Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Kokeshi and Oenophile have said everything I was trying to say but more abruptly - if you have a problem with alcohol, cutting down is just your way of avoiding dealing with the idea of an alcohol-free future. When you are ready to face that that is what it may take, you willbe ready toa accept help. Even though my sister is at such a low point, she still believes that she can control this thing , and, you know what, she never, ever will unless she stops. The problem is she has nothing in her life that is worth her stopping, but you have a child. Other posters have seen their parent die rather than recover - please don't let that be you: make the decision to stop.

BM I really hope you are ok. The thought of being sober is very frightening, but with support you can do it. You really don't have to do this by yourself.
Controlled drinking over time, is very difficult. The amount you have been drinking does suggest that is going to be very difficult for you. The prospect of being sober can be overwhelming but if you are sober there are a million things you don't have to be scared of - damaging or losing your kids, your relationships, your health etc.

If you want to CAT me please do.

BM I hope you're ok tonight?

callmemadam, how often is your sister drinking that amount of alcohol? And for how long? Are there serious concerns for her health now?

I'm doing ok tonight, thanks. I've read everything posted on here and I've gone through the thread over and over and over tonight. I haven't posted because there's a lot going through my head and I need to be sober to express that. Your support means a lot to me. xx

Kokeshi - I haven't written AA off. I'm comforted by the idea of handing control over to God (I have a faith) as my higher power. I am scared though. I'm scared of giving someone else permission to say 'you've had your last drink'. Reduction might be torture but right now I'd take that over the agony of accepting that I can't have another drink.

I will post properly tomorrow, but for now I'm going to listen to some music and finish off my drinks.

Thanks to everyone for supporting me.

You need to be proud of yourself - but one thing comes to mind - your ds obviously has an extremely loving and involved father - he isn't going to get taken into care. He would be fine to live with his dad for a while while you take the tablets you need to withdraw from alcohol.

But I am a moderate social drinker, and totally understand if my opinion isn't regarded here, as I have no experience to offer you.

It's alright Colditz. Yes, my ex-p could have DS while I went for a medical detox but he would need time off work to do this - he's a nice bloke but I think he would be ashamed to admit that his son's mother needed to be medically detoxed. Going for a medical detox means being referred to another NHS dept. and I'm shuddering and shivering about it. At the moment I've been assured that as long as I stick to a pre-agreed withdrawal and don't threaten to harm myself or anyone else that SS involvement wouldn't be necessary. I'm scared that being referred to another dept. might re-dress the balance - 'so she's not capable of regulating her own consumption. What else is she not capable of doing?'.

My sister had a medical detox earlier on this year. She lost (or to be truthful, gave up) her daughter last year. She asked our mum to look after her while she went to a BBQ and never turned up to collect her. Weeks later she made contact to say she couldn't cope and that she wasn't coming home. My niece stayed with my mum for weeks until her dad agreed to have her. My sister isn't allowed to have contact with her daughter anymore without SS involvement - not that she wants it anyway.

I don't think I'm the same as my sister, but I am having big problems with drink just like her and I think it's natural for SS to see my family history and cut me less slack than they would with someone without family history. I have 2 reasons for not wanting a medical detox: I think I might lose my son if I admit that this is out of control and I can't bear to be told that I can't drink again.

I am a bit drunk now though.

I have sent that IM to you through MN

I have contacted you through Mumsnet if that is any help.

I don't think you sound like your sister in this case so please don't worry about losing your son. Your ex-p could have him if you did decide to detox. You are being responsible and recognise there is a problem and I am positive you will only get further help and support. They won't remove your son from his family if it isn't in his or your best interest to do so.

My mother was beyond help, she got to the point where she had lost her job, my dad left, and they divorced.
She drank all day and night. I have memories of her staggering about, wetting herself, only just managing to dress herself. She would get very aggressive, deceptive, and dissappear for hours in the pursuit of alcohol. It all came to a head when she had a fit one day and I was the only one in the house. I called the police (I was 10 and didn't know what else to do) She was admitted to hospital, and promptly discharged herself. I used to visit my dad at weekends and would cry for the entire sunday because I didn't want to go home. I always did go home though! Even with her in such a state I was never taken away.

You are doing the right thing. I really admire you for wanting to change things. Don't worry about your son being taken away, I am sure he won't be. I never was.

You mentioned in your post

"At the moment I've been assured that as long as I stick to a pre-agreed withdrawal and don't threaten to harm myself or anyone else that SS involvement wouldn't be necessary. I'm scared that being referred to another dept. might re-dress the balance - 'so she's not capable of regulating her own consumption. What else is she not capable of doing?'."

It doesn't matter what you are not capable of doing IMO
You are capable of thinking straight
You are capable of wanting to change your drinking habits
You are capable of being a responsible and caring mother
These will count for a lot. I can see why you are scared of not being in control, but in reality you are in control. You have made the concious decision to want to change. The ball is in your court.

BM - it is so nice to rad your posts and see how you are doing. I went out with friends last night. I was the only one not drinking - I had a couple of red bulls, most were on vodka and red bull. I had a ball - I danced the for hours, I laughed and I thought of you. In your first post you said:

"I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink."

I thought if BM could see me now she would see that this is not true - I had a wonderful time with wonderful friends and the energy of a great evening.

Congratulations with your progress so far. Keep posting - whatever is going on. We are all behind you.

Well done sweets.

Hi BM, you have some excellent advice here and testimonials that it is possible. You can do this. You said further down that you know that growing up with an alcoholic in the family is shit, so you won't want to do the same thing to your kids. Keep the faith and please go see your GP and be honest.

Well done BM! I have no experience of alcoholism (although my GM gambling made my DF's life abysmal at times) I just wanted to say how much I admire your (and everybody else on this thread's) bravery and determination to beat this disease - determination which stays pretty firm even when drinking. Well done, don't give up - we're rooting for you.xx

..and you are doing brilliantly, BTW!

have re-read my last post - sorry if it is insensitive.

Some wonderful feedback on this thread, BM - and I agree you have a lot of self-awareness, which will stand you in good stead either in counselling or in AA or for that matter in life in general

That said, I had lots too (I've read things I wrote whilst drunk and high/stoned, and its shocking how aware I was whilst semi-conscious) and it didnt' help me stop drinking. A detox did, followed by loads of support (I had a treatment program at a clinic, then AA/NA - but I was an inpatient).

I think whether you continue to try the slow withdrawal or go for the detox is up to you - if you try the former for a few days with no success, you'll know the latter is the only way: either way, you'll get clearer, I would guess. When the torture of drinking less than you want to/need to gets greater than the fear of stopping altogether, you'll make that leap - at least, IME.

What I most want to say is, don't compare your situation to your sister's: if I were a SS worker (I'm not!) I'd see very, very different pictures. You want to look after your ds, you're scared of having him taken away, you want help. I would think SS would take every step to support you in getting well and being the mother you want to be to your child.

I wasn't able to even begin to take responsibility for myself, a relationship, or a child until I stopped drinking - so I dont' know how it is to start the recovery process as a mother; but several of my best friends did, single mothers as well, and NONE of them had their kids taken away once they admitted the need for help and put themselves into a program of some sort or another (clinic or 12-step fellowship). Not one. Your sister's case is very different, she basically left her child and asked - indirectly - for someone to take over the responsibility. SS would have been hard pushed (and wrong) not to listen.

And if she stays clean/sober, and hangs in there, things will change for her and her dd too - I've seen it a million times.

You're on a path, hang in there - it will get better!

I couldn't agree more elibean.My dp did the 12 steps way and I erad all the literature as I just wanted to know what I was dealing with.It is helpful in every area of life not just addiction.My dp is a new and happier person withpout drinking and life is great and can be for you BM It will take time and support but you will get there xxx

Have I missed what support they are going to give you through the reduction plan Brassic? I agree with everyone who is saying that you need emotional help and preferably counselling to sort out some of the issues that you have been dealing with by drinking.

If they are not offering you this on the NHS, ask around, inexpensive counselling can sometimes be found. You'll soon be saving plenty of money on the alcohol you are not buying, remember.

wonderful post elibean

DT I thought yours was helpful too. I think Brassic wants to hear about other people who don't drink, leading happy lives.

I think unpleasant as the thought is, Brassic should be wary of SS though. I know people are trying to be reassuring and helpful, but still...

You know that SS will get involved if you don't stick to your reduction plan - I would think that will be a powerful motivator for you, Brassic.

I think you're right to see rehab (in patient) as the last step. I know my mum did it a few times but it's very hard when you come out and have to deal again with 'real life'. It's obviously an option, but if you can manage to do what you're doing, with some support, then that's brilliant.

I do hope, like Franny says, that this clinic will sort out some counselling. It'd probably be helpful to let stuff out to someone who is 'neutral' iyswim. If they aren't going to arrange it, ask them to recommend someone who is used to dealing with people with addiction/alcohol problems because sometimes you get counsellors who specialise in that area.

Batters, this is definitely the most honest thread that I?ve ever been involved with. I?ve spent lots of time during the last few days asking myself questions ?How am I feeling??,?Why did I do that??, ?What do I want?? etc? I?ve also read lots of my old posts on MN ? what a liar I had become! And even if I wasn?t out-right lying I was exaggerating or posting as if I was something totally different to what I am. Examples like talking about drinking wine. I never drink wine unless someone else brings a bottle round and I drink it when the vodka has run out. I even gave advice to someone who thought they might be an alcoholic and I posted as if I had a healthy attitude towards alcohol!!! Lying to myself as well as to everyone else. Even at the beginning of this thread (and I?d had a few at the time) I was posting as if I was just over-indulging a bit. I have been very, very honest since then though and haven?t posted anywhere else on the board because I?m worried that I?ll be rejected if I?m myself ? whereas everyone on this thread has accepted me.

Dimpled ? your post was lovely and I?m glad you had such a great night. I do want to hear about how people function without needing to get drunk. For all of my life (way before I was heavily drinking) every situation was an excuse to have alcohol: celebrations, dutch-courage, bad news, good news, nice food, nothing much else to do tonight. Alcohol was always necessary to make the situation bearable or complete or more enjoyable. It never occurred to me not to have a drink.

Franny ? I?ll get 1 hour of counselling weekly to help me unravel why I?ve got to this stage and to set new targets for the week ahead. After that a dry day clinic that I think I can attend for as long as I want to, but I don?t have to go at all if I don?t think I need it. There are other programmes that I can try now if I don?t think 1 hour a week is enough but I would have to be referred to a different dept. and I?m not ready to tell anyone else in real life yet. I will have to though if I can?t manage it this way.

Elibean ? the semi-conscious awareness is quite frightening. I feel more like myself when I?m drunk than I do when I?m sober. Yesterday was a funny day and I went through a whole lot of feelings. All day I was thinking about when I could drink and I was irritable. I did things that took time like had a long soak in the bath and cooked a shepherds pie. I had to have a drink when I was cooking because I was shaking and couldn?t hold the knife properly. Instantly I felt better. We all enjoyed our meal and I stopped being ratty and was relaxed. I could see DS was enjoying this and he went to bed easily and was quite well behaved. That was after 2 units. After 12 units I sat and spoke to ex-p and he said that I seemed sober. I knew I wasn?t though as I was telling him about some of the things that had happened to me when I?d been drunk ? unexplained bruises and magically broken objects ? and I was laughing as if it was all soooooo funny. It felt funny but if I?d have told him sober I?d have been crying with the shame. There were things that I was convinced I?d already told him but I hadn?t. When I?m very drunk I sometimes bring up pictures of people on my PC screen and have conversations with them ? talking outloud as well ? so it?s likely that I told his photo rather than him. I didn?t admit to that though ? I wasn?t that drunk.

Last night was a success, I think! I poured out just under 600mls and I didn?t go back for more. I went to bed in a reasonable state and slept well. Tonight I?ll go for slightly less. Hopefully I?ll be down to 550mls in a couple of days, and keep reducing like that.

Thanks again for all of your support