Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

BM just a tiny note to add my support. I have read a lot of this thread. Take care xx

God, tonight has not been easy at all.

My ex-p is breaking his neck to try and keep everything going and he is effectively being both mum and dad to DS, whilst doing a full time job, coming home from work to take DS to school (he's a postman so it's not convenient at all), and trying to keep my home clean and workable whilst doing the same at his own flat.

I feel like shit tonight.

I have just heard DS screaming and I went into his bedroom and ex-p is holding him and almost crying himself. I got DS a bottle of milk and I spoke to ex-p about what was happening. He admitted that DS's teachers have spoke to him recently about DS's behaviour at school. He's been wetting himself (he's 5) and although it's been confined to just at home mostly it's started happening at school recently too. DS has a DX of ASD so his behaviour is a bit erratic and he has oddities but this is new. I feel like a piece of shit and I don't know whether to cry or drink or get sober or go to bed or scream with anger at myself right now.

I'm over the limit where I can post responsibly so I hope this doesn't hurt anyone. I badly need to talk tonight and I really need to know this will get better. I know exactly why I drink right now. I don't want to get sober or get on with things. I like living in this fuzzy mess because I don't have to think about what I've done already. I know the irony is that I'm doing more damage with every day I carry on with this. The temptation to hit the bottle hard is there tonight, but I won't do it.

BM ~ I have sent you a few messages but not heard back. Please talk to me really soon. XXX

Frascati - perhaps there is something wrong with my msn account. I'm appearing offline on msn because I don't want anyone to feel they have to talk to me, and some of my contacts (not MNr's) are (unknowingly) encouraging me to keep drinking. Some emails are getting through, but I've had nothing from you at all. I'd never ignore you and I really appreciate that you've let me pour all this out without humiliating me. I know we've never met but we sort of know of each other in real life and it just makes me feel so exposed. I don't know if that makes any sense to you or will make any sense to me sober. I am really suffering at the moment. The urge to gulp it down quick is so real but I really don't want to. This is like a fucking nightmare.

Keep talking on here BM, if it slows you down and help you to rationalise this by speaking to others then it's a good thing. You are not a piece of shit. Alcohol is robbing you of everything you hold dear and that's what you need to focus on. If anything blame that, not yourself.

BM

Sorry ou have had a shit time but you have done so well up until now, don't undo all this work you have done.

All these things that have come up are the things you are working to change by this brave change in your behaviour - if you don't let the changes happen and things slide back it will all be for nothing.

Please stay online or go to bed or anything but please don't drink.

Sorry don't know what to say but want you to know I am thinking about you.

I am really trying Kokeshi. I am so ashamed and the need to give myself a break from those feelings is adding to wanting a drink.

I don't know if I'm excusing myself or I'm just thoroughly addicted. I don't know anything anymore. I'm trying so hard to work out why and the closer I get to working it out the more I want to drink. I know my DS really needs me to be a proper mum and I'm shit at it, sober or drunk.

Losty, btw I'm not ignoring you on msn. I'm not able to say anything useful at the moment and that's not personal to you. Frascati will confirm that I haven't been on her msn list for ages either. Chatting on msn makes me fancy a drink. I get drunk and admit to things that I wish I hadn't, or sometimes (embarrassingly) I lie about things because I don't think I'm an interesting enough contact. Please don't take it personally.

Dimpled - your posts have been consistently nice throughout this thread. Thank you for keeping up with it and coming in to ask how I'm doing.

I won't go over my limit tonight. I just wanted to post about why I want to drink and sometimes I only know that when I'm really craving. That is happening right now and it's really helpful for me to 'journal' it here.

Thank you for keeping on looking in and for being so positive. I really need that.

BrassicMonkey: You will get through this. Remember: your ex-P must think you're worth supporting as a mum, otherwise why would he be there helping you now?!

You are doing exactly the right thing - and please feel free to keep posting about anything at all if it's going to help.

Brassic do hold tight

you can do this

I have sobered up a bit now and I have just eaten dinner in DS's bedroom, singing along to Barney . He seemed to like that and I feel better that I've done something today to show that I care and to make him smile.

Sorry about the last few messages. I really hate it when I post something upsetting and although I want to be honest about everything I still worry that I'm being despised or that I'm angering people.

Your ex-p sounds like he's doing great but this will be a strain for him and for your ds. Which is why what you're doing is so good: being honest and open, facing your problem, trying to sort it out. Be as brave as you can, try to see a life where this isn't dominating everything and work towards that.

We're all here if you need us. You don't need to be 'interesting', you already are.

x-posts BM. Well done. Hold onto that feeling that you did the right thing for your ds.

Nobody is judging you here. I think the alcohol is making you very paranoid because I can honestly tell you that you're saying nothing at all that would make you despised.

I am very paranoid IF. I think I've always been that way but when I'm sober I will try so hard to be inoffensive that I probably come across as an arse-licker. If someone is taking the piss I will always think that I deserved it and beat myself up about something I might have said - even when I've got no reason to think that I've done anything wrong.

Don't get me wrong, I can be very rude when I'm drunk, but the amount of guilt that I have when I sober up is probably disproportionate. I feel full of guilt and remorse by nature now. I don't even have to think about what I might have done, I just feel bad by default.

Yes but BM that's one of the reasons why you drink! When you spend your life being so in control so that you don't offend anyone you kind of internally combust. Alcohol allows you to just get out all the feelings that you normally keep held in. It's a big release mechanism.

Before my drinking phase I was very held in, I barely ever cried. in fact the therapist I saw said he couldn't believe how 'controlled' my voice was and that even though I was talking about highly traumatic events from my past I never once cried. The drink loosened me up. I learnt how to cry again. But I went too far of course.

I am going to have to stick my neck out here after hearing about your son.You need to stop drinking altogether This gradual reduction is no good for you You seem to know yourself really well and are articulate and intelligent so you can do this.Please think of him.We are all here for you but I think you need more immediate aggressive help as it is not just you who is affected by this.Listen to kokeshi she talks a lot of sense I am sorry to be so harsh but i ahev to be honest and this is a subject close to me

I think Brassic is doing the best she can at the moment, and I think we need to respect her choice to deal with this in the way that she thinks gives her the best chance of succeeding.

ok I'm going to bow out because I do react differently when children are involved and I am not able to be as impartial Sorry

One of the things drinkers have in common is "people pleasing".

Here's a reflection:

"Approval-seeking behavior carried us further into our addiction... "--Basic Text p. 14

When others approve of what we do or say, we feel good; when they disapprove, we feel bad. Their opinions of us, and how those opinions make us feel, can have positive value. By making us feel good about steering a straight course, they encourage us to continue doing so. "People-pleasing" is something else entirely. We "people-please" when we do things, right or wrong, solely to gain another person's approval.

Low self-esteem can make us think we need someone else's approval to feel okay about ourselves. We do whatever we think it will take to make them tell us we're okay We feel good for awhile. Then we start hurting.

In trying to please another person, we've diminished ourselves and our values. We realize that the approval of others will not fill the emptiness inside us.

The inner satisfaction we seek can be found in doing the right things for the right reasons. We break the people-pleasing cycle when we stop acting merely to gain others' approval and start acting on our Higher Power's will for us. When we do, we may be pleasantly surprised to find that the people who really count in our lives will approve all the more of our behavior. Most importantly, though, we will approve of ourselves.

Noddy I respect that and I hope what I said didn't offend you

I just think the most important thing is that Brassic stops drinking on her terms, in a way that she can manage

she is having professional help with this and I am sure they would have intervened / will intervene if they feel her son is at risk at this particular time

You didn't offend me at all.

Kokeshi - that will be a post that I will come back to tomorrow as it's too complicated for me to absort tonight, although 'people-pleasing' is something that my sister spoke a lot about in her letters when she was in detox.

Noddy - I recognise your frustration towards drinkers and I'm not capable of responding properly at the moment. Please don't think that I don't care enough about DS to get the right help, right now. I'm trying to do it the best way possible, but I can't just stop drinking now and become a sober, functioning person instantly. I'm really trying and it might not be your way or anyone else's way, but I am reducing and I want to be given a chance to do it my way. I'm the daughter of an alcoholic father and I know how shit it is. I was also incredibly intolerant of alcoholism up until very recently - actually, I am still intolerant of alcoholim which is why I'm desperate to keep this as private as possible. If I lapse I will be brave enough to go to AA, do a medical detox or whatever it takes. The knowledge that I'm hurting my DS is 50% responsible for me wanting to change and 50% responsible for wanting to carry on getting bolloxed every night.

Please carry on posting if you want to. I'm trying to use this thread as an outlet and to be honest on. I can't do that if I'm trying to appear acceptable to everyone.

It's definitely an emotional subject for a lot of people. We can only do our best I think. TAke care noddy and please keep posting BM.

It will be fantastic to have a journal for yourself when you reach the end of this, to see your progress. It's a steep learning curve for sure but it gets easier. Everything you have admitted to here is one less thing being stashed away and festering in your head. Get it all out!

before I go can I just say I am not frustrated or intolerant of alcoholics in any way.Good luck in your recovery

Never thought you were noddy, quite the opposite in fact