***TAMOXIFEN number 19***

[MaryAnnSingleton]

ta daa !

Gig I was astounded that you had to go to get treatment rather than someone come out to you!! You have just had a baby and cancer and a major op fgs. Grr on behalf of you and Sparkle!

Gig, don't apologise, I am on your behalf that they are not taking better care of you. I agree that NHS is resource constrained but, I don't think they should sympathy, understanding and manners constrained, cos last time I checked those things were free to all, even the nhs.

Am trying to calm myself down now, not very successfully yet, but honestly did I really expect any different.

Crikey, Sparkle - no wonder you are feeling so cross. It's just so unfair of the doctors/consultants etc to leave your DS in pain. He is such a brave little lad and you are too for having the tenacity and drive to fight on his behalf. I wish there was something they could do. Have you got a Plan B?

Gig, moan away. You've been treated shabbily when you needed support and I'm amazed they couldn't even organise a district nurse to come to you. Definitely write a complaint or phone someone and get an apology.

Ned, are you a bit less shakey now? I hope so.

Topsy, yay for new phone. That will keep you busy. I hope you manage to sleep better tonight. I found it helped, when I was having dark thoughts, to pick a subject i.e. flowers - then go through the alphabet naming as many as I could in alphabetical order. You can do it for dogs, names, cars, groups, singers. It always worked for me and I don't think I ever got past M or N.

Smee, sorry you're having a wobble too. Re the feet - my pain is across the instep. I did have pains where you describe but that was years ago and the doctor said it was plantar fasciitis which was helped with some really good shoe inserts. It's gone now. I'm laughing at DS standing on the table.

MAS, I hope everything goes okay tomorrow and you get through your reading. I'm sure you will.

Still some chocolate brownies left for the fbs trolley and there is plenty of until I open the later.

Sparkle. Second Opinion surely?? There must be someone better than that idiot.

Gig, I'm outraged for you too - NHS services like that seem to be a lottery. Whenever I've needed care like that it's been fine, but a friend had similar to you.

Figgy, might hot foot it (ha!) and invest in some of those inserts..

Evening all,

Sparkle - so on yours and Ds's behalf, - it is unacceptable that they won't try to do something to help his pain. (I know what you mean about arrogance, - there are some lovely consultants out there, but you definitely still get a few arrogant bastards with a God complex.)

I'm sorry people are having wobbly days - I think the shock of wubbly's death was bound to hit us all. topsy, it is utterly shitty what you are going through, and not the slightest bit selfish that you are hit by sad stories. But remember wubbly's cancer was an very aggressive kind - in many ways a different illness from what you have, - and your last check up was encouraging. - But always here for hand holding and lending an ear if you want a rant. xx

Gig - quite right not to read your report if you don't want to, - I've never read mine in detail, and don't think I want to, - you lose so much control in this process, that you have every right to at least be in control of what info. comes your way.

Smee- I've seen your photos before, but they make me smile - what a handsome little guy junior is, and he always sounds such fun

Ned and 1in8 - hope neither of you feel to rotten today, and are taking things easy.

MAS - is the bit from Winnie the Pooh, the bit right at the end of the book? - I love that - it always makes me cry, it's so true and so beautifully written.

Waving to Figgy, LJ and jane - hope everything is OK with you all today.

Beautiful day today - felt like spring was here at last. I went to yoga, had lunch with a friend, then went to art group where I did a big oil pastel of a very gaudy fish The same friend has decided she is going to teach me to drive, - so next week she's taking me to some off road place and giving me a lesson, she has said if I'm so terrible I scare her, she reserves the right to say 'no more lessons' - she is great fun, - has had about five ops. and weeks and weeks or rads. for throat cancer over the last five years, but is doing well, and just takes the attitude that's she's going to do what the hell she likes now.

Nipping in to say Gig, I had the same issue with district nurses, called them to see if they could check wound, couldn't go out easily bearing in mind vulval surgery , was worried was infected, left them a message on ansaphone which stated they checked messages 3 times a day...that was about 2 weeks ago, no call back nothing. I went to hosp and sure enough was infection. Even if they had said sorry, we can't help I think they should return all calls. They are based 5 mins from my house.
Rant over.
Sorry to see lots of strugglers/ tricky times for some here. I have been to counselling today and would recommend. I just needed to say certain things that i can't inflict on RL people. I'm going again next week. It's free, and at oncology centre.
Sorry not able to comment on everyone, have got behind and have a headache! But love to all .

Smee - my foot pain has been moving around a bit, according to how I have tried to compensate for it by walking on inside/outside of foot etc! Started off with bad heel pain - self diagnosed as plantar fasciitis (sp?) like Figgy. GP agreed, gave anti-inflams etc, then pain spread to bones in top of foot, and sometimes in arch and/or ankle. Apart from sore, my feet feel 'fragile' in that the bones are all crackly - friend was quite shocked when I rotated my foot to demonstrate cracky noises! Keep meaning to go see osteopath/podiatrist nearby but failing to make the appointment. Several of us were discussing foot pain at Monday chemo coffee morning actually, and had same symptom of hobbling when first up in morning, and after resting. But then so does my sister who hasn't had chemo/hormone therapy, just at tail end of menopause and mid-fifties. There. That's confused us!

Oh fuck it !
Internet just ate my post .
Good job too , it was just a self indulgent whinge

Hot milky drink anyone ? Am just about to make one . Had warm bath to try and relax me ready for bed , am hoping warm milk will do the rest for me .

Hope everyone has a good night and all are feeling ok .

Is that your new phone topsy? Yes please for a hot chocolate .

Ooh hot milk with honey please Topsy!

Hope u have a good night's sleep. Try Figgy's excellent suggestion above? xx

I have always sung 'Joseph and his Amazing Technicolour Dreamcoat' - in my head (we did the musical at school aged about 11) in order to get to sleep but after nearly 30 years of doing this I know it so well I can still 'sing' it and worry at the same time

Not new phone yet , arrives sometime tomorrow (alledgedly) gig .

Never put honey in my hot milk before lj , must try that .

Was thinking about figgys suggestions . I am knitting a lot right now , so am constantly counting stitches in my head . Think that might work if I count all my knits to get me over ?
The thing that would help me most would be turning off the internet and actually going to bed !

My big sis would recommend hot milk with honey and a good slug of brandy...

Mmmm brandy. Just got back from the pub. Rather early as best friend stood me up! Hmmm. Will probably go and see her tomorrow instead, but she should have texted me earlier :(

Meant to say I'm off to bed now and will catch up on your posts. Been a non stop day again.

Topsy, I play loads (and I mean loads) of Scrabble on Facebook and have, at the moment, 20 one-day games going on. That means the players have to take their turns with 24 hours so there's no rush and sometimes a game can go on for days. Since my dx last year I've played almost addictively as it manages to take my mind off 'stuff' and focusses me. Sometimes in bed I see Scrabble tiles and make up words which helps me nod off. I find it very therapeutic. If you like word games then give it a go. I warn you though - it's addictive.

Holsten, glad you found the counselling helpful. It's so good to be able to talk things through with someone. I might ask for a referral.

Hello to KK, it was lovely here too this afternoon. The thermometer in the garden reached 20 degrees. Your friend sounds a lovely lady. Good luck with the driving lessons. I'm sure you'll be fine but it's a great idea to go to a big estate for a few practice lessons before you go on the proper roads.

Just having a pre-bed glass of sherry. Night night all. xx

Night everyone- sleep well (pre bed sherry made me smile) Have had a nice literary evening in Winchester listening to one of my favourite authors reading from his new book and taking questions- so obviously had to buy a copy and have it signed
kk -yes,it's the end bit of W the Pooh- oh dear,hope it doesn't set me off-I'm on afterwards I think...
My throat has been spiky all week,so hope it doesn't get crackly tomorrow.

good luck for the reading MAS

thank you

Yes - hope it goes well

Thinking of you today, mas.

Good luck today mas , hope all goes smoothly .

Figgy am planning to get addicted to scrabble and words with friends when my new baby (shiney new iphone) arrives today

I slept much better last night , downloaded a pile of new (amazon top 100 free) books onto my kindle yesterday afternoon . Started reading a book that I was really into in bed last night , totally gaurenteed that I passed out within 10 minutes

Am on Van Watch today . Delivery man is alledgedly bringing me my new phone between 9am and 5.30pm . Please don't let me down Mr Van Driver ...

Hope everyone has a great day today . I am having a glass of milk and a handful of drugs for breakfast today , anyone care to join me ?

I had porridge and hand full of drugs Topsy. Hope van arrives soon.

Good luck from me too MAS x

Good luck today MAS, - I wish you peace and gentleness with your farewells to your friend. xx

topsy - I am of your Kindle, everyone I know who has one loves them.
Hope van arrives with your phone soon - you don't want to be on van watch all day!

Holsten - I'm glad you found the counselling helpful, - I definitely did - although its always hard to explain exactly what happens in counselling I find - but I found I was bothered by things I didn't even realise were the root of some of my fears, and it really helped to talk it all through.

Figgy - I would certainly ask for a referral, if you think it would help. My friend has said she will teach me good confident control of the car off road, then she said I'd have to get lessons for driving in traffic, and learn my highway code. I did start learning about 14 years ago, - then money got tight and it seemed to drop down the priority list, - and somehow never happened. But I'm hoping some of it will come back to me - I can currently move the car up and down the driveway if I remember to take the handbrake off necessary!

morning everyone, - hope you are all feeling a bit better - Ned, Gig and 1in8 and amber if you are around. The two chemo ladies are probably coming up to the low part of the cycle, so maybe feeling a bit rough - take things very easy both of you.

I'll have a bit of that porridge Gig if there's any left - woke up with a very sore throat, so haven't eaten breakfast yet.

DH awake most of the night with tooth pain

thank you all- will take your good wishes with me.
Dad wanted to leave after midday which would mean we were there far too early ! then I panicked in case we'd got the time wrong but after last time we are scared of being late. dad driving this time.
I am not wearing my top after all- I had a bit of a crisis trying to decide what to wear- the stripy top being new has got that worn in feel that I prefer so will wash it first- I just felt too bulky in it and the subsequent two shirts- my shoulders are really broad and my bottom half smaller so I feel top heavy lots of the time -so I spent ages faffing and not feeling right. Anyway,am in my smart trousers,a scoop necked black t shirt that is familiar and my black cardi with a little felt and fabric orange birdy brooch to alleviate the blackness !
gah !
kk driving is such a liberating thing- I do like it - am sure you'll be great !