********The 37th Tamoxifen Thread, Fun and Tears in "Cancerland" *****

[Copthallresident]

Trolley Rolled over and "Its a small small world" playing on the ipod on repeat.

Cross-posted with gigs and Kurri, I'm so slow!

gigs shopping sounds good, I hope you get a chance to rest this afternoon and that your wound heals up quickly.

Kurri your notebook sounds fabulous. I've been meaning to start one to years but I've never found a notebook that was pretty enough! bit ridiculous really. My mum has a beautiful notebook that she hasn't used for years but my hints have not worked so far

Ruby You can be sure that, evidence of bad taste as it was booking into Davy Crocketts clash and match caravan we would never buy Disney paraphanalia quickly hides Big Copt's Minnie backpack under Little Mermaid duvet set

KK I love your name, so much I gave it to my firstborn, don't forget the good Katherine's. We were going to name Big Copt Isobel but then when she was born she looked too strong and her own person, more of a Katherine Hepburn. And so she is.... it was our intention to shorten it to Kate too but we never did, she has always required the full gravitas IYSWIM. Very relieved now obviously.....

Puts Reuben's tea loaf of the week Raspberry, white chocolate and hazelnut on trolley to share

Off to Ikea and Chinese Supermarket on North Circular en route to pick up Big Copt's washing luggage. We need tea spoons and down to 2 plastic kiddy cups which we use to measure out the petfood. Also predict will buy a set of scissors......

Oh and Big Copt wants horseballs for lunch , am evilly thinking up equine jokes as I await her getting dressed and applying the eyeliner.....

Also Katherine Parr

Good luck battling ikea. What happens to those scissors? They seem to disappear the minute you open the packet (down to our last pair here and forgot to get dh to get more).

Waves at ruby- leg is ok but issue is its on back of thigh so hard to keep it still (and its on radio bit) so hard to keep healed. Excuse to sit on my backside

I am named after my great Aunt Kate (am officially a Katherine, but have always been Kate). I love Katherine Hepburn, I have all those old films she did with Cary Grant and Spencer Tracy on DVD.

That tea loaf sound like my kind of thing
Actually I am full to bursting with scrambled eggs - made a load for lunch, but DD didn't eat much and I couldn't finish mine, so old lady dog is tucking in to the left overs

Ruby - I started my notebook when I was DX (On the suggestion of someone in our local cancer support centre) but now I use it for any bits of writing/poems/sayings etc. I like, - not just for illness/endurance type stuff. It has moved on with me. I have some stuff in it that I found comforting when my Dad died for instance. I don't keep it in a disciplined way - just jot things down if they take my fancy.

Gig - I should think the back of the thigh is a very awkward place for healing because you have to keep stretching the muscle and skin. Hope it settles soon, - is it something where they keep having to re-do the dressing, or can you deal with it at home?
certainly you must not do anything resembling boring housework, and must remain seated, with feet up drinking [tea] and eating treats (remember I am a qualified from watching Holby City doctor)

Afternoon All

I survived my coffee with the Hairy Handed Truckers
Disappointingly , not one loon amongst them apart from me

Made a batch of delicious home made pesto and pasta for lunch .

So I am delightfully garlicky now

Malt my gp prescribed me some temazepam when I was first diagnosed , which I never took .
I kept them for my exit kit !
It was never a serious thought , so as long as that's the same for you , that's ok .
But if you do start feeling that way inclined , please run it past us or a medic first !!!

Has anyone got any duct tape and a large bottle of gin ?
I'm babysitting for HND tonight

malt - I missed that you had had an occasional 'thought' of the sleeping pill variety. You know that is something that you can talk to your onc or Gp about - it is very common for people who have had a cancer Dx to have those kind of thoughts occasionally (I frequently was asked at the hospital if I ever felt like that) they can do stuff to help you with the down times - I had a bit of counselling before I started my chemo, which I found helpful. All these things are available, - talking therapies, relaxation and calming techniques, as well as thing like anti depressants.

There is no shame in sometimes feeling overwhelmed by this crappy thing that has happened to you, no one really 'copes' (anyone who says they are not utterly thrown by it all is lying IMO) - we just sort of bumble our way though it, - never feel you can't ask for help if you need it - that's what everyone in your healthcare team is there for, to help you through this, - and I hope you know now that we will all hand hold as best we can too xx

hairy handed trucker meet up sounds like fun topsy.
I really fancy pasta and pesto for my tea now, must phone DH so he can get ingredients on the way home, - how do you make your pesto (I generally cheat and use pre bought, but would like to make my own)

Afternoon all I've just waved off my lovely physio lady. She's only bullied/cajoled me into climbing 3 stairs. Bloody 333333333333, that's only 9 away from a full set I have had god-awful back pain for a couple of days now and the thought of using the walking sticks, as she wants me to do, instead of my zimmer was upsetting. As she said, getting the monstrosity up the stairs wasn't likely so sticks it was. It's the thought of a bath, instead of a bed wash that's pushing me and I'm so chuffed with myself.

Good wishes and {{{hugs}}} for any treatments etc today.

Ooh ps, I watched Denzil last night on a pay-per-view thing Flight
Can honestly say it's the only thing I've watched him in I felt he wasn't right for, disappointing

Basil , pine nuts , garlic , olive oil and Parmesan goes in mine kk
But it's the first time I've ever made it !

Earth woohoo on the stairs .
You'll be in that bath before you know it

Well done EMIN - that's good going on the stairs, a bath will be bliss

I saw Denzil on a chat show a few weeks ago talking about that film - was wondering if was any good - I might give it a miss now (was planning to wait until it is out on DVD anyway)

I think I can manage that pesto topsy - sounds lovely.

I have cleaned my kitchen and it looks all sparkly (it won't for long so I'm enjoying it's nice unclutteredness while it lasts)

Sounds lovely topsy, I get sick of the sight of pasta as so often end up making it as a quick tea for the kids but proper pasta is yum. Glad the meet was ok well done for going
Earth well done, imagine that bath and it will all be worth it
Gigs I need to pack my bag soon so thanks for the chewing gum tip I'll be asking over the next couple of days what else I'll need
Hi ruby hope you're ok and I love the Thomas the tank engine story I'll remember that
Thinking of Betsy x
Kurri you are a lovely k not like the others !
Waves at everyone else hope you've all got sunshine like here

Promise if I do seriously think of doing myself in I'll tell someone 1st. It's not a serious thought honestly, just scared of what's coming really. Not just dying though that terrifies me but pain, losing hair, losing independence and just generally being ill and a burden.

Had a lovely day with best friend and her dd, kids playing in the sun, nice lunch and catching up

I will catch up later but back from a loooong day - hospital for 11.20 but not seen until about 12.20 - saw onc understudy who is v nice but I find her less decisive than onc himself- she (understudy) gives too many options and says things like-what would you like me to do ? (as in delay my meds for a week or so to give me a rest) and asks endless questions about the pain in my hip and chest discomfort (on a scale of 1-10 etc how bad is it etc- I find these impossible to answer)
I got quite snappy and tearful as I felt stupid and even worse because dh and T came with me this time,so felt acutely aware of their presence.

Anyway,was sent down for an x ray on hips to check them and all ok, reckon it's arthritis or just wear and tear and walking a lot when v tired.
I told her I get v tired but she says my haemoglobin is perfect,so I felt a bit foolish again- but I relly do feel exhausted sometimes. It was all a bit much. Actually I feel quite wretched and I want to feel happy and jolly for my dad's party tomorrow. I have channelled that into feeling bad about myself and sure that they are very peed off with me and that I've let T see me not being strong or unfazed by my treatment. dang
Sorry - self indulgent rambling
Hope all is well with betsy and sorry to ignore all the other posts,it's just that I have a whole load of party stuff to sort.

I know exactly what you mean malt, it's the fear for me to of people feeling sorry for me.

My aunts called in today and one of them said mid conversation, "well EMIN, I have to say, I think you've been a brick, an absolute brick"

I have no idea what she meant but the floodgates opened and she'll have a job getting my mascara off her coat

It's not like I'm in a choice scenario is it

Large unmumsnetty hug and for you, MAS.

• that sounds like a horrible day, you poor love - It's horrid when a hospital appointment leaves you feeling dissatisfied or short changed on some way. But it's good you got the x-ray done and all was well. i expect having T there you maybe felt a bit pressured to put brave face on everything, - and the wait won't have helped.

But actually in some ways it is good that T sees that there are ups and downs, and sometimes it all gets bit hard to deal with, - you don't have to be unfazed all the time - you are human, and what he will see is that you are getting on with it all despite it sometimes being stressful and unpleasant.

no one at the hospital will be peed off with you - people cry/get upset/ get angry etc etc all the time an oncy appointments, - I have probably done every embarrassing behaviour you can think of of the years in hospitals, - they are used to it, they know people get stressed and frightened and upset. It's part of their job to help you and to understand that you might be feeling low.

Put it behind you and concentrate on your dad's party and having a lovely time xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

bless you both xxxxx

Mas don't worry about showing "weakness" !
I think our nearest and dearest sometimes need to see that we are not handling it 100% of the time .
You can't be strong all the time . In fact I think we need a good melt down every so often to get it out of our systems .

Huge hugs mas, bad day are understandable and the wait certainly wouldn't have helped. Good news about your hip though. I hope you have a lovely time at your dad's party.

Hope betsy got on ok.

sorry not been around much but thinking of you all.

Mas sorry you've had a long and frustrating day. Can you concentrate in getting through the party and give yourself a quiet day afterwards to think about things. Hugs to you x

Oh mas -here. No one will think worse of you. Just focus on party and put rest off.

I am aching again (dh thinks it is payback for overdoing it at Disney ). Hope it's nothing horrible but will get it checked out.

Well I'm back.

Postive as anticipated.

Possibly invasive ductal, possibly invasive lobular, biopsy was inconclusive - but mammo and u/s suggested probably lobular. Apparently I did well to spot it as lobular is often not easy to spot from self-exam

No grading or receptor status as yet.

I need to get my implanon implant out ASAP as a precaution.

Due to my huge (j cup!) and dense breasts they couldn't get clear images or measure size accurately so are sending me for a breast MRI. Appt for that will probably be the week after next unless they get a cancellation they can slot me into. I've also got an appt for more biopsies on Thursday next week. (second small area in R breast and armpit area that looked dodgy on mammo)

Once they get all those results in the team will discuss my case again and decide what next, whether it's surgery first or chemo first. So it's likely to be in about 3-4 weeks time to get to the point of actually getting on with treatment.

They will also do CT, liver and bone scans at some point (panicked at that point - but breast nurse reassured me afterwards that this is standard practice for all and NOT because they are extra worried about secondaries for me)

I feel suprisingly calm about it all, as is DH - I think we had the shock bit on Tuesday, now it's just a case of getting on with the cards I've been dealt. My named breast nurse is really lovely and I know I'll be able to get on with her. :)

We told the kids without going into too much detail or using the C-word (which would freak them out as they know that's what my DB died of in Dec 2011). DD gave me a hug and said she'd look after me and DS said "can I put the telly on now?" so they don't see too bothered as yet!

So it looks like I'll be hanging round here a bit longer if you'll have me?
Of course no one really wants to be here, but seeing as I have to be here, I can't think of a nicer set of ladies to hang out with, you have all been so lovely. :)

If you feel able to, would you mind telling me whereabouts on the journey you all are, I think Malt is about 4 weeks ahead of me, but I'm not exactly sure where everyone else is at (only if you want to of course :) )

Hugs Betsy I'm sorry it wasn't better news x sounds like you did really well to spot it though so well done
Yes I was Dx on 1st may and have my lumpectomy on Tuesday
Just feel whatever you want to feel over the next few days and get through it as best you can. Try and eat if only little bits, be prepared to be fine one minute and sobbing the next. If you need any help with anxiety or sleeping go to your gp. And really don't google as you'll only find worst case scenarios
And keep posting on here as everyone is lovely and helpful xx

well done for getting thropugh all that betsey - and yes,think lobular is hard to spot-so double well done. I think as soon as a plan is in place things'll seem much easier - I think you're doing brilliantly -am sorry you're having to face this but be assured of our hands to hold.
Thanks for margaritas and and everything- I am going to hang bunting and stuff in a mo and immerse myself in party jollity
Rest up gig - you probably walked miles at Disney.
love you all x