Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

Geraniums. Especially the red or hot pink ones.

I planted bastard wonderberries about three years ago and the bastarding bastards won’t bastard off and leave me in peace.

Leaving plant labels on!

I want to see unsullied natural beauty not some 4 inch square of flapping plastic.

Bastard mint or bastard nasturtiums or any other bastard with ambitions of world domination.

Petunias and/or Lobelia. They are both the plant of the old person and despite my husbands protestations they are banned from the garden.

Oh I love petunias, I buy them every spring and shove them in pots everywhere, constant flowering till late summer.

I won’t have cordylines again. I lost several in the harsh winter we just had. Lesson learned and an expensive one at that.

Bastard geraniums here too. Bloody things I love overhearing things like this.

Bamboo. It’s too late for me, but save yourselves!!

Oh I love bamboo too but grow it in massive pots 😂

Wait wait wait - I am about to plant a ton of nasturtiums to cover a whole area that looks shit (I want them to cover the area until winter and then next year I’ll sort that area properly.)

do they come back in following years?

Spanish bluebells. Can never get rid

Geraniums and fuschias. I hate them.

Someone gave me a geranium a few years ago, I planted it outside and the thing will not die. I’ve managed to kill just about everything else I’ve ever planted but this bloody geranium is bombproof

I hate those ginormous spiky grass things beloved by corporate landscapers.

Bastard sycamore seedlings. Thanks, neighbour 🤬

Not plant but a wooden freestanding bird table we were given but by MIL. Bastard thing is 5ft tall, too big for our tiny garden. Needs staining, which I refuse to do because I don't want the thing to begin with and DH hasn't done it, so it is just taking up space in my garden storage lean to. The other day we were both in there together and DH knocked it over and it nearly brained me. I would happily take it to the tip but OH refuses to let me bin it. Also we have bird feeders hanging from our fence posts and we back on to a pathway surrounded by mature trees. It is totally not needed!

Thank you for reading my rant!

Yeah- sadly the people I bought the house from and our neighbours didn’t. It does look lovely and the little birds love it so I’m loathe to get rid of it entirely, but containing it is a big job. It’s choked the boundary hedge as well so that needs to come out . I’ve got a weird boundary with a 6 ft fence the house side and a hedge beyond it, bordering the road IYSWIM. Problem being I can’t really get at the bamboo that’s coming up in the hedge to rip the bastard stuff out.

Mahonia. (Any actually any other spiky things.) My neighbour has one that throws both its fossilised spikes and seeds into my garden, so I am especially touchy about mahonia. It’s particularly offensive as one of the first things they did on moving in was to chip their innocent cherry tree, and lay fake grass. Why not destroy the evil mahonia??!! Our garden has no access except through our back door, they have no need for the awful thing, no one will be trying to climb over from our side!

Bastard agapanthus. Also has ambitions of world domination and will not stay contained in its raised bed. I’ve lost half my lawn! Bastard things. Every year I dig it up and every year I must miss a bit because it comes back.

Pulmonaria, bastarding thing even hurts you when you pull it up (if you forget gloves)

If you don't get to the seeds quick enough then yes. I'm normally ok at containing mine & I whip out any that escape the following spring when they start to pop up, or I'll let them grow on a bit & transplant them elsewhere.

Bastarding foxgloves. I planted some gorgeous white ones, trying and failing to recreate something I’d seen on Chelsea flower show. As we’re south facing they grew like weeds at over 7 feet high. DH has given them a lifetime ban.

Fuchsias? I LOVE my fuchsias. What's not to love?

Oh I adore foxgloves.🤩

I am the world’s laziest/worst gardener and ours never came back! Thinking I got off lightly now 😂.

BASTARD hemlock because next door lets his plot run wild.