Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Hi BM, I have to go in a minute but I couldn't leave without posting.

1. Well done for coming on and admitting it, that's a really brave thing to do - just keep being honest.

1. That was yesterday, today is a new day and you have to use that experience positively. Maybe it shows you that it is really difficult to control this yourself? I can understand the panic of coming to the end thinking what now?

1. I think it would be a good time to call the lady from AA back. Often we are told a relapse beings in our minds even before we're conscious of it. It's a scary time and overwhelming for you to have to deal with alone. alcohol is cunning, baffling and powerful and despite your best intentions, it will creep upon you.

1. You haven't let anyone down, you are doing this for yourself, and there are also many people here (including myself) who are benefiting from the thread. Recovery is a work in progress, so it will let people reading this know that it takes a lot to overcome this. It can be done, but it's not easy. Take all the help and support you can get.

I hope your ex-p isn't too upset. Many people don't understand the nature of alcoholism. I'm sure you know now exactly what is meant by "powerless". But, this is your journey and it will happen as it's supposed to.

I'll be thinking of you today, please don't be too hard on yourself. How are you feeling physically? Are the withdrawals worse today?

Much love to you x

Thanks Huw

Hi Kokeshi ? I?ve got no withdrawal symptoms at all, but I only had 150mls in total yesterday as I didn?t even open the new bottle. EX-P locked it in the car overnight and has taken it to work with him ? bad idea probably but I can?t bear to put a whole new bottle in the bin or pour the contents down the sink.

I am going to phone the AA lady today. I didn?t text her last night as it was late by the time I?d decided not to drink and I didn?t want her phone to wake her up. It has made me realise how manipulative I can be when I want a drink and how difficult it was too control. I?ve been hiding empty bottles for a while now but not full ones. I don?t feel that bad about it this morning because I confessed and I feel like I?ve still got a bit of control left. I know it would have been different if I?d had no-one to get rid of it for me though.

I?ve just spoken to EX-P and he?s ok about it now. I don?t think he does understand but he isn?t making me feel bad about it.

Enjoy your day. The weather?s lovely so I?m going to sit on the balcony in between trips to the washing line.

Hi BM - wow, this thread has really grown since i was last on MN!

Me and ds are off school/work with a virus so haven't had the energy to fire up the pc, but wanted to see how you were.

I've only skimmed the post quickly, but well done for admitting to x-dp about your extra drinking. It is the nature of the beast BM, the cycle of change as they call it.

You are doing the best thing in not beating yourself up about it and trying to accept it - one day at a time.

You really are doing so well and i'm so pleased you called the lady from AA. Well done BM - email me if you get a chance or it helps. I was thinking of you even though i haven't mailed you.

Oh Choco8, I'm really pleased to hear from you.

I keep starting emails and then deleting them because I think 'it's been ages now, she'll think this is weird'.

Sorry that you and DS are ill. Hope you're both better soon. Thanks for the support

'Course i wouldn't think it was weird BM! Write when you want, it's always nice to hear from you and as you said, it helps talking about something else. x

Gotcha BM, misunderstood your explanation. That's great that you managed to allow DP to help you, it must have been really frightening. But you got through it and that's the main thing.

Enjoy the sun and please post if you need to, no matter how trivial it may seem to you at the time.

How are the other folks doing?

Well, Brassic, we can all just celebrate your first day without alcohol.

I think you did well yesterday. Despite being tempted, you stayed strong and didn`t drink. That is a moment to remember next time you feel tempted, how strong you felt and relieved that you resisted.

I am glad your ex-p is ok with it.

Only got a moment BM but sounds to me like you faced up to a problem - and overcame it - and came out with credit! well done to you, girl!

Good luck too HITC, I smiled at your name as I had to constantly find NEW cupboards to hide my bottle in as my husband kept finding it. He always found them in the end. Even the one I kept under the mattress

When i stopped drinking I lost about a stone just by doing that, even though I was hardly eating by the time I got so ill. It really is a huge and empty source of calories. I can hardly believe how big and puffy I was in those days. So that's a nice little bonus.

Good luck to everyone for tonight. My, how I wish I had had this place to come to when I was drinking and feeling so bad and so ashamed. I'm still loving the freedom to talk about things I've hidden for so long.

Hi all!

Glad that you are not letting last nights 'mishap' affect things for you BM. I actually think that all in all you handled it brilliantly.

Oenophile - I hid bottles everywhere! Got a dishwasher earlier this year and although was extremely pleased, was devestated cause could no longer hide bottles behind the washer as dishwasher filled the space next to it!! Also used to put empty bottles in boot of my car and take them to recycling so that DP never saw.

Well today is day 4 and am determined not to lapse! Did sleep a little better last night, probably aided by the 'action' I got before bed. Hate to admit it but can't remember the last time we had sex when I was sober. I can actually remember it, and glad that I can too (TMI - sorry)!!

However, when did wake during the night, and for first couple of hours this morning, felt really really sick, and hot, and disorientated(sp). Unrelated or side effect???

Tbh Kokeshi, it was exhilarating thinking about being able to get drunk later on. That was until I was accepting false praise and then I just felt ashamed. It was a new low for me as I?ve got used to hiding empties, but usually with a promise to myself that this is the end ? NO MORE OFF-LICENCE. I?ve never hid full bottles before or bought them in secret as I?ve always told myself that I?m just re-stocking/going to treat myself to 1 or 2.

LOL @ sober sex hidesit. I wish...

I don?t really know whether the things you mentioned are withdrawal symptoms. My sleep was really disturbed for the first week or so of reducing, but I didn?t feel sick or hot. Maybe you could call NHS Direct and ask them? Or maybe someone on here knows. I think further down someone (Kokeshi ?) said that the worst of the withdrawal symptoms are over within 48 hours, but I wouldn?t like to say unless I?m sure. Well done though, 4 days is fantastic.

Macmama thanks. EX-P is giving up football tonight as a tribute to my first alcohol free day.

I?m hoping that I?ll lose weight too soon. I don?t eat that much either but everything is quick and unhealthy and obviously the calories in drink are going somewhere. I?m certainly not burning any off with exercise at the moment.

Same here. very best wishes and good luck, BM.

Shall I do another YAY, go girl, you can do it type whoop?!

(Mercy xx)

Evening Brassic, I'm thinking of you and congratulating you on all that you have achieved

Glad I made you laugh BM! Good luck for tonight! X

Oh, Brassic, if your ex-P is missing the champions league final to celebrate with you, you know he must be really proud of you!

Good luck for tonight!

PS. 1 - 0 mailand at the moment

Hurray for you BM. I hope it's going well tonight. Don't worry too much about the slip-up yesterday. You handled it brilliantly, you changed your mind, came clean and moved on again. No point dwelling on it.

But as Kokeshi said earlier, you don't owe us guys anything, we're here to support you, you're doing this for you and we're not here to judge you whatever happens.

You've been on an amazing journey ...

Hi BM

I am having a break from mumsnet but could not resist popping in to see how you were doing.

Well done for confronting your almost slip up last night and managing to turn it around - sounds like it took a lot of courage to see your mistake and speak to your ex - I think it was amazing that you did that, it is a positive to be proud of, a glitch in the plan that you overcame rather than gave in to.

I hope this evening is going well - I cannot believe how far you have come. I bought you something the other day I would like to post to you if that is okay - email me when you have a minute on dimpledthighs at hotmail dot co dot uk (but don't worry if you would rather not - I understand!)

Am not on mumsnet at the minute but will pop back to your thread.

very best wishes and congratualtions on your progress!

Hope everything's OK Brassicmonkey.

Hiitc, well done! The risk of the more dangerous withdrawal symptoms passes within about 48 hours, but insomnia may be something that's with you for a bit longer. Your nervous system will take a while to re-adjust to the absence of alcohol as a sedative, but it will get better. Be good to your body: eat well, drink plenty of water and try to get some gentle exercise to get back into healthy sleeping pattern.

kokeshi, are you around? And sorry, BM, for hijacking your thread. Just that I had a very bad day yesterday.

hello earlgrey
I'm just stuffing lunch down my neck for the next 15 mins, want to talk?

Yes, please, but don't know where to start. 2 bottles of wine yesterday might give you some idea.

I'm listening

how have you up til last night?

Had a mum from dds school round yesterday, and told her all about it. Feeling really rank about doing that, although she was lovely and didn't condemn me at all.

Ms Wong?

Thought you were going to listen

Hi BM. Only just found this thread!

By scanning through all the posts I can see that you have done amazingly well! You should be very proud of yourself!

My uncle, who I am very close to, has been an alcoholic for many years. He is in his 40s now. Ran pubs for a long time which started it. His weakness was vodka. Not sure how much he drank / drinks but it was a LOT! Anyway he has nearly died more than once. He has pancriatitis and his liver is shot to bits. He has been in and out of hospital. He went under 5 stone, He had tubes down his throat to feed him as he couldnt keep anything down, that didnt work so they had to put one directly into his stomach. I saw him go through absolute hell. I was heartbroken, as was all the family.

Since then (was only a year ago when at his worst) He has put on 2 stone, eating a little better and cut down his drinking. However has not stopped and still has a problem. The reason is, is that he has a bad attitude to life. He doesnt really try and doesnt care about the family or himself. He is lonely though. No partner and no children. I honestly dont think he will ever recover. and even if he did stop completely he has been told my docs that his liver is so so damaged that he will be lucky if sees the next 5 years. Its very sad

So after my ramble, my point is, is that you have done so well. You have thought about yourself and your family. You have taken steps and got advise. You know that you will never walk down that path of my uncle. That kind of thing could have happened to you but you were / are strong enough to stop and take control again!!!

Keep it going, you will be so happy and feel so much better. Your children will be so proud of you. xx