Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

K - you are a cool chick

does that make me sound old?

GN

I have sort of lurked tonight actually and have enjoyed the discussion without being brave enough to join in.

ALL - I know I need to give up completely. I can't say at the moment 'I am going to abstein from drinking' because it is too final, but I want to become a funtioning human being again and I haven't been one for a while. I need to wake up in the morning and not call myself names before I even ask myself what I did the night before that might have upset someone/everyone. That's been every morning since Christmas and was a regular thing before then.

I'd love to be a sociable drinker, wine with dinner, toast at a wedding, but I've always been rubbish at it and I have to take it further than everyone else. The most shameful part of reaching this stage is that I've actively gone for gold where consumption is concerned. I've pushed the boat out and stretched my tolerance deliberately. I don't know if that's because I knew I had a problem but needed to convince everyone else that I had one, or because I was so unhappy that I wanted to drown myself in vodka. I am finding it hard to commit to never drinking again, hence the aversion to AA, but I'm committed to getting better and I'm closer to accepting that that's the reality. I'm borrowing the mantras on this thread 'keep on keeping on' and 'minute by minute, hour by hour'.

I do appreciate your posts though and I like it that this thread is a place where people can discuss things.

Kokeshi - thanks for keeping on posting. I'd never expect to go to a meeting drunk - I'd feel like a pisstaker and I'd beat myself up for it afterwards if I was drunk enough to do it. The support I need is to be able to cry and let all of the guilt and shame out. This thread has helped me get to a point where I'm owning up, wanting to not be drunk, and taking responsibility. I know I need more than that to recover though. In my dreams someone will be on the other end of the phone and will let me cry and tell me it's going to be alright in the end, and will tell me that they drowned shame and guilt in booze as well. I need that and I don't know where I can get it from. I'm really hoping that you'll say AA can do that

When my DS was born we went through a bad time and it's something I never talk about now. Nothing to do with autism and it's in the past, but I was in a state and I had this lady who had gone through a similar thing call me regularly. She even called on Christmas Eve and New Years Eve and listened to me while I cried - fantastic woman. I suppose that's what I need again, that freedom to let it out and be myself without worrying that I'm causing offense and hurting other people. Someone listening because they've chosen too.

I wouldn't be on my way to sorting this out if it wasn't for this thread and Franny's help. I've had so much support and it's been great, but there's this massive fear that I'm going to let everyone down. I won't consumption wise, well at least I'm not feeling like it's going to happen, but I feel like I've taken enough and I need to stop feeling like I'm taking all the time. I am really afraid that people will stop posting and I will be left feeling deserted. That is not fair on anyone and it feels like I'm kicking everyone in the teeth. I sort of sampled that feeling the other night when I spoke about DS and it was a desperate feeling. I was the alkie that had been kicked out of the pub and was trying to get back in to explain himself, but was just pissing everyone off. I was just attacking people and I know I would do it again if I felt 'chucked out'.

That is too much for me to handle guilt wise, and not fair on all the people that have contributed to this thread. Noddy, sobernow, Mercy etc... I do mean everyone.

I do still want to post about my progress because it's fantastic for me to get the encouragement and I hope that other people with drink problems are reading and helping themselves/getting help before they are begging for help like I have.

I will read again from the beginning tomorrow. This is a drunk post and I have bloody done it again but I think it's an honest post and I'm not sure I'm ready to be so honest without the booze back up.

I really hope it has come out the way I wanted it to and I am still wanting the discussion here to carry on and for people to continue 'confessing' (crap word I know, but I'm sick of saying 'sharing').

I will keep on reading and posting but I need to find some face to face, voice to voice support as well while I'm doing this. Hopefully AA will be able to chat on the phone until I'm sober enough to decide if a meeting is what I need.

By Anotherlandlady on Tue 15-May-07 23:12:50
"No I don't understand life as a recovering alchoholic as I am still an active alcholic"

I am finding it hard to sleep again tonight and I keep coming back to that post.

TheLandLady I think that's a disturbing thing to know about yourself and not want to address. I don't think I have gone on that much about wanting to control consumption, more that I want to reduce it gradually. I have avoided talking about abstinence because it's so final.

I know how fragile I am and how I wake up in a panic about what I've said/done the night before and I don't want to make this one of those nights for you. I don't know what else to say about it really, but I don't get why you think it's alright. Maybe you're functioning really well as an alcoholic but aren't you wanting to stop purely for health reasons, if nothing else?

Brassic I am not at the computer today, and only have 2 mins now, but I wanted to say that I will look forward to reading your posts properly later and I want to wish you all the best for today

F&Z
x

Morning folks. I just want to clear up a bit of confusion here. I am definitely not Anotherlandlady. You are doing really well BM.x

Oh Brassic! what a very honest post. We won't desert you so long as you need us! I feel a very real empathy with you because, of course, I see myself in you - the place I was at a few years ago. And I visit this thread not just in the hope of being a small support for you, (and there are others who are doing a much better job of it) but also because it's the first time I;ve been among people so honest about their drinking. My family and friends have been very good about my drinking and the mess I was in, but I still feel ashamed among them when the subject comes up because none of them really understand what it was like - but the people in here do.

As for the shame of it all, I do struggle with that myself. I have a terrible, shameful memory that even my family don't know about.... I told them I resigned from my job, but in reality I was told at an evaluation meeting that 'it had been noted that my breath always smelt strongly of alcohol'. A suggestion was even made that I was sneaking out and drinking on the job... which was completely untrue, but of course to some extent it WAS true that I was still drunk in the mornings, as large amounts of alcohol take longer than a night's sleep to clear from the system. I resigned on the spot and flounced out in a huff... but you know, thinking of that memory is so very bad and shameful that even now if it comes into my head at bedtime I can't sleep. I know, too, I let my DD down very badly in my drinking years, but fortunately she seems to have recovered - she told me the other day she had an 'idyllic childhood' - oh, the good fortune that children are so resilient, so long as their overall memory is of being very dearly loved!

So, there you go. The shame is part of the package to some extent, but now I have been some years off drink I know it will eventually fade out and shrink back into a very small part of a longer and better life, and so it will for you.

With a big virtual hug and best warmest wishes for another day in which you feel you've done well and taken another step forward.

Brassic - I don't think its alright I think its a terrible shame that I have this tendency and wish I envy people that have a normal relaitionship with alchohol. I just live with it and have done for years without actaully going too far, as I do have to go to work and I do still like to put on make up and nail varnish and have expensive holidays, so I balance it.
Perhaps you could think about a part time job - I know I was worse when I didnt have to do anything other than feed a child all day.

My health is fine thanks. I have no desite to live to 100

Franny ? thank you. I?ve wrote you a great big email as well, so you?ve got loads of reading to do. Sorry

Oenophile ? I?m glad to see you?re still posting. Everyone?s support has picked me up on my bad days and the encouragement to keep on posting and to start each day afresh and the reassurance that I?m doing well, all of it is important and I don?t think I would have even begun to sort this out last week if people hadn?t have wanted to talk on here. I knew I had to do it at one point, but, as the man from AA said yesterday, the isolation is one of the worst things. I?m still feeling that but it?s not like it was.

Your work evaluation would probably have broken me. Poor you! It?s a big thing to keep to your self, but I know I?d find that so hard to admit as well. That sounds clumsy, like I?m saying ?ohhh, that?s really bad?, but I?ve done similar things and I don?t think it would help me to recover if I thought I had to tell people once I?m sober.

What a lovely thing for you daughter to say! I?d love to hear DS say something similar when he?s older. I spent a lot of time with him last night, reading books and chatting. My flat?s a tip but I shouldn?t think he cares much about it. I?m putting all my energy (not that I?ve got much) into just spending time with him. He?s spent so much time with his dad that I?m worried he will start to resent him for taking my place.

Last night was mostly sleepless and I?m exhausted mentally. DS is going to a family party after school and I?m going to try to go along too. I haven?t told him that as it?s not fair to promise things and then not go through with it, but I?m going back to bed now so I might make it.

ALL ? in the future I want to get back to work, but at the moment I don?t think I?d be employable. I?m not sure I still want to be around when I?m too ill to look after myself and need someone to do everything for me either, but that might happen at 40 if carried on down the road I was going (I?m 31 now), and God knows what mess my family would be in. Each to their own though and yours is a unique and interesting viewpoint on this thread. Glad you?re doing ok health wise as well, and that you?re enjoying your life

I realise I am in the minority here - re the disturbed sleep - do you think the caffeine affects you?

Not really. It's the guilt, shame and withdrawal that are stopping me sleeping at the moment. Although I am off to try and get a few hours in now.

Hey BM, you're doing really, really well. I have to say as well that you're also helping me, as well as many others that will be reading this thread having been touched by drink problems.

I haven't been able to attend meetings since last year as I lost my hearing very quickly. I've missed to face to face support, the isolation that comes with sudden deafness is a real issue for me too.

I for one will be here with you.

Easy does it.

Hi not usually one to make comments about others threads. However, I do understand to a point what AnotherLandLady is saying about being able to function and live relatively normally as a heavy drinker. I think the problem on here is that what she is saying is not deemed helpful to BM's recovery. On the other hand this thread is all about being open and honest (or perhaps it's not!) as to how we feel and live with our drinking. Just wanted to make the comment as I do respect the lady for her honesty about this.
XX

Thanks flowertop

I suppose I do live a relatively normal life - I have just had an offer accepted on a million pound house on a lake and I own another house in Cornwall, plus three pubs. The bank have just agreed to lend me the money to buy two more pubs. I have been married to the same man for 18 years.
So you see not all alcoholics are rock bottom failures.

I will dial out tho if I am not helpful to Brassic. Good luck

Keep up the good work, BM! I understand that booze makes monsters of us all. For me it was food, but the lies, the deceit, the desperation and the guilt are the same. I drink too much still, but recently it has dawned on me just how horrific it is to live with the legacy of domestic violence, not induced by alcohol, but certainly not improved by it. Many people in my family drink in order to dampen the terror of the way they feel. It is terrible, truly terrible.

BM, haven't read all of this but did you manage to get some medication? It's very hard to stop gradually, and I'd worry a lot if you were thinking about going cold turkey.

All, I bet you make a fair bit of money from still suffering alcoholics.

I sure do, the working class spend all their money on drink and fags and lottery tickets.

So really, it's not in your interest to encourage anyone to recover from their addiction. Nice.

Actually I dont want my customers to die of drink, I am very fond of many of them, and we are not allowed to sell alcohol to people that have had enough. I am a responsible retailer.

People drink at the pub for fun and company.

I'm sure, then they go home and beat their wives and kids.

kokeshi ~ that's a bit harsh. Not everyone that goes to a pub has a problem with alcohol!

Hope you're OK BM, take it easy today. Have to go and see to my own business.

Yes they may well do that

Or buy sex from slave prositutes

Or vandalise and rob the neighbours

And its all my fault........

Just kidding I know its not really.

The sad fact is that the majority of pub customers are single men of all ages that live alone for wahtever reason (too ugly, old and boring to get a mate).