Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Genealogy
Original poster

Pregnant SIL really upset me

55 replies

MeghanLove · 22/08/2020 15:42

Hey guys, new to mumsnet and looking for a good bit of sober advice.
I am the best of friends with my SIL. My husband & her husband are brothers we all live in the same area & very close. We clicked straight away, and instantly became the best of friends.
I am also extremely close to her sister. Together we are like the 3 musketeers. Forever doing things as a threesome. For the past 7 odd years we’ve always been as thick as thieves .... We’ve been each other’s bridesmaids, confidantes, holiday buddies, the list goes on.

My SIL has been trying for years to become pregnant. I’ve sat with her, holding her whilst she cried on the floor desperate for her baby that never came. I’ve listened to all her woes, been to Drs appointments with her, helped her with diet plans, exercises all the above to increase her chances of fertility.

The day finally came after 5years of trying - she was pregnant. To say we were all overwhelmed, excited and totally besotted with this little bundle is an understatement.

I work PT, she’s a teacher. I agreed instantly to watch her baby for two days a week whilst she returns to work. Organised two baby showers during lockdown. Sent her treats in the post to cheer her lockdown pregnancy up, spent a small fortune of baby must haves and nursery furniture, threw a big (Socially distanced) birthday part In my garden... not to blow my own trumpet, but I’ve really gone all out to make her feel special during his time and haven’t regretted any of it.

Everything was going great, until last week she said that only immediate family will be allowed to see the baby after her first few weeks of birth. My husband is the baby’s biological uncle, I am his wife and we have been there every step of this pregnancy- apparently I am not immediate family.
Only my SILs mother, father, sister (my other bestie) her husband and children, brother & her grandparents are allowed.
My husband isn’t allowed nor is my BIL immediate family.
I tried with all my might not to burst out crying & be understanding.
I have children, why are they also not as important as her sisters sons?
Why is my husband not as important as her sister?
Why am I immediate enough family to watch her baby for two days a week whilst she goes back to work, yet not immediate enough to be there in those crucial weeks?

I’m devastated- I know this is an incredibly personal moment for her, but for the love of god, I tested her pee samples for 5 years prior, held her hand during every “negative test”, organised hen parties, weddings, birthdays aghhhh!

I allowed her in the hospital when I gave birth to my daughter (granted I wouldn’t expect to be in the hospital, due to Covid) but to not even be allowed to go to the home window?!

I’m furious, so is my husband. I also don’t think I’m being unreasonable in my feelings. If I was a friend who just popped into her life every other week, then fair enough- but I always run around making sure she & her growing belly are ok.

Please, someone tell me I’m not overreacting here.

Thanks!

OP posts:
TinySleepThief · 22/08/2020 15:50

Honestly from what you've posted you sound completely smothering!

She's asking for a few weeks to get used to being a mum, that's perfectly fine and even more so given the current situation. You're acting like she's saying you can never see her baby. I think you need to take a huge step back and maybe find another way of occupying your time.

VelveteenBunni · 22/08/2020 15:52

Bloody hell let her breathe. You sound really well meaning but I would step back and actually wait till you're asked for help!

AnotherEmma · 22/08/2020 15:57

I disagree with PPs.
I say fuck her and why would you do 2 days a week of free childcare for her when you're clearly so low on her priority list.
Has she done any free childcare for you?

AnotherEmma · 22/08/2020 15:57

PS This thread has ended up in a slightly random place, I advise you to get it moved to Relationships or Chat.

wizzywig · 22/08/2020 15:59

Is it the hospitals rules or her rules?

user1493494961 · 22/08/2020 16:00

I'm sure she'll change her mind but, in the meantime, take a step back and give her a bit of space.

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2020 16:00

Maybe she’s feeling you’ve been a bit much? It sounds absolutely claustrophobic.

You’re totally within your rights not to change your mind about childcare. That’s a big ask for anyone.

Gizlotsmum · 22/08/2020 16:02

Are BIL parents also excluded? Or just you and DH? It does seem odd that it is all her side that is allowed... Have they been out less than your side? Is it a covid concern? She has every right to lay out who sees the baby when but BIL should also have a say, if he has and is fine with it there is really nothing you can do.

rowrowrowyaboat · 22/08/2020 16:02

Well all that sounds very intense! Theres no wonder she wants some alone time with the baby once it comes Confused

AnotherEmma · 22/08/2020 16:03

It's not "time alone with the baby" though is it?! If other family are allowed but not OP.

Original poster
MeghanLove · 22/08/2020 16:05

Reading my post maybe. But everything it comes across that way, but I’m absolutely not smothering. She has asked and been involved in all of this. I’ve asked if she wants a shower, she’s said yes, but wanted two (one for family one for friends) she asked to have the birthday at my house, and asked for me to organise it.
She asked me to help her with the tests. Not the other way around.
I’m very self aware, but don’t appreciate the feeling of being used.

OP posts:
Hercwasonaroll · 22/08/2020 16:06

I can see both sides here. They obviously want to limit exposure to different groups of people because of covid and wherever they draw the line is tricky.

However 2 days a week of childcare is HUGE. Are the other side offering this? I'd triple check all of your facts before making any rash decisions. However I would be inclined to withdraw the childcare offer.

fallfallfall · 22/08/2020 16:06

Maybe she’s been advised about bubble size and needed to pear down a bit?
Relax for now.

PurpleDaisies · 22/08/2020 16:09

Maybe she doesn’t feel able to tell you you’re overstepping into her life?

Original poster
MeghanLove · 22/08/2020 16:12

I want to make it clear, that I haven’t been OTT I’ve just condensed a 7year friendship into a post. Everything I’ve done, she has done for me. I’ve always asked before hand & she has ALWAYS asked me to organise.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/08/2020 16:14

Unfortunately in this Covid world, you have to think about things like how many people see your newborn. I feel really sorry for her and all new parents that they're having to go through that.

If you put yourself in her shoes, I'm sure you can see her thought process: her mum and dad, obviously they need to meet the baby; her sister definitely; can't then leave her brother out because he'll be upset; then the grandparents will need to get involved too. Jesus fuck that's a dozen people and I'm supposed to be limiting it to a tiny bubble! I need to stop there! I know @MeghanLove is going to be gutted but she's such a good, sensible pal I know she'll understand...

It's not a snub. It's just a new mum trying to pick the best way through a frightening time.

omg35 · 22/08/2020 16:17

Having a baby is the only time in your life where you can put your own feelings first and not worry about how it affects everyone else. It's a vulnerable time. I'm on her side. She deserves to put her own feelings first. If this changes how you feel about providing childcare that's up to you but a few days to bond with newborn is not unreasonable

Beachbodylonggone · 22/08/2020 16:19

Tell her on advice from your local council your child minding fees will be x..

Mallysmomma · 22/08/2020 16:23

Sounds as though you value the friendship more than she does. As petty as it sounds; I would actually consider rescinding my offer of childcare as that’s a huge thing to do for someone as doesn’t sound like she deserves it. I could totally get it if she just wanted her parents and sister but I would take the fact she’s allowing sisters husband and children as well as grandparents as a total snub.

GinNotGym19 · 22/08/2020 16:24

She’s only said the first few weeks.
Things are different now, we have to all accept the level of contact people have happy with.
Don’t go mad at her or say anything because itl just burn the bridge, just see how it goes when the time comes.

Venicelover · 22/08/2020 16:24

'only immediate family will be allowed to see the baby after her first few weeks of birth'

What does that actually mean OP?
What exactly did she say?

Hollywhiskey · 22/08/2020 16:24

I haven't held my own sister's baby yet and she's three months old. Anyone being pregnant or having to give birth and look after a newborn in a pandemic is already having a rough enough time and deserves nothing but understanding.
My mum only just held my niece and she'll probably be doing full time childcare. It's not quid pro quo at all, it's just someone having a hard time trying to figure out what's best in (sorry for the annoying phrase but it fits) 'unprecedented times'.

badg3r · 22/08/2020 16:25

Given she has tried for so long to have a baby and we are in the middle of a pandemic and you live with your kids who are (presumably) starting back at school/nursery during cold and flu season, I can understand why she wants to keep her newborn isolated. The baby cuddles will not benefit the baby. The extra stress will not benefit her. It will only benefit you. You need to respect her decision.

LillianBland · 22/08/2020 16:29

I did think you were smothering her at first, but your update would actually suggest she may be your friend, but she’s certainly making sure she benefits from the friendship. Why did she want to use your house? I assume it’s bigger or you were left doing the clearing up.

I’d be hurt by that too and I’d actually create a working from home excuse to no longer look after her child, because she’s treating you as a useful friend, rather than simply a friend. I’m sure someone in her family can look after the child. Wink

AnotherBoredOne · 22/08/2020 16:30

I feel for you.
She is using you and you have every right to be angry and sad.
I would reconsider childcare as I think you will just feel resentful.
If there was a reason for your exclusion then she should have talked to you.