Hi all, good to meet you. It's really interesting to read this thread, I don't know if this will be of interest to anyone but here is my story.
I'm 33 now and not exactly sure where I am with the eating - still sort of an issue, but not in the way it was.
When I was about 24 I began seriously losing weight after a near-lifetime of controlling my diet - started when I was about 7 and my mother went away for a week for the first time - totally innocuous, it was a summer school course - but there had been psychological problems from the start, as Mum had OCD and Dad was depressed...so it felt like a big deal. One evening Dad made dinner, I was due to perform in a concert, was nervous and threw up. The feeling of being so vulnerable without my mother, haunted me from then on and I associated eating with that fear.
I became vegetarian at 12 which helped me control my fear of food, so I ate well for a while (seemed 'safer' in its restrictions iyswim) and at 20, became vegan as well as a health food freak. I was obsessed.
What triggered the actual anorexia for me, was moving back to my parents' after trying to live far away, and feeling somehow that it was all a big bubble, which burst leaving me with a sense of falling - I felt too old to be at home again, they didn't want me hanging around, yet I'd no inner security, and needed them like a young child should - I was ashamed I felt this way and couldn't survive away from home.
I had two p/t jobs and was on a full time college course at this point, and suddenly it was all too much - I ran around busy 24/7, and never ate.
I was disappearing, physically and, I felt, emotionally - I didn't belong in the world as a kid or as an adult.
I lost a couple of stone very fast and descended into a life of isolation, for about 4 years. I ate sweets as I thought they'd help me stay alive (I wasn't trying to be thin, but afraid of eating as I dreaded feeling full, and needed always to feel that food was 'there for me' whenever I needed comfort - thus the avoidance of feeling full, as that made me panic - I hadn't enough room for my next 'fix' should I need it, and feared I'd make myself feel sick by overeating. I've always been terrified of being sick).
I had no appetite and constantly worried about how I could put on weight without making myself too full. It felt like a nightmare.
I had outpatient therapy at the Maudsley for a few weeks after I went down to 6 stone (I'm 5ft7) but didn't feel it did much.
Only by fighting it through in my head did I get anywhere. Realising that it was 'change your thinking/overcome the fear, or you're going to die' got through to my practical side, and I began to fight. I don't think anyone else could have helped me much, I needed to find the resources from within - though I didn't believe I had them.
Sort of internal CBT if you like! Something had to change. And gradually it did.
But during those four years, I had ruined my teeth with all the sugar, damaged my bones with having no periods, and despite my need for control and isolation, wish now I'd just had someone I could trust enough to allow to help me. Someone to point out that my thoughts were screwed up and explain how the body works - so I wasn't being ruled by my often unfounded, secret fears.
I hope this story helps someone.
I still struggle with depression and many other issues, but my weight has been stable and healthy for 5 years+ and no longer concerns me as it did. So I wanted to share whatever insight I have, just as proof that you can survive this.
Love to all,
Susie