I've performed surgery on my own bottom!

[amateurarsedoctor]

I thought I'd impress/horrify you with my attempts to cure my very own "Embarrasing Illness".

Since the birth of DS2, 4 years ago, I developed one haemorrhoid. It went away soon after the birth and returned at times. Over the years it had developed into a kind of skin tag. It's quite large, about the length and width of my little finger to the second joint.

I've never had any pain or problems with it. It was just there. As it's grown I've become more aware and self conscious of it. I'd dread the thought of DH seeing it and have avoided brazillians in case the beautician noticed.

I've often pondered going to the GP and seeing if they'd remove it but the thought of revealing my arse in full view fills me with horror.

I also pondered what they might do to get rid of it. I eventually decided they'd probably tie something round it to reduce the blood supply and eventually it would drop off.

So I did just that! 10 days ago I took a piece of cotton and tied it as tight as possible around my protuberance. It was a bit of a struggle but with the aid of a mirror I got there in the end.

So, it swelled up and got rather uncomfortable but after 2 or 3 days was showing no sign of dropping off. So like any self respecting arse doctor I got something a bit more substantial to tie round it. An elastic band!

A day later it was so painful and the elastic band/cotton were very firmly embedded in the swelling tissue that I thought I may have to abandon the experiment, except by this point there was no way of removing them as I could obvioulsy not see what was going on well enough to employ a pair of scissors in the area. There was no way I was going to the doctors with that mess and fessing up to what I'd done.

So, I poked deep in my medicine box and found a tube of Fucidin (slightly out of date but never mind) and applied it to the affected area. The finger sized pile had by soon shrank to the size of a grape and the pain began to lessen.

Then, thank the Lord, tonight it's dropped off!

I honestly thought I might have done serious damage at one point and I realise that potentially that was a rather dangerous thing to do, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never had to seek medical assistance for a botched home botty op!

I would not advise any one to do this at home, the pain has been severe to say the least!

I know you'll all say I'm a loony but I had to tell someone my secret.

[lissie]

pmsl.
this has the makings of a classic thread!
fantastic!

[amateurarsedoctor]

cantdothisanymore

[louii]

Fantastic, i did amateur surgery on an ingrowing toenail once, but this beats that hands down or should i say pants down

[unknownrebelbang]

Ouch.

[Ceolas]

[elasticbandstand]

your very own haemarrhoidectomy.
they do tie it .. well done.

[elasticbandstand]

or rather "band" it..

[amateurarsedoctor]

So you girls have boosted my confidence. None have you have said how foolish I was. Which is good.

So now I'm thinking................................Just how difficult can a boob job really be..............................?

[elasticbandstand]

i banded my bf's skin tag once too, on the back of his neck..

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[Nip]

thats hilarious but cringe-worthy.....well done you!!!

[bran]

AmateurAD, does that wink imply that you MADE IT UP? Damn, I wanted it to be true.

[uberalice]

That is the funniest thing I have EVER read. Thank you for making my evening!

[amateurarsedoctor]

Erm, no.

[bran]

Oh, my mistake. I thought you meant "can't do this anymore", as in you were spinning a tale, but you were just responding to cantdothisanymore. Phew.

Hippipotami - I'm still waiting.

[amateurarsedoctor]

Absolutely not bran. Every word is true!

I just know that cantdothisanymore has had a rough time and I'm glad she smiled.

[hippipotami]

Oh gosh, not nearly as interesting as the sting/elastic band exploits of the OP! Rather boring really!

[amateurarsedoctor]

Ok myjobismum. I don't have any sillicone here but do you think a couple of wheat bags would do?

The finished breasts might be a bit "rustley" but they'd smel lovely and lavendary when you were warm!

[amateurarsedoctor]

Smell!

[sugarfree]

I would have loved to have see their faces in A&E if it had all gone horribly wrong.
You'd have been straight into the Book of Shame,ya loon!

[amateurarsedoctor]

Ok. Bubble wrap then? I've got loads of that. They'd be very lightweight wouldn't they.

[amateurarsedoctor]

I know sugarfree. That was my major dread.