Pregnant SIL really upset me

[MeghanLove]

Hey guys, new to mumsnet and looking for a good bit of sober advice.
I am the best of friends with my SIL. My husband & her husband are brothers we all live in the same area & very close. We clicked straight away, and instantly became the best of friends.
I am also extremely close to her sister. Together we are like the 3 musketeers. Forever doing things as a threesome. For the past 7 odd years we’ve always been as thick as thieves .... We’ve been each other’s bridesmaids, confidantes, holiday buddies, the list goes on.

My SIL has been trying for years to become pregnant. I’ve sat with her, holding her whilst she cried on the floor desperate for her baby that never came. I’ve listened to all her woes, been to Drs appointments with her, helped her with diet plans, exercises all the above to increase her chances of fertility.

The day finally came after 5years of trying - she was pregnant. To say we were all overwhelmed, excited and totally besotted with this little bundle is an understatement.

I work PT, she’s a teacher. I agreed instantly to watch her baby for two days a week whilst she returns to work. Organised two baby showers during lockdown. Sent her treats in the post to cheer her lockdown pregnancy up, spent a small fortune of baby must haves and nursery furniture, threw a big (Socially distanced) birthday part In my garden... not to blow my own trumpet, but I’ve really gone all out to make her feel special during his time and haven’t regretted any of it.

Everything was going great, until last week she said that only immediate family will be allowed to see the baby after her first few weeks of birth. My husband is the baby’s biological uncle, I am his wife and we have been there every step of this pregnancy- apparently I am not immediate family.
Only my SILs mother, father, sister (my other bestie) her husband and children, brother & her grandparents are allowed.
My husband isn’t allowed nor is my BIL immediate family.
I tried with all my might not to burst out crying & be understanding.
I have children, why are they also not as important as her sisters sons?
Why is my husband not as important as her sister?
Why am I immediate enough family to watch her baby for two days a week whilst she goes back to work, yet not immediate enough to be there in those crucial weeks?

I’m devastated- I know this is an incredibly personal moment for her, but for the love of god, I tested her pee samples for 5 years prior, held her hand during every “negative test”, organised hen parties, weddings, birthdays aghhhh!

I allowed her in the hospital when I gave birth to my daughter (granted I wouldn’t expect to be in the hospital, due to Covid) but to not even be allowed to go to the home window?!

I’m furious, so is my husband. I also don’t think I’m being unreasonable in my feelings. If I was a friend who just popped into her life every other week, then fair enough- but I always run around making sure she & her growing belly are ok.

Please, someone tell me I’m not overreacting here.

Thanks!

Also doesn't seem such a small selection as you mention or sisters kids and husband also being included

Has she actually said that she doesn't consider you immediate family or are you just assuming that's what she meant? I can see both sides- you are understandably upset because it feels like she doesn't view you in the same way you view her. However, maybe she feels like she just needs her closest family around her at the start to help her. We're living in weird times and she is probably just trying to cut the number of people visiting down so that there isn't too much cross contamination between people. I do feel very sorry for your in-laws though if they are being excluded from seeing their grandchild until weeks after the birth.

I’ve got a sister, we are best friends, we also have another best friend; we hang out all the time, go on holidays, our kids see each other 3 times a week, you get the picture ; but when push comes to shove my sister is my sister; if I wanted limited numbers on something she would always come first.

It's clear from your post that you are close friends who have supported each other through struggles so no wonder you are feeling hurt, babies are a joy to be celebrated.

However this baby has happened after a long struggle and she must be feeling terrified to be having it during a pandemic. I think you need to flip the perspective here and not see it as a personal attack/ rejection of you (I really don't think it is. After all, she is trusting you to look after her baby two days a week she obviously thinks your'e fab).

She's bringing home the single most precious thing in her life and aside from all the other ailments that can threaten a newborn she has to contend with Covid too of which the effect on babies isn't all that clear. Also births often aren't straight forward or babies are poorly so not all women are ready to welcome in a fanfare. Some just want some time to adjust to the massive change.

I think you need to dig deep to put your hurt aside for the moment, accept her wishes and maybe ask if you can pop to the window at some point during the first two weeks.

I think most people would understand if you didn't want to offer up your time two days a week now though.

If I were in your shoes I’d feel hurt too however it’s her choice and there’s not a lot you can do especially if BIL is not bothered.

Be the bigger person and let her know you understand. If things are not better after a couple of weeks then you may need to accept you are not as close as you thought and start to slowly withdraw.

Did she actually say you weren’t immediate family or have you assumed it? If she’s said it I would also be withdrawing my offer of childcare.