Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

bm you're doing great been following your thread, hope you don't mind the hijack, but Kokeshi, have tried to email you but must have your info wrong. Just wanted to let you know how much I have been thinking about you, and following your progress. So, so, so, pleased that things seem to be going so well for you, I am totally made up. Lots and lots of love, Cubby.

Brassic sending lots of strength to you

try to hang on to any little thing that helps you feel more calm - breathing, tensing all your muscles then relaxing, closing your eyes, a certain phrase to say in your head, anything

even forcing a smile releases endorphins in your body, just pull your face into the right shape and your brain releases chemicals - magic

you can learn strategies for coping with stress, irritation, frustration, anger and sadness - you can do this

I hope you are in touch with your AA contacts too if you feel it would help

hope your evening went well and you got some calm.

Goodnight - sleep well.

Thanks for reading my rant earlier on. I?m fine now, just tired, but not desperate for a drink anymore.

I think DS?s behaviour is indirectly related to my drinking really, but I hate admitting it. Since I started cutting down I?ve really been over-sensitive to all his little quirks and have been letting him have his own way with everything. You sort of have to with ASD a bit because it?s the only way to get any peace, but I?ve been letting him have everything just the way he ?needs? it. I was really beating myself up about him wetting himself (all stopped now ) and I wanted to try and re-build a bond that in truth has never really been there (that?s nothing to do with my drinking either, just ASD). All I?ve done by giving into him is encouraged the controlling obsession to get more intense. So this evening I?ve been a lot stricter. He had a horrible tantrum in the supermarket because he wanted to join the longest queue [sigh] but I just let him get on with it. I feel a bit better for that actually and I?m being less hard on myself now.

He?s in bed now but not asleep yet. I really hope he?s worn himself out and will sleep in tomorrow.

Dimples ? I used to post on SN a lot under a different name, but that was before I started using drink to bury it all. I will go back to it soon though and back to MSN where I?ve got some contacts who have DC?s with SN. Everything is so knotted together, the guilt, denial, escapism and it felt like drink made it better, but I can either drink myself into an early grave or learn to live and deal with my problems. It?s not all about DS though and I?d hate his dad to know what I?ve typed here. I can talk to him about almost anything, but not DS.

Quattro ? I?ve got a big bag of pic?n?mix Not going to lose the boozy flab like that, but one thing at a time I suppose.

Hidesit ? I?ve used every excuse to have a drink including pain. Logically I knew vodka wasn?t going to help a headache but? Hope you get some relief from the toothache.

Franny ? I feel such an old cow for calling the lady from AA over a bank holiday weekend. I will do it if things get bad, but at the moment it?s like I just want to have an angry outburst and throw things and shout at people. I?ve really got some odd physical things going on as well and I don?t know if it?s because I?ve completed the detox now. Probably TMI but my breath is horrible, I am sweating loads (more than I normally would in this weather) and bowel movements are really painful and odd (sorry ). Our car is back on the road now and that?s been fantastic for relieving stress, especially as DS enjoys it and usually behaves himself.

Sorry, I have really whittled on here. Lots and lots to get off my chest though.

Day 3 of abstinence almost complete anyway

Brassic good lord call her if you need to! Take kokeshi's word for it that you are doing HER a favour as well by allowing her to reach out to others in need and strengthen her own path without alcohol

What kokeshi said reminded me of a woman who did spiritual healing (not sure if I believe in it but I found this interesting). I asked her if it was exhausting work and she said "oh no, I just channel the power through my body into yours so I get all the benefits of it on the way"

may sound like nonsense but it did put me in mind of it thinking about the AA person

Children, eh? Love mine to death but they leave me completely frazzled.

With F&Z all the way - Kokeshi said that what the AA lady was doing "is called 12th stepping - reaching out to someone else with a drinking problem. For all AA members who have done the 12th step programme, a 12th Step call helps their own sobriety and they're giving back what was so freely given to them."

Truly can't believe that you would be putting the AA lady out by calling. Also BH weekends can be something pf a trial - it might really be helping her as well as you. Literally.

Love and hugs and all that soppy stuff. G'night

Brassic, well done. Everyone is really talking sense and we're all behind you. You know, I'd say just call the AA lady, make a date and go to a meeting. There's nothing really to stop you now, except - I guess - only fear and apprehension (and pride?). I totally understand that thinking that by going to a meeting you think you're signing your life away. Simple answer is you're not. The truth is that AA members know too well if you are determined to go back to drinking (not saying you are) it's really not worth their while to try to stop you.

You can't possibly imagine or intellectualise about what AA could do for you. I tried to think my way out of my drink problem, convinced that I knew enough to do it alone. I couldn't and I can't. I am not weak by needing AA, but it took me a while to get my head round this.

So, re the the weekend. Alcoholism doesn't have holidays and doesn't take time off. Likewise neither does AA or it's members. The busiest time for AA meetings are specifically those times that are dangerous for us...Christmas, New Year, weekends and holidays. Yep, we even have marathon meetings over hogmanay into the New Year.

I can try and explain till the cows come home, I'm just words on a screen to you. I can never offer you what you'll get from a face to face meeting with others in the same situation as you. You need support and what's more, you deserve it.

Keep posting, you're doing great.

BM, don't want to steal your thunder, you've done so brilliantly.

I, however, haven't. We had chums round last night who we're going to France with on Tuesday. Got some diazepan waiting for me at Boots.

I take my hat off to you, I really do. XXXXX

Just rushing on (and then off) line to wish you well for the weekend, BM...and to second Kokeshi, or third her, for that matter: I got sober at the end of November, just in time for Christmas and New Year, and the 12-step Fellowships were not only very active over the holidays, they were probably at their most active. I even went to a couple of parties (very grudgingly and nervously, I might add).

Holidays of any sort, even a wee Bank one, can be the worst time for alcoholics...so do call her if you need or want to.

You're doing great. I remember the first weeks of dealing with life without booze/drugs, and can only imagine what that might have been like had I had my dds then -

I also remember all the anger, frustration, misery and plain exhaustion that I started to feel as the numbness wore off. Just remember whatever you're feeling today - a little or a lot - is normal for where you are, and the more support you have, and talking you get to do, the better.

Will be with you in spirit over the weekend - not online, as at my Mum's, but thinking of you

earlgrey...

I wish I had more time to post, but am thinking of you too and wish you some support over the weekend.

HI BM

Big congratulations on the progress you have made so far and this thread that has been full of very honest posts - I the way you identify and express your feelings is so clear and I think that in lots of ways you are very in tune with yourself and I really think that has been a big factor in you doing so well.

I think the others are right about calling AA for the support you nedd - imagine if it was the other way round - you were sat at home on a bank holiday and nothing happened and you found out someone needed you but didn't call because they didn't want to disturb you - you would think 'of course they should have called' I am sure that is how she would feel if she found out you wanted her but didn't want to disturb her.

Have a wonderful day with your new found health.

Best wishes.

Morning BM, how are you today?

Earlgrey, can you explain a bit what's going on? Are you worried about the holiday or did something happen?

By the way BM, just re-read your post. You know many people use AA meetings to "to have an angry outburst and and shout". It's all stuff that we need to get out, and anger is a really common - and destructive - emotion in the early days. Reality can feel so overwhelming at first.

(I took out the part you said about throwing things because I wouldn't want you to be up on a charge. )

cubby, great to see you! How are you? I haven't paid this year's CAT fees yet. Email is k0keshi at hotmail dot com (that's a zero between the ks). Hope to hear from you.

Earlgrey ? please keep posting if it helps. I hope you?re alright.

Kokeshi ? It is frightening for me to admit (to myself more than anyone else) that I?m an alcoholic and that I will never be able to have a drink again. I know I won?t have to stand up and say it out loud at a meeting unless I want to, but I?m admitting it by just attending. I am going to do it, but it?s the bit that will take the most courage. I will text her today and make plans to go to a meeting next week but I?ll phone her and ask for more immediate support if I feel like I might end up at the off-licence sooner than that.

The mornings are easy really and it?s a pleasure to wake up without the hangover now. It?s the evenings that are hard and I have to keep busy to keep the cravings at bay. I know I?ll cope over the weekend as I won?t be alone very much so very little opportunity to sneak off and buy vodka.

Kokeshi, I?m far too shy to have an outburst at an AA meeting. I?ll probably cry though and a sober cry might be just as therapeutic, and more cleansing than a full on tantrum. The angry feelings are not there all the time, they only surface when I?m dealing with something stressful and I would normally tell myself ?when this is finished I can reward myself with a drink?. That makes me feel so wound up. I really wish I had a private, padded, sound-proof room to go in and let it all out. I?ve never felt like that at any stage in my life before.

Need to get ready for a BBQ now. My first opportunity to turn down a drink

Have a good time Brassic - have you thought about what you will say if questioned about not drinking?

Have a good time BM, hope it goes ok.

hope the rain stays away brassic!

I understand totally BM, and to answer your question further down, I started my recovery in 2001. But I only really "got it" after my husband killed himself in 2004. The intervening years were f*cking hell on earth and I wish I could just have listened to what people were telling me.

I think we're all just trying to save you some of the pain that we've gone through because we were too scared to admit "defeat".

I think you are doing brilliantly and I hope this doesn't come across as a lecture. I'll be 31 next week and I never though I'd see my 30th birthday. Not many people did actually.

Off out myself now, I hope you enjoy the barbecue and stay strong. Will check back in later. x

I'm dreading it actually . I'm a really nervous person until I have a drink so I'll be blushing and trying to avoid talking to anyone.

I'm making a statement by taking a nice bottle of apple juice (or something like that [ex-p has gone out to get it]), so hopefully people will get the hint that I'm not drinking. If I'm offered I'll just ask for a soft drink. If I'm badgered I'm going to lie and say I'm on anti-biotics.

These people are neighbours and parents of DS's school friends, so I don't want them all gossiping about me when I leave.

FIS - I'm hoping tht it rains actually . The house is too small for everyone so it will be a perfect excuse to go home.

I'm not going to drink alcohol though. Definetly not

That's right Franny, always a good plan to prepare your answers...some people can be really persistant with the drink.

I know people who've said they're on medication (anti-biotics), I just say I don't drink now, but it took me a while to get there!

good idea with the applejuice - if they pester you on the antibs (as some people are wont to do), tell them you've had a sinus infection (also a reason to leave if it gets too much).

Sorry Kokeshi - we cross posted. I hope it didn't look like I did see your post as a lecture and was ignoring it.

I'm glad you understand how I feel. I don't consider myself to be anywhere near recovered and I know 1 trip to the off-licence and I will be back to square 1. I know I have to do more than just stay sober to really feel that I've achieved anything. If life was great I wouldn't have abused alcohol in the first place - it's not like it enhanced my life in any way.

I'm really sorry that you had to go through such a tragedy

Yes I said I was on antibiotics at first as well!

As time has gone by we have different friends now, really, and they don't know us as drinkers. People think it's just part of my freaky organic lentilly persona

Again, well done! Ring the AA woman if you want to at all. I'm sure she does it because it helps her to help you. And I'll bet she's thinking of you wondering how you're doing.

Good luck on the bbq this afternoon. I usually say "Not right now, thanks". I have the backup of "I'm on a diet" - people are on such weird ones these days that a no alcohol diet seems like something someone would try. That only works if you're a bit overweight though... I can't see you, so am not suggesting it's something that would work for you!

Dealing with the head noise that I get from watching my children all days is sometimes difficult (ok, it's very difficult). I second what Elibean said here:

"You're doing great. I remember the first weeks of dealing with life without booze/drugs, and can only imagine what that might have been like had I had my dds then -

I also remember all the anger, frustration, misery and plain exhaustion that I started to feel as the numbness wore off. Just remember whatever you're feeling today - a little or a lot - is normal for where you are, and the more support you have, and talking you get to do, the better."

Sorry for repeating it, but that's exactly what I felt, too. One of the best things about talking with other alcoholics in recovery is that they know how you feel. It's kinda like being pregnant - you don't know what it's like until you've been there... it's not something you can explain to someone and have them really understand. That might be a horrible analogy, though.

earlgrey and hidesitinthecupboard, sorry to hear you're having such tough times.

Good luck and it's raining here, so BM, hope you're able to make it home safely and sneak out early if that's what you want to do.