Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

I meant to say, thelady, that yours is a fantastic response because it was (and still is) beyond my comprehension. It finally clicked for me when I realised I was never going to be able to drink with safety.

Bang on about "feeling comfortable in your own skin". All of us strive to achieve that.

kokeshi, nearly 3 years of CBT didn't do it for me. I wasn't 'anorexic', I have a different problem with food, very hard to describe. I know I'm a skinny wreck, no body illusions!

Bloody hell, that?s a terrifying amount when you?d only been doing it for 6 months. It must prove that there is a physical as well as emotional likelihood of becoming alcoholic (sorry, not saying you are an alcoholic, but I imagine you would have been if you didn?t sort that out right away).

I?ve just read about your DD?s conception on your profile. You must have been terrified . I hope you?re alright after telling us about it.

Kokeshi ? I was also told to keep up sugar intake while I?m reducing. The counsellor said that natural sugars from fruits were just as good, but I?m not too bothered about weight at the moment so I?m eating a lot of chocolate. Boiled sweets would probably be better though as they take longer to eat.

I?ve saved your article. I?m enjoying reading at the moment as I?m so lonely, especially at night. Do you think there is a genetic element that makes someone more likely to become addicted to something? So the child of an alcoholic could be more likely to have an addictive personality and over-indulge in cannabis, eat compulsively or, on a more positive track, throw themselves into something which takes all their time and energy, like a professional sport, or do you think the genetic element relates specifically to alcoholism. I think IF?s experience proves that some people are physically capable of drinking more than others, disregarding body size and gender. I wouldn?t have been able to increase my tolerance that much in 6 months. It?s been 2 years since I knew I had a problem and I know I always drank as much as I could and would only stop when I had to. I couldn?t physically have drunk that much though, and from reading IF?s posts I?m guessing I?m physically bigger than her.

Sorry, that?s very rambled but it?s interesting and not something that I?ve thought about before. I was totally intolerant of alcoholism even at the beginning of this year.

I admire your immense courage to be this honest, BM.

Well I wouldn't have thought I could drink that much too. That's why I was asking you about when you drink. I used to have my first swig of brandy from the bottle, neat, as soon as I got out of bed. I'd then drink steadily all day and would never feel drunk or even particularly seem it (according to people I knew). However that last few weeks (and my memory is so hazy, maybe I only drank that much for a week, two weeks, it's so hard to remember anything from then - life for me pre-dd and after dd are two different lives altogether) when the amount had shot up so much I began to have problems, blacking out, seeing strange visual hallucinations in the middle of the night, vomiting and retching all the time. I couldn't have maintained it. It's a blur now. I also had dreadful nosebleeds.

Oh gawd fox, sorry you're hearing my sordid little moment in my history ... You've been such a help to me recently on another subject.

Thelady ? hijack away. It?s more comfortable for me if we?re all discussing our attitudes towards drink rather than me just banging on about what I?m doing.

Quattro ? facing up to not being able to control when and how much I drink is why I went for help. I?m so sick of myself. I?ve been making rules for months about when I could drink, but it came down to surrendering to the truth ? I haven?t been in control of this for a long time and the rules don?t stop me going to the off-licence.

Regulating my drinking over the past few days has been difficult. Last night I could have stopped earlier but I didn?t because I knew if I did I would binge tonight. I?m desperately trying to regain control and going beyond my allowance tonight (even if I don?t go beyond my combined allowance in total) would just be another kick in the teeth and proof that I can?t control anything anymore.

IF ? I know it?s really hard to remember about drinking habits. Obviously because you?re always hazy but also because you don?t want to ? well, that?s definitely true for me anyway.

crikey, if, I don't mind hearing it at all. I'm sorry you've had to go through it if I'm honest. Reading your story, I can see how something like that could develop so quickly. You did bloody well to sort it out.

Bm, I really identify with the loneliness aspect, that's what meeting helped me with in the beginning. I don't keep meaning to bang on about AA but I can't tell you how much that support means. Another of the motivating factors of drinking was to quell that fear of being alone with my own head.

I would say that addictive personality is spot on. The scientists say there are many genetic considerations so is will be unlikely that a single "alcoholism" gene will ever be identified. It works for me though to think that I'm just as likely to be addicted to say, nicotine or gambling (I'm not thankfully) as I am to drink. Spare me the trouble of losing myself to that too. But I have to be vigilant because I think we can be addicted to anything; shopping, drinking smoking, eating, exercise, stealing, sex, drugs. The list is endless. Really the only way to avoid it is by working toward a manner of living in which we are completely honest about our feelings. In most fellowships, they follow a 12 step program, which is basically a design for life. Taking stock of where you are every day and making sure the unhealthy thinking that would lead to self-medicating is kept in check.

I'm trying not to through too much into the mix here because it may sound daunting. There are millions of people - otherwise hopeless cases - who have gone onto happy and successful lives by using a 12 step program of recovery.

imaginaryfriend, I'm sorry that CBT didn't work out for you. Have you managed to identify the root of it yourself? Do you think any of those fellowships might be able to help you (Al-anon, adult children of alcoholics?).

Haha Fio, I'm actually a right pain in the arse. Ask my partner (she might get a bit jealous lol)

Mwah mwah

hi kokeshi, thought I had become invisible. I am not great tbh, but thanks for asking. How are things with you? x

Lol Fio

My ex-p?s family are like that of your DH. They just don?t drink at all. My ex-p only started drinking because I liked a drink, but it?s still only a couple of beers with football or a toast at a wedding. Before he was with me though, he would have had a lemonade instead. I wouldn?t say it puzzles me but I do think his dad isn?t ?much of a man? for not drinking. My problem totally and I know it?s wrong.

Kokeshi ? going to AA feels like handing control over to someone else. I am so possessive of the vodka bottle. I don?t usually drink during the day ? I usually start between 3pm and 6pm depending on how long I can hold on for. It?s always by my feet though. I?ve literally sat here surrounded by empty cans of diet coke, un-opened mail and chocolate wrappers, reading mumsnet and chatting on msn since Christmas. Even if I?m not drinking, the bottle is on the floor by my feet. I?m terrified of giving control to someone else who might want me to do a medical detox tomorrow and I will have to give it up straight away.

I think it is genetic in some form although i know its never been proven.My family are all addicted to something.My mum shops compulsively her father was a alcoholic my sister has food issues and my brother is a recovering heroin addict.My dp's family all have serious alcohol problems He is the only one who has recognised and dealt with it -thank god.I think I only never went that way as I had so many health issues I physically couldn't.I worry about ds as he is a bit obsessive about things but we have alwayas been honest with him about the whole issue and he is 13 now and really 'gets'it which is both amazing and sad.
I don't want to bang on about AA either but my dp stopped drinking around the same time my brother gave up heroin.Dp went to aa but my brother mocked na and never went which has resulted in him giving up the drug but continuing the same behaviour.He has no life which is sad and I see no progress in him even after all these years

Hi losty, wasn't sure if you were talking to me further down the thread, sorry if you thought you were being ignored. Jump right in and post about how things are with you. We're all here for each other and BrassicMonkey said she was happy for others to use the thread too. xxx

kokeshi I actually don't have a drink problem now. Not kidding myself, I just don't. I've been ok really since that nightmare 6 months over 5 years ago. I am now back to how I was before it, I don't like alcohol, I don't keep it around. Dp barely drinks at all so it's not hard. But I can drink an odd 4% beer if i fancy it without it being a problem. And I'm such a light-weight it's hard to think back to my spirit-drinking days. Some mates took me for a birthday drink last week and I had a pint and a half of beer and felt sick and whoozy! I didn't like that feeling. I used to crave it.

BUT - even though I'm fairly confident I'm ok for now, i won't take a single risk with it.

ImaginaryFriend, reading your story was a bit like reading mine - right down to the vomiting/retching, hallucinations in the night. I used to see auras around the doorframes when I staggered out to the loo... weird. Also got great bruises all over my body which I guess is akin to your nosebleeds (at least no-one will feel alcohol is a fun addiction after reading all this, lol).

A brandy addiction is pretty expensive, isn't it. I dread to think how much money I got through. And I live in a small village with one shop... I still go in there daily and wonder if they're remembering how I used to go in, unwashed and unkempt, and ask for a litre of cheap stuff. At the time I was blissfully sure I was hiding my drinking... but at least one person has told me I always reeked of alcohol at the time and said some pretty strange and unconnected things. That's scary.

Good luck for today Brassic. Thinking of you and willing strength and peace of mind your way.

I don't know anybody in RL who has a drink problem tbh (friends or family. Well, afaik, that is.

Certainly my parents very rarely drank - a bottle of something at Christmas or on their birthdays, the odd social occasion. It came as a bit of a shock to me when I was a student and saw how often and how much people would drink. Didn't take me too long to 'learn' to drink in order to fit in. But lack of money meant I could only drink once or twice a week (even with a subsidised student bar; you could buy a pint of Fosters for less than half the price in a pub).

It all went gradually downhill for me in my mid/late 20s tbh.

I know this might sound perverse but I love this thread.

no I wasnt kokeshi dont worry! I dont think I shoudl talk about me on this thread tho - this is for BM. {{{BM}}}

Just saw your latest IF and more similarities... it was 5 years ago for me too, and I also now have no drink problem. There is always drink in the house (for the other members of the family) and I don't even notice it's there. I have a drink (one small glass of wine) at Xmas and I don't like the way it makes me feel. It certainly doesn't make me want more - quite the opposite.

I don't know what you know of AA, but mostly what you see on the TV is a pile of crap. Cheesy American guff. I have never once stood up at a meeting and actually it's all about taking action yourself. No-one will take your vodka away from you if you don't want to. That's the key: the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.

You may get a sober member of AA taking you around meetings but the decision to relinquish control must be yours and yours alone. Alcoholics themselves know it is futile to try to fix you. It's not like you are admitting yourself to a clinic actually, there are no ultimatums. People will tell you the brutal truth, and yes that can be disconcerting, but only because they know - more than you do yourself - what the reality is. To be honest sobriety is something you have to want, no-one can give it to you or force it on you. All the sober members of AA are just trying to do the same thing themselves, so you'll only be shown by example never by force.

I hope that explains it a bit for you. We're all the same in AA. No leaders, professionals and no hierarchy, That's why it's lasted for such a long time.

Losty, you're wrong. I really do want people to join in and share their experiences, whether it's their experience or that of a loved one. I really need this thread to keep going and lets be honest, me banging on about my nightly vodka allowance isn't going to keep anyone coming back. Additionally, the shared expreiences are helping me to feel accepted - which I expect was a bigger force than anything genetic or learned.