Yesterday, I found out that ... and I'm scared.

[GoodnessKnows]

I will be brief as I feel like I've entered a time warp where my brain has frozen, incapable of long sentences:
Had hip pain and have been waking at 3am most nights with back pain (not terrible) for about 1-2 years.
Thought I needed a firmer mattress.
Finally went to consultant.
Two MRIs and an X-ray later, I was ushered into a private room having just been told that a large tumor is at the base of my spine.
They called me back in within one working day of the second MRI.
I'm now waiting for a biopsy which will be on Wednesday or Saturday of next week - to determine its 'nature'.
Scared
Shocked
There was talk of chronic bone erosion in the lower back as a result of this thing. Also discussion of nerve paths and tumors, rare cases and cups of tea.
Now, lying awake as usual in mild discomfort, I'm in utter shock and disbelief.

She and my DD only live 15 mins away

Goodness no advice to give, but I have been suffering from insomnia so will be around at night time x

Thank you turnip. Why are you suffering from insomnia, honey? Hope you're ok. You coping with Daytimes then?

You need to get control... You need to know what type of tumour it is. Only then can you know whether it's worth this amount of worry. Are they planning a biopsy?

GoodnessKnows
Just seen this thread - my DB was in exactly the same position as you this time last year.
He went through all the worry and 'what if' scenarios, whilst having to cope with bad pain, and the 'out of it' feeling brought on by strong painkillers.
He was expecting surgery over the holiday (at John Radcliffe who were excellent), but infact it was later in January.
Serious operation obviously - these tumours (his was at the base of his spine) are bad even if not malignant, because of their position. His was inside the spinal cord, and there was an issue with leaking fluid after the op, but he is now back to normal - well as normally as he has ever been!
We were saying only this week how awful it was this time last year - hopefully you'll be doing the same this time next year, when you're sorted and recovered.

I normally work nights and having problems adjusting back to days so waking at 4am. I'm trying not to be a complete grouch during the day.
Hope today goes well and I will look for you tomorrow morning (hopefully you will be asleep)
How is your DH holding up, is he able to give you lots of support?

marigold the Op has had a biopsy we are all virtually hand holding for the results so she can then tackle the next stage. Aj that is great news about your DB I hope that Goodness can find herself in the same situation.
As for your DM I hope she does step up her game and does pull out the stops for you. Agree normality for your dcs as much as possible.

AJ thank you. Given me hope. I've always been 'normal' ( depending on who you ask and on my mood. Lol) so hope I have no after-effects. It's in my spinal canal too. Shit

Thank you, Rosa. Your words are always better than chocolate (lost my appetite).
Queenmarigold - don't know what to say except... read the post. It's in my spinal canal and if the consultants are worried, so am I. It's not just a questionable tumour that can easily be removed.

Turnips I'm soooo glad your DH is ok. Must've been so worrying for you all. Can't notice any worry in my DH. But he may be better at concealing and handling it. I worry about him though as he has ulcerative colitis and I don't want him stressed. Not much I can do. I've felt angry the last day or two. Sometimes. Thought I was going to go out of my mind last night, sitting around waiting (crying on phone helped for 10 mins). Thank The Lord for friends. AND for MN!

Turnips, he's doing his (grouchy) best. Think it's hard for him to multi task and he hates to be told/ asked to do stuff. So do I. Lol
Shifts must be hard. Readjusting. What do you do? I can relate to trying not to be grouchy when tired.

Hi Goodness. I want to say that you have another internet stranger (me!) wishing you all the best and being a tiny bit inside your isolation bubble with you. Personal suffering is captured beautifully in the WH Auden poem La Musee de Beaux Arts: you feel like the world should stop and take notice, that the children should stop playing, the ship stop sailing and the ploughman cease his toil in the fields as your personal tragedy unfolds. But no, it all goes on as normal... and in a way that is good and as it should be, but very disorienting for you going through this trauma. I feel for you. I too have been there but come through stronger the other side. I hope that is true for you too. Modern medicine is a truly wonderful thing and surgery is something that it does best. xxxxx

I think anger is a natural response with all the stress and worry you are going through. Sorry to hear about your Dh and colitis, makes it even hardera for you at the moment.

I'm a support worker at a sen school (outs self!) Nights are hard but the students are amazing. Normally I don't have issues with the day/night sleep thing- I think it is because I am pressuring myself to relax over Christmas.

Have you got any plans for today? Sorry if you have mentioned earlier - tiredness kicking in.

ProfOlum - sooo glad you're now 'out the other side'! I did feel like announcing it in FB and telling the green grocer (and everyone else) for the first week. Especially the first few days. Now, so many 'any news' texts n calls as it is. Throws me back into it when I manage to forget but don't honestly know how I'd cope without my friends. It's interesting, if not a tad upsetting, to see who my real friends are. I've been pleasantly surprised (absolutely spoilt with the love n constant hand holding) of newer / more recent friends and those who I rarely see but get on well with. Some stay away. They're probably thinking of me. There's time. Funny how people are. And if I were them, I'd have nooooo idea how to respond. Noooo idea how they might be feeling, the thoughts going around in their heads, etc.

That is the oddest thing, watching the World go about its everyday humdrum life whilst your own life feels as if it has been cored out ProfPLum

Keeping busy is good but you must build in time to 'feel'. Let those thoughts wash over you for a defined period of time otherwise they will leak out at inopportune moments. You do have to feel too.

And try to share it with loved ones. Let them take some of it from you. It isn't protecting them if you keep a brave face- in my experience repressed worry will exacerbate Colitis. Your DH needs openness so as not to internalise his fears as this has a negative effect on gut function. Sorry if that sounds a bit cod psychology!

Illness can bring you closer. I hope this happens for you both and that you are a wonderful source of strength for each other.

Much love to you Goodness

Oh no. Sorry to have encouraged an 'outing', of sorts. Get MN to delete that!
V rewarding but yes, next to impossible to resist The Grouchies if sleep deprived n all over the place.
Do your shifts run at the same time most days?
Hope you're having at least a few days off!
I'm going poota (computer) shopping today. DS has written heart-rending letter to Santa begging for a 'kumputa... and other stuff but can't think now'. Lol
Looking at getting a Samsung Tab or Nexus. He's 6, so only want it for educational stuff and want it subscribe to Maths Whiz. Can't work out whether it'll work on either of these.

Then visiting a friend who has had her second bubba. Should've been to visit weeks ago. Home for Tesco and on Monday, I'll be calling my consultant's secretary. No idea what I'll say. Wish THEY'D be a bit better at hand holding. News delivered, contacted for biopsy and told I'll be contacted as n when results are back and op has been booked. But crap really. Not even a helpline given. Have spoken to Macmillan once who we're v kind to speak to me (seeing as it's hoped to be benign). No other helplines for rare tumours that I know of.

There will be somewhere, I'm sure.
I felt alone too having bc so young I had nobody to talk to.
I also learned not to bottle up my fears and get them out there.
I remember seeing the other mums at school just having a normal life and wished so much that I was them.
I never take my life for granted now which is positive.

It really is. They've noooo idea. It'll be weird to answer questions such as How was your holiday? Do anything nice? Feel like stating the facts but it'd be a but ifs pity trip and passive aggressive. I'd be disappointed in their crap responses too, no doubt. Already feel let down by a couple of people (school mums- the only two who know)!

Hi goodness hope your day has been as good as circumstances allow. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

Thinking of you Goodness.
I can only imagine how frustrating the waiting must be.
Hope you get your results soon and they can crack on with whatever course of action is needed.

You need a headband like the 'what am I game' with a label saying 'no crap questions please' or ' Nope i am still playing the waiting game" or ' yes I am terrified" or ' pass the hankies'.... So you avoid the questions.
Took the dc to carols by candlelight today - a first for both of them and they loved it ...Diddn't manage to set the carol sheet on fire either - surely H&S should have banned it ? Anyway you were in our thoughts and prayers.

Lol
Sounds like a lovely day, Rosa. I knew a Rosa at Uni who went to live in Italy afterwards. Could it be you? That WOULD be weird & wonderful! Had a good day. Seem to be crying easily and thinking awful 'sad film thoughts'. Lost in my own world (up own arse & self-absorbed) as a result of shock, fear n worry. As a result, everything I'd ordered from Tesco arrived in double the quantity. I was out when it arrived. I was out when tutee arrived. Oops. Shitty brains drowning in emotion n self-absorption.

Hi Goodness, checking in hoping you are getting some much deserved sleep.

Best wishes op, sending hugs. I had a mastectomy for breast cancer a year ago, thoroughly sh++ time all round. You will get through it, don't push your feelings aside, if you feel like curling up alone or having a good old cry, do it. Sending all best wishes