Yesterday, I found out that ... and I'm scared.

[GoodnessKnows]

I will be brief as I feel like I've entered a time warp where my brain has frozen, incapable of long sentences:
Had hip pain and have been waking at 3am most nights with back pain (not terrible) for about 1-2 years.
Thought I needed a firmer mattress.
Finally went to consultant.
Two MRIs and an X-ray later, I was ushered into a private room having just been told that a large tumor is at the base of my spine.
They called me back in within one working day of the second MRI.
I'm now waiting for a biopsy which will be on Wednesday or Saturday of next week - to determine its 'nature'.
Scared
Shocked
There was talk of chronic bone erosion in the lower back as a result of this thing. Also discussion of nerve paths and tumors, rare cases and cups of tea.
Now, lying awake as usual in mild discomfort, I'm in utter shock and disbelief.

All done, thoughtful MNers! Only downside was the leg stockings which had a good go at strangling my right leg over night. Lol
Glad it's done. Well, that part, anyway. It's the next one I'm .... shitting myself about. Not literally ;)
Intensive care, chest brace to keep me flat... Yikes. Apparently it'll be 'fine' cos I'll be off my face on morphine.
Not fine. Not not not
But I pray to gd that the bastard tumour hasn't embroiled itself in the nerves (think it has) and isn't cancerous. They're so clever these days - the surgeons. And I'm so scared. Bit yes, head on, facing it is the only way. Not being given a choice.

Morning love.
When is all that being done?
No it's not fine, it's bollox but you are doing it and that's all you can do.
Horrible and terrifying but not doing it isn't an option.
Onwards! Sending you good vibes xx

Thank you Ledkr. You're right. No option. Results in 7-10 days. Sooner if ... Cancerous, I guess. Shitty shit shit.
Hey ho. Thank goodness for Xmas and its merry distraction!

Just wanted to send you love and hugs OP, going through a similar thing with my Dfather, he won't get his surgery till after Xmas now as it was cancelled last week,
I really hope you get the best news, and your right, got Xmas to take your mind off briefly

Good luck with all of this. A friend had spinal surgery at RNOH and said surgeon was excellent. Agree with others, place run down but good reputation. Is a bit of isolated place though, has cafe but you need car or bus to get to shops. For information you can search on the Information Prescription Service . All good info from major cancer charities Inc Macmillan. Has stuff about talking to children etc as well.

Hope your DF isn't too worried and has something that's easily operable, etc. perhaps I'll meet him in a corridor! Lol
Thank you, Honey. It's good to know how highly people who've had spinal surgery rate the consultants.

Goodness.
I've learned to cope with shitty results and waiting by telling myself that NOBODY.coukd ever be guaranteed they have nothing or will get nothing. I always tell myself "your here now so don't think about not being"
I recently got more crap news (brca2) so will be having my ovaries etc out in the new year, I just tell myself I've got to get on with it, surprisingly in bit a big martyr I've just learned to do what I have to do to survive the crap life has flung my way.
In a way I hope your results aren't till after Xmas how about you?

Thinking of you too. Try not to think too many steps ahead. Just try to remember you are in the hands of experts who will know how to look after you. had something minor a while ago and I thought of all possible complications. I mentally handed the responsibility over the experts and it helped.

Good idea. Weird thing I'm going through at moment is that last week I went to a consultant about an achey hip and was talked to and before I knew it, I was sitting in front of a surgeon who is an expert on rare tumours and the spine. NOT achey hips. I have more control over choosing a haurdresser

Just wondering if you are home again and if you are ok.

Thank you for asking. I'm home and the reality is almost sinking in - an operation that is serious and scary. The biopsy was ok. Really scared when going under but absolutely fine. My DH was there. The consultants n anaesthetists were excellent. I think. Now The Wait. 7-10 days. If I hear sooner it'll be even worst news. So I'm waiting. Hoping not to hear for ages but realing between reality and nightmare.

Ledkr, have you hound the Tamoxigang Christmas Party thread? How are you feeling ? Silly question? Does the operation in the NYear seem like another reality? I'm hoping ... Don't know what I'm hoping. It will not come and I'll wake up and it'll all have been a terrible dream, mistake, mixed identity saga

Oh im alright goodness I do visit the ladies sometimes but I tend not to dwell on it too much. It doesn't suit me.
Op is small (keyhole) so I'm not bothered and the time off work is a bonus too!
Yes I remember waking up some mornings and fir a rare second I'd forgotten but then it would all come crashing back and I'd feel terrified again.
Thing with you is that it's probably not malignant but remind yourself too of the amazing stories you hear, medicine is amazing and can literally work miracles so do try to stay positive.

That's it. Waking to the reality of toward to believe was a nightmare. If that makes sense. Starting to sink in now. My achey hip at 2-4 or 4-6 reminds me of what's lurking and of what's going to have to happen.
Keyhole surgery tip: (I had a cyst removed by keyhole 3 years ago)
Peppermint tea. You'll feel v bloated n it's a bit painful and goes up to your shoulder. Peppermint tea helped to settle the gas that needs to expell. I was quite farty- needed to come out. Lol
Maybe ask consultant and health food shop about peppermint tablets for afterwards. When's your op? Apart from that (2-3 days) I was absolutely fine.

Hello, just wanted to say I am thinking of you ((hugs))

Thank you. Today should be a good day. Taking DS to a wall climbing lesson. Then to London to walk around Hamleys before going to DH's Xmas party. It's always lovely. Just hope I don't drift off into myself or feel ... Whatever.

Am thinking of you and holding out for good news that it will be benign and you come shining through.

My daughter had serious spinal surgery ten ten years ago (how time flies) and although gruelling in it took a while for her to recover, she is here happy and healthy. She used to chant to herself 'The waiting is the worst' whilst awaiting surgery and indeed in many ways it was. Once you have the surgery you will be getting on with it and mentally occupied in a more productive manner.

Just sending you some good wishes, Goodness. :)

Sending you too x

Hope the wall climbing and Hamleys managed to distract you a bit....

After Hamleys I reckon you'll be ready for a nice lie down!

And the morphine really will help in hospital as you'll care a little bit less! Makes me awfully constipated though, get people to bring you fruit!

Fingers crossed for the results. Xx

How is she now? Your words are really reassuring and honest. Thank you.

They think it's a melanocytic schwannoma. I'm waiting to hear.

Mignonette. Your words ring so true abc are encouraging. How us your daughter doing?

Hi Goodness how have you been today?

My daughter has recovered with a surgical scar from nape to butt and another down her side and is doing well. She cannot bend as well as 'regular people' and any future babies will be delivered by CS but she got through it.

I mentioned your thread to her and she wishes you loads of luck and a benign outcome. She wants you to know that the getting on with things will allow you to focus those wandering thoughts that lead to worst case scenarios.