Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

My NDN is very fond of hanging over the wall to tell me that my grass needs cutting and that my garden will never be perfect.
I have explained that not everyone likes their plants in straight rows with a forty seven inch gap between each one but it fell on deaf ears.

How very dare you do your garden to your own taste and not theirs!

Bastard bastard male's tail that grows everywhere, and since it's been around since the time of the dinosaurs I don't have a hope in hell of getting rid of it. (I have a sneaking admiration for its persistence.)

Don't get the gladioli hate...I love the candy coloured ones for cutting for the house so grown them at the allotment - wouldn't have them in a border. But in the border at home I've got some classy looking (in my opinion) deep purple ones and some lime ones. They provide height, are supported by other plants so they don't topple, and the bees love them.

Delphiniums - love them but never get anywhere with them coz slugs.

@Sagittariusrising @WarningToTheCurious I'm there with you on the Japanese anemone. Bastard thing is EVERYWHERE, and every single bastard year I attempt to dig it out in the mistaken belief that it will weaken the bastard plant, and every bastard year it comes back utterly unshaken. It's only saving grace is that it's about the last thing flowering in my garden in the autumn. Wishy washy mauve bastardy flowers.

@Teenagehorrorbag I have come to peace with my celandines. I tried to limit their attempts at world domination, but realised that it was a lost cause. Not least because the first year, I put the knobbly bits on the compost heap... bloody disaster.
At least they're only about for a few weeks, then they die back and you can pretend they don't exist for the rest of the year.

@Peridot1 More pain I share. We've just put up a deer fence at the bottom of our garden. They particularly love tulip flowers (only the flowers, they don't bother with the rest natch), and usually about 1 day before the flower is going to open. Just as you're watching that new tulip you planted 5 months earlier with the promise of spring in your heart... bastards

I'm at peace with my celandines too, but now also have ivy leaved speedwell. Only good side is that there’s literally no bare soil visible anywhere in the garden

At least mine has the decency to provide lots of white flowers.

I have three, planted in three different corners of the garden. I think they’re aiming to converge in the middle and take over the lawn before advancing on the patio.

Gnomes.....why do people love them?

Euphorbia, has spread to all my neighbours’ front gardens, they haven’t complained. Sycamore seedlings: very crafty, hide themselves in my pots then when they get to 3 inches or so try to resist my heaving them out.

Neighbours (shared garden alas)

Ducks for cover 😳

Would've have thought something like creeping thyme would be better for cover. Ducks tend to move.

Look at this bastard Spanish Bluebell that is growing out of the bastard concrete 6 ft down in the recess for my basement window (that you cannot easily access)

It's just mocking you now.

A bit late to add but Jerusalem Artichokes. Ten foot stems, deformed tubers that are a bugger to clean and even after totally clearing the veg beds, they reappear every year.

Only just joined this thread but if anyone hasn't mentioned wind chimes yet, please allow me.

Has anyone mentioned double bastard slugs?😡

Oh yes, same here! We get normal deer and Muntjacs, so between them they eat almost everything. Also rabbits and pigeons, though I blame the deer for most things. They eat the tops of tulips as a PP has said - except red ones, I find?

You can only grow wild or rambling roses, unless you let them get to about four foot high where the deer can't reach. But they are devils - they leave things alone for ages so you feel safe, then scoff them weeks later. I had some English marigolds in pots (which they don't usually eat) but it must have been a cold autumn so they suddenly developed a taste. This year I planted some ranunculus (ranunculi??) thinking they don't eat buttercups. I had lovely flowers for about three weeks, then yesterday, they'd had the lot. Just stalks left. Bastards!

Privet hedges that surround front and back. Need constant trimming, are unproductive and not even attractive.

Dunno but I'm fed up with bastard snails.

Could not agree more. Can frequently be heard muttering swears while weeding them out.

They are indeed sods @CaptainNelson and @Teenagehorrorbag!

Especially the pom-pom ones. I'm not keen on chrysanthemums either.

I like pretty much all other plants though, does that help? 😉

Loving this thread.

We have at least one bandicoot digging holes in our garden, clearly finding what they're looking for as the garden is covered in holes! Thinking of setting up a camera to catch him/her in the act.

We also have some sort of bastard ivy creeper that will not die. Bastard thing just detaches from its roots when you try and pull it out.