Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

BM I want to say a bit of a thank you to you. I have read your posts and you have given me an insight into why you drink, and just how difficult it is to not drink, and your thoughts and feelings behind it all.
I spent my childhood confused and angry at my mother. I then spent my teens even angrier because she was no longer in my life, and to me at the time I felt it was down to her. It seems such a selfish illness to an outsider. How could she be like that, and not stop until she was dead?
I know when I think about it, it wasn't all down to her, and I know now as an adult addiction is something much more than that. I just never got the chance to understand why she needed alcohol in the first place, and why she felt she couldn't stop.
Reading your posts about wanting to get to that ultimate place, and being worried about not having that bit more to get you there makes me want to cry, as I wonder if that is how my mother felt.
I have no idea what made her drink, and I wish to god she could have got to the point you are at before it was too late. I guess I'll never know why she didn't.

Just thankyou for your honesty, I've never really understood it from the otherside. I feel positive you will be ok, and your kids will thankyou for it when they are old enough to understand xx

You've really got to me, Brassic, with your honesty and your courage and I am wishing you well with all my heart. Brilliantly well done for doing so well last night!

What you say 'all day long I thought about when I could drink and it made me irritable' is the very reason giving up cold is somewhat easier. There IS no choice then, it's simply "I don't drink." (One day one might have the luxury of choice once more - of whether or not to have a drink: but not until alcohol is totally under one's own control and not the other way around, and then it really WOULD be a choice.)

And I second what DimpleThighs said: the fun I have now without alcohol is greater and deeper than ever it was under drink. Honestly, that's a promise. It doesn't feel like second-rate enjoyment: it's wonderful in its own right to feel well and have a clear head and feel in control of yur thoughts and actions, after so long being frightened and worried and feeling ill. Please feel heartened and know there is so much to look forward to, once you get past this!

Wishing you the best of luck for tonight.

BM, you're brilliant. Keep going. We're all behind you.

BM - thanks for letting us know about last night - sounds like you did brilliantly. Best wishes for tonight - will look forward to hearing how you go!

Best wishes!

BM - I am wishing you all the strength in the world to do this - whatever way works for you. Ludaloo - I wish my sister could read your posts because that is the way she is going at only 40. Imaginaryfriend - she has been drinking HUGE quantities on a daily basis, and just brings the background level down on days when she is 'up' or too ill to drink. TBH, her most frightening binges are only a couple of days apart each time now.

goodnight BM if you are around.

Hello everyone, I won't post much now as I am well over the limit, but my computer died today and it has taken hours to swap pc's with ex-p and install my modem again. I wouldn't normally expect anyone to be so generous, but he knows how much of a lifeline this thread, my email correspondences and googling on alcoholism and liver damage etc, has become during the past week. Whilst I was sitting here trying to boot it up I was lost - I just sat here willing the thing to power up. No idea what my next step would have been if ex-p hadn't agreed to lend me his.

Fio - thank you for being nice about the Stiller thing. I know you were kind to me on the thread I started after that but I was far too busy beating myself up emotionally to be comforted by anything. I was at rock bottom that night. Thank you for the link ? I am no stranger to self help manuals but I don?t own any on alcoholism. I?m reading all the time at the moment and I?m re-discovering myself. I?ll add that book to my next amazon order.

I?ve only poured 500mls tonight and I?m not intending to go beyond that. I?m very drunk now and looking forward to bed ? not a feeling I?m familiar with. The headaches and shakes have been really bad over the weekend ? proof, I suppose that I do have a physical dependency and I?m feeling the withdrawal. I?m hoping that it won?t get worse as I cut down more and that my body will adjust.

Callme ? I really wish I could say something useful about what your sister is doing. It must be devastating and frustrating to see her destroy herself like that. I?m really sorry to hear about it, but I so hope she finds a reason to want to get better.

Again, thanks for looking in here and seeing how I?m doing.

Good to see you posting BM, I've been thinking about you. Hang in there, we're on this journey with you.

Much love kx

Thanks Kokeshi. I wanted to answer your question about whether I work or not. It's way down the thread now and I keep meaning to address you and answer the question each time I post, but I suppose the answer is depressing and so I've avoided it.

I don't work. I haven't since I was pregnant with DS. You were obviously further along than me when you started your recovery - not that it matters, I don't think, but bizarrely I am competitive about this. It's insane that I still want to abuse to the maximum level - that would be the drink talking as I would never admit to that sober. It's true though that I'm almost jealous that you could handle 1.5 litres a day and feel that my habit is kind of silly and tedious compared to that. Bizarre!!!

I'm not functioning very well, but I'm still managing to some degree. I am responsible for taking DS to school, but we're often late. That's about it really. Ex-p has been collecting him every day and he either stays here with him or takes him back to his flat. I would have laughed at anyone that said I'd need my ex-p to do such basic things as run me a bath but it's true. If he doesn't I stay filthy. I've been walking around since yesterday afternoon in a t-shirt and I've got a big towel wrapped around my waist. I had no clothes left.

This is quite funny though. Some kid just phoned and asked to speak to Victoria Beckham. I laughed my arse off and he put the phone down.

Hey BM, I don't often go into my drinking history but I thought it might be useful for you to get some kind of idea of where I was at - and more importantly - that I have managed to recover from it.

I didn't mean to make you feel inferior, I'll tell you I was an absolute shell of a person and one I don't even recognise now looking back. The fear was a huge thing, fear of being sober; reality seems so harsh and unforgiving. My head was like a washing machine, and the only thing (I thought) that would quieten it was the drink. It did that successfully for a while but I just got lower and lower, less able to perform basic tasks, and felt like a piece of shit. Eventually it stopped working, I would drink until I couldn't move, but I still couldn't shut my head off. I was aware of what I was doing to myself and everyone around me. I just didn't want to be. I mean I didn't want to die, but I couldn't imagine facing life sober.

It's a weird think the drink. Cunning, baffling and powerful. People kept telling me what I should be doing with my life (I was supposed to go on and study medicine, I had done pre-med and was accepted), and it just made me feel even worse. I actually remember you as stiller, always thought you were really articulate. What you say about feeling more like yourself when you drink I can totally identify with. But, I know now that I am still that person, but without the guilt, shame and remorse that goes with waking up in the morning and remembering (or not) what I did the night before.

My party trick was getting drunk and calling my friends and "giving them their character". Many of them still aren't speaking to me and it bothers me because I don't know to this day what I've said to them. It goes with the territory though, I'll be clearing away the wreckage of my past for a while yet. But, at least I know that's behind (always a day at a time).

Sobriety is a gift, I know this is way beyond your comprehension right know. But a wee bit of faith will get you far. You say you have a higher power. Fantastic, you are already way ahead. I was thinking about you today, and that I hope you don't resent these things that have been said. I know that all of us, who have walked this path just want the best for you, I guess to spare you some of the misery that we've endured. You have to take your own journey but I really hope you get there. I didn't have kids when I was doing going through this which I am grateful for. You have that extra motivation and it may just be the thing that gets you there quicker.

None of us can predict the future but we'll be here for you to remind you that it can be done. Even in the seemingly hopeless cases like mine. My husband didn't get it, but that's the reality for those of us who have a problem with drink.

Keep on keeping on.

Oh God, there's a lot there that makes sense to me Kokeshi. You didn't make me feel inferior by telling me how much you drank. I'm just analysing everything at the moment and I did feel jealous. That is absolutely my problem and something that I think is important for me to accept. I feel inferior about everything and to want to be the drunkest drunk ever is probably very telling about how low I've become.

I too have needed to bring people down a peg or too when I've been drunk. Sometimes I've done it on here which always leaves me feeling like shit because I can see what I've done in the morning and read other people's reaction to it. My ex-p has been on the receiving end of a dressing-down from me plenty of times too. I've never phoned anyone and lashed out but I do text people and I get a kick out of being as outrageous as possible. Not many people bother to reply and I've cut a lot of people out of my life because they hate me for what I?ve said. I have a talent in finding people?s weak spot and attacking them in the most hurtful way. They obviously think I hate them but I don't.

I was talking to ex-p tonight about being more like me as a drunk than as a sober person and it occurred to me that you and I could both down a bottle of vodka but we wouldn't be the same person. I've used vodka to bring something out and to express myself, but that person must be there underneath. I also noticed that I couldn?t find particular words and couldn?t express myself properly. I kept losing concentration and would forget what I was saying whilst I was trying to find the right word. It must have been very boring for him to listen to.

Your posts are really special on this thread. I?ve said it over and over but I will say it again. I need to hear examples of people living without drink in their lives and I need to know that I won?t always be a loser, just because I?m losing now.

You know you have a fantastic self awareness and that will take you far. Another thing about me - I was brilliant at manipulating people to achieve my own ends. That was to drink as much as possible for as long as I could get away with.

Someone once said to me that if we invested as much time into a business enterprise as we did obtaining drink, we'd all be billionaires! Oh, one thing, don't try to lie to anyone who has had a drink problem in the past...they'll see right though you because they've done it all themselves. It's infuriating!

I'm off to bed now so I hope you can get some sleep. That's another day down for you. Well done. That's all any of us have. Lots of love to you. xxx

Hi BM

How are you today?

Sounds like you kept on track last night which is great.

I think kokeshi posts are wonderful.

Don't really have much to say, but am thinking about you and hope today goes well too.

Thanks for continuing to post - please do, however things are going.

Well done, BM, I'm recognising a lot of what you're saying from things my father used to say. He was a wonderful sensitive man and had a hell of a stressful job and he said that without booze he just couldn't cope with all he had to do. I think it's often the sensitive people who end up addicted to drugs or alcohol.

BM, how long have you been drinking at this level? Do you think you had a lesser problem before that or have you had periods of time when drink really wasn't a problem for you? Do you drink through the day or only start in the evening?

My dad literally couldn't drink without getting drunk. he used to say that to my mum, well, he'd look at her in awe and say 'how can you enjoy just one drink?' He'd have to have the whole bottle.

To think that sometimes he'd do whole court cases after having downed a bottle of gin. It doesn't bear thinking about really. BUT it does show how used to the effects of it your body gets.

Good luck for today.

Hi BM

I never really knew my mother because alcohol turned her into a monster nothing like her real self when I was very young. She died when I was 32, of acute alcohol poisoning (a binge) and hundreds of people cried at her funeral and told me how wonderful she was before she used to drink. I felt cheated out of my mum.

I wish so much that she had done what you are doing, perhaps she would still be here now enjoying her 7 grandchildren, 3 of whom were born after she died.

Please think of me if you feel daunted, and if ever you fall off the wagon, don't give up. Get back on and resume your walk towards getting your self back and giving your DS the mother he wants and deserves. xxx

anorak, I experienced living with my father as a sober and a drunk man. He was sober, thankfully, for most of my childhood, between when I was 4 and 15. I don't remember pre-4, but I do remember post-15 until I was 18 or 19 and he was a totally changed character as a drunk. He didn't think he was, but he was. Fortunately for me he stopped again and we had two good years before he died.

Good morning BM - how are you?

Hi losty, can chat later if you want to? Apologies for hijack!

Thanks to you guys who're being so honest about what it's like as a child of an alcoholic parent. it really makes me determined that my ownchildren won't suffer the legacy of my alcoholism. I'm humbled.

The thing is, kokeshi, you kind of get used to it. You learn never to trust that parent because you know that their booze is always going to come before you and you learn that their mood can be anything from way too over-the-top in affection to cursing you. It's very destructive and leads to very insecure children. My brother was so badly affected that he's never touched a drop of alcohol in his life, he's 42 now.

As for me ... Well I had a very bad time about 6 years ago when i did develop my own alcohol problem but it only went on for 6 months. I've kind of avoided mentioning it on here because this is your thread BM and because it already feels long gone for me. But it does make me understand a lot of what you're going through. And it's why I keep asking you so many questions!

That's really sad if. My parents are also heavy drinkers but I think stop short (possibly, who knows) of being full blown alcoholics.

But, I know that it has affected me emotionally. I had no idea how to process my feelings in a healthy way. We didn't ever talk about emotional things, except when my parents had a few bevvies in them and that's what I learned to do as well.

One thing that struck me when I stopped drinking was how emotionally immature I was. I started drinking at a young age, and never got to "grow" through my late teens and early twenties. All I did was drink through how I felt. It was scary being 27 and feeling like a 13 year old kid.

Have you hear of another fellowship called Adult Children of Alcoholics? . Same basis as AA, 12 step programme and meetings. As I said before, alcoholism is a family illness and everyone deserves a chance to recover from it.

Also Al-Anon for loved ones of those directly affected by a loved one's drinking.