Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

Bastard wisteria…hate it, ugly bastard looking thing 😡😂

Verbena Bonariensis. Every bloody garden programme recommended it for ages. You not possibly have a garden unless this gangly f@@k ugly weed was dominating it.

We are outside every evening getting excited about all the buds on our wisteria. 😄

We live in a white house so it looks lovely. We didn’t plant it that long ago, but it’s gone mental. I’m fretting about late frosts.

I love my Wisteria. Admittedly, it is ripping my fence apart, but the flowers are beautiful 😮

Mine too, we have it all round the house and it’s got hundreds of buds on it, some just coming into flower now , it’s going to look spectacular.

but you need to be careful with it , ours needs chopping back constantly during rhe summer, or it would literally take over the house.

Either I need you or you need me! I love minty drinks in summer but have always been warned to not plant mint in beds as it will always roam free. Have also been told mint is very hard to kill. Ummm. I plant mint in pots - it never survives more than 4 weeks!!!!

Bastard camassias! They spread via seed and are uncontrollable. The bulbs are so deep you can't dig them out. They are pretty, esp blue ones - but I've failed at trying to contain them by deadheading in good time, so am now resorting to weedkiller .

Also bastard elephant ears. I think you can get some nicer ones these days, but my manky boring ones with tiny flowers and huge spreading black bits are a nightmare.

Plus of course dandelions........

Wait, you can get high off that stuff, can't you? Or is that a different morning glory?

Oh yes, and bastarding celandines! Never had any in previous gardens so when we moved here and I found some funny blobs under the soil I actually replanted them....! Now I know better of course, but this time of year they have taken over my entire lawn and beds. Hate them with a passion.

And forget me nots. They are pretty when in flower but then turn into disgusting manky grey and dusty looking seed spreaders. I always pull them up long before they get to flowering.

LOL, my bastard across-the-street neighbor who feels free to come in the yard when I'm there and critique every square inch of it. The plants, I can deal with.

Amazed nobody has mentioned buddleia. We didn’t plant it, it seeded itself over the fence, and put down such strong roots the patio had to be relaid. We practically needed Napalm to clear the fucking stuff.

Bastard cotoneaster. It comes up everywhere and ends up looking like giant spiders. Bastard birds love its berries so I can’t get rid. And bastard Lady’s Mantle - whatever that is supposed to mean. I rip the stuff out but it just keeps coming back… grrrrrr evil bastards

@Starcatty
Exactly the same -2 lots , sounds like we should count our blessings

The bastard Sumac Tree which DH planted. I especially asked him not to as they grow so bloody quick and are always growing up suckers. Now half the patio is in shade and there are suckers everywhere...

My NDN is very fond of hanging over the wall to tell me that my grass needs cutting and that my garden will never be perfect.
I have explained that not everyone likes their plants in straight rows with a forty seven inch gap between each one but it fell on deaf ears.

Bloody wind chimes!

Could you knock the table part off and fix it to fence using wire or similar - less obvious then

Sorbaria suckers like mad - keep it in a pot. It has red/gold leaves shaped like rowan leaves.

WarningToTheCurious thank you, I can stop blaming myself now

Well having gone out to have a look at the plants in beds at the edge of our patio and a couple of roses in pots on the patio this morning that had loads of buds the other day I am adding bastarding deer to my list of things I don’t want.

We are quite rural and get deer in fields at the back a lot and they come into the garden which we were quite excited by when we moved here two years ago. So far we have had to replace three young cherry trees along the front drive that they ruined and last year they kept nibbling the buds and flowers off plants we had planted in new beds. And my roses.

Now aiming to concentrate on flowers they don’t like. Little sods.

Photo of said deer taken a few weeks ago. (Garden is a work in progress and next door is an overgrown wilderness.)

Ah I love my wisteria, I say mine it’s about 30 years old so was here long before we moved in but now I know how to manage it it’s looking great, the buds are almost starting to open so I’m excited. We get random people taking pictures of it 🤣 There’s a piece of the old iron railings stuck in the trunk of it where it just grew through it.

It is like an invading alien though and you have to keep on top of the bastard whippy shoots or they will come through your window and strangle you in your sleep.

Art. I hate art in gardens. Everything from resin hedgehogs from the garden centre through to Henry Moores outside stately homes. I hate all of it.

The only exception is the water buffalo bronze in the sunken garden at Lotherton Hall, because I used to sit on it as a child when I visited with my grandparents, so have fond memories. That can stay.

Anyone that has wind chimes if they have neighbours should be shot.

Spanish Bluebells.
With their thick stems and sticky up heads - coming over here cross breeding with our natives.
They can't even be arsed to smell halfway decent.
Bastards.