EATING DISORDER SUFFERERS.......

[lissielou]

thought id start this thread coz there seem to be a few of us on here. ive been anorexic since i was little, started my first diet aged 6 and have struggled ever since. still have tumbles but getting a bit of control back now.

anyone else?

Recoveringmum, I don't really remember a time when my mum wasn't ill. I always knew that she threw up after eating, or was refusing to eat. The really sad thing is that I thought everyone's mums were like that. It was just the way things were.

Her eating disorder as such didn't affect me much as a child, but her depression did. It got to the point when I was about 14, when she wouldn't leave the house, and I had to stay with her if my dad was at work. I absolutely hated it.

Looking back on it now, my relationship with my mother and food has profoundly affected my life. I have been in counselling several times, for up to a year at a time.

Her relationship with food meant that she was utterly absorbed by it. This meant that she was emotionally unavailable and distant. She spent almost a year in hospital at one point (I was about 10). I have huge problems trusting people, due I think to the fact that I never knew when she was going or coming back.

For those of you with children, I would beg you to seek help wherever and whenever you can. I know that my mum thought (and still thinks) that her ed and behaviour did/does not affect me. She couldn't be more wrong. I feel my life has been blighted by it. Until I met dh, my relationships with men were always destructive, my relationship with food has always been troubled and I have terribly low self-esteem.

I'm sorry if that's hard to read, but I just needed to explain how it felt as the child of someone with an ed. Please feel free to ask any questions you want to, and I will try to answer them as honestly as possible.

Well done everyone I think we are all different but also the same. I'm too tired now to be bothered anymore, its so hard trying to stay on top of it all the time. I have tried everything from self help groups to councelling, even putting myself in a private clinic. Its just not going to happen. I know I have my babies but its just not healthy for them to watch me do this all the time. Its better for them if they dont see me doing it, but do it I will.

Its been part of me for ever and changing it makes me somebody I'm not (if that makes sense) I know you will all say you must find a way around it or you are just feeling low at the moment but I have tried everything & willingly tried not just going through the prescribed treatment.

There is no way out for me, I am that one in five. I'm not looking for attention or pitty just saying it as it is.

Hillary, i felt exactly as you did until a while ago. i know exactly what it means to feel like you may not be 'you' without your ed. in a strange and twisted way we like our eds. they are what give us the power to overcome all those things we wanted to stash away.

however, today, without my ed, i have found that i am not empty without it, rather i have room for my real self to exist. and the real self, the one that we are all born with the one that was there when you were a child before you had an ed is inside there always waiting for you to give it some space to surface. do you feel that today you understand the reasons you began your ed? do you feel that today it is more of a habit you cant get rid of then a masque for insecurities or anything else?

would you consider trying nlp? from what you say you havent tried it yet.

littlefish thanks so much for your response. my mom (although she really is a great mom and grandmother in terms of her intention and effort) was quite depressed while i was growing up. partly as a result of insecurities she had as a child, and also possibly as a result of an ed she had.

my mom was depressed about the country we lived in when i grew up (canada), about being away from her friends and family, about not working at first, and so on and so on. she sort of tried to build a home and make us all feel good, but she was always more focused on how upset and distressed she was and things would always end up with her yelling, screaming, crying, spanking me up and down my body when i was naked (i used to like to walk around naked how ironic) and just a lot of bitterness. she also gave us really mixed messages, on one hand demanding excellence from us, on the other hand showing us no role model.

she never told me she had an eating disorder, and i only thought of it when i was older and trying to understand what led me to an eating disorder. basically, today she is relativiley large and has very strange food rules like - if i dont eat a large steak each day i dont feel full. and, its so normal to eat two double ice creams on a regular basis, because you like ice cream. once she told me when she was in university she had some gastro problem and had to spend one year eating only cooked foods with no spcies. then she would eat chicken cooked in tomato sauce and thats it. those are my clues, and the depressive and negative attitude about everything and complete disinterrested in taking care of herself to look good (in a healthy way). what do you think?

more then anything, i find it hard to cope with the fact that she may have known firsthand how horrible and debilitating an ed is, and not have made an effort to help me when she knew i had a problem.

Hi Hillary, it's really hard for me to know what to say to you that might bring any comfort or support. I do know what you mean about your ed being part of you. I understand the fear and worry associated with beginning to imagine what life would be like without it.

These thoughts haunt me daily too. BUT, the one thing that I keep coming back to is that I never ever want my daughter to have the life I've had. She is my reason for wanting to feel whole again, to feel that I am important and worthwhile.

The way you are feeling now is part of the cycle. I'm sure you've felt like this before, and then had times when you felt more hopeful. Please try and recognise the way you're feeling, and know that hopefully it is temporary.

Recoveringmum, it's really interesting what you say about the food rules. We all make them, don't we! It's just that someone else's rules don't make sense to us. I have a friend who will only eat things like biscuits, crackers, potatoes etc. in odd number groups. It makes absolutely no sense to me, but it comforts her, and at times when she feels like overeating, helps her to have a rule for stopping.

Your mum may have recognised signs of an ed in you, and realised the part she played in taking you there. She may feel unbelievable guilt and therefore, not have been able to reach out and help you.

Or, she may never have recognised her own behaviour as being an ed. My mother and two cousins have all had/have eating disorders. My grandfather lost a great deal of weight when grieving for another aunt (his daughter) when she died at a young age. In spite of all his experience of eating disorders in the family, he said "I've lost too much weight, I never knew that how you felt could affect your eating".

I don't know how old you are, but ed have only fairly recently been treated sensitively and seriously. Your mother may never have sought help, assuming it was part of her depression.

Like yours, my mother is a fantastic grandmother, but I can't let her be a good mother. It would hurt me too much. I just don't trust her.

i hate the fact that my ed is a part of my make up! and my mum has NEVER admitted that im anorexic, she just sweeps it under the carpet. i think they tend to live in denial

hellobello i agree with what littlefish said to you about trying to make yourself better for your daughter, but i know that when i had dd1 i kept thinking that and then still went and did it anyways. when she turned 2 i one day was eating chocolates and offering her some and she looked and me and said - no mummy, enough. no mor chocolates. i felt like she new. it was horrible and devastating and in my head ran the thoughts about how she will grow with a mother who cant give her the attention she needs to build her confidence, because shes to busy focused on her own problems.

even that didnt help me to stop though.

really what helped me was when i felt that i dont want to have this problem any more and i just need to reprogram my brain not to default to eating everytime i want to feel a feeling.

even when i began the nlp, the guy said to me - what will you do with all the time you are going to have if you dont eat and throw up? i was really scared when he said that because i'd thought about it before and the answer was - i will be so bored and go back to eating. when i think back, many times i would start eating and eating because i was bored. but the whole treatment really helped me to change the way i think. and in doing that it helped me to develop a very relaxed attitude where if i am not sure what to do with my time, my tummy doesnt start propelling me towards the fridge or the corner store.

well, i hope your doing better today. hugs.

lissielou, you too can discover that it is not a part of your makeup. our eds are something we choose to do. its like choosing to wear an iron cage instead of a pretty flowy dress.

i really hope you also try nlp soon.

i just feel like i've really been helped, and i know how hard it is for anything to help (i tried tons and tons of treatments), and would really like to pass that on to anyone who can be saved by it.

littlefish, thanks so much for writing your answer. i have never thought of it as you have put it. it makes it a little easier to think that my mother probably didnt know better because in her time it was something that you dont treat but just hide or something.

i think those eating rules are a deadringer. a person with an ed spots those strange habits in others right away.

still, a part of me really feels sad about all the people in my life who were really close to me and didnt help, like my sister, my grandparents and my dh. it makes me feel like the only person i can count on to make me better is me.

and what you wrote reminded me that my grandfather was also apparently bulimic later in life. i even saw him throw up once. (how insane is that).what to make of that?

Hillary - it cannot have been part of you 'forever', you were not born with an ED. When did it actually start? I want to challenge your assumptions because I used to believe I would never recover and I have

steinermum, how did you recover?

It was a very gradual process. They say you should expect to take a month for every year you've been ill and that when you recover you will, in some ways, be the same emotional age as when you developed the illness and will have to relearn many responses to difficult situations. I was training as a psychiatric nurse (great way of avoiding my own probs. by surrounding myself with much worse ones!) and knew I had to get help. Went to the nurses' GP who referred me for OP psychiatric and dietician appointments. That helped a bit. I also attended lots of Overeaters Anonymous meetings, which helped me not to feel quite so alond, but weren't enough. Had two years private psychotherapy which I found immensely difficult, but which helped me understand why I'd started using food to deal with any uncomfortable situation. Gradually started to get better, keeping a diary all through therapy helped. Didn't finally kick it till DS2 was about six months. Just realised I had to be sane and healthy to be a good mum, also was enjoying experiencing what my body was actually for. These days I never deal with things through food. I actually find food quite boring. There's nothing out there I haven't binged on in the past. I don't have any forbidden foods and I never eat diet food. I eat regular meals and am just active in daily life. I am slim. I am two stone lighter these days than at my worst time of eating disorder. I'd be happy to answer any other questions and even if your symptoms are different to what mine were, you can bet that you're using eating or not eating to deal with feelings you don't know what to do with.

hi steinermum. thanks so much for answering. i have about one year left to go then....

i can understand why it would mean i would be emotionally immature when i'm done.

infact, i've been racking my brain to figure out why my problem started since i discovered i had a problem (about 7 years after i started) and since then have figured out that its a way to deal with emotions, a way to feel, a way to speak, a way to deal with fear and so on and so on.

i tried tons of therapies and none worked. i loved my ed.

but over the time i was getting better in a way, because my brain was catching up with my stomach, i was realizing that i'm not into dealing with everything through food anymore. but i didnt know how to change that default action i had wired into my brain for so long.

so i discovered nlp, the purpose of that is to relax and undo any wrong wiring you may have done at a time when you were scared, worried, or just didnt know better.

so far it has worked. (miraculously). i eat normal meals, really healthy nutrishious food. dont really care for cakes or chocolates or junk. although i can eat a bite or two without relapsing (so far). i dont walk by a pastry shop and feel my stomach turning, or smell the cakes and croissants through the window. (in the years and years i have managed to binge on every possible food).

i am a little worried about how long this will last. it makes such a big difference to own your life.

did you have any relapses?
how did you learn to deal with things in a new way?

I realised early on in my ED (which lasted 17 years) that it was NOT my friend, I didn't love it at all, though I loved the thrill of bingeing. So I can't tell you how many relapses I had - hundreds, because I was always trying to get better and failing. Keep going, you're doing well. All I can say is that in a life without an ED there are still lots of probs to deal with, but you choose to face them or ignore them, not bury them under a food obsession and tell yourself life will be perfect when you've sorted out your eating. I can tell you though that there is no comparison between how I feel about myself these days, compared to how much I loathed myself when I'd been bingeing.

but how long have you been 'sober'. and do you ever think about using food to deal with things or is that something you dont even remem ber how to do.

i would hate to think that i will forever have a tiny voice in my head that may suddenly appear and ask if i dont want to stuff my face to deal with something.

i also loathed myself. today i am happy because i have had a real achievment (even if its small). its actually more natural to love yourself then loathe (a real surprise to an ed sufferer).

Have not binged for five years. Don't think about it. Don't even own any weighing scales, whereas I used to weigh myself nearly every day and many times a day if I was on a weight-loss kick. I can honestly say that the whole topic bores me now whereas it used to fill every waking hour and I really don't say that to undermine what you are going through, just to show you that it CAN end and life goes on. There are good and bad days, but NOT because of what I have or haven't eaten!

Am going to bed now.
If you like yourself it's much harder to want to do bad things to your body and in order to like yourself you need to accept yourself as you are RIGHT NOW, not wait until the mythical time when you'll be good enough to earn your own approval.
Lots of love xx

Thank you Steinermum. So much of what you have said striks a chord with me. Lots to think about.

I'm happy to hear that Littlefish. The best first step is to be your own friend, your own mum almost. Care for yourself, accept yourself and that's when you start recovering. Get as much help as you need, you really do deserve it. Most people with eating disorders are kind, sensitive people and have so much to live for if they can see beyond the food!!

Hi Steinermum, I have always had my ed, I was a large 'fat' baby but was abused from toddlerhood, I became a different person then, the abuse continued for many many years as did my ed, the abuse stopped but the ed didn't. I was scared of my own shaddow, I didn't speak, play or anything, I was even too scared to say 'Yes' in the school register. When you are scared or nervous you tend to go off eating, I think this is where it started, I was too nervous to eat then grew used to it, now its just part of me, its who I am.

Hello Hillary, I am so sorry to hear about your history and I completely withdraw my challenge that you cannot always have had your eating disorder. In some ways it has been a lifesaver to you, by giving you something in which to absorb yourself to avoid confronting the horrible things that were done to you. I would not presume to suggest any sort of therapy to you, I'm sure you've been offered lots. I would just say that you coped with your abuse in what must have seemed the only way possible to you at the time. You are no longer that helpless toddler, whoever perpetrated the abuse should NOT be allowed to ruin the rest of your life and interfere with your ability to mother your own children. Are you angry about it? Resigned? Have you had a chance to confront them, even indirectly?

Good evening Steinermum, how are you today? I have come to terms with it now (I think) It took a long time but I wrote everything into a diary and then burnt it, my way of clearing the past. I don't feel angry, I feel we all born into what we are born into IYKWIM. I have not faced my abuser as I am still terrified of him & still have nightmares about it. Not much you can do really.

& to topp it all I'm in the middle of baking cakes! Its my dd2's first birthday tomorrow

I definitely agree about using an ed to mask other things. I think mine is my coping mechanisim. I turn to it when I can't cope with something else that's going on with me. I have always had confidence issues going back to when I was very little and I place a lot of importance on what people think of me and appearance. It's not about being thin its about being considered the norm. I always stood out when I was little for the wrong reasons and that has stayed with me. My ed has been something for me to use as a crutch, to get me past those times when i can't cope with reality. It just isolates me though and leaves me unable to think. Mine is now very much below the surface and I always think I have control over it. Sometimes though you don't know you're having an episode until you're in the middle of it.
It's great seeing that there are some of you that have totally got free of it all despite the years of suffering and that gives me hope and the realisation that i can find ways of coping that don't involve food!