Pregnant SIL really upset me

[MeghanLove]

Hey guys, new to mumsnet and looking for a good bit of sober advice.
I am the best of friends with my SIL. My husband & her husband are brothers we all live in the same area & very close. We clicked straight away, and instantly became the best of friends.
I am also extremely close to her sister. Together we are like the 3 musketeers. Forever doing things as a threesome. For the past 7 odd years we’ve always been as thick as thieves .... We’ve been each other’s bridesmaids, confidantes, holiday buddies, the list goes on.

My SIL has been trying for years to become pregnant. I’ve sat with her, holding her whilst she cried on the floor desperate for her baby that never came. I’ve listened to all her woes, been to Drs appointments with her, helped her with diet plans, exercises all the above to increase her chances of fertility.

The day finally came after 5years of trying - she was pregnant. To say we were all overwhelmed, excited and totally besotted with this little bundle is an understatement.

I work PT, she’s a teacher. I agreed instantly to watch her baby for two days a week whilst she returns to work. Organised two baby showers during lockdown. Sent her treats in the post to cheer her lockdown pregnancy up, spent a small fortune of baby must haves and nursery furniture, threw a big (Socially distanced) birthday part In my garden... not to blow my own trumpet, but I’ve really gone all out to make her feel special during his time and haven’t regretted any of it.

Everything was going great, until last week she said that only immediate family will be allowed to see the baby after her first few weeks of birth. My husband is the baby’s biological uncle, I am his wife and we have been there every step of this pregnancy- apparently I am not immediate family.
Only my SILs mother, father, sister (my other bestie) her husband and children, brother & her grandparents are allowed.
My husband isn’t allowed nor is my BIL immediate family.
I tried with all my might not to burst out crying & be understanding.
I have children, why are they also not as important as her sisters sons?
Why is my husband not as important as her sister?
Why am I immediate enough family to watch her baby for two days a week whilst she goes back to work, yet not immediate enough to be there in those crucial weeks?

I’m devastated- I know this is an incredibly personal moment for her, but for the love of god, I tested her pee samples for 5 years prior, held her hand during every “negative test”, organised hen parties, weddings, birthdays aghhhh!

I allowed her in the hospital when I gave birth to my daughter (granted I wouldn’t expect to be in the hospital, due to Covid) but to not even be allowed to go to the home window?!

I’m furious, so is my husband. I also don’t think I’m being unreasonable in my feelings. If I was a friend who just popped into her life every other week, then fair enough- but I always run around making sure she & her growing belly are ok.

Please, someone tell me I’m not overreacting here.

Thanks!

@MeghanLove you sound like a lovely friend.

Try not to read too much into it, it’s obviously a much longed for child and she’s freaking out a bit, maybe due to covid? Or simply because she is in love with this little thing growing inside her and can’t bear to share! Just be there and wait until she’s ready. She might not want anyone seeing the baby for awhile, who knows.

The only thing I would say is she’s having you care for the baby but the baby won’t know you... sure will get used to you, but just seems silly to cut you out.

Meanwhile if you need a new friend to fill the gap Lol

I do feel for you, it does seem grossly unfair that she can have all her family there but her husband, the father of the baby, can't have any of his family there. How does her DH feel about that? It doesn't sound very fair. Are your DH's parents allowed to visit?

But, saying that, these are very strange times and people have got to do what they feel comfortable and safe with.

I think you need to take a step back, respect her wishes and try not to take it to heart. She might feel differently when the baby is here. See how things pan out.

I agree with @LillianBland. I understand the whole pandemic baby as I too was in those shoes but the fact she's allowing her sisters husband in takes the cake.. why is her sisters husband allowed but not her husbands brother?

I'd definitely reconsider childcare as it does sound like you're pretty low on the priority list. After that as sad as it is, I would find friends elsewhere and back off. Let her make the first move. Focus on your own family and make new friends. Sadly you've been pretty used. You also can't force someone to want you there when they've just had a baby and it seems you value her much more than she values you. Just let her be and move on.

I would be upset too op.

Thank you for the kind posts.
BIL, hasn’t really said anything.

I don’t want to be there every waking moment, I’ve had children, I know the drill. Maybe come to the window for a little look? I don’t expect hugs and a big “IM HERE” moment.

I’ve done everything she has asked for, the only surprises are the post box candles, wax melts, treats. And that’s only because she rang me & said she was really down and needed cheering up.
I’m gutted some people have said I’m overbearing. If they knew me, they would know that’s not he case at all.

Oh and why is her husband not saying anything about his family seeing HIS baby? He's the baby's parent too. So weird.

To be honest I would step back, others might say give her space but if someone treats you like this I would say she is not the best friend you think she is.

I would also not do the 2 days per week either, let one of her immediate family do it.

I think every new mother experiences that "I don't want to share" moment and perhaps this has an element of this?

I never understand why people just don't come out and ask why though??? Just ask her why you and your DH aren't on the list? Perhaps she has a reasonable explanation?

I don't think you sound overbearing but I've read so many times of people who find out their friendships are worth more to them than the other person and this could be a if her example?

I'd say to her though if you're watching her child from 7 months then the child needs to be settled with you and so early interaction is going to be important

It doesn’t sound like you’ve been smothering to me, just that you e been a good friend.

Your hurt is understandable, you and your husband’s entire family sound like they are being treated awfully. Pregnancy unfortunately sends some people crazy, and the pandemic seems to have done the same, maybe the combination has just had a temporary bad effect on your friend and she will return to the normal world in a few months and hopefully realise how horrible she’s been.

I think it’s ok for you to tell her that you’re hurt, but in a nice way that says you also understand her fear. Depending on her response, tell her she can find other childcare.

SiL isn’t being logical - her sister and brother have the same relationship to the new baby as her husband’s brother (i.e. your husband), they are all biological aunts and uncles.

She doesn't get to play the Covid card when every man and their dog from her side is going.

She's shown you who she is and where she ranks you.

You are a service to her but not somebody to her.

Let it all ride out. Don't send moderate congratulations at the announcement of the birth and then nothing.
Let her come to you.
See if when she does it's a request or a genuine interest.
If she asks you for something again she's probing what you are to her.

Do you really want to commit to watching this kid for so long? That's a lot.

I'm not quite sure what the SIL has done that's so terrible?

She hasn't said she doesn't want the OP to see the baby ever. She's just said that for those first few weeks she wants to just see her family (ie not husbands side other than PIL).

The OP has listed an extensive range of things she does for SIL but presumably it's a reciprocal friendship and goes both ways usually?

All she's asked us for time to bond with her baby and to not be overwhelmed with visitors so has prioritised grandparents and her siblings.

I didn't see my own brother for 2 weeks following my DS birth as I baby had an infection and I was in bits following horrible labour.

OP, I mean this kidney but your post does read very much 'me me me' 'what about me?'. And to say you feel used simply because your SIL wants time to bond with her newborn baby and hasn't prioritised you seems like such an over reaction. You've no idea what worry and anxiety she may be going through preparing for a birth in the middle of all the covid stuff

*kindly not kidney!!

She is using you and you have every right to be angry and sad.
No, you really dont! More likely all the other people jumped in and said they were visiting and shes trying to figure out cutting down numbers, as much because she knows she'll be in bits after having a baby!!! Everyone should be taking a step back

@stayathomer

She is using you and you have every right to be angry and sad. No, you really dont! More likely all the other people jumped in and said they were visiting and shes trying to figure out cutting down numbers, as much because she knows she'll be in bits after having a baby!!! Everyone should be taking a step back

Couldn't agree more!! Sorry but you have no right to be angry

Sorry hit post too soon she probably thought you'd take it okay because you've been so good and you'll be seeing her and the baby so much.

I can see an AIBU coming soon

'AIBU... I am due to give birth imminently. Absolutely terrifying given the current climate and my DH is only allowed in once I'm in active labour. This is our first and we've been trying to conceive for 5 years so I'm already a bundle of nerves.
I've had a lot of requests for visitors once the baby is born but I'm so worried about lots of people coming and going from the house and I'm also conscious I just want time for the 3 of us to have time to be a family and bond
I've prioritised my parents and DH parents and my siblings-I has to cut off the number somewhere and although I'm looking forward to showing off baby to my other best friend (married to DH brother) and everyone else, I just want to have a quiet first few weeks.
However, my BIL and other bestie are furious at not being on the list to come those first few weeks and my bestie is even saying she feels used. She is wonderful and has thrown my parties and cheered me up loads over lock down....but I just want some time for us first.
AIBU to want this time?'

I don't think a single poster would say the above was unreasonable....

@MeghanLove take no notice, you’ve given us a snapshot that’s why it seems full on. It’s not like you did that in 12 months.
Coming to the window sounds a great idea, give her a week or two and suggest that xx

I would maybe re think the helping with free childcare. Not just before she seems to be ranking your friendship as lower than you do, but because this in itself can also become a bug bear in time.

"Besties", "three musketeers", "thick as thieves" - you sound incredibly needy, clingy and controlling.

Take the hint and back-off. You are NOT immediate family. Let the poor woman have some space.

Thank you everyone for the advice.
I’m probably overreacting just because I’m so excited for her and wanted to share this moment like I did with my two, but I know times are difficult so will of course respect her wishes.
Thanks for the comments.

@CurtainWitcher

"Besties", "three musketeers", "thick as thieves" - you sound incredibly needy, clingy and controlling.

Take the hint and back-off. You are NOT immediate family. Let the poor woman have some space.

These are terms we have all come up with when having a laugh together over a glass of wine. Chill yourself Karen.

@BradPittsLeftTit

I can see an AIBU coming soon

'AIBU... I am due to give birth imminently. Absolutely terrifying given the current climate and my DH is only allowed in once I'm in active labour. This is our first and we've been trying to conceive for 5 years so I'm already a bundle of nerves.
I've had a lot of requests for visitors once the baby is born but I'm so worried about lots of people coming and going from the house and I'm also conscious I just want time for the 3 of us to have time to be a family and bond
I've prioritised my parents and DH parents and my siblings-I has to cut off the number somewhere and although I'm looking forward to showing off baby to my other best friend (married to DH brother) and everyone else, I just want to have a quiet first few weeks.
However, my BIL and other bestie are furious at not being on the list to come those first few weeks and my bestie is even saying she feels used. She is wonderful and has thrown my parties and cheered me up loads over lock down....but I just want some time for us first.
AIBU to want this time?'

I don't think a single poster would say the above was unreasonable....

Except Her in-laws are not invited I believe.

Well as a family you dont seem to have been behaving in a very covid safe way with so many gatherings. Maybe she has realised that once her baby arrives she needs to take it a bit more seriously.

Let them have those couple of weeks and then See how you are treated etc before you agree to childcare
Maybe her parents have pressurised her to have her siblings , who knows?
I can understand why you feel hurt though and agree a glimpse through a window wouldn't hurt or put anyone at risk .
Her dh obviously isn't concerned his family aren't included and only really he could speak up for his side.
Confused if both sets of grandparents are included ?