Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Dimpled - not very good. Feel really depressed.

Brassic, I am just off out but wanted to say sorry things are bad. Do you know why you're feeling so low?

oh BM I am really sorry to hear that. Is it anything in particular or did you just wake up feeling low?

I couldn't sleep last night. Full of guilt and shame and I had so many thoughts going around my head. I just want to go back to bed today but I will move in a minute.

I am sorry you slept badly - guilt and shame are bad bed fellows. You must keep remembering that you are working to put all this behind you and I for one see the strength in your present not shame in your past.

You are self critical - I have noticed things you have said about posts you have made being awful etc. when they seem fine to me. The depression sounds awful. I hope you can get through today and have some more fun later with your ds (not Barney this time though!)

x

Lol - Dimples

I'm going to the school to collect him with ex-p this afternoon. He loves that as he gets to go home in the car and he gets both of us together. That's nothing to do with my drinking though, that's to do with me and ex-p splitting up. Then if the teacher wants to speak about his behaviour I will hear it too.

wow - that is great that you are going to the school - your ds will be so pleased I can imagine. It is so grat for him that you are getting things together as well as for yourself. I am very glad to hear how supportive your ex is being too. I hope the school pick up is supportive and taking a role in your son and his school life is a really good step too.

I know you are down today - the miserable weather doesn't help - but to me it seems like you are making loads of positives.

You have come a very long way.

Hey BM, it's all part of the process, I promise it won't be like this forever. I'm sure that all of us who've given away the drink can tell you one of the best things is waking up without dragging a pile of regrets behind you.

So, same for all of us, today is a fresh start. Concentrate on the day in front of you. Looks forward to picking up DS and making his day. Some practical things that were suggested to get me through the early days: you are really struggling take it hour by hour or minute by minute if necessary. Say to yourself. "OK, I won't drink for this hour ahead of me". Somehow it makes it more manageable to break it up into bite sized pieces if you like. I remember way at the beginning I couldn't bring myself to say I would never drink again, so I didn't project that far.

Also try to fill your time with mundane task like housework, going for a walk, shopping, will all distract you and give you a sense of achievement once you've done them. This might not sound like such a big deal but it really helps to stay out of your head.

Take care x

I'm not actually craving for a drink at all right now. I'm just scared that the guilt and shame will never go, even when I've stopped doing things to feel guilty and ashamed of. Last nights posts were about the damage that I've done already and I am trying now to sort it out. I haven't done anything bad, insulted anyone, fallen over or anything like that since I posted drunkenly at the beginning of this thread. I've gone down from drinking 70cl (average) to 50cl since Friday and each night it has got less rather than doing a big jump. I'm not actively hurting anyone now, although I know I'm still neglecting DS, ex-p and myself. I feel less physically capable with the reduction than I did when I was drinking the whole bottle. The headaches and shakes are bad until I have my first drink (but chocolate is helping), but it's the thoughts that are so much worse. I'm getting more sober and the feelings or shame, guilt and remorse are doing my head in. I just want to stay in bed and sleep or sit here reading, anything to make these feelings go away.

BM - the thoguhts you are having are not going to be there for ever, it is part of the process - the bit that has been deaden by alcohol up until now. Keep telling yourself it is temporary and it will pass - you are not going ot feel like this forever.

I know it is all very well for me to say that, so mcuh easier said than done - but things will get better not worse. ride this one out and a new day will dawn.

To be totally honest Brassic I still do feel guilt and shame and regret about things I did when I was drinking. I am quite a self-critical person at times as well and I have had my fair share of 4 am sleeplessness.

However as time passes it does get better. I know I have made mistakes and hurt people. I know I have fucked opportunities up for myself. I know I am not perfect. I know every human being makes mistakes and has things to be ashamed of. I know that doing the best you can at this moment in time and trying to change things for the better in the future is about all that anyone can do.

Absolutely Franny - a philosphy for life if ever there was one

Sounds really smug and crap on rereading but you know what I mean anyway

Dp's mum still has low periods, where she frets and doesn't sleep and can't forgive herself for the pain and neglect she put her kids though - but she gets through it because her kids love her so much, and truly appreciate that she made the effort for them and herself.

Dp describes it as watching someone reach up and pull themselves by the hair up out of the shit; no one else helping, just by pure will alone - and she did it.

It's true though Franny, nothing smug or crap about it. I think you are a fab mentor for Brassic and an inspiration for anyone reading.

Lol Franny ? I didn?t think it was smug or crap.

I phoned AA earlier today. I was desperate to hear another voice. I cried so much and let a lot of feelings out. It took ages for me to say any words and giving my name and address was a bit of a joke. It took about 10 attempts. I told the man on the other end about what I?m doing, how I?m reducing and how I?m feeling and he told me a bit about his life when he was drinking and kept reinforcing that it?s an illness.

A woman from my area will call me back, maybe tomorrow and he is going to send me some literature on AA. I?m really emotional now. I am so desperate to talk all the time and I really need to feel accepted again. I?m not sure if I will be able to use the local substance abuse help team and AA at the same time. If I can?t then I will stick with the substance abuse help team. I feel like I just need a hug (sorry, I?m not usually so needy).

I know I was unreasonable on here last night and I still haven?t read it back sober, which I normally do to punish myself. I?m really sorry that I?ve made people feel uncomfortable enough to leave the thread. My judgement is very poor when I?ve had a drink and lately I have lost so much confidence that even when I?m sober and I?m being ok I always think that I?m not ok, so I have no idea if I was out of order last night. I feel like starting every post, conversation or email with ?I?m sorry? because of what I might have done, as well as keeping on apologising for what I know I have done.

If I stop posting please don?t think I?ve lapsed and gone on a bender. The worry that I?m showing myself up on here (even though I?m anon) is making me nervous and anxious.

Thanks for all of your support though

well done for picking up the phone and asking for help - I understand how hard that can be.

Look, really I don't think you need to worry about the way you are coming across on here. Seriously. You try and turn your energies into worrying about yourself and getting that real life help that you need.

Most people on here have got incredibly thick skins and tbh, I can't see anything you've said that's out of line. If people are leaving the thread, it's probably because of their own issues (I don't mean that as an insult to them, I mean just that things are 'raw' for them or touching a nerve iyswim).

The guilt and shame sounds pretty much part and parcel of what you're going through at the moment. Just please try and look forward rather than backwards - you've already made progress, don't forget!

Absolutely second what franny said. And you know what? I feel grateful because I can experience true joy and happiness as I've been to the absolute depths. I do believe that despite all my fuck ups (and there are many) that this is the path I was supposed to take.

I'm really really really please that you've called AA. It's scary to be so vulnerable and needy but at the same time, you will see true compassion and empathy from people who know exactly what it's like. Nothing you will have said or done is unique. I'm going to post the promises of AA here, and you'll see what AA can (and will) do for you if you take that step.

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us

• sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

They will always materialize if we work for them."

We're here for you and you are accepted without condition.

hey BM most of us are still here - your posting is never worth being embarrassed about. Takes more than that to scare me away!

ok have drunk 3/4 bottle wine evry night for about 4 years.
Decided i wanted to stop as becoming dependant and while i know its no where near what some people can down i have recognised the slippery slope.
Haven`t had my wine for 48 hours and now got banging head and dizzy.
How long will this last as have a heck of a week ahead.
Any advice most welcome.

Wow that was brave Brassic

you know I keep meaning to say that Samaritans are also available to talk to whenever you feel the need - they don't have specific training for alcohol problems but will listen and support any emotional problems

I was also going to say that I think the people (person?) who have left have done so because it is too close to the bone for them. There's no need to apologise or feel ashamed of what you have written here.