Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Definitely don't be hard on yourself, Brassic, you're feeling very ill and down and it's not your fault. And now you're doing your very best to get out of it.

I've been there and I'm so sorry that you're there too. I really feel for you. I KNOW you can get better from this - I did, and I was drinking as much if not more than you. Have hope and remember that when your body is eventually free of alcohol you will feel well again, wonderfully well, in a way you've probably forgotten.

I think the fact that you are already associating alcohol with feelings (uninhibited)indicates that you need something like AA (sorry)and wanting to go beyond that.I am not having a go but have been through this with dp and he did have to abstain completely.He never could moderate and then when you fail all the felings of guilt shame and disappointment flood in.It is a good idea to use more mixers etc
Where do you live?if thats not too nosey

you're being honest about it now, and that's so so important.

One day at a time, Brassic.

Try and make sure you eat properly too.

I'm in SW London noddy.

Mercy - I've really messed around with food lately. Eating loads in the morning and then nothing all day so that I get drunk easier. I used to really enjoy cooking and got such a kick out of making something from scratch and seeing DS wolf it down. I might cook tonight actually. Ex-p will be here soon so I could go to the shops and get what I need to make a shepherds pie

Thats where I used to live!Wimbledon in fact and that is where we lived when dp was going through this If there is anything I can do to help you get in touch

Surely everyone associates drink with feelings, don't they?

I don't actually like the taste of vodka which is why I mix it with diet coke. I certainly wouldn't want it if it didn't change the way I feel. I can't believe that anyone ever really craves the taste of booze, don't we just get used to the taste because we like the associated feelings - or am I illustrating how weird I've become about drink too.

Thanks very much noddy - that's very kind of you. I'm very close to Wimbledon - I was there the other day actually.

I grew up with a mother who was an alcoholic.
Firstly you need a big pat on the back for wanting to do something to change your habits and realising you have a problem.
I have no advise on how you should go about things as my mother never got better, she refused to acknowledge it even when she was at her lowest, consequently she died when I was in my teens.
I just wanted to wish you all the best, and I hope you can find a way to beat it.

The cooking idea is ace. I think you have to do more things that make you feel good about yourself. It's not just about drinking less, its about wanting to drink less because you feel better about yourself. Or it is for me, anyway.

Enjoy your shepherds pie!

hi brassic
you are doiing really well

cod

HI BM

Great to hear from you. The time limit idea is really good - maybe time when you have your drinks too - structure it loads.

Hope you do cook - I love cooking and it takes time nd concerntration and you DP has been so good to you.

I know you went over by 100mls last night but it is still less than you drank in the past. So well done on that level.

What is your plan for tonight?

There's a great book called The Drink Less Mind by Georgia Foster which comes with a hypnosis CD, do you think that would help? It looks at all the reasons we drink and why we think that drinking is solbing our problems etc when in fact they're doing the complete opposite, you then listen to the hypnosis Cd and all these lovely messages come inot youyr head- if nothing else it's a great rekaxing way to send 45 minutes every day.
I've recently - last two weeks stopped drinking, not syaing that I won't go back to it ever and I don't think I had a problem but I did in so much as when I was drinking out with friends I'd wake up the enxt day and not rememebr whole chunks of conversation and I'd have maybe three glasses of wine five nights a week. the thing is I wasn't very good at stopping- where my dh could ahve a glass of red wine with his meal I'd have three, the first glass seemed to trigger soemthing and I wasn't very good at stopping. I haven't had a drink for two weeks now and I feel great- but I have had the occasionsl glass of non-alcoholic wine which while not like the real thing is really not bad and feels at least like you're joining in a bit when everyone around you is drinking. And I'd forgotten how nice a cup of tea is when you ist down in the evning. I think lots of women our age with children have just slipped into a habit of outting the hcildren to bed and pouring ourselves a drink and before you know it you're drinking half a bottle of wine a night or more

BM. I reckon you did well last night.

Cook something nice this evening, have a nice bath/shower and read a good book or a magazine.

This will get easier as time goes on, and last night was only night 1 so don't be too hard on yourself.

Hi BM, I was going to post earlier following noddy's post, outlining what a clinical withdrawal would be like but I didn't want you to think I was saying I know what was best for you.

Ok, first 600mls isn't bad but it's the feelings that you associate with drinking, the place you are trying to get to that is alluding you. I understand the panic when the drink runs out. Do you know what? Moderate drinkers NEVER feel like that. I couldn't understand this for a long time. How can people just have one? Surely the point of drinking is to reach the stage where you are in oblivion.

What I am worried about is that this is just prolonging the agony. It seems like torture to me, and you also have no (face to face) emotional support. Can you imagine 12 weeks of this? Every night when you have finished your allocation but have not reached that place yet?

Like I said before, I have done most types of withdrawal, I was trying to stop for about 3 years. All this time I would not admit that I was "weak", or an addict. Can I ask if you work? By the time I was drinking a litre and a half of vodka a day I could barely function never mind hold down a job.

Clinical withdrawal will involve a reducing dose of librium over about 5-7 days. It doesn't make you high, it dampens down the effect of the nervous system while it gets used to not having alcohol.

In my case the first 48 hours were probably the worst, but the physical symptoms should go quickly. I have never had a convulsion whilst on librium.

The advantage of an inpatient medical withdrawal is that you are supervised. I know you feel like a failure, but this is just a symptom of trying to control something (IMVHO) that you are unable to.

I have done out-patient withdrawal (librium again) but I had the support of AA. I called and asked for help, and a member came to take me to meetings daily - sometimes twice a day - if I needed to. I didn't like it, but I know if I was alone I would pop round to the off-licence. It was that bad, I really couldn't trust myself. Please don't minimise this. You are going through a really difficult period and need all the help you can get.

I hate to think of you in this state, I'm reminded when I sign on here what a dark and lonely place alcohol dependence is. It does get better, please believe me.

I think you did well too. It is terrifying to be in the grip of something so vicious and destructive. Really, try to be gentle with yourself.

kokeshi that is a great post and says it all really.My dp used to try and restrict himself to a 3 drink max and of course he never had the 1 or 2 and tbh rarely 3.What he learned at AA is that moderate social drinkers do not have to measure or plan their drinking as it just isn't an issue.That was when the realisation kicked in for him.AA is full of people talking about their experiences and you will have a lightbulb moment at some point.The emotional fallout from this will be worse because what will happen at the end of the 12 weeks? To me this reduction programme seems almost cruel and ultimately it will improve your physical health but not get to the root of why you drink

BM I think kokeshi's post is great. If I think of trying to do that gradual withdrawal business it feels quite torturous. Plus another 3 months of drinking at the rate you are will be hard. And what if you have bad days, which you're bound to, how will you resist upping your intake? And you're being so marvellously honest here that you admit that the thought of still being able to drink has given you a huge relief. so you're keen on the drinking side of this method rather than the stopping? Correct me if I'm wrong.

I have huge sympathy for you going through this by the way. I wouldn't wish to say anything at all to undermine your going through this absolutely vital process.

My dad did cold turkey with GP and AA support. He was quite old at that point, I guess 65 or so, and he'd only been drinking since he was about 62 after over 10 years of total abstinence. It worked really well for him.

My only personal comparison (and I know it's a weak one) is with smoking which has been my one main addiction since I was in my teens. I've never managed to quit by gradual withdrawal because it's too prolonged and it means I have cigarettes around so can easily slip if something gives me a reason. It's very easy to find a reason. So I've learnt that to quit I have to suffer through cold turkey and not have a cigarette in sight at home.

Wow - I just ready this whole thread froom begiining to end and I think your support for BM and the way this has encouraged her is unbeleilable. Form the media reprots i thought Mumsnet wouod be a load of bored housewives talking about poo but this is truly a great thing

Crikey must check my spelling

Kokeshi's post said everything I feel. I withdrew in a hospital (only because I had dang near killed myself with drinking) and it was painless - really -with Librium to ease any withdrawals. I didn't suffer at all, just felt an incredible peace, and as the poisons (because it IS a poison) left my system I began to feel better than I'd done in years almost immediately. I know I would never have done it by the 'cut down gradually' way for the very reasons Kokeshi gives - it is too tortuous, it controls your thinking too much and panics you when you can see the level going down and know you can't have any more. Too much choice, too many decisions to make - it would have been on my mind every moment of the day.

Not saying that's the best way for everyone - just that for me it was the only way I would have succeeded.

Good luck for tonight, Brassic. Thinking of you. Sleep helps your body repair itself so try to sleep plenty.

well done BM - keep trying - the first step was always going to be hard. I am proud of you.