Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

hi BM, I have been out this evening but am back now. As I said toi you earlier, I will let you take the lead as to when you want to speak on MSN. If I am online and you want a chat just nudge me. But I wont hassle you. You know my situation, just as well as I know yours. Our lives and the 'problems' in them are very different but we both struggle. So you have my full empathy. {{{hugs}}}}

If they do then that will probably be a good thing, although at the moment I don't want to face that.

If you bow out sn, as noddy has just done I won't try and badger you into staying. I did say in my very first post that 'the DC are suffering'.

I'm not saying it's alright or acceptable because I know it isn't.

Noddy - I thought you were frustrated. If I got that wrong then I'm sorry. I didn't say that you were intolerant - I was talking about me.

MN too slow for me tonigth and no one on msn so going to see what is on tv. So I'll say good night

Thinking of you BM. Hoping we can meet for a coffee and rl {{{}}} one day soon.

noddy - i think BM is finding any honesty constructful on this thread - I don't think she wants a lot of false cheering. she is under medical supervision and has a very supportive ex.

BM- I was sad when I read about you ds, but I thought how great that this is being dealt with so bravely. I think that you must be very strong to take yourself out of this horrible thing gripping you. I loved reading about you singing on to Barney (much as I hate Barney!) and how happy you made your son adn think of all the times like this to come and think about how it wouldn't have happened if you had been drinking and how you made a wonderful memory for him today about his lovely funny mummy.

I don't have the depth of understanding of some on here but I want you to know that your progress is both heartneing and admirable.

Keep posting.

Best wishes.

not 'constructful' 'constructive' - DOH!

Dino - we've never chatted on SN, but I've read a lot of your posts.

SN - I'm sorry, if that came out rant-fashion and it did seem like I'd directed it at you.

I feel like I'm fucked whatever I try to do. My son is the most important real thing in my life. I love him so much and to hear tonight how ex-p has hidden things from me hurt more than I can describe right now. I'm not going to pretend that my DS's ASD has made me abuse drink more, because I don't think it has (sorry, these are all rambling thoughts and not necessarily relevant to your post).

I felt a bit emotionally beat up by yours and Noddy's posts (unfair I know but I hope you'll forgive me as I'm a mess tonight). I could never understand why my dad could be such a bastard and I took it really personally. I only understand why now, because I'm doing it too. Knowing that is making me want to get help but also making me want to 'bury' it with booze.

I am still reducing. I know it's not instantly going to make things better, but neither is a week in detox.

I do appreciate all of your support. Noddy too, if you're still reading. I know I have no right to say 'don't have a go at me, it's not my fault', it makes me no better than the alkie in the gutter, as Kokeshi mentioned earlier. But I really want to say it.

Dimpled - thank you. Believe me, I hate Barney too.

BM, just keep going...you absolutely know what you need to do, just keep going with that withdrawal. For your ds, for you, whatever - it doesn't really matter right now who you're doing it for, just keep on keeping on. You'll get lots of time to deal with the feelings and thoughts and self-esteem later on, and you'll be amazed at how different life can feel. Just for today, its about stopping drinking - and you're on your path, keep at it!

Good luck tonight, xx

from when I was the age of your boy I should have said

lol FIS - that really would have been very bad.

I know he's suffering and there is no point in me coming on here and making light of that. Surely that would just put me further into denial and would actually be a smack in the face to all the people who have spoken so honestly about what they've been through.

I don't want or need anyone to say 'oh, that's alright, he'll be ok', because I still have my own thoughts when I wake up in the morning and I'm very aware that he's being affected by this. Speaking about it is uncomfortable, I know. But not speaking about it is disingenuous to everyone that has shared painful experiences.

As I'm reducing my consumption I'm becoming aware of things and I'm also becoming more capable of things. That doesn't mean that I don't still very easily, unwittingly make an arse of myself on here and express myself badly.

If it brings any comfort to anyone, my ex-p is staying here until I'm totally capable and is coming home from work to take DS to school unless I tell him that I can do it alone. DS is unhappy because he's used to me, not ex-p and he is aware that something is wrong. Please remember that he is autistic and doesn?t express himself in the same way that an NT 5 year old would.

I think the reduction plan is working. If I lapse, even once, I will seek other help.

Oh, and thanks elibean

night BM.

G'night dimples xx

BrassicMonkey, I have no advice for you but
I just wanted to send you lots of Big Hugs &
Kisses.

My Dad was a chronic alcoholic who ended up dying at the age of 36. He was stabbed in a pub, taken to hospital but the next day he ripped all his drips out & left the hospital as he was so desperate for a drink.

He was found 3 days later in his bedsit by his landlord unconcious, taken to hospital & was already in a coma. From December 23rd to December 29th he suffered 3 heart attacks & died. Cause of death Septicimia (sp?), blood poisoning.

Had he stayed in hospital after he'd been stabbed he would've lived, but the need for drink was so strong he had to leave.

You cannot find a way out of this cycle of alcohol abuse unless you talk to a profesional. I'm now 31, I was 19 when Daddy died & everyday he's in my thoughts &
I too have used many substances to block out my pain, but in the end it's still there in my head & the fact is whatever you are running from it's not going anywhere.

Good Luck and God Bless, hope you will stay posted xxxxxxxx

Adorabelle - that is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry that it happened to your dad.

I will keep posting.

Tonight I have admitted to the things that have made me most ashamed. Only tomorrow will I be able to read through again and decide whether I was right/wrong to do that. When I'm drunk I'm always right and when I'm sober I'm always wrong, but it is probably the other way around.

To anyone I've upset tonight - I'm sorry. I feel like I've fucked up and I don't know whether I appear to need your support desperately or that I'm sending you all packing.

I've had 500mls of vodka tonight - still reducing. I'm going to bed now and I intend to get up tomorrow morning and get DS ready for school without ex-p's support.

You've done fantastically well BM, another day down. I hope you manage a sleep and please don't worry about what you have written, it's your own personal experience and it's not up for debate.

Much love, kx

BrassicMonkey, thank you very much for your
kind words.

I send you much love cos I know when you are
in deep dark place there really does seem no way out of it.

My email is [email protected]
and I would really like you to mail me as i know only too well the demeons drink can bring into your life, & I don't mean secondhand from what my Dad brought into my life I know from having those demons myself.

God Bless and stay strong xx

Morning Brassic

very pleased to hear you have got through another day and that you are making plans to be more involved with your ds each day

I admire your honest posts, not an easy thing to be unpfront about

HI BM

How is your morning going?

Thanks Franny