********The 37th Tamoxifen Thread, Fun and Tears in "Cancerland" *****

[Copthallresident]

Trolley Rolled over and "Its a small small world" playing on the ipod on repeat.

Earth - I think almost certainly the lack of sleep, and now your whole sleep pattern has been disturbed. I would definitely have a word with the doctor about something to help you sleep - you might only need it for a few nights to get your sleeping back on track.

KK that is so sad! You used to be shown around by a sailor from Navy who had clearly been picked for their love of Nelson and naval history, so very reverential and knowledgable. Now it is all gimmicks, and why do these people think subjecting you to heights is a good thing?? don't get me started on desecration of Cutty sark by architect using it to have a wet (actually dry since he has taken it out of water and put it on giant toast rack) dream. Can't bring myself to go see Mary Rose above water as dived down to it with archeologists when I was at university, only possible way you would have got me to qualify as diver in horrible cold ponds in gravel pits with zero visibility, it was an amazing experience.

We had a lovely evening last night met up with Big Copt and being irresponsible parents who have brainwashed DDs with sad geekyness and Trekkiness went to see new Star Trek movie in 3D at IMAX. It was great fun though KK there is one scene where they are having fight on roof of shuttle thingy driving through skyscrapers of San Francisco where someone who has a problem with heights may have to grab DD and hide face in neck( just in case you know someone like that) Weall felt a bit airsick when we came out so we obviously won't be boldly going anywhere! Then lovely Sushi after.

I take it we won't be meeting in outdoor bar on 88th floor DDs and DH tried to get me to in Hong Kong (Why?) Hk terrible for vertigo sufferers, DDs used to go up and play in friends roof garden on 34th floor. I would have to wonder our flat "not thinking about it" we were on 11th floor and had staircase that went up in front of floor to ceiling window, for first few weeks I had to close my eyes to get up to bedrooms!!

Another with long lived relatives so just assumed I was in for 90 years, my Nana's twin decided aged 96 when she stopped being able to walk 3 miles to and from town because of an ulcer to plan her funeral complete with arranging with Council to stop the traffic then died in her sleep. Part of the grieving process was for that lost future, in my new normal every year I am there for Copts growing up is a gift.

NF glad you had a good time, and hooligan puppy behaved, goondog learnt very early that trying to play with Dads horse or bambi's mother in park a very scary experience, and now is scared of everything including sheep......

ruby hope your Dad has a great birthday

EMIN I was very sick with Big Copt, there was a certain bin at Victoria station that I had to throw up in ( having also had to break trip at a certain station) waves of nausea were like clockwork , and then IRA blew up that bin, thankfully just before I got there But nausea with chemo not as bad, never actually sick, just found it hard to eat. So diet of soup, crackers and biscuits, miso, green tea . .....

MAS good luck to T for last five, it's an endurance test with GCSEs, little Copt has one more, not til Next Wed, so everything a lot calmer here.

Earth yes ask, lack of sleep is awful I would be in a much worse state emotionally if I wasn't sleeping
Copt I keep thinking how my family are going to cope without me. I know they will as they'll have to. We used to talk a lot about the future and if the kids would go to uni, if they'd have children, plans for a world cruise when we retired etc now no one dares mention anything beyond next week
I have too much time on my hands today. Dd has just asked of she can clear her wardrobe out ( shock !) so maybe I should help her. Waiting for the garage to ring so I can pick the car up
I don't mind heights, it's enclosed spaces that get me. I hate lifts. Especially on ships as I would hate to be in a lift on a sinking ship!

Copt, is it wrong to childishly giggle at having a connection to the IRA via a bin, via morning sickness.

If offered the chemo, and of course no one has actually said I will be offered it, I know I have to try to be here for DD2's big day next June (2014) so I will be snapping their hands off. Didn't someone say there is nothing more frightening than fear itself?

Dh and I have had a clear the air chat re him discussing me without my agreement, I think he gets it. My aunt was, actually she has always been, the closest thing to a mother I had growing up. She was closest to my late Dad in age and my own mum was not put on this earth to have children, so my aunt undertook a lot of my day to day care as a little one.

I may ring her this evening and try to have a long chat with her.

copt at the shock of IRA choosing the wrong bin - but jealous about Star Trek - would very much like to see Bendedit Cumberbun as a baddie (liked Ben Kinglsey in Irony Man)

we are all still in p.j.! school holiday pyjamas untl lunchtime day - and pancakes for breakfast. 'tis truly the sign of decadence

EMIN sorry to hear you're having trouble with sleeping - hopefully you're GP will sort you out. It sounds like a sort of jet lag. When I travel to Australia I usually spend a week or so getting back into a routine and that usually involves dropping off at very odd moments (tho' not with drinks in hand). Perhaps you don't need anything long term, just something to re-jig the body clock. Are you able to exercise - because that can make a huge difference.

I try to keep busy, as far as tiredness will allow, but the spine pain as well as residual pain from the hip pinning operation makes exercise difficult. My physio is coming out tomorrow and she said if I was managing the sticks instead of the zimmer she would try me on gentle exercise.

ps p.j's here too

Earth - serious lack of sleep can do very strange things to you. (remembers hallucinating after a 48hr exercise with no sleep when I was in the TA!)

notJenkins - I'm thinking we might try to avoid the C word - they know that's what my brother had and it will only worry them.

Kurri - if I end up with chemo I hope I'm like you, I had awful MS with both pregnancies, which lasted until about 24wks. I don't want to experience that again (Still can't eat crystallised ginger without gagging, having overdosed when pregnant with DD!)

good luck to all the kids with exams coming up, can't be easy for them with everything else that's going on :(

malt - I've had similar thoughts over the past couple of days, but daren't discuss with DH just at the moment. I just hope I can live to see the kids grow up :(

My great aunt died at 98, having lived independently until she was 96 (went into a home as she was losing her sight, still compus mentis and fit for her age) She hated the home & was just sitting around waiting to die :( I remember her funeral, just me DF & DB there - all her friends were long since dead - she never married - her fiancee was killed in WWI)

DM on the other hand aways said she would die at the same age as her dad - 71 and she did!

I've always said I definitely don't want to live to be very old like DGA, right now I'd quite happily settle for 71!

Betsy what time is your appointment tomorrow, we'll all be thinking about you
I would be quite happy with 71 too. All that's kept me going this last few weeks is that at least it's me that's I'll rather than the children, though when I said that to my mum of course she said she wished it was her
Earth it's horrible to think people are talking about you behind your back, however well meaning. I find it really patronising

You're all quiet this afternoon, maybe busy that's good :)
I've got my car back, mot for another year....
Waiting for my db to come for a cuppa, this is unusual so I must be ill !
Hope everyone's ok, or okish x

I have my mum here looking after me, which is lovely. She has been brushing my hair which I adore. I feel thoroughly pampered.

We've been out geocaching this afternoon and had a lovely time :) Perfect fot taking my mind off things.

My appt is 2pm tomorrow malt, I was just thinking at least this time tomorrow I'll have some idea what I'm up against.

I have done some "sensible" research (only scared myself a little bit!) so tomorrow I might find out some details of tumour pathology (size, grade, if ER+ etc) but the full story (for want of a better phrase) will come from the pathology after tumour removal, is that right?

I have an implanon contraceptive implant, so I think I need to ask if that should come out? (presumably definitely yes if PR+)

On Tuesday the Dr also mentioned they might take another biopsy of a "suspcious area" on one of my armpit lymph nodes - so that sounds like they are concerned about spread to nodes?

I can't help thinking I must have missed this in my monthly check for a while. I was pregnant and/or breastfeeding for almost 4 years continuously. Once I stopped b/f DS (4 years ago) my breasts were quite lumpy. I remember asking HV & she said it was normal for boobs to be different after b/fing, so I thought it was the new "normal" for me. It's only in the past couple of months I've been aware of an area of "hardness" where it seems the lumps have "joined up" on the side of my breast. The Dr said the lump was quite large to have formed in just 2 months (but didn't say how large) so goodness knows how long it's been there....

Betsy I'm new to this too but I had my initial biopsy results in the day which said that it was cancer then had to wait a week for more detailed biopsy results. That told me the size and grade but this can change. You only really get the detailed pathology results after the lump is removed and analysed. So my lumpectomy is next Tuesday ( have waited 4 weeks!) then 2 weeks after that I get the results. I had the merina coil and was told to get it removed as a precaution I still don't know if I'm er+ or not that hasn't been mentioned yet
Don't beat yourself up about not noticing sooner, I know mine was there for a couple of months and should have gone earlier but that's done now.
Best of luck for tomorrow x

Trice hair brushing sounds lovely, very soothing :)

hey bestsy yes avoid dr google - in fact avoid the internet altogether until you know what you are dealing with. As so many others say, internet research is usually several years out of date the it attracts the depressive attention seekers (not mumsnet of course ). I was told all sorts of stuff before my op - there were dodgy bits all over my breast, suspicious lumps etc and they really weren't sure what they were dealing with. Then the pathologist looked at it and bang! had a proper diagnosis and a PLAN. The ER+/- thing will dictate a lot of the treatment. When you have all the info, then you have our permission to google the various cancer websites.

Betsy, if they can get a needle biopsy of your lymph node and it comes back positive (hope not) then they skip the sentinel node biopsy thing with the blue dye and go straight for full node clearance with your mastectomy. It saves you having to have two operations. That is what happened to me.

If they do that then they can't do reconstruction at the same time as it means radiotherapy.

Hope it turns out not to be so bad. I had just finished breastfeeding, I did four years too. It is supposed to be preventative, guess not.

Truce I didn't know that about the node biopsy but it makes sense
Coorong I am guilty of being a depressive attention seeker I will hold my hands up ! But agree best to avoid google
Just had some of that dairy milk with the jelly beans and smarties and popping candy, omg lush!

thanks trice, that makes sense re the nodes.

My knowledge has increased 10 fold in the past two days, but I've always been a "detail person" control freak. My opthamology consultant was so very patient with me and used to give me all the fine detail without asking. (junior Drs tended not to like me 'cos I asked hard questions!) It must be quite a tricky skill to learn to judge if the patient wants to know the minutae of everything or are a "don't tell me just get on with it" person, or anywhere in between.

I've just been reading about the BIRAD score - I was told "highly suspicious" which presumably means I'm a 5, but that still gives me a 5% chance of a negative result, so still a very small chance all ok I guess. I just want to know now...

5% is better than nothing, I would clutch at every straw.

I agree trice

It ain't over til it's over as they say, but it does feel like the fat lady is hoiking up her bosom ready to sing the grande finale ATM!

Massive amounts of chocolate birthday cakes here. And jelly. Will put some on the trolley. Have to go out for a quick bike ride to blow some cobwebs away, have had rather a slow day...

Will be coming down to Dorset for the weekend soon. Dneice has first communion.

At least you'll know tomorrow Betsy hopefully you'll be leaving us, I mean that in the nicest possible way
Are you ok Jchoc ? Birthday cake and jelly sounds lovely but slow day sounds a bit ominous
How's everyone else ?
Watching Peter Andre my guilty pleasure

Gigs sound the klaxon !!!!
Malt likes the King Of The Orange People !!!
She could at least lust after Sir Tom

Had a lovely day .
HND and I went shopping this morning (I bought a lovely pair of coral linen trousers)
Then we went for lunch .

Jane was it your birthday ?

Good luck for tomorrow Betsy
What time is your apt ?

Good luck with your appointment Betsy. I do hope you get good news.