Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

Dug all mine up due to them being toxic

We lost ours too including the palms we had out front . Do you know if they regrow? we've got just bare stems sticking out but don't want to throw it away just incase.

Bamboo and laylandai (can't spell that one)

Had them in last garden and my god they grow quickly.
Our neighbour wasn't impressed at all (even though we grew them because she was constantly staring out her window at us - very strange reclusive person)

Dug all mine up due to them being toxic
We just planted a load last year!

Geraniums, Marigolds and forest flames.!

Pansies! They look so pretty but out grow themselves so quick, need deadheading every five minutes and the seeds get bloody everywhere and you find them sprouting in odd places!

Not quite in the spirit as nobody wants the bastard in their garden but ground elder. That is an absolute total and utter bastard to get rid of due to its complicated root system. Oh, and foxes who use my garden as a playground at night and last night attacked my newly planted tomatoes. Bastards.

Bastard beautiful cherry tree. Carefully selected "miniature" white flowering sweet cherry for my terraced house 12ft sq plot. Label stated tree would grow no higher than "7-10ft". Bastard thing didn't get the memo - it's currently well over the second floor roofline and still going. About 20ft bastard tall so far. Looks absolutely beautiful at the moment covered in pristine white blossom. Not so sure about what it's probably doing to the foundations... Bastardier than a bastard thing that's professor of bastardry at Bastard University.

Bastard strawberries! 10 years after we moved in the bastards still lurk around strangling things!

I love red geraniums (haven't had any since I've attempted a colour scheme as they don't match, but I do miss them) and nasturtiums (they do match and give good ground cover).

Also I'm fond of him really but I've been known to bang on the window and yell at the bastard squirrel to get out of my pots!

You know you dig them up and eat them, right?!

😆 I can't eat the bastards as quickly as they spread. I'd need to set up a chippy to keep up with the supply.

Bamboo and laylandai (can't spell that one)
We had a row of those along our fence. They were a good 15ft high and sucked all the water out of the lawn. Took them all out completely and planted beech hedging and now we have s lovely 10ft beech hedge (but it's taken about 15 years!)

Soapwort - previous owners let it go unchecked and 13 years later I STILL cannot get rid of the bastard stuff.

As per a PP euphorbia. In my 20s I had no idea about the sap. I had been gardening with gloves on, absentmindedly brushed my hair away from my face and left a trace of the sap on my face above my lip and across my cheek. Was woken with excruciating pain in the early hours of the morning and had a huge blister. Dr thought it was a chemical burn, but asked a nurse to help him with and when i mentioned I had been gardening she immediately asked if I had handled euphorbia. Even though I had washed, because I had been out in the sun with this sap on my face it had burned me. I had a dark skin patch there for about 4 years!

Not quite in the spirit as nobody wants the bastard in their garden but ground elder.
Oh god yes! We have it in a couple of borders. We've tried digging it all out, covering it all in fibre matting, poisoning it... in the end our gardener said it's best to just live with it and weed it when it comes up.

Anything yellow. All bastards.

Anything yellow. All bastards.

So as a result of me not reading packets correctly we have the foxglove explosion, the forget me not and the gladioli bulbs that seem to reproduce faster than rabbits. I also planted something that has a yellow flower and is supposed to be great to grow near the coast... where I live. Great. Except if one of the spines/ needles come off it grows another plant from it. My husband hates me.

Lemon balm is the worst… creeps into everything!

Leylandii. All those woody, non native shrubs that are neither use nor ornament.

Next door has bastard blackberry bushes and the bastards are coming though to our side. Hate the bastards because they’re prickly when you clear them and didn’t even get enough bastard fruit to make a bastard pie !!

Anyone read The Little White Horse?

I hate all yellow flowers. I'll accept an odd yellow pansy or viola in my garden but that's it. I really can't explain my hatred of yellow flowers. My sister hates blue flowers which are my favourite.😆

Bastard butterfly bush (buddleia) is banned in my garden, and not just for alliteration purposes. My neighbour had one on the other side of the fence, and the bastarding thing nearly destroyed my garden. Admittedly my garden went through a stage of involuntary rewilding for a couple of years while I was modernising the interior, so the invasive buddleia were allowed to get a foothold, but they were everywhere.

Eventually after I managed to chop down, pull up, and poison all the ones in my garden my neighbour saw sense and got rid of hers too.

My garden has many of the plants listed above but that's because they are all that will grow in bits of it. We get south westerly gales full on, so tough plants are all that I have. So I have hardy fuchsias and geraniums, no lupins at all because the bastard slugs eat them.
I don't like heucheras either, a most unattractive plant and a magnet for vine weevils.

I hate my bastarding japanese anemone which has spread through nearly half of a small border and despite me digging up great chunks, seems to pop up everyhere like whack-a-mole. It's taking up huge amounts of space and drowns out all other plants. Only looks good for 5 minutes before the wind rips the petals off the flowers too. Hopefully I can dig up more this coming weekend and make room for loads of other plants.

I also hate gladioli and my NDNs who don't 'do' outdoors and let their garden infest mine with everything, including ivy.

Geraniums. My mum had these in ports growing up and they had a horrible smell. I saw them at the garden centre the other day and thought oh they look familiar, dubbed their leaves and the smell came. I can’t stand it!