I've performed surgery on my own bottom!

[amateurarsedoctor]

I thought I'd impress/horrify you with my attempts to cure my very own "Embarrasing Illness".

Since the birth of DS2, 4 years ago, I developed one haemorrhoid. It went away soon after the birth and returned at times. Over the years it had developed into a kind of skin tag. It's quite large, about the length and width of my little finger to the second joint.

I've never had any pain or problems with it. It was just there. As it's grown I've become more aware and self conscious of it. I'd dread the thought of DH seeing it and have avoided brazillians in case the beautician noticed.

I've often pondered going to the GP and seeing if they'd remove it but the thought of revealing my arse in full view fills me with horror.

I also pondered what they might do to get rid of it. I eventually decided they'd probably tie something round it to reduce the blood supply and eventually it would drop off.

So I did just that! 10 days ago I took a piece of cotton and tied it as tight as possible around my protuberance. It was a bit of a struggle but with the aid of a mirror I got there in the end.

So, it swelled up and got rather uncomfortable but after 2 or 3 days was showing no sign of dropping off. So like any self respecting arse doctor I got something a bit more substantial to tie round it. An elastic band!

A day later it was so painful and the elastic band/cotton were very firmly embedded in the swelling tissue that I thought I may have to abandon the experiment, except by this point there was no way of removing them as I could obvioulsy not see what was going on well enough to employ a pair of scissors in the area. There was no way I was going to the doctors with that mess and fessing up to what I'd done.

So, I poked deep in my medicine box and found a tube of Fucidin (slightly out of date but never mind) and applied it to the affected area. The finger sized pile had by soon shrank to the size of a grape and the pain began to lessen.

Then, thank the Lord, tonight it's dropped off!

I honestly thought I might have done serious damage at one point and I realise that potentially that was a rather dangerous thing to do, but I can't tell you how relieved I am that I never had to seek medical assistance for a botched home botty op!

I would not advise any one to do this at home, the pain has been severe to say the least!

I know you'll all say I'm a loony but I had to tell someone my secret.

[licketysplit]

Where's the messy fanjo one? Just my kind of thread.

[Saggarmakersbottomknocker]

arsedoc - you could definitely help out the OP of 'My fanjo is a mess'

[licketysplit]

Ooh, found the fanny thread. Not sure it's supposed to look like corned beef or tinned tomato tho!

[poptot]

ROFL what is funny is that I was considering tying cotton around one of ds's very large molluscum on his bottom last night to make it wither and die but he wouldn't lie still. If I ended up in A&E I think they'd be bringing social services.Good to know the principle works though.

[FrannyandZooey]

This is haunting me. How can it have been as long and wide as two thirds of your little finger without dh ever noticing it?

[amateurarsedoctor]

F&Z it only got to that size in recent weeks.

I've been a bit more creative in the bedroom and made sure I was on top or other positions where he didn't get a close up.

[suedonim]

LOL @ the vision of F&Z being haunted by a haemorrroid.

[FrannyandZooey]

What it had a growth spurt?

[suzycreamcheese]

hail the amateurarsedoctor..
still laughing
really classic stuff
glad its all healing nicely now....

i dont care who you are,(have suspicions..) you are genius..

[pointydog]

you know what they say about little acorns, franny

[amateurarsedoctor]

Hey Franny, just imagine how big it could have grown if I'd left it?

I'd have been like Buster Gonad but with the wheel barrow behind me.

Even I could have nightmares about a ten stone growth hanging off my hole!

[pointydog]

lololol @ buster gonad

[FrannyandZooey]

What are haemorrhoids anyway? I thought they were just little bobbles hanging out, I didn't know they could grow LONG

[amateurarsedoctor]

Buster Gonad

[pointydog]

loved viz

[amateurarsedoctor]

Perhaps mine are a rare breed. The lesser spotted dangly bum sac.

[amateurarsedoctor]

I did too Pointy. DH1 used to buy it. Hilarious and utterly childish. A bit like he was!

[suedonim]

AAD, I've just shared this thread with dh and he wants to know if you can breathe through your ears, as well as do your own arse surgery.

[SleepIsForTheWeak]

he he!
A friend of mine once did this to her boyfriend's piles!
Now THAT is love

[whomovedmychocolate]

I just have visions of you borrowing your children's hair bobbles!

[bozza]

haemorrhoids are varicose veins of the arse franny. So basically swollen blood vessels that can protrude from the anus.

I am really trying to work out who the OP is. The posting style does seem familiar and I am trying to use the clue of DS2 being 4 and DH, so she is married. But I have not got there yet.

[Wotznotreallyhere]

Are you sure it wasn't an simple one off anal wart?

[amateurarsedoctor]

Flippin' big wart Woza!

[amateurarsedoctor]

Come an ave a go if you think you're ard enuff!

Who is the arse doctor?

Place your bets!

I promise if you guess me I will reveal all.(Except for my arse you understand)

[Wotznotreallyhere]

have you kept it for profile?