Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

Kokeshi - I hope me repeating the counsellors interpretation of 'being powerless to control alcohol' hasn't pissed anyone off. I know it was a misrepresentation because it wouldn't help anyone if it was that simple. Surely it would be a meeting of drunk people standing up and saying 'I am an alcoholic and I'm drunk and I'm powerless so I'm continuing. It's not my fault'.

Would AA support me during a gradual withdrawal? I always thought that you had to be dry to go there, but admittedly I don't know anyone who has gone to a meeting.

Losty, please join in if you want to.

I'll have to come back later - kids need me!

AA welcome everyone.You don't hand over control to them its more like they support you in your stopping.It really is for people who want to stop completely though.I think someone said earlier that they drink 3 evenings a week which is fine for health etc but no use to an alcoholic because I'm sure on those 3 nights an alcoholic would get smashed and it would bleed into the other 4 days.This thread has made me realise how well my dp has done to tackle this I don't give him enough credit sometimes but I am going to tell him tonight how proud i am Thanks x

Noddy

ok BM, but I dont thnk my 'experiences' will add any value to the thread tbh. You know this all anyway, but for those that dont and if anyone is interested, I drink too much too. I do it to block out feelings and memories. Recently on more than one occasion I have tried to drink myself to death. So I am now under the care of teh Community mental health team with a complicated diagnosis that no one wants to help me deal with. I have an eating disorder and also self harm. Shall I go on? Told you it would add nothing to the thread! I shall bow out gracefully now x

BM I didn't do gradual withdrawal OR AA but I don't think I could have succeeded on the very gradual withdrawal process you're trying, it would be way too easy to slide back to drinking more, my willpower wasn't strong enough. I probably might have gone for AA although I'm really shy and the thought of speaking openly about this would have probably made me want a drink!! In the end I did it in a totally medically unsafe way and spent 3 days of sheer hell, shaking, itching all over, nose bleeds, vomiting, etc. etc. Then I woke up on the 4th day and knew I was over the worst.

I did have the huge incentive of a little dd growing in my womb though ... I always longed for a child and i just couldn't risk the pregnancy.

Ooenophile, how strange - did you drink for roughly the same amoutn of time as me too? Are you, in fact, me?!

Losty, if it helps to talk about any of it on here, then please keep posting. I don?t care if we?re talking about alcoholism or compulsive behaviour or anything really. You know I?m not the most sensitive person ? although, I do try ? and I hope I haven?t made things worse by encouraging you to post.

IF ? that must have been really frightening to conceive and know that you?ve got to sort it out immediately. Fair enough, that gradual withdrawal wasn?t for you, but it must have been terrifying to know that you had to deal with it immediately.

Well done for getting on with it like that. Your DD is really lovely and reminds me so much of my niece.

BM, Not I wouldn't imagine you've pissed anyone off at all! Just conflicting ideas really, as I said earlier on, it's really a very individual thing. Some people can and do take powerlessness as an excuse to keep on drinking, for many (including me) I needed to know this and stop fighting it. By the way, you won't see the former in meetings, they'll be the ones in the pub or in the gutter saying "poor me, I'm an alkie".

OK, truthfully, it's preferred if you go along to meetings without drinking. The idea behind this is that you are really not your true self under the influence, and you must be willing to drop your armour before you go in the door. It is scary, but very very emotional and it will blow you away when you realise the real love and affection that exists in those rooms. Especially for the newcomers. They are the most important people there, they remind you of why you keep coming and that this is a daily thing for everyone.

As I said, honesty is the key and being drunk just suppresses your true feelings, so won't really make much sense to you.

losty, what about AA yourself? You'll find that you're not actually that unique if you start talking to another AA member. Keep posting x

BM, it was terrifying! All those years I'd been told I couldn't conceive and I'd felt so depressed about it. Then there I was unexpectedly, miraculously pregnant, and a bloody drunk! It was good though, it forced me to stop. As i said i don't know how i'd have done it otherwise.

Dd is a totally gorgeous, fun, amazing little thing. She keeps me going.

Hey BM... We could be a bit of an AA for you on here, no?

Hi haven't posted on here yet just been lurking and reading every post. Really good to read your inspiring posts Kokeshi. BM you are a brave lady to do what you are doing; it's great to see so many people supporting you through this. I am poster from the 'dependant drinkers' thread. I know I have an unhealthy relationship with drink and although drink between 1/2 to 1 bottle of wine a night not sure that the quantity really means anything in terms of whether you are a 'problem' drinker. Physically I really feel the need for a drink every day. The longest I have been without a drink is 7 nights (in the past 6 years) which was actually this year whilst posting on the thread. Anyway just thought I would say hi and wishing you well.

On another note Kokeshi have you heard how Cubby is doing?
XX

Fio, I have missed you m'dear!

Are you positively blooming?

Absolutely spot on imaginaryfriend. This is what an AA meeting is!

I've just recently found out how far reaching AA's programme of recovery is. It can be applied to all of these "maladaptive coping mechanisms" (food, drugs, sex, co-dependence etc). There are fellowships worldwide that are using the AA 12 step programme and substituting "alcohol" with whatever the issue is.

Imaginaryfriend, I also just wanted to clarify that when I spoke of Al-anon and adult children of alcoholics, it doesn't mean you are an alcoholic yourself, just that you have been affected adversely by someone else's drinking or dysfunction. The 12 step programme deals with emotions.

God, I hope I don't sound like some kind of 12 step evangelist! I'm actually fairly laid back about all of this.

Aye fantastic Fio! I am getting a bit broody myself at the moment, I'm trying to avoid all these pregnancy threads!

Hi Flowertop, great to see you here. I had a go at rekindling the other thread yesterday. Why don't you jump in here too? Fantastic empathy. I haven't heard from cubby for a long time, I hope she finds us. x

kokeshi - alcohol is only one symptom of a mch bigger problem for me. once those probs are being tackled the others should fall in to place. i have a referal to the local drink and drugs unit waiting, but the mental health one is more pressing atm. mentally I am not ready to deal with anything moe atm.

Yes losty, I agree totally, one thing at a time. I've been told: deal with your addictions in the order that they kill you. Drink was my priority. Everything will still be here (including us) when you are ready to take that step.

Hope you get some needed support, if you want to talk about it on here please do.

Also losty, I think once you have sorted out this "bigger" thing you will be able to tell for sure if drink is a symptom or a separate issue.

I found that I was really depressed, and wasn't sure if I was drinking because of that or I was depressed because I was drinking. Doesn't really matter in the end for me, I am an alcoholic regardless!

me too!

There are so many posts I want to respond to - will have to do it bit by bit, I think!

In the meantime I'm about to renew my CAT subscription as I'm always threatening to speak to you Losty (am rubbish at MSN - could you teach me?!)

Am happy to speak to anyone via CAT tbh - with the possible exception of that tarty Fio

oo mercy do I need to be scared? I dont have CAT btw. Something I have never sorted out