Yesterday, I found out that ... and I'm scared.

[GoodnessKnows]

I will be brief as I feel like I've entered a time warp where my brain has frozen, incapable of long sentences:
Had hip pain and have been waking at 3am most nights with back pain (not terrible) for about 1-2 years.
Thought I needed a firmer mattress.
Finally went to consultant.
Two MRIs and an X-ray later, I was ushered into a private room having just been told that a large tumor is at the base of my spine.
They called me back in within one working day of the second MRI.
I'm now waiting for a biopsy which will be on Wednesday or Saturday of next week - to determine its 'nature'.
Scared
Shocked
There was talk of chronic bone erosion in the lower back as a result of this thing. Also discussion of nerve paths and tumors, rare cases and cups of tea.
Now, lying awake as usual in mild discomfort, I'm in utter shock and disbelief.

Thank you, Holda. Been doing a bit if praying myself. Lol
These are the tests I'm going to have: www.londonsarcoma.org/downloads/Undergoing-Investigations.pdf
I think I have to have all of them. I pray to gd it's benign. Gd forbid it's not!
Even so, there will need to be considerable reconstruction to my spine since this bastard of a tumour has eroded so much bone. Fucking shitty thing. Anyway, ahem, as I was saying... It's going to be a long stretch and at the moment I'm in Pergetory as I want to know when the bloody biopsy is but then again I'm terrified of it, the day of tests, the Big Op and the recovery, managing the children and my parents , husband and children. I'm worried about the effect this us. & will have in them.

Goodness-what a tough time! I've scan read as running out of battery but just wanted to say I've had spinal surgery at stanmore, 7 years ago. Although out of date I'd be happy to try and answer any questions on pm.

Thank you. I will PM you now - for when your battery is charged.

That is a fair few , then the wait afterwards will be 2 weeks at least before you have any more answers. Well done for 'sowing the seed' with your ds. Yes its going to worry your family and friends but its good that they will support and be there for you. Fingers crossed you get the call on Monday.

Hello sweetie (Rosa). Yes. Let's hope I get told something on Monday. Then again, perhaps it was all a nightmare which is why no one has called.

Hi any news????

Hi Arisa, darling. How's you? Thank you for asking. Biopsy is tomorrow. But of a delapidated place (went today for MRSA screening). But staff seem nice and I'm covered for this bit privately. So I'm lucky. Still, would rather be going to The Grove. Lol
Think it'll be ok tomorrow. Okay - I'll probably cry going under cos I am Last of the Big Wimps. BUT there's no real recovery Issie after the biopsy. I hear I'll just have a bit of a sore back. Not like the next things. That'll be jntensive care and aaaaaall sorts. Hey ho. Trying not to think about that. I pray to gd it's benign, as they think - and pleeeeease gd (hope he's listening), let in not be involved with any nerves, nerve sheaths, etc.

Will keep everything crossed for you ...

Everything crossed for you xx

Will be thinking of you tomorrow. I had spinal surgery at Queen Square, the neuro branch of UCLH, earlier this year. I'm not sure if that's where you are heading? Happy to answer any questions.

Hope it goes well. Tears are just fine. We'd all have a cry, too.xx

Good luck tomorrow. Hope all goes as smoothly as possible, i agree tears are fine. Console yourself with knowing I often cry at the dentist

Good luck for tomorrow.
Reading your posts made me cry as I can so identify with the utter terror and sadness you feel.
I had 3 boys under 7 and was a happy healthy 26 yr I'd when I found a breast lump. Of course it turned out to be aggressive cancer.
The fear I felt I can still recall easily twenty years later, I cried at the swimming gala and was awake every night the fear literally hurting my whole body.
You might have gathered in still here! Had shitty chemo and lost my hair and breasts (so what though)
I can't take away your feelings until you get your results butI just wanted to be one if the many people who are thinking if you and praying for a good outcome.
Lots of love xxx

thinking of you Goodnessknows xx

Good luck tomorrow

My head is so fuzzy (I have another excise now - stress) that I can't remember all of your pseudonyms, but want to say thank you.
Thank you for. 'holding my hand ' , for giving me a save to go mental with fear, for bring a drama queen with the shock , for feeling sorry for myself and for generally being on a right old spin and chasing my tail with scary imaginings.
Despite feeling pissed off, sadder than sad, a bit of a victim and shit scared, I've NOT felt alone. Thanks to Each person who's responded with a 'thinking of you' and a way of identifying with my experience or feeling. Rosa, you're a sweet heart.
I'm positive I'll cry when fling under the general - I've had 3 generals since having my children and have cried each time just as going under. I think it's a natural instinct to stay conscious to be there for my DCs combined with sudden shock and fear. I think it'll be Hstd waiting for the results but not as hard as waiting for The Op. I know a but of what might be to come. That scared me shitless. I'm not usually one to swear that much. But seriously folks , chest brace to keep me lying flat while in intensive care, reconstructive surgery on my spine... and that's just the good stuff. Hopefully it's benign. I'm so scared that I'm terrified of the rest too.
But
Another but
Today should be ok. And I'm neither alone in RL nor when I awake, worrying or frightened on my own (MN). I've even spoken to two wonderful people through MN who've had spinal surgery. How incredible is that!
I'm sure that most people can tolerate all this so much better and just get on with it.
Anyway, I've made a list. I didn't think I've had good friends. I was beginning think I was wrong. This little Coronation Street Hermit called her busy friends (everyone has children under 7 - mostly aged 2, 3 or 6). I told them and asked them whether I could put them on my list of people I can call when I'm panicking or shaking or want to cry but don't want to be alone and cry cos it makes me feel too alone with it all.
I now have a list of about 13 lovely mummies. Reason I wanted a 'selection ' is cos they really ARE busy and this way, I've told them that of they can't answer the phone (are having arguments with little people, over fish on the floor), they know I have someone else I can ring. And so do I.
They hope to have the results before Christmas.
So do I.
I think.
Don't know what I think, actually. In glad I'm getting on with it but I'm scared. ( there's that word again) or The Next Step. Can't even consider the C word. They've said it looks benign so THAT's what I'm thinking.
Apologies to those who are reading the other thread. I've not the time to respond to any posts there so I'll copy n paste this one.
Xxx

I hate typos. Lol

I hope it all goes well today.

Hope you are ok......thinking of you. X

Just read this, thinking of you too x

Good luck today, you are doing the only thing you can which is facing this head on and getting it treated, it's so tempting to stay in your bubble but the only way is straight.
Thinking of you.

Thinking of you op.

Huge box of hankies heading your way.. Mind you its probably over now Hope you are not too sore.

thinking of you too op - sending a hug