Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

kok, interesting. I've never been to AA but I suppose it's just sensible advice.

I shouldn't be on the thread as I don't drink at the moment and don't like it very much anyway but boliver half a bottle of wine probably isn't too much. However how easy would it be for you not to have it one day? Is it pleasant to drink or an actual dire need which may be part of the test of whether it's more than you need. Could you take it or leave it and orange juice would be just as good or could you not really face an evening without half a bottle or a full bottle?

Blimey

blimey blimey

BM that is so fab

Hi BM,
Just wanted to say that I've been watching this thread and I think you're doing really great. I've no experience at all with this subject but think its amazing that someone can be so determined to change their life for the better like this. And achieve it.

dinosaur, don't leave the thread. I only saw half of what went on but.... oh I don't know, whatever. Blah blah!

We need to pull together regardless

I reckon it would be better not to discuss other threads on this thread, personally

it usually is the best way

This is the nicest and truest strand in Mumsnet.

I agree with Franny - best not to talk about other strands on here. I'm truly sorry to have brought it up.

Did so when I was really upset and of course drunk - in fact as a result of that I drank through the night - three bottles of wine later - horrid hungover dizzy sunday.

BUT I didn't drink at all yesterday and haven't had a drink today.

Please let's stay friendly on this strand. I want to support Brassic and all the posters.

Like Dino, I feel very uncomfortable posting on this thread now but wanted to wish you all the best for your continued success in weaning yourself off BM.

You have done remarkably well and beating this terrible addiction now seems to be wekk within your grasp! I hope you continue to get the support you need on this thread.

Good luck

Yes, BM, how's it going tonight? How are you spending your evenings at the moment? I always envisage you lurking somewhere in the shadows of this thread and appearing at 1am or so when everyone else has gone to bed! Am I right?!

(dogsbollox and dino this thread is about BM, not anything else, no other subject should have got in the way and was only mentioned briefly. BM would be devastated if anybody boycotted this important thread because of things that have nothing to do with her. So keep posting on here please?)

I think the support here from all the contributor's is really valuable. There's enough room for everyone

Oops, rogue apostrophe.

BrassicMonkey - just seen this thread pop up in active convos - so would like to say I'm really pleased that you are being so strong and seem to be doing so well.

I haven't looked at mn very much over the last couple of weeks, but I had wondered how you were getting on.

I'm going on holiday on Wed but will send you alcohol-free vibes!

BM - 150mls - that is so good - well done.

how are you feeling?

how are your days/nights going?

when do you ditch the jug? Wednesday?

I am so pleased everything is going so well, but post whatever happens and we will support you. you have shown amazing strength and will power.

Um, I can't say 'well done' again can I - so bye, sleep well!

Wow ? loads of posts. Thanks so much, and I?m really enjoying the discussion on multiple addictions, genetic predisposition etc.

Macmama ? My ex-p is more of a best mate to me now than anything else. He?s very laid-back and trusts me to deal with this sensibly. I?m very lucky that he?s supported me the way he has as he probably took the brunt of my drunkenness. That?s something that I really want to make up for when I can. I?m thinking of a Nintendo Wii (if I can ever get hold of one), bit lame but I know the little boy in him would be ever so grateful

IF ? Wednesday 23rd will be when I have my last 50ml allowance of vodka, so it?s abstinence from Thursday onwards. You?re right about the constant lurking btw .

Mercy ? your ?come on girl! Yay? post made me laugh. I?ll always imagine you to look like Ricki Lake now

Kokeshi ? I let ex-p play games on the computer all day (it?s his day off) and in return treated myself to sleep. I?ve no idea what the weather was like, but I hope I didn?t miss a day of sunshine.

Dinosaur and thedogsbollox ? please don?t feel uncomfortable about posting on this thread because of what?s happened elsewhere. I?ve really appreciated everyone?s support ? it?s meant the world actually. I understand how you feel though and respect that.

It?s brilliant that other people are coming out and admitting that they?ve got reason to worry about their alcohol consumption. Well, not brilliant, but I know I wouldn?t have got help 3 weeks ago if I hadn?t started this thread. I?m sure I would have done it sooner or later, but how bad would I have got it I?d carried on like this?

Tonight DS has really played me up and I?ve spent the evening willing it to be bedtime for him. The urge to drink the rest of the bottle is there but not strong enough for me to do it. Besides there?s only another 100mls or so left, so not enough for me to get drunk on. It?s an irritating feeling more than anything. A bit like giving up smoking, but different because when I?ve given up smoking before I?d give anything for just 1 cigarette, but I?m not kidding myself with alcohol. I know I want the whole bottle. Sorry, that sounds depressing and like I?m heading for a fall. I don?t think I am, but I may as well be honest about how I feel.

Thanks for reading another massively long post from me

Someone once said to me that positive drivers were best. So rather than having negative motivators (this is what bad looks like and I don't want to be bad) it was better to have positive motivators (this is what good looks like and I do want to be good). Okay it?s trite.

When I left home at 18 it was only to go away for 10 weeks. When I came back at Christmas, I could see that my father had got substantially worse. I opened my wardrobe door to unpack and it was packed to the top with empty bottles. He'd stacked bags of them on top of one another and forgotten I was coming back. There were just so many bottles that had accumulated in those 10 weeks. He died two years later through liver failure.

That is what bad looks like. Then I double up the ante. I don't want my children to have a picture of me in their heads as being what bad looks like.

Perhaps that wasn't a good thing to share. But it's sort of helping me.

You sound so well and balanced Brassic. Jug day on Wednesday ...

Great to hear how well you are doing. I have just skimmed over some of the previous posts and it is incredible to see how far you have come in quite a short period of time.

I do think that your ex-P deserves a big thankyou for sticking by you as a friend. But I guess the biggest gift you can give him and your DS is your sobriety.

Absolutely mac. He'd probably be a bit cross with me if I wasted money on a Nintendo Wii right now, seeing as his car is sitting on my drive needing a new clutch and I've nicked his computer until I can afford to get my own one repaired. Sobreity is more important than any of those things.

Quattro - That's a sad story about your dad's bottles. I agree about the positive drivers but I know it sounds overly simplistic. It's something to do with our brains accepting the ideas that we are exposing it to whether they are reality or not. I've probably not explained that very well but I know what you mean.

*sobriety

Hi Brassic, glad you're managing to get some rest, that's probably one of the best things you can do for your body right now. I can't believe it's almost Wednesday, have you given any thought to what you're going to do afterwards about seeking further support?

I'm sure your ex-p will be delighted at your progress - you have a good'un there! I didn't realise just how much an effect my drinking had on everyone else until I got sober and people could tell me honestly. It was (and still is) a recovery for the whole family. We are all so much closer now. Four years ago my dad would have walked past me in the street.

Quattro, so sorry about your Dad, it must have affected you deeply.

That is sad about your dad Kokeshi. I'm ashamed to admit that I've done something similar before with my sister. I've never ignored her but have been in a car with other people and drove past without saying 'that's my sister over there'. I've had such a lot of support and it's not been a humiliating experience. I know she has been humiliated though and from the sounds of it, it got worse in rehab. I've only heard it second hand but they do group exercises where the patients are encouraged to be negative about each other. She was really upset that she got a card with 'most irritating' wrote on it and was ripped to pieces about the way she laughs and how she appears to be a fake. I'm sure some people do benefit from being made to face up to what's making them unpopular if that is significant in why they are abusing drugs/alcohol, and I think my sister does need that, but I'm glad I've not had to go through it. As I said though, it's second hand information and might not be entirely true. I'm not sure why I've posted about that really.

Wednesday is coming around so quickly. I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since I started this thread - it's flown by and it's been less painful than it would have been if I'd done nothing and was still drinking at my old level. I never want to wake up and feel like shit again.

I've got to change a lot from Thursday onwards, when there will be no drink at all. There's a lot of positive things I'm looking forward to, like I've signed up for internet DVD rental so I'm going to catch up on all the series' that I've missed. I know what you mean though, proper support for when I want to drink but know that I can't. I'm considering going to a meeting but I'm a nervous person and it will take courage to walk in. I would rather face that than go to the offlicence though.

BTW - I've been reading your thread on discovering sounds again. It's really emotional but so positive. I'm really pleased for you. I haven't posted on their as it's my rule to only post on here under this name. I've really enjoyed reading it though.

Haven't posted on there

Hey BM, just popping off to bed now but saw you'd posted. That sounds truly awful what your sister had been put through at the rehab. Those seems like very petty things to be honest...most irritating laugh?! How is she supposed to do anything constructive about that!?

I actually do understand why my Dad felt they way he did. I was lost to him, he could do nothing and I was really abusive. I wouldn't have wanted to deal with me either! It crushed me at the time, especially when I called and he put the phone down on me when I'd gone into rehab myself. Also I have to acknowledge his own issues which the John Bradshaw stuff helped me to do. It was quite hard going but very liberating.

I found that once I scratched the surface, I had to dig deeper and seek other answers to be able to grow. As I've said, everyone's journeys are personal to them but I was lucky to meet very open minded people in AA.

If you are worried about going to a meeting alone (I'm not pressuring you btw!) If you call back and tell them you're a newcomer, they should get you a female who'll take you around for a bit. Stopping drinking is just the very first step in recovery, it's hard to maintain when life gets in the way and ongoing support is, I think, vital. Whatever form that should be.

Thanks for reading my thread. It's a very emotional time, a bit like discovering life without alcohol but less painful! I know how fortunate I am to be here and have had this operation. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Hope you get some sleep tonight, wishing you a peaceful day tomorrow.

kx