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Gardening

Find tips and tricks to make your garden or allotment flourish on our Gardening forum.

Original poster

Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

487 replies

florentina1 · 24/04/2023 10:10

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

OP posts:
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7
ClumpingBambooIsALie · 27/04/2023 00:32

Had to google bandicoot as the only one I've heard of is Crash… Blush

Having googled: those things are fucking adorable.

CallHerJohn · 27/04/2023 00:37

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 27/04/2023 00:32

Had to google bandicoot as the only one I've heard of is Crash… Blush

Having googled: those things are fucking adorable.

They are. They hop too! Hence me not calling it a bastard, no matter how many holes it digs...

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/04/2023 09:30

Lovely13 · 26/04/2023 21:04

Privet hedges that surround front and back. Need constant trimming, are unproductive and not even attractive.

Be thankful you don’t have hawthorn. Actively hostile

IHeartGeneHunt · 27/04/2023 09:38

I'm going to add borage, I had one plant from a neighbour last year and now there's hundreds.

TheOrigRights · 27/04/2023 09:48

IHeartGeneHunt · 27/04/2023 09:38

I'm going to add borage, I had one plant from a neighbour last year and now there's hundreds.

Oh but it's such a lovely shade of blue. The fields of it look so pretty.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/04/2023 09:51

TheOrigRights · 27/04/2023 09:48

Oh but it's such a lovely shade of blue. The fields of it look so pretty.

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And it outgrows less attractive weeds, so it's good for the lazy gardener.

InAFunk100 · 27/04/2023 09:52

And the bees just love borage...and it's pretty easy to spot young and weed out.

Picklewicklepickle · 27/04/2023 12:26

Oh bastard blackbirds, I love them and put out bird food but for the love of god please stop chucking my bark mulch all over the lawn and give the new plants a chance to settle

IHeartGeneHunt · 27/04/2023 14:54

Borage is pretty, and bees do love it, so I'm letting some stay.

GrouchyKiwi · 27/04/2023 16:10

Borage is also great in a salad. Adds a bit of colour interest and the flowers taste peppery. Just remove the fluffy backs first.

Peachypips78 · 27/04/2023 18:57

@WindUpPenguin It was my absolute fav book as a child. I do like salmon pink geraniums like Loveday! I would have called a daughter that if I could have got away with it.

SmurfHaribos · 27/04/2023 22:36

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 25/04/2023 07:20

For next time, just know that nasturtium leaves are edible, and eat them into submission.

I would like to put the flowers to eat in a salad but as they are always completely covered in tiny black beetles I never get the chance.

SmurfHaribos · 27/04/2023 22:54

Fences - I much prefer a hedge for all the wildlife.
Plastic grass - a crime against the climate.
Wind chimes - a crime against humanity’s sanity.
Bronze grasses - look dead before they are even planted.
Spanish bluebells - because I love the native bluebells so much and the Spanish invader is threatening it.
Garish bright yellow daffodils- I like the smaller, delicate Lent Lily.
Bear’s Britches - because it looks scary like something from War of the Worlds.
Red Hot Pokers - because they are flowers of the devil.
Begonias - because they are like some kind of fake, plastic surgery- trout-pout social media influencer.

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 27/04/2023 23:02

SmurfHaribos · 27/04/2023 22:36

I would like to put the flowers to eat in a salad but as they are always completely covered in tiny black beetles I never get the chance.

Show quote history

Extra crunch 👍

charabang · 28/04/2023 00:27

Vinca, elephants ears and lysmachia. Hate them all. And heathers...they belong on a moor.

Mrsgreen100 · 28/04/2023 12:29

Bloody knicker pink cherry trees in the country side , they just look wrong
and forsythia, horrible yellow stuff
oh and oil seed rape as a crop is the devils work
also bedding plants , on roundabouts so wasteful, so good to see more environmental
perennial schemes now

ClumpingBambooIsALie · 28/04/2023 12:42

oil seed rape as a crop is the devils work

With you there 100%. I notice it when driving to see relatives at that particular time of year. Somehow, it manages to get through every aircon and climate control system, through every pollen filter, even if I hit recirculate at the first distant glimpse of that lurid, bilious yellow. So I turn up on my loved ones' doorstep with face like a haunted bouncy castle inflated with gunge, honking into tissues, sniffing, squinting, blinking, sneezing, and generally giving the impression that I'm Snotdemic Patient Zero.

On the other hand, rapeseed oil has a glorious fatty acid profile while offering a high smoke point and a neutral flavour, and I wouldn't be without it in the deep fat fryer kitchen, so, swings and roundabouts?

SmudgeButt · 30/04/2023 08:42

Bastard tomatoes. I've tried! Believe me I've tried!!! I've even listened year after year to bastard friend helpful giving the same song and dance about how often to fertilise and trim, blah blah blah. I've bought good quality plants, I've bought cheap ones from Lidl. I usually get a total of 3 tomatoes from 6 plants. Now I just buy them nice and ripe from Tesco.

Xyyxxx · 30/04/2023 09:53

Perhaps it could meet with a nasty accident. Fire, theft, vandalism - that sort of thing

JDEE72 · 30/04/2023 10:01

Wind chimes, and bastarding ornamental grasses. They’re ugly, messy, full of dead leaves and spiders.

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/04/2023 10:04

Mrsgreen100 · 28/04/2023 12:29

Bloody knicker pink cherry trees in the country side , they just look wrong
and forsythia, horrible yellow stuff
oh and oil seed rape as a crop is the devils work
also bedding plants , on roundabouts so wasteful, so good to see more environmental
perennial schemes now

“Knicker pink”? I don’t have any knickers that colour, do you?Grin

You could add bloody great King Alfre daffodils along country roadsides.

TheChosenTwo · 30/04/2023 10:07

Rattan furniture! I don’t know why I hate it so much but I do 😂

Fruitloop34 · 30/04/2023 11:06

😂🤣

Magpiecomplex · 30/04/2023 11:22

In a change to sycamore seedlings, sodding ash seedlings! They pop up all over the place! Also heucheras, which are so ugly I will never give them garden space.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2023 12:19

imayhavelostmymarbles · 26/04/2023 21:32
MrsSkylerWhite · 24/04/2023 10:34

Bastard sycamore seedlings. Thanks, neighbour 🤬

“Could not agree more. Can frequently be heard muttering swears while weeding them out.”

If I hadn’t spent countless days pulling them up for the past 14 years, I swear we would be surrounded by a sleeping beauty impenetrable forest now.