extremely Jealous Sister in Law?

[BellaSing1607]

Hi everyone, im quite frustrated and am losing track of how to deal with things.
sorry for the extremely long message, i had to give a lot of examples so you guys can clearly understand the situation and give relevant advice.

I am originally from switzerland and moved here to london to be with my husband. we are both very young, me being 23 and him being 25 so we did get married quite young which obviously did come with some consequences (not being the most financially stable.) his family offered us to live with them for the first few years of being married so we could save up to buy a house early on in our lives which we totally appreciate and thanks to them we are now able to buy a house in London, which otherwise we could have never dreamed of at this age. The only problem with that is that my husband is the eldest of 4 so the house is quite busy. I do get along with my in laws really well, 3 of his siblings are really nice. but he also has a sister which also happens to be my age (23). ever since i moved here, she never ever did an effort to introduce me to people, to not make me feel so lonely as obviously moving to a different country can be. in fact, most of her friends reached out to get to know me, to the point where they would host dinners for example, and tell my sister in law to tell me to come as well, and i would never receive the invitation. i only happen to find out a day before or after, quite funnily, when the host asks me oh, dont forget about tomorrow, or why did you not come?
she would also invite all the girls over to our house and i would literally be upstairs and could hear them, but she would never call me. at first i used to think that maybe they dont want to get to know me, or they are having private conversations which understandably they wouldnt like to share with a person they do not yet know, but after introducing myself and hanging out with them i can only say they really like me and want to get to know me.

there has been countless incidents where for example we would both be at home bored (for example before i started work) and my husband would be at work, and she would just dress up and leave the house, and then a few hours later post on her social media that she is out with her friends. again i tried to justify why she never asked me to come, by saying that maybe again they want to have private time and it is understandable. however one time she dressed up and got all ready, and then the door bell rang when she was in the toilet so i had to open it and met her friend and sat down with her until my sister in law came down. when i wanted to leave, her friend was like where are you going, i came here to meet you, go on dress quickly and come with us,, really pushing it. clearly my siter in law did not want that to happen, otherwise she would have told me to get ready. there are countless other incidents .

i have approached her multiple times and asked her why she as acting this way, and she would always say, oh i forgot to tell you, oh i didnt know you wanted to get to know them, oh i didnt think about it. countless excuses and every time i would believe her and forgive her.

after approaching her multiple times, she found new tricks of getting ready and dressed up, and on her way out of the door ask me "do you want to come with us" well obviuosly not because it would take me at least 30 minutes to get ready and you guys are leaving now... but just so she can say "i asked you"

now even during corona virus, she came to my door saying hi do you want to go for a walk again dressed up and everything, to which i said no because i had work. 30 minutes later i found out on social media that she went on a walk with 2 of our friends. she clearly never mentioned it because she knew i would come. the problem is my friends always assume that she told me to come but i said no. they rely on her telling me because we live together. other than that we have a group chat where we invite everyone diretly.

anyway after speaking to my husband about it all he came up with is treat her the way she treats you. before you head out say, hi do you want to come with us.

the problem is she has now also started to insult my relationship. if my husband and i would have the smallest discussion, she would say "gosh you guys keep arguing, so annoying" or just rude things like that. or for example the other day she was cooking and my husband went to her, jokingly saying " is this how you make curry, RIP" and she came up with "gosh i feel so sorry for your wife" and i was in the kitchen.... what do i have to do with this?

if my husband and i were in the heat of an argument, she would stirr it and say, you guys keep arguing bla bla, instead of saying something like "calm down guys, its okay" and maybe try to make us laugh like a normal human would.

my husband and i dont argue too much btw, it just seems like she is looking for an excuse to annoy me.

if i was preparing something for dinner like vegetable rolls, she would walk up to her mom saying mom look theyre still empty here... well why did you not tell me? why does she love to make me look bad?

if they make a dish that i dont like, she would be the first one to comment to my husband " what are you going to eat in your house, pasta all day every day" " what are ur kids gonna eat" infront of the whole house.

there is just so many things that i could say but i assume you guys get the point. i just dont know how to handle her anymore.
i dont like to speak to my in laws about it and show her that i care, as i fear it would only make her feel that she is winning and things would get worse.

My husband and i are soon moving out so hopefully things wont be as bad, but what is your opinion on her behaviour?

to those asking, she is single and has never had a partner, dont know if it is relevant.

Gosh you sound really annoying OP and are way too obsessed with her

You are making a far bigger deal of this. I really can't see much wrong in what she has or hasn't done. Freeloading in her house means she is never without you around and, if she doesn't like you, that has to be stifling for her.
You worry about you and stop trying to force a relationship that isn't there.

And where the hell do you get "extremely jealous"?

Have you considered that YOU may be the issue here?

Does it matter what others think of you if you arrive separately. You need to ask your friends to invite you places not through her, make light of it if you want "oh she's always so busy and forgets to tell me can you make sure you text me too". Otherwise if they're going through her solely I'd assume they are her friends and just being polite to offer to include you.

I'd honestly just leave her to her games, so what you want and feel right. If it were me I'd still invite her and ask if she wanted to travel together etc because I'd rather be the bigger person, whether she reciprocated or not because at least I could hold my head up high knowing I was being decent.

I think this situation will resolve when you move out, or she moves out.

You live in her home, and she’s expected to share her friends with you as well as her living space and her family, at a time when she wants to be leading her own life. Perhaps there is quite a lot of expectation / pressure on her from family / community to include you when sometimes she just doesn’t want to. I’m not surprised she’s fed up.

It’s not your fault that you are on this situation but cut her some slack and try to be understanding of how your arrival might have impacted her life.

She doesn’t want to. It doesn’t matter what her reasons are or if you think she’s unreasonable, she just doesn’t want to. She wants to be her own person and not have you come as a pair. Therefore you need to contact these people, ensure you are invited on events, invite them to the house separately etc. The more time you spend complaining and getting upset, the less time you are spending changing the dynamic. Your choice now.

You sound like extremely hard work.

if people really wanted you there, they would invite you directly. Not though someone else.

The arguing, yes I would find it annoying living with a married couple who argue in common areas.

It may be cultural, but comments about 'what are you going to eat?' Is the sort of thing people living in the same house may say. Comfortable enough to say, probably wouldnt say to someone they are living with. Families all living in the same house say all sorts of shit to each other.

The comment about 'i feel sorry for your wife', wasnt a dig at you. You husband came in and made a rude comment (as above, I bet he wouldn't say that to someone not his sister) she replied with the fact that she felt sorry for his wife having to put up with him. It was a dig at him, for making a shitty comment. She probably thought nothing of it.

Siblings often make digs at each other and dont take offense to each other.

I think there's some cultural issues at play. But you think she has certain obligations because you married her brother. You also don't like their dynamic. Your husband clearly takes part in having digs at each other. Thats their dynamic. You don't seem to like that, even though your husband is part of it. You seem to want a close relationship with her. She doesn't.

That may change when you move out. I really wouldn't want to live with someone and have to socialise with them all the time. When there is space between you, it may help. But for now, you need to accept its how it is.

Hm, are you guys not under lock down?
Assuming UK, we were not supposed to go out and meet people for 2 months now.
Am I missing something or this was not valid for certain communities?

I would be polite to her but begin making plans with people on your own. Once you move out and life becomes less restricted you can invite other couples to dinner and begin making friends within the community organically without her. Volunteer work could help you meet other women and give you time to know them without her involved.

She probably is jealous of you and is definitely a bit childish. But she’s your SIL and I think you should try to overlook her bad behavior. Do what you can to limit her ability to make you feel badly. Hopefully she will grow up, find her own footing and grow out of it.

None of this has been happening during lockdown, has it?
There shouldn’t have been invitations or visits at all.
I’m confused to be honest.
Are you working OP?

I don’t think it is the sister in law who is jealous.

Sorry OP but you’re coming across as really bratty and petulant. You’ve moved into her house, for years now. She doesnt actually owe you anything. Nor does she sound jealous of you in the slightest. She sounds quite sick of you to be honest and just wants to have her own life. She has absolutely no obligation to invite you anywhere. Take the hint!

If you have your own circle of friends, just go out with them when you’re bored and leave your SIL alone. From the information you’ve given here, you sound like the problem, not her.

This is a bit odd and contradictory,

It seems you have met all these people, and you say you’d have become friends anyway, because they are married to your husbands friends, but you have not become friends and after two years are very reliant on your sister in law including you.

After two years it would indicate the issue is not the sister in law, it is you. If you were as popular as you think you would not be reliant on her, I’m sorry but it’s been two years now, you should not be still so reliant on her. You’d have your own friendship circle and invites would come direct.

It is made more complex by the fact you dislike her and are jealous she has friends and want to be included in her social circle.

I note when she asked you for a walk you declined thinking it was just her, but would have jumped at it if you knew her friends were going and are annoyed at her that she didn’t tell you it wasn’t just her.

It looks like you’re looking for someone to blame, and you need to take some personal responsibility here. I know it’s hard to think the problem is you and it’s much easier to believe it’s someone else’s fault, but the cold hard truth is you have met all these people and they are not directly involving you. People you would expect to be friends with Ie your husbands friends wives, you are not.

Instead of focusing on your sister in law has to invite you wherever she goes, and your envy of her, focus on why these people after two years still don’t wish to directly involve you.

OP is there a cultural dynamic here where traditionally she's expected to include you in social events because you're part of the community, a bit like what you did when she visited you? I understand that well, if that's involved and if so, I'd suggest you look at this aspect as her being British and not following your shared culture's norms. That might make it less painful/rude, even though she's not being particularly nice.

It's fair to say, however, that people don't usually live together and socialise together. And if I suddenly started getting "oh and invite
Bella" or "make sure you tell Bella" when I arranged to meet up with a group of friends, and I was living with Bella, I'd start to get fed up.

Whatever is going on though, just make sure the people you want to meet up with have your number. Tell them you'll be moving out soon (which you will if you have enough to buy a house) so they need to start getting used to messaging you directly - in a friendly, jokey way.

Don't spend your time thinking about what or why SIL is doing any of this. If she's behaving badly that reflects badly on her, not you. But that goes for you too, so don't her her behaviour influence yours. Be yourself and just literally stop thinking about what she's done recently.

Btw at 23 if I was still at home and lived with a married brother plus his wife it'd have been annoying. If getting married is seen as a very good thing in your community then she may be feeling a bit stressed by not being married - even if she doesn't want to, just because you're the same age and she feels compared by others in the community. Again though, just don't spend any time thinking about it. If she feels anything about it, that's her issue, not yours.

Sounds like you need to move out as soon as you can though.

You're not coming across well op. Do the petty, if you want to organise something with her friends use the group chat so she is included to. I think you should keep making the effort to ask if/how she is getting to an event. Dont try and exclude her from her own group. If your SIL is as horrible as you make out do not sink to her level

To be honest, it does sound like her nose has been put out of joint by you turning up to live in her house, and be part of what she sees as her community (even though it is also culturally yours), and be friends with her friends from that community.

She may well be jealous in that she doesn't like that you seem to be popular with her crowd - or she may just not like you very much, for whatever reason.

Either way, it seems unlikely that her behaviour is going to change when lockdown lifts, so if I were you I'd do as your husband suggested and just make your own arrangements. If she ASKS if you're doing X or Y, then of course tell her because it would be churlish not to, and you've no need to stoop to her level in that respect - but you don't HAVE to invite her along to every social thing that you're included in, or arrange.

I would also have a quiet word with a couple of the girls in your community to let them know that you're not getting any secondhand invitations - make sure they all have your contact details and ask them to let you know directly as your SIL keeps forgetting to tell you (kinder than suggesting it's anything meaner than that).

Hopefully once you move out into your own home things will improve - but even if they don't, it won't be as obvious to you as you won't be there to notice.

It sounds to me that she feels a bit threatened by you, but try and have a bit of understanding. If she has been the only daughter she may well be resentful. Try and make your own friends.

You married her brother and not her. You need to accept that she doesn’t want you involved in her social life. Just make plans with the people in your community separately.

Agree with everyone else, make your own friends and social circle.

The bottom line is you dislike each other. That must be very difficult living together under those conditions, to then have to take the person you dislike or dislikes you out with you where ever you go, and never get a break would be hell.

You’ve clearly not made your own friends and of course you shouldn’t try to steal her friends and exclude her, it won’t go well for you, they will dislike you for it.

You need to find your own friends. This is not about “community” . These are her friends, doing normal things friends do together. They are not community events, She deserves to be able to have time with her mates without having to take you with her. Because it’s been too long now. You need to make your own way, with your own friends. Not hers.

She doesn’t like you, doesn’t want to be your friend, and doesn’t want you muscling in on her friendship group. You need to get your own life.

After two years, people know your not being invited by your SIL, you should by now have your own special friends, who invite you to events.
You say you get WhatsApp invites, so why don't you just ask friends to meet there, I bet SIL doesn't want you over hearing her chatting to friends as she knows you will tell her brother, also she is single, why do you want to be part of a group of single women?

we are both very young you don’t say? You sound about 11.

I don’t think they are very young, I think the op is about 25 or 26.