Is anyone out there a heavy drinker/active alcoholic/recovering alcoholic?

[BrassicMonkey]

Ok, so I've name changed and it's taken balls to post this.

I think I might be an alcoholic or at least drifting into that domain.

I know my posting style is pretty easy to spot, at least by those that I chat to on MSN, but I don't want to be outed on here and I don't want to chat about it on MSN either.

OK, so now I've said that (quite bluntly possibly, sorry )...

I'm finding it increasingly more difficult to stay off the booze. It was bad enough last year, but I started this year with plans, and they've all been pissed away. I'm drunk/hungover more often than not. I'm suffering, the DC are suffering.

I want to stop. I don't like the idea of getting help but I'll do it if I have to.

Last time I had a drink was saturday. I'd promised myself that I'd have at least a 2 week break - tonight, I'm back on it again.

I want to have a go at stopping on my own before I go to AA or to my GP. Do I cut down gradually or just stop?

I'm probably going to be away for about an hour but any replies will be appreciated.

I come from a family of alcoholics and what scares me the most is that I'll never be able to have a sociable drink again without taking it to ridiculous levels. I'm scared of what's happening to my life and to my health but I'm more scared of being a miserable old cow that can't relax because I can't have a drink.

As I said, any responses would perk me up tonight.

TIA

{{{{BM}}}}

IF ? I wouldn?t say I am particularly sensitive tbh. My dad and sister certainly aren?t either. We all live in denial to different degrees though . I can remember all of us sitting watching the tv together, my mum might have a big tissue mopping up blood from her nose, or a black eye. My sister never seemed to give a shit about it but I would be shaking with fear that he was going to start again. Sometimes he would go to the living room door and slam it over and over again and I would shake violently. I was so afraid of him. He was so in denial though. If something would come on the tv about domestic violence he would say things like ?I can?t watch this. What sort of bastard would do that to his family. I?d like to put my boot through the telly?. I don?t believe he was that drunk that he didn?t know that he was exactly the sort of man that was on the tv.

I think my attitude towards drink has always been wrong, but it?s hard to pinpoint when it was obvious that I really had a problem with it. At least 2 years ago for sure, but I wasn?t drinking this much then. I?ve never drunk regular amounts and I?m finding it hard at the moment to do that. Last year I could still control it a bit and I wasn?t having to get to black out level, or finish the bottle. This year, apart from my 10 days off, I haven?t been in control at all. I just think about it all the time and I?ve been deliberately pushing my tolerance level up.

Please don?t feel that you can?t contribute about your own drink problem. The best thing about this thread is that everyone has shared, but I don?t want it to be just about me. Somebody from MN CATTED me last night to say they were having similar problems. I?ve no idea who they normally are on here, but I?d like it if they could use this thread in the same way as I am. MN is such a big place and there must be other people lurking who need help too. The isolation and shame have been unbearable up until I started this thread. That?s probably why I started talking to people?s photos ? it was my social life.

Thanks Anorak ? when I?m struggling I do come on here and just read and all of your experiences and acceptance of me are helping me through this.

Last night I drank 550mls. More than I intended but it?s going in the right direction. The headache is mild today but the shakes were bad this morning. I?ve had some chocolate and that is helping to keep my hands steady.

Hi BM - I am around for 15 mins....

BM, hope you don't mind me discussing this with kokeshi on your thread?

Kokeshi, I don't have lasting issues now, my dad died way back in 1987 so it feels like a distant memory.

I am always wary of alcohol though. I never keep anything at home that is more alcoholic than 4% beer.

IF, of course not

x posts with you BM.

Sorry Losty - I'm using ex-p's PC and I'm not sure how to sign into msn. I'm still trying to stay off it anyway as it's all part of my drinking habit.

okay BM dont worry, I was just letting you know I was around. I have sent you a couple of emails as you said you were staying off msn, but I hadnt heard back from you, that's all. You dont need to reply, but I was just letting you know I was here if you wanted to. I am now busy getting very angry atm with the insensitive cancer thread

Well, since you asked, and seeing as I never get to off-load about my interlude with alcohol ...

I had a stack of anxiety / stress-related problems which meant I was barely eating and not able to get on with life at all. I went to see a psychotherapist who suggested (light-heartedly) that perhaps I could have a small shot of brandy to relax me before eating something. Believe it or not but in 6 months that small shot of brandy which was more relaxing and comforting than any of the anti-depressants or any of the therapy sessions I'd ever had, turned into much more. It seemed to open so many doors for me, I could go out, I could eat, I could switch off some of the painful things and anxieties in my head.

What saved me was getting pregnant. I don't know if I'd have stopped or what would've happened but I got pregnant and I knew immediately that I couldn't go on. It was recommended that I go into a hospital detox but I didn't, I went on a huge cutting down process at home with dp for about a week. I was warned about dt's and fits etc. but none of that happened, fortunately, and within 4 days I'd stopped. I didn't drink again once during pregnancy and since dd was born I've been able to drink without it being a problem. Although as I said I don't put temptation in my way by having spirits or even wine around at home. And I don't drink them when I go out. Occasionally I've had a glass of champagne at a 'do' but that's the strongest I'd touch. I know what to look out for and if I ever feel the urge to buy something stronger I don't let myself.

BTW, prior to my therapist suggesting brandy I didn't drink at all, not because of any problem with it, I just didn't like the taste. So I went from no alcohol to way too much alcohol so very quickly it was shocking and has always made me think the tendency to be an alcoholic is in my blood so to speak.

Sending good wishes to you IF

and to everyone else posting on here / lurking, for that matter! A lot of people whose lives have been damaged by alcohol

"One thing that struck me when I stopped drinking was how emotionally immature I was. I started drinking at a young age, and never got to "grow" through my late teens and early twenties. All I did was drink through how I felt. It was scary being 27 and feeling like a 13 year old kid."

Kokeshi this part of your post was spot on for me. I am only now really becoming an adult.

I think part of it is that alcohol is just very very addictive, IF

Yes, I absolutely agree, but for me I think it's a combination of nature and nurture. I think there is such a thing as an addictive personality and having no healthy examples of moderate drinking around me means that it was always going to be dangerous for me to drink.

I'm shocked actually that a psychotherapist would suggest alcohol to relax someone, even if it was lighthearted. If you've got a stack of emotional problems that seems very dangerous.

D'you mind me asking how much you were drinking when you were offered the medical detox? Btw, your DD is stunning - just had a nose at your profile

It is the things that blacking out helps you forget that you need to tackle which is where therapy is really useful and something like AA very supportive.Once you face those things head on and deal with them you won't need to blackout to forget them because you will have other tools to deal with those feelings.You are doing well keep going xx

Thanks Noddy. I think they are going to try and help me unravel why I've done this during the 12 week counselling course. My drink diary is making me think about why as well.

BM, it makes me shake to write it down but I drank regularly pretty much a litre of brandy a day at the worst point. It wasn't for long, I don't think with my body weight I could have sustained it for long, but between 0 - 6 months I went from maybe two single shots of brandy a day to a litre. I think I was on around half a litre for most of the time and maybe the last month it went up to the full bottle. The guys in the corner shop were always giving poor dp dirty looks as he went in to get it for me!

Incidentally blood tests showed initial changes in my liver function even after a relatively short time on that much booze.

And I was terrified for the whole pregnancy that dd would have FAS.

IF, Jesus, that therapist shot be hung, drawn and quartered! Never heard the likes of it!

BM, or what it's worth there is strong research to suggest there is a genetic element to alcoholism. I actually wrote one of my degree papers on it (whilst nursing a vodka filled bottle of diet coke in the medical library, lol). Obviously there's the nuture component to it as well; learned behaviour from our dysfunctional parents.

I've heard it said for some people descent into full blown alcoholism is like crossing a line. One can be a heavy drinker for long enough until we reach the point of no return. It makes sense to me, but I think I can look back and say that my relationship with alcohol was always unhealthy. I drank to get drunk, I drank to feel better and always more than everyone else.

Another piece of research (can you tell I was a bit obsessed about this?) indicated that alcoholics may have trouble with sugar sensitivity. Whether this is indicates a predispostion to alcohol dependence or just that drinkers crave sugar is unclear. I was actually told at the beginning of withdrawal to keep a bag of boiled sweets near, it helps to ward off a craving. Obviously not good in the long run!

There's quite a comprehensive article about it here . Warning: it's quite heavy going.

Well done again for your honesty, keep it coming.

ps. Hi losty, how are you doing? x

He was an NHS psychotherapist too - you'd have thought he'd see the risks wouldn't you? I guess because i didn't drink at all at that point and I was desperately underweight he thought it might help ...

BM: I don't want to hijack your thread, but you did ask why people drank if not to get drunk.

Before I answer that though, I'd like to say just how much I admire you for taking this step. You will get through this!

I hate being drunk! I don't like the feeling that a chemical is controlling what I do or say. I drink socially, but only things that I like the taste of - and yes, most of my friends think I'm downright perverse .

I've run a hotel/pub for the past 3 years. We're taught as part of our licensing board-required training, that an alcoholic is someone who needs alcohol to get through a day. There's no shame in the definition - a bit like saying that someone who has a BMI of
over 30 is obese (and yes, I'm sneaking up on that)....

I find I can get just as 'high' on good company and good music - especially if I'm dancing - as my friends seem to get on vodka/red bull .

I do hope the counselling helps you to work out what you need to take the place of alcohol to make you feel like you can live with yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. Certainly, from the outside, it sounds like dealing with addiction is very like dealing with depression. No-one tells a clinically depressed person to just 'snap out of it' and no-one blames them for needing help.

Anyway, I'm rambling now but please believe that you can and will do this.

Do you still have problems with eating IF? I believe it's quite common for people to have issues with more than one thing. I've had trouble with it, transferring addictions I guess and using food to suppress emotions. I know lots of people who are the same. It really blows your mind when you realise that you're not alone, and there are so many others going through the same thing.

Yes I do, BM, big time. Although like all these things I feel very embarrassed to admit it. I actually eat very little due to a massive host of fears based around eating. Alcohol really helped me eat. Sounds mad but it did. And nothing else has worked the same way.

What about CBT? That can be quite helpful in changing the negative thought patterns associate with yourself and food. All ties in emotionally definitely. I had some a few years ago, but I was still very early in my sobriety. At that point I actually had to learn to feel again, so I couldn't connect all the dots if you like. I'd probably do OK with it now though. I was actually an inpatient for that as well.

Dear BM

One technique that is helping me to manage my own alcohol problem (which I know I will have to manage forever) is to follow three basic rules.

(i) No drinking Mon-Thurs inclusive. Four days is a short time. Short enough for me to be able to manage it.

(ii) No drinking during the day. So I could drink essentially on Fri/Sat/Sun nights.

(iii) Never drink more than half a bottle of wine at any sitting.

I've stuck to that for the past 8 weeks. Effectively it means I can never drink more than a bottle and a half of wine a week. The reason this works for me is that I am not trying to keep off it totally.

If you want to try it, you need some external incentive and help to stick to the target.

My strategy was to announce it to everyone you know - it doesn't necessarily mean announcing a drink problem - I was also trying to lose weight (which is also working incidentally - am 20 lbs lighter) - so it featured as a weight reduction strategy as well.

All the very best BM. Thinking of you