Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

BM, just wanted to reiterate what K said, really.

There will be one or two women who've been where you are, and are willing to come to your home and take you to an AA meeting. And they're totally understanding.

I've been an alcoholic (no, I AM one) and I know how it feels. I think you're doing brilliantly, BTW.

AA didn't work for me but unless you try it you've lost nothing.

Loads of love xx

Hello Brassic
You've done so well to stick to your limits, that takes guts, and I wish you all the best for tomorrow! I always click on this thread first - a great camaraderie among those of us who've been in the grip of alcohol.

Make sure you have some nice soft drinks around for when you give up, perhaps. It sounds silly but I've managed to transfer some of my alcohol dependence to... Airwaves chewing gum and ice cubes (addictive personality, see). I actually look forward to the next fresh soft drink studded with ice and even deny myself it for a short while so I can enjoy indulging it all the more.

Another thing I now look forward to is.. SLEEP. I sleep so much better now I'm alcohol-free, and enjoy a short afternon nap as well as getting into bed at nights with a book to relax when everyone else is asleep.

I know it doesn't sound as much 'fun' as getting drunk and partying but you just learn to transfer your expectations of 'fun' and treats to other, safer ways. Anyway, everything feels better and more joyful once you are free of the mental stress and physical effects of alcohol - so you do have much to look forward to.

Hugs!

Hi BM

A sunny day for you!

Thinking about you - can't believe it has been three weeks - 'well done' doesn't really convey how impressed I am.

Best wishes for today!

This is a really exciting time BM! I think it will be good for you too keep this thread going as well - a journal of sorts. It helps if you can look back and identify days which are hard and what caused that. If you're armed with knowledge of how your own head works, solutions come so much easier.

I didn't realise you'd gone to AA earlygrey. What was it that didn't get on with? Not quizzing you, genuinely interested. To be honest I was fighting against it all the way. My first stint was 6 weeks and I was just there to please everyone around me. I went back out again for another year or so (in that time got so much worse) and then had to bite the bullet. I wasn't ready the first time, I had reached my "gutter".

I really disliked talking about myself or my feelings in public - the whole point of a meeting really! But gradually I opened up and felt a really affinity with everyone in the room, because they knew exactly - not just paying lip service to - what I shared.

I do think any kind of talking therapy, be it AA or one to one alcohol counselling is important, but for me AA just gave me that sense of belonging that I'd not had for so long.

Loved the piece on fruit flies - poor drunk things!

I guess that if your genes can alter to accomodate the drinking then it seems logical that they can alter back to their former state.

To me it was thinking am I going to abuse myself as a way of dealing with what is wrong with me, dont think thats very likely to help - thats just the inner dialogue that helps me now. It did seem like that was the only option for a long time tho.

Wishing everyone a good morning.

Amazing journey, BM.

Yes I read Kokeshi's other strand too. Partly because that's another amazing journey but also partly because it seems to radiate serenity.

Oenophile - thanks for everything before and the sleep thing makes lots of sense too.

LOL at your chewing gum addiction Oenophile. It sounds much more fun than getting drunk tbh, as it hasn?t been about partying or socialising ? more about sitting on my own crying.

I?ve just got off the phone to a lady from AA. I cried loads again and was croaking and stammering, but it was a relief. It?s amazing how generous and trusting a perfect stranger can be and I feel so grateful to her. We spoke a lot about how we started drinking and family history and how we felt about contacting AA. It was surreal because we?re both sharing personal things and so many of them were similar and we live close yet, she is very well spoken and educated, and I?m not. I can?t really explain what I mean but I suppose I must be an inverted snob because when I answered the phone I thought I wouldn?t be able to connect with her at all. I hope that?s alright to say.

There was no pressure to go to a meeting but the offer of coming with me to whichever one suited me best on whatever night was convenient to me, was there. I have her telephone numbers and will call her back next week but I will text her this evening to say thank you. I think I need some time between my last drink and going to a meeting. I don?t know why I feel like that, maybe because I?m afraid that I?ll accept all her generosity and it will be wasted because I?ll lapse. I don?t feel like I?m going to and if I did I would still go to a meeting anyway. I?m not sure I understand myself here, so I don?t expect anyone else to know what I?m trying to say.

I?m glad that I phoned now. Sorry, this is a stupid message but I want to post about it because it?s important, but I?m all over the place at the moment.

well done for calling her - I can understand your fear of letting people down (and letting yourself down) but try not to let that overwhelm you.

You're doing so well and I'm so pleased for you that you have someone near by who you can talk to.

glad the AA call went well. Every step yu are making at the minute is proving to be so positive.

Have a nice rest of the day.

BM, you are doing so amazingly well. I can't believe how far you've come since this thread started. I'm sat at work trying not to cry, it's very moving and inspirational.

I don't know why you say you're not well educated. All your posts here, even when you've been drinking, are all incredibly articulate.

Have read this and followed your progress since the beginning and just wanted to say how impressed I have been with your willpower.

Good luck for tomorrow!

BM, I'm really glad you've made contact. What she's doing is called 12th stepping - reaching out to someone else with a drinking problem. For all AA members who have done the 12th step programme, a 12th Step call helps their own sobriety and they're giving back what was so freely given to them.

I had a fantastic woman take me to meetings and I was just blown away by the the compassion I was shown. I couldn't believe all these people in the meetings were being so nice to me when I felt like a piece of shit myself. All that everyone one wants is for you is the freedom from alcohol that they've had. I was told - "you're no longer alone".

Been reading this thread and am really amazed by your fantastic progress BM!

You should be really proud of yourself!

I can't seem to wean myself off, so trying just stopping! Had bottle of wine and two bottles of cider on Saturday afternoon/evening and had nothing since! Felt fine last two days but then didn't sleep at all last night. Fidgeting and couldn't stop thinking and stressing! (Typically the one night DS slept through).

Really struggling now and desperately want to go to the shop for some wine!

hey hiitc! Well done, that's fantastic! It's really early days yet and insomnia is one of the withdrawal symptoms. It will improve within a couple of weeks. You've done so well, hang on in there!

Hiitc, I'd just go by all my other suggestions too - like calling AA - if you feel like it would help you. I can't stress enough how important support is for you at this point.

Hidesit ? please try not to. I know how you?re feeling though and it is bloody hard.

Kokeshi ? I suppose I expected that 12th step to be given begrudgingly or by someone that would make me feel like it was a doctor/patient thing. That it was a duty that they had to provide. It didn?t feel like I was begging for help and receiving it, more like we were both just talking about alcoholism and she was introducing me to something and showing me the benefits. I suppose what I mean is that it didn?t feel like I was shaming myself and confessing, more like we were both having a chat and saying ?mmm, me too?. I know it probably sounds naïve and I?m sure she had better things to do this morning, but she didn?t make me feel like that. It was really comforting.

MrsWednsday ? I hope you didn?t cry at work. I?d feel really bad about that. Thank you though

Hi Kokeshi - thanks for the encouragement! Did manage to stop myself going to the shop. Feeling absolutely shattered at the moment so desperately hoping I will sleep tonight!

Only problem is, to stop myself going to the shop for wine, I ate instead! A much lesser evil ! But one I def need to combat too.

Hoping that now the HUGE amount of calories I was consuming in wine, cider, lager (so classy) each night has STOPPED, I will be able to lose all the weight I put on from drinking it in the first place (never been this big before and am truly ashamed)!

Not really sure that AA is for me, although I can admit I have a problem on here anonymously (sp) really don't think I can say it to anyone. My partner is always commenting on my drinking (even though had NO idea how much I drank (being positive by talking past tense)) and he would really mock me if I told him.

Am currently reading Alan Carr book though, which does seem to be making sense.

Oh BM I am so sorry if I have temporarily hijacked your thread. Will shut up now! But thank you so much for your encouragement!

Posting on here is what stopped me going to the shop!

BrassicMonkey, that's how AA has survived for so long...people are only offering the the same thing to newcomers that they needed and depended on themselves when they came through the doors at first. Everyone benefits from each other.

Hiitc, Well done for tonight! Just take it a day at a time and try to be good to yourself. Eat well and buy some B vitamins, I also think it's useful to occupy yourself with something (arts and crafts for example) at the times you associate with drinking.

Take care

Hey, Brassic, it is Wednesday!

Well, it is Wednesday here in Germany where I am reading this thread. I am going off to bed now but I wanted to wish you all the best for tomorrow.

I agree with BIWI. I don't understand why you wrote that you are not well spoken and educated. I obviously have not heard you speak, but your postings here are very well written and lovely to read. I have enjoyed reading you these past few weeks and watching you begin your recovery from this dreadful addiction.

I am so happy for you. Well done for contacting AA. Sleep tight!

Morning BM, how are you feeling? Just wanted to wish you well for the day. I hope it goes smoothly.

Hi Brassic

Good luck for today - hope it goes well. It was brilliant that you did contact AA and even more brilliant that you found someone sympathetic.

Btw I agree with ALL the comments about education - every single thing you have posted on here has been lucid and really well-written.

HIITC - I know what you just what you mean about hiding the problem - but I am not sure how well I was hiding it to be honest. Don't know if you've read it but there's a marvellous post earlier on from Kokeshi about CAGE which really did put it help me to put it into perspective. Admitting that I had a problem on here was the first time I had been able to say so as well. Btw I also (sadly) know just what you mean about putting on weight.

Hidesit ? you?re not hijacking. You?re very welcome to post about your drinking on here.

Thanks macmama and Kokeshi

Well, I didn?t stick to the plan last night. I?m not that cross with myself but not very pleased either. I couldn?t wait to start drinking yesterday and only held out to 5pm. 100mls went too quickly so I measured out the rest of the bottle - 50mls ? how weird that I had exactly what I needed for tonight as well. But, I drank it and then went to the off-licence for another bottle while EX-P & DS were out. I hid the bottle in a drawer, put some water in the empty bottle and put the measuring jug back in the cupboard. I was going to pretend that I hadn?t had my allowance yet, send the boys off to bed and then sit and drink the new bottle and decant a bit in the old bottle for tomorrow, so that no-one would know. I?m not even sure if that makes sense. I don?t really know why I went to the off-licence because I wouldn?t let myself think about it. Too scared that I?d talk myself out of it I suppose.

The guilt was overwhelming. I was paranoid when they came home that EX-P would know I?d had a drink already ? be able to smell it on my breath or recognise that I was a bit more relaxed or something. I was bloody sweating all evening wondering if he was going to go to the drawer I?d hidden the bottle in for a piece of paper and would find it.

He kept asking me when I was going to have my drinks and praising me for being able to wait so long ? it must have been about 10pm by this point. I cracked and told him that I?d already drunk it, including tomorrow?s and that I?d been to the off-licence to get more. I gave him the bottle and told him to get rid of it. He wasn?t very happy with me when he went to bed and we haven?t spoken yet this morning.

So, I?ve no more vodka left for this evening and I broke my promise about reducing by 50mls each night. Seeing as I?ve had today?s allowance I am going to be sober from today. I?m still going to get a take-away and a DVD in tonight but instead of celebrating my last day of drinking, I?ll celebrate my first day of not drinking.

I feel relieved that th cutting down stage is over. Maybe that's why I did it, I'm not sure, but I'm not going to have a go at myself all day. I wanted to tell the truth on here because it's not fair on anyone that's reading and all the people that have posted in support.

I'm going to phone ex-p now and say sorry.

Hi Quattro - cross posted, not ignoring you

Not posted before, but have been following this

ok you had a slight hiccup (no pun intended) but you were honest with ex-dp and honest on here. I think you are brilliant and I have complete confidence that you will win this.