I've performed surgery on my own bottom!

[amateurarsedoctor]

I thought I'd impress/horrify you with my attempts to cure my very own "Embarrasing Illness".

Since the birth of DS2, 4 years ago, I developed one haemorrhoid. It went away soon after the birth and returned at times. Over the years it had developed into a kind of skin tag. It's quite large, about the length and width of my little finger to the second joint.

I've never had any pain or problems with it. It was just there. As it's grown I've become more aware and self conscious of it. I'd dread the thought of DH seeing it and have avoided brazillians in case the beautician noticed.

I've often pondered going to the GP and seeing if they'd remove it but the thought of revealing my arse in full view fills me with horror.

I also pondered what they might do to get rid of it. I eventually decided they'd probably tie something round it to reduce the blood supply and eventually it would drop off.

So I did just that! 10 days ago I took a piece of cotton and tied it as tight as possible around my protuberance. It was a bit of a struggle but with the aid of a mirror I got there in the end.

So, it swelled up and got rather uncomfortable but after 2 or 3 days was showing no sign of dropping off. So like any self respecting arse doctor I got something a bit more substantial to tie round it. An elastic band!

A day later it was so painful and the elastic band/cotton were very firmly embedded in the swelling tissue that I thought I may have to abandon the experiment, except by this point there was no way of removing them as I could obvioulsy not see what was going on well enough to employ a pair of scissors in the area. There was no way I was going to the doctors with that mess and fessing up to what I'd done.

So, I poked deep in my medicine box and found a tube of Fucidin (slightly out of date but never mind) and applied it to the affected area. The finger sized pile had by soon shrank to the size of a grape and the pain began to lessen.

Then, thank the Lord, tonight it's dropped off!

I honestly thought I might have done serious damage at one point and I realise that potentially that was a rather dangerous thing to do, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never had to seek medical assistance for a botched home botty op!

I would not advise any one to do this at home, the pain has been severe to say the least!

I know you'll all say I'm a loony but I had to tell someone my secret.

[MegaLegs]

oo - I am clenching.

[bewilderbeast]

omg pmsl. Is that you UCM?

[hippipotami]

I cannot believe this has got to over 100 messages! Have just reread and am still laughing out loud (but feeling a little queasy too...)

My diy surgeries were not nearly as bizarre. I 'shaved' a skintag off my eyelid when I was 16 (it promptly grew back, still have it now), I cut off a verucca (yuck) in my late 20's (also promptly grew back, double yuck) and more recently have had to take some heavy duty scissors to the hard skin on my heels.
But to tie off my own piles, ow ow ow...

Good grief, I have just painted such an unattractive picture of myself you are now all heaving into your coffees...

[Charlee]

OMG i find this not only hilarious but also but clenchingly (excuse the pun) painfull!
I do admire you though i would never ferrett around in mine or anyones bottom kinda makes me wonder whiy some dr's become specialists in it?

[Idreamofdaleks]

I think you should set up shop with a big sign ARSE DOCTOR - you could make a killing!

[hippipotami]

But then she would have to look at other peoples bottoms - could be a serious drawback!!

[Charlee]

Talking of diy surgery i once knew a chap wwho cut a hole in his foresking to put an earing through it! He did it with scissors and it went really manky. Serves him right though he's not a nice person at all.

[LowFatMilkshake]

You are completely insane - but in the same position I think I may have been tempted to try a 'home cure' too. Glad it worked out well. And thank you for a warning to seek proffesional help instead should I ever develop a smiliar problem.

[allgonebellyup]

elasticbandstand - is that how you got your name? for helping your bf with the elastic band?

[amateurarsedoctor]

Pray tell. Who do you think I am. I'd love to know.

[WideWebWitch]

I can't believe you could reach and everything (not that I've tried!)

[amateurarsedoctor]

WWW you don't need to be able to see so much as feel what's going on IYSWIM.

[WideWebWitch]

Ewwww

[southeastastra]

wow you must a high pain limit!

[licketysplit]

I don't think I've laughed so much since the "Would you buy a house on on Cock Lane" thread. Classic MNing.

[pointydog]

Whatever next? Trepanning?

[shhhh]

sorry but im rotflmao..!! . The name change is enough but once I started reading...... Sorry but I could just imagine you..!!!!!

[southeastastra]

actually this thread has given me an idea about a spot i have that won't budge hehe

[pointydog]

and where about is your spot, southeast?

[growingbagpuss]

oh no, this is too much! I think I might laugh myself into labour

[Mercy]

I have forced myself to read the whole OP (couldn't manage it last night!)

Gross but v funny

The posting style is familiar but I can't quite work out who you are

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

Whatever you're previous name was, I think you should stick with this one. Genius.

[Mercy]

Oh dear, a terrible thread juxtapostion just happened

My Fanjo is a mess

I've just performed surgery on my own bottom!


I know it's not funny but

[Bouncingturtle]

Whoever you your story will pass into Mumsnet legend... I am in awe!!!!

[Bouncingturtle]

I meant whoever you ARE