Dependent Drinkers and Alcoholics (recovering or active) Support Thread

[BrassicMonkey]

The last thread will close soon, but I want this one to be about everybody, not just me. So Hidesit, Earlgrey, SoSo and anyone else that needs support please post and keep me company.

I've lapsed again tonight, which is a shame as I hoped I'd be able to start this off on a postive note.

Link to the last thread.

I don't want anyone to reply to this. Not looking for pity or reasoning. I've drunk 4 litres of vodka this weekend and I'm totally fucking ashamed.

It's getting on for midnight now and I've been telling myself all weekend that, that's when I'll stop. I've still got half a bottle so there's no fucking chance of me stopping.

I've had a good weekend in a lot of ways. I've spoke to old drunk friends that I wouldn't have tolerated when I was sober, and I loved it. This is well inappropriate for a parenting site and I'm so aware of that.

Tomorrow, I'll get out of bed at a reasonable time, shout at myself in the mirror and get on with things again. I have to collect DS from school and I have to be sober - I'm not that much of a drunkard that I can't do that.

I hope this doesn't hurt anyone. It's part of my journal and I wanted to post it.

BM, I really feel for you. Don't feel guilty. But do keep your goal in sight?

Isn't 4 litres over a weekend a lot for you? Even at your immediately pre-quitting rate? What sent you on such a bender this weekend in particular do you think?

...thinking of you ...

BM hi thinking of you. It is so hard I know to not drink. Perhaps the only way to go is to attend the AA meetings and get their support. You have done so well in the past that you know you can do it. Can't offer you much more than that as I need to take a closer look at myself and take some of the advice offered on here. Had a dinner party on Saturday night and drank loads. We had champagne which I love but cannot remember much about the night. Only that I was horrible to DH when everyone went home and for the life of me don't know why. I had the hangover from hell yesterday which for me is rare. I did not drink last night and am going to take it day by day. Hope everyone else is ok. Cubby it is great to see you posting and Kokeshi hope you had a good holiday. How are you getting on with the implants (sorry if the terminology (sp?) is incorrect).

Hi BM, not posted for a while cause am a total mess at the moment. Really sorry to hear that you are feeling so bad about everything.

The constant struggle when you are not drinking and the cravings that are there are just unbelievable arn't they. People who don't have a drink 'problem' just cannot understand at all. I litteraly count down the hours (minutes, seconds) till I am mindee free and can have a drink.

Have been trying to come off Prozac recently but am going to have to go back to doctors cause I am not coping well at all. Drink so much that I have piled on the weight (2 1/2 stone in the last year, as I have mentioned in previous thread) and am too depressed and in need of a drink to do anything about it!

Well that has to change cause I am making my life a living hell (and no denying DP & DD's lives too, but sure DS is too young to notice). I am depressed cause I never go out, but when DP organised for MIL to babysit on Saturday I refused to go out cause was feeling so shitty and knew that after a few drinks I would be sat crying and making a tit of myself. SO I stayed in, drank, cried, argued with DP and made a tit of myself anyway!

Just found out that in his new job DP is sharing an office with a woman and I flipped. He went out last night and I questioned him for ages and made him swear that he wouldn't cheat but then still didn't believe him when he did. (When he thought I was asleep last night he told me he loved me when he was cuddling me, and I immediately thought he must be dreaming and thinking of someone else. Stupid I know. Thing is he never says it to me when I am awake, but then if he did I would give him a lecture that I know that he couldn't possible cause I am so fat and ugly).

Truth is at the moment I cannot think for one second what he could possibly see in me. I am vile, both in personality and the way I look .

God sorry BM, I went on too much there, and don't want you to think that I don't feel for you and what you are going through too.

It took guts to come on here and write what you did. And this thread (and your post) ISN'T inappropriate for a parenting site! Cause there are so many parents who are in the same place in their life and we can all help each other the best we can. Be there to give encouragment, not to judge when we lose a personal battle, but help in winning the war!!!

Think I must have corny quote of the day toilet paper today!!! Sorry

Hi everyone. I don?t know why I posted that I didn?t want replies, as I did, of course. I had to post about it last night as I don?t think I?d have had the courage today. I?m back to having the shakes, paranoia, desperate thirst etc, etc. Not much fun. I woke up this morning in a panic. The alarm was going off but I couldn?t work out what the noise was and I couldn?t read the time on the clock. I must have thought it was late because I phoned EX-P to ask him to pick DS up from school and he said ?well, I haven?t even taken him yet, it?s 7am?. Then I had a coughing fit (I?ve smoked loads this weekend) and told him I?d ring him back. I went back to bed and woke up at 9.15 when EX-P was dropping DS?s clothes off. I had to rush round the flat hiding bottles and glasses and trying to make the place look a bit straighter. Then I really shouted at him for not calling first. I was an absolute bitch so he left me to it. I went back to bed and I?ve only just woke up. I still feel like shit.

IF, yes, 4 litres in 3 days is a total bender for me. I used to do it over my child-free weekends before, but obviously my tolerance is lower now. I was completely wrecked when I ran out of drink last night. I couldn?t hold my head up and I don?t know how I managed to get to the bedroom. The temptation to go on a bender was so strong and I was lonely and I didn?t have enough reasons not to do it. DS and EX-P were not here so I wasn?t hurting anyone. I?m so glad it?s over now and I?m determined to get to meetings this week. I?m really disgusted with myself and emotionally I feel so low which is how I always felt after these weekends. I think the low feelings are a combination of the shame of what I?ve done and a side-effect of the alcohol leaving my body.

Hi Flowertop. Being horrible to people is my speciality when I?m drunk especially to people that I love/care about. It?s awful having to apologise after because often you?re so ashamed of what you?ve said that you don?t want to bring it up. Saying sorry doesn?t take it back or make it better but not saying sorry is wrong too.

Hi Hidesit. You sound really, really down too. I??m sure the alcohol must be contributing to those feelings of self-loathing and worthlessness. How lovely that your DP told you he loved you when he thought you were sleeping ? that?s so romantic. IMO that means so much more than him saying it all the time and I think you?d appreciate that if you were looking at it from an outsiders perspective. I know what you mean about feeling vile inside and out. I was walking home from the off-licence on Saturday evening and I was caught by the local pest. He grabbed my face with both hands and said ?I?m going to kiss you. What are you going to do about it?? He didn?t do it but walked home with me and kept saying that he was coming back later to see me. I sat here in the dark trying to pretend I was out and feeling so low that I obviously look like a drunk slag and how he wouldn?t have done it to anyone else. I don?t think I should have felt flattered about it but I wish I?d have had the courage to tell him to fuck off and enough self worth not to be convinced that he just wanted to share my vodka (he couldn?t possibly have really wanted to touch me).

Lol @ ?corny quote of the day? toilet paper though.

BM I'm sorry you're feeling so crap but glad you've got some resolve back again. I think the aggression toward others is common when drunk, and perhaps especially in people who wouldn't normally say boo to a goose? My father was a very gentle, non-aggressive man by nature. You know, I honestly can't think of a single time he told me off as a child, he was completely indulgent and kind. (bloody hard work for my mum I see now as she had to dish out all the discipline while he got to play Mr. Nice Guy). But in those few years of him drinking that I witnessed he was the opposite, swearing, aggressive, like he was full of bad energy.

I'm sure if the gentle people of the world who don't like making a scene found a way of venting anger the need to drink would be alleviated at least to some degree? It's hard to keep anger and negative emotions in all the time.

Good luck for today BM. And all the others fighting this very hard fight.

BM, can you get to a meeting tonight?

I am so familiar with so many of the feelings of anger, emptiness, lonliness etc that are vented on this thread. The feelings are very real and very physical in my experience. I have spent so much time wanting to rip myself away from my skin - do anything to stop the hurt. Having a hangover from hell, although horrible, is sometimes easier to deal with than the gut-wrenching emptiness. At the moment I don't know anything any more. I told a cousin about my brother's violence and about his appalling wife. I felt as though I was making it up, as though it was me who was lying, as though it wasn't true at all. Also as though no-one would, or could possibly believe me how it is to be battered. We get pretty bloody good at taking the job on for ourselves.

Please, someone tell me if I shouldn't post here, because although my drinking is in the balance there are more issues that lead to my self-destructive behaviour. I will beat myself up with the air if there's nothing else. It's not just the booze.

I wouldn?t have said I?m particularly gentle IF, but when sober I can express myself and disagree without wanting to rip people apart. When I?ve had a drink and argue it doesn?t matter if I?m right or wrong, have a point a not, because I?m so vile that, that?s all everyone remembers.

I couldn?t get to a meeting last night Elibean. I was too ill. I was worried last night as I?ve never felt that bad before. I felt like I was in withdrawal again but I?m not sure if that?s possible after only 3 days. I couldn?t sleep and I was having paranoid thoughts but I was so confused that I didn?t know what I was paranoid about.

Hellobello, of course you should keep on posting here if you want to. I think we?ve all got other issues as well as drink problems on here.

Hidesit ? how are you doing?

Hello everyone, I'm new to this. About 36 hours ago I decided that enough was enough and that I wasn't going to drink anymore. It's slowly crept up on me over the years, and with the exception of two pregnancies I have been a regular drinker, not necessarily heavy but I can't remember a day when I didn't have at least one glass of wine. I haven't told anyone about my plans not even Dh. Still getting my own head around it and would like some company. The prospect of being alcohol free is scary, but on the other hand, I want to be annoying people well into my eighties.

Brassic - whether or sober or drunk you have always expressed yourself clearly and articulately. IMHO, of course. Keep well.

Hi BM, yes, it's possible to have withdrawals after only being back on drink after 3 days. You reverted to drinking amounts that you had done previously having built up a tolerance. But your body has been alcohol free for weeks. This is actually quite dangerous in itself, your body can't handle this kind of punishment after being detoxed. It's like an occasional drinker trying to down a litre of vodka in a night...it can lead to alcohol poisoning.

I'd try and get to a meeting as soon as possible, there's not to much else you can do by yourself at the moment, except try and analyse it, which actually doesn't help you at all. You need some support and not to be alone at the moment.

Everyone else who's coming on say they're making an effort to tackle their drinking - I wish you well and please be assured that life without drink is fantastic. It will take hard work and honesty but you will not be disappointed in the long term.

Take it a day at a time.

Thanks, sorry to butt in on BM's thread, been psycing myself up. BM I'll be thinking of you, hope the day gets brighter

Hi Oldlush. Lol @ 'annoying people well into my eighties'. You're not crashing my thread. This thread isn't about any one poster so please join in and we can rant when it gets tough and celebrate when we do well

Hi Kokeshi. I'm feeling much better today so if it was a withdrawal it was pretty short lived. It was intense but not as bad as the drawn out misery of gradual reduction. Not sure if it was safe to do but I haven't got it in me to go through that again.

I'm going to a meeting on Thursday. Not sure if I'll do it alone or ask someone from AA to meet me, but I'll make myself do it anyway. I am sick of the analysing. It's obsessive and it gets more intense before a binge - well, both times in the last few weeks anyway.

The thing I find hardest about not drinking at all is other people who are getting pissed. I'm like a lot of people here who's only time of real sobriety is through pregnancy.

BM, I am sorry to hear that you're having such a rough time of it. It's a tremendous achievement to realise that there is a problem and then to do something about it. It is possible to break an addiction and regardless of bingeing, you have started that journey. One day the light will be for real.

Kokeshi, how are you?! Are you hearing again? I'm sorry I've probably missed the threads about your life. Dh is in your home town at the moment chasing the news so I'm alone with the dogs and the babies. The dogs aren't having much fun and I don't have the time to deal with one of them who has psychological problems (puppy farm stock). I'm doing as well as I can but it's not easy. Oh well, I'll suck another nicotine lozenge.

I'm not doing too badly really HB. I'm fine tonight - no physical issues and no cravings - fingers crossed it lasts. I've got some peace and quiet for a few hours and it's nice . I've got plans for tomorrow night as I know from experience that, that is when the big cravings hit (2 nights after a big binge).

I feel really disturbed after reading some threads on here today. I won't post details as it's not helping anyone but I wonder if anyone else reading this knows what I'm talking about. I thought I'd pretty much hit rock bottom a few months ago and this weekend hasn't been much fun - it's not much compared to the torture that some people seem to be going through though...whatever the truth really is.

I'm not sure if it was appropriate to type that but it's rare on here that I read something that affects me like that.

BM I've missed all the 'action' of today although there are so many oblique references to it on other threads if you feel like casually filling me in, in order to keep your mind off booze of course, please do?

Hi IF. I've CATTED you as I don't think I should have posted about that on here. I'm glad you asked though as it's got to me tonight and I feel a bit better for writing it down - it's absolutely none of my business by the way and I'm not sure why I felt so low about it. I never feel comfortable telling anyone in real life about MN stuff - I feel a bit of a pratt.

Yes, the cross-over between RL and MN are a bit strange aren't they? You can sometimes get very caught up in a story on here and feel surprised that nobody you bump into on the street has any idea about it. I think dp gets sick of me saying 'oh there was a thread on mn about that' all the time. Dd even said it the other day when we asked her a question she couldn't answer: 'there's something on mn about that I'll have to check later'. She's 4.5. Eek.

How are you doing tonight BM?

I posted on a on a different thread a couple of weeks ago and just wanted to check in! Have been on holiday so am just getting the chance to post again. Hope all is well BM and everyone.

I'm fine thanks IF. at your DD.

Hi SoSo. I remember your thread. Hope you had a good holiday. How are you doing?

Morning all, first challenge out of the way last night. Dh made cheese and biscuits and I refused a glass of port. Small victory I know, but a victory non the less. Alcohol free for 3 whole days. BTW, my potted history,after an alcohol packed college life, I worked in media where drinking is part of the job description, looking back it was an excuse to fuel my obvious character flaws. Nowadays I am always the one still drinking at the end of a dinner party. It's like a tap that I can't turn off. My wine consumption has been increasing lately typically I can (or should that be could?) polish off nearly a bottle of wine in an evening. A few days ago, I got straight in from the school run and hid a glass of wine behind the kitchen telly. I then read the stuff on the dispatches website after reading the thread on here and decided that if I wanted to be an annoying old bag I better make some life changes. Oh yes, my dad also died at 63 of an alcohol related heart condition.

Just wanted to wish BM good luck for today. Hope everything goes well at the meeting and you get what you want and need from it.

Hi OldLush

Well done on your 3 sober days (is it 4 now?). Thanks for wishing me luck for tonight

This week has been ok for me so far. I still feel like I'm drying out but I'm sure it's psychological. I still haven't got rid of the empties which are hiding at the bottom of my wardrobe and I noticed that I'd left an empty off-licence carrier bag on my desk from the weekend. My heart almost stopped yesterday when ex-p was here and he reached for it and then picked up a disk that was next to it. I don't think he'd give me a really hard time for it, but I don't want to confess about it now. I just want to put it behind me and be grateful that I'm not sneakily planning anything for this weekend.

How are you doing? And everyone else?

Hi BM, You sound really well. Sounds like you got away with it. Good to know you can put it behind you and start afresh.

I'm not bad thanks, Dh out last night and after a fraught afternoon with the kids, cravings to crack open a bottle were back. So I dived into the chocolate cupboard. At this rate I'm going to have to join fat fighters!

Everyone else out there ok?