extremely Jealous Sister in Law?

[BellaSing1607]

Hi everyone, im quite frustrated and am losing track of how to deal with things.
sorry for the extremely long message, i had to give a lot of examples so you guys can clearly understand the situation and give relevant advice.

I am originally from switzerland and moved here to london to be with my husband. we are both very young, me being 23 and him being 25 so we did get married quite young which obviously did come with some consequences (not being the most financially stable.) his family offered us to live with them for the first few years of being married so we could save up to buy a house early on in our lives which we totally appreciate and thanks to them we are now able to buy a house in London, which otherwise we could have never dreamed of at this age. The only problem with that is that my husband is the eldest of 4 so the house is quite busy. I do get along with my in laws really well, 3 of his siblings are really nice. but he also has a sister which also happens to be my age (23). ever since i moved here, she never ever did an effort to introduce me to people, to not make me feel so lonely as obviously moving to a different country can be. in fact, most of her friends reached out to get to know me, to the point where they would host dinners for example, and tell my sister in law to tell me to come as well, and i would never receive the invitation. i only happen to find out a day before or after, quite funnily, when the host asks me oh, dont forget about tomorrow, or why did you not come?
she would also invite all the girls over to our house and i would literally be upstairs and could hear them, but she would never call me. at first i used to think that maybe they dont want to get to know me, or they are having private conversations which understandably they wouldnt like to share with a person they do not yet know, but after introducing myself and hanging out with them i can only say they really like me and want to get to know me.

there has been countless incidents where for example we would both be at home bored (for example before i started work) and my husband would be at work, and she would just dress up and leave the house, and then a few hours later post on her social media that she is out with her friends. again i tried to justify why she never asked me to come, by saying that maybe again they want to have private time and it is understandable. however one time she dressed up and got all ready, and then the door bell rang when she was in the toilet so i had to open it and met her friend and sat down with her until my sister in law came down. when i wanted to leave, her friend was like where are you going, i came here to meet you, go on dress quickly and come with us,, really pushing it. clearly my siter in law did not want that to happen, otherwise she would have told me to get ready. there are countless other incidents .

i have approached her multiple times and asked her why she as acting this way, and she would always say, oh i forgot to tell you, oh i didnt know you wanted to get to know them, oh i didnt think about it. countless excuses and every time i would believe her and forgive her.

after approaching her multiple times, she found new tricks of getting ready and dressed up, and on her way out of the door ask me "do you want to come with us" well obviuosly not because it would take me at least 30 minutes to get ready and you guys are leaving now... but just so she can say "i asked you"

now even during corona virus, she came to my door saying hi do you want to go for a walk again dressed up and everything, to which i said no because i had work. 30 minutes later i found out on social media that she went on a walk with 2 of our friends. she clearly never mentioned it because she knew i would come. the problem is my friends always assume that she told me to come but i said no. they rely on her telling me because we live together. other than that we have a group chat where we invite everyone diretly.

anyway after speaking to my husband about it all he came up with is treat her the way she treats you. before you head out say, hi do you want to come with us.

the problem is she has now also started to insult my relationship. if my husband and i would have the smallest discussion, she would say "gosh you guys keep arguing, so annoying" or just rude things like that. or for example the other day she was cooking and my husband went to her, jokingly saying " is this how you make curry, RIP" and she came up with "gosh i feel so sorry for your wife" and i was in the kitchen.... what do i have to do with this?

if my husband and i were in the heat of an argument, she would stirr it and say, you guys keep arguing bla bla, instead of saying something like "calm down guys, its okay" and maybe try to make us laugh like a normal human would.

my husband and i dont argue too much btw, it just seems like she is looking for an excuse to annoy me.

if i was preparing something for dinner like vegetable rolls, she would walk up to her mom saying mom look theyre still empty here... well why did you not tell me? why does she love to make me look bad?

if they make a dish that i dont like, she would be the first one to comment to my husband " what are you going to eat in your house, pasta all day every day" " what are ur kids gonna eat" infront of the whole house.

there is just so many things that i could say but i assume you guys get the point. i just dont know how to handle her anymore.
i dont like to speak to my in laws about it and show her that i care, as i fear it would only make her feel that she is winning and things would get worse.

My husband and i are soon moving out so hopefully things wont be as bad, but what is your opinion on her behaviour?

to those asking, she is single and has never had a partner, dont know if it is relevant.

Yabu. She doesnt owe you anything, she doesnt like you...

You moved into Her home and then you expect to take her friends as well ? She just wants to keep whats hers to herself ... Ive had the same issues with people in the past.

The thing about i feel sorry for your wife is petty and means nothing... Ive said the same to people as a joke.

Also yeah its not up to her to make you feel happy or included.
Your old enough to sort your own life

Also when you are young, there can be an overwhelming desire to show that you are RIGHT and they are WRONG. As you get older (ie have more experience of many different situations and people) you realise that there’s a lot more grey. She might be a bit off sometimes, or a bit rude, but maybe sometimes she’s a person who likes to be independent of what sounds like a large close family. Or have time out. Or bitch about her mum to her bezzie mates without a family witness.

Mmm. Where's the jealousy OP? She's just your husbands sister, she doesn't need to invite you to anything. The only jealousy I spot is yours of her.

I can see it OP, she is purposely excluding you. Trying to keep you at a distance and is passive aggressive. She sounds horrible tbh, it must be hell living with her and I’m glad you have your husband on your side.

The other people posting here saying you are the problem are just saying this because they would also treat other people like this and see no problem.

I think she probably doesn’t like you, she could be jealous, she might feel threatened that you will take these people away from her. To be honest it sounds like psychological torture for you.

Her Mom will know exactly how she is! So don’t worry about that. Her Mom will also see how happy you make her son.

I know it’s difficult, but maybe try to make new friends within the community - maybe those in there thirties with some other commonality e.g maybe you are both Doctors or lawyers etc. She will never change, but she might come back to use you when she needs you. Don’t be fooled. Be cordial and do your own thing. I hope you don’t feel too isolated, it sounds really hard.

cz are you having a laugh? Psychological torture! To not be invited out to parties?!......

And that is some bat-shit amateur psychoanalysis there too! She will never change, but she might come back to use you when she needs you. Don’t be fooled.. Her Mom will know exactly how she is! You have read a LOT into someone not wanting their sil to be part of every aspect of their life!

she said shes originally from Switzerland in the op.

No, she said she grew up in Switzerland, but that her origins are somewhere far more distant, the same as her SILs, and that there's a small community of people of that nationality in London, which is partly presumably why she feels entitled to be included in everything (though after a full two years in London, I tend to feel that the SIL has done her duty there...)

As an aside...

You might want to get this moved to Relationships or AIBU? as Family History is more for people trying to trace where their great-great-great aunt Berenice was born.

You need to make your own friends, by the way.

She's just your husband's sister. She doesn't need or want to be your friend. It must be tough for her that you are living in her family home.

You need to step away and don't rely on her. ( By the way you sound like you are the jealous one, not the other way around).
If these people are genuinely your friends, ask them to invite YOU personally, and do not rely on invites being passed on via her.
Make your own friends and do your own things. Perhaps now is the time to consider moving out?

I have lived with a relative of my DH's (whom I adore) for three years. I didn't know her well before she arrived as she came from another country. Do you know how hard it is when another individual comes into your family dynamic? Everything changes and it is hard.

You have been there for two years and she probably needs a break from you. I will take your example of the walk from her perspective. 'Bella, do you want to come for a walk?' 'No thanks, I'm working'. SIL thinks, bet she would've come if I said the girls were coming, she clearly likes them more than me as she won't come unless the others are there.

You sound like you are smothering her and gloating that you are the married one which is probably a bit insufferable. Sorry, hard to hear but I don't think you've given her many allowances or slack. Also it is your husband's responsibility, not your SIL, to ensure you feel welcomed and integrated.

The comment about the curry and the wife just sounds like British humour to me and not an insult to you at all. In fact I'd say she was sticking up for you!

On the upside I think things will be much better when you have moved out and put some space between you, it will be much more natural.

OP, even people who adore each other need space away from each other. You and your SIL clearly aren't great friends - can you imagine how she feels? Someone joins her family, and moves into her home, and then joins her social circle - she can't get space away from you. You need to do more to be independent of her and build your own life, rather than tagging onto hers. You might find that that bit of space helps to improve your relationship, as well, once you're no longer so on top of each other.

You’re moving soonish, so mostly grit your teeth and focus on that.

You sound warm, generous and kind.

Your SIL sounds mean and jealous. She sets you up for a fall every single time

Stop covering for her, if someone says “oh aren’t you coming?” Reply “I’m sorry, didn’t know anything about it!”

If they say “oh but i asked SIL to ask if you can come” reply that “oh SIL never passes on invitations until the moment she’s out the door so i can’t come. If you want me to come to anything, message me directly or I won’t hear about it until it’s too late.”

Stop letting her keep this false image of a decent human being. She’s not.

Oh ... and invite these people out yourself and cut SIL out.