Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

how wonderful!#

went back and read your first post - seems like such a short time ago - who would have belived we would have been at this point so soon!

All your wonderful effort of course!

I too have been lurking on this thread since the beginning (its the first thing I check when I log on actually) and just wanted to say a huge congratulations to you. You truly are an inspiration and have shown tremendous strength and courage. Be very proud of yourself.

thinking about you this evening - you are doing a really wonderful job.

Look after yourself!

Very much love,

Dimpled

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Well done BM! You have every right to be so pleased with yourself and proud of what you have done!

Smiling hugely for you and wishing you well!

XX

Fantastic news BM

I am so proud of you.

Be nice to hear from you x x x

Hope you're doing ok Brassic

BM

Well done isn't nearly enough to say what I think/feel. But well done anyway - on your detox, on your attitude throughout, on admitting it when it hasn't gone according to plan, on calling the AA lady, and on your first 24 hours of being alcohol-free in the truest sense. And for starting a thread that is supporting lots of us.

Sorry not to be online more, you've been in my thoughts daily - along with several other posters - but life has been keeping me elsewhere, at least in body!

Good luck again tonight, and through the weekend...its good that you have a plan re going to a meeting next week, but also good idea to keep your options open: if you feel like going before, do. I might be wrong, but suspect you'll feel - oh, all sorts of things, but mostly at home

well done BM this is such an inspiring thread x

How's tonight BM?

Wow - congrats. Hang in there, it can be a bumpy ride for a bit. What helped me was AA and talking to other alcoholics - we've all been there and know what it's like.

I've heard it said that you learn what made you drink after you get sober - that's certainly true for me. All the stuff I've never dealt with is still there, although I'm working through it. You would've thought all those drunken nights crying into my wine glass over that shit would've counted for something, but no. Hey ho.

When I have a bad day, I call someone or try to find a meeting. Occasionally I hate it, but it keeps me sober and slows my head down a bit (in a good way). I just got back from one tonight though and it was fab; it's being with friends for evening. And the obsession does go - you might not believe it sometimes in the early days, but it does.

Oenophile's love of proper sleep made me laugh in recognition. It's so fab, isn't it? I love it.

Well done - hope tonight is going ok.

Yep I am fond of my sleep these days funny how I have replaced the high of drink with such small and 'dull' pleasures - but you know, I treasure them. All the more because I remember in my drinking days how nothing was ever enough. I never felt 'oh, I've had enough drink now.' It was always 'if one feels good, then twenty will be even better'.

BrassicM, this is the first time I've been here all day but I was thrilled by your news of a dry night. I felt so happy for you. Please be proud of yourself - that is no easy thing you've done. And I'm glad you noticed that waking up felt better without those symptoms. Good luck and keep posting!

still here in spirit!

still rooting for you!

good night

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Hope you slept well, BM.

Natural sleep is better and longer too.

Hope the day goes well for you. Is DS breaking up for half-term?

Keep up the fabulous work

:0

Morning everyone and thanks for all your posts.

Last night was harder than Wednesday night, but I didn?t drink. We share a garden with our neighbours and all the children were out playing together. There were tantrums and squabbles and fighting for toys and it went on for hours. I really wanted a drink. I kept myself very busy last night so I couldn?t think about it but I felt like I was wearing a false grin all evening. I feel better this morning for not giving in last night though.

Oenophile ? there was a thread yesterday, started by MartianBishop, about the greatest under-rated pleasures in life. Things like getting into a bed made with freshly laundered sheets and early nights with a good book were popular. I?ve got a longing at the moment to do a big jigsaw puzzle . I used to enjoy things like having a bath, putting on new pyjamas and watching a DVD all by myself ? you can rewind it if you didn?t hear what was said, pause it if you need to go to the toilet and watch it again afterwards if you want to, without pissing anyone else off. I?ve drowned all those little pleasures out while I?ve been drinking.

Kokeshi ? I hope everything went well yesterday

Quattro ? Yes, today is his last day. I?m a bit nervous of spending the whole week with him, hence planning to go to a meeting next week. He doesn?t understand Saturday mornings at all because he?s off of school but his dad is at work, so school holidays are challenging. I think I?ll get myself an Oyster Card and just spend the week on buses ? he likes that

Well done! Hooray! That really is fantastic. I've been advised on another thread that keeping a little book about the GOOD things can be helpful. I'm going to try it as it's so easy to sink into the misery and rubbish. So.. I've started. Well done again, BM.

Well done BM, being sober in the early days is really challenging, you have to be vigilant all the time. So it really is a great achievement every day you can climb into your bed (with freshly laundered sheets ) sober. Well done on yesterday.

Like ParticularlyGrey said, an AA meeting for me is just like being with old friends. In fact I was at my first meeting in a long time on Wednesday and it was really special just sitting listening to everyone. I was really emotional. There were also a couple of newcomers at our meeting and I thought of you. They didn't say anything - you don't have to if you don't want to. But, it's so much easier to do when you have support.

I'm actually going out tonight for a curry with a big group of friends - all AA members - to celebrate my return to the hearing world. Fours years ago no-one would speak to me or invite me anywhere!

Thanks for asking after me, it was another mapping session to finely tune my implant. It's cleared up a lot of the background noise and they're very pleased (as am I) with the results.

I hope you feel OK today, please keep posting if you're feeling a bit strange, it really helps to get it out of your head.

Hi to the others, how are you getting on?

BM you are doing fantastically well with this. Kokeshi am so pleased to read that you are being helped with your hearing. Brings tears to my eyes. Enjoy your curry!
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hope your day is going well.

Thanks Dimples. I?m really struggling tonight. I know I won?t drink because I?ve got this far and it would be madness to chuck it in now. If I started drinking tonight I don?t think I?d ever stop.

Kokeshi ? Is it 4 years since you started your recovery? We must be around the same age. Glad they?ve improved your implant. Enjoy your curry ? you?ve got loads to celebrate

I?m really wound up and angry. My DS?s behaviour is terrible. I?m so sick of the outbursts directed at me and his dad, and having to pander to ridiculous things to stop him kicking off (this is all ASD related, nothing to do with my drinking). I?ve really tried to do nice things for him today but it?s pointless. Unless he can have everything his own way, such as who gets to sit down first and who gets to walk through the door first he goes into meltdown. I had to go to the balcony to cool down and I wanted to scream. I?ve got so much pent up aggression at the moment. It?s not his fault, he can?t help it, and it doesn?t usually get to me this much.

I?m going to leave his dad to deal with him for an hour or so while I have a bath.

Wish Kokeshi was online - she'd have some words of wisdom.

The really seductive thing about alcohol is the idea that it helps you to relax. It doesn't. Stay strong BM, stay strong. We're all rooting for you.

This sounds stupid but have you got any small treats that you can award yourself for staying away from the vodka? Like I don't know a new book or a cake or something to look forward to?

Know just what you mean about children. Mine haven't got ASD or any form of SN. But they are truly horrible and lawless when they are tired - so getting away from them just is so necessary.

Still smiling for you, rooting for you and thinking of you.

Hi BM! Be thinking about you tonight. Great to hear you being so positive about staying strong.

I have a terrible toothache today, was sat crying earlier on cause it was hurting so much (when the babies were asleep, not in front of them).

Problem is any form of 'pain' is usually one of my biggest excuses to drink. Determined not to thou. Been given anti biotics from dentist which should be enough to stop me (just never has before .

BM - sorry to hear things are difficult - I know you have put a lot of time and effort into your son lately and it is hard when it feels completley taken for granted. Do you go on any other threads on mumsnet at the minute - I am sure that you could raise these issues (nder a different name if you like) for support or advice.

Going out on the balcony seems like a good plan - a bit of distance. I hope you get soem peace in the bath and get a chance to wind down.

YOu attitude is amazing - the way you just won't contemplate going back is wonderful. Stick to your head strong positive guns, get some rest and take care of yourself.

Very much love,

dimple

Come on BM. You can do it. Have been lurking on this thread for a while and I just want you to know that we are all routing for you!

Kids can be real nightmares at times and sadly they don't always know when you've pulled out all the stops for them. But believe me - when he grows up he will really know that you did pull out all the stops - and that's what counts.