Overheard a rant on the bus.What ‘bastard’ things will you not have in your garden.

[florentina1]

A man behind me yesterday was ranting to his friend about “bastard lupins”Apparently his wife loves them, he hate them, and they are coming up everywhere. He was really funny, almost worthy of his own stand up routine.

For me it is fuchsia. Gladioli, hanging baskets and anything with slogans.

Fushias, they are only one of the few plants that manage to look vulgar wherever you put them, like crochet doilies and doll toilet covers.
Also any annual in garish red.
The things that plague me at the moment are dandelions, they carpet everything in the garden....like a carpet.

I'll take your bamboo, fuchsias and anything else for that matter and raise you muscari. Those bastards are the rats of the plant world. They look so sweet and innocent, don't be fooled.

Gladioli, red hot pokers, bamboo, Ferns, plastic grass, hot tub, gnomes.

Cotoneaster (sp?) Nasty wasp-harbouring bastard.

Hydrangeas - look nice for 10 minutes then turn into a soggy brown mush.

What is it you don't like about hanging baskets? I love mine.

A lawn. I'm not going to mow the bastard thing.

Canadian goldenrod. Bought a house with a tiny little patch of land attached which had been tenanted for years and they'd let it get totally overrun with the stuff. I googled the hell out of it and asked everywhere - essentially it's one, just give in, two, pay a fucktonne to pros to replace all the topsoil, or three, glyphosate. No prize for guessing which I chose. (It's now happily gone, yay.)

Agapanthus. I spent years planting them and them failing every single year. Then suddenly every one I had planted over the last decade sprung into life, strangled everything else in the garden and won’t fuck off. They’re inching closer to my front door and I’m pretty sure they’re planning on moving in.

😥Lobelia?!

😆

I'd like to ban my bastard neighbour who keeps letting her jack russell in to shit on our lawn.

Plant wise though I think it will be hostas even though I love them... unless they are sacrifical hostas designed to save something else from the snails.

I hate Ceonothus. Bastard blue flowers. It flourishes here and I drill and inject it with stump killer every year. Bastard stuff thrives on it!

Not me, but a colleague, hated yellow, yes, all yellow. A neighbour she didn't like complemented her on a yellow shrub in her garden, she dug it up. She was a bam though.

Anything with burgundy coloured leaves, ugly bastards.

Oi Florentina. don't you diss my glads. I grow them at the allotment in honour of Dame Edna; choosing the most violent colour combos . You just can't beat some nice shocking pink stripe and purple glads surrounded by marigolds and cabbages.

You know you dig them up and eat them, right?!

Mine is sorrel, and heartsease. Bargain garden centre purchases and now thousands of them pop up every spring.

All the neighbours dogs.

Apparently I'm unsociable for padlocking my gate because then the local kids cant get the balls they kick over. But if I leave it unlocked the kids leave the gate open and the dogs get in, run straight past me when I open the back door and threaten the wellbeing of my own pets in the house.

Bastarding ground elder!!!!!!

IVY! It can look lovely if trained and maintained properly, but my garden is currently being strangled by the bastard stuff...

Ribes - it stinks!

called it the cats dirt plant when I was a kid

ivy - it’s the plant that shows you are not a gardener. bastarding neighbours planted the fucking stuff against my fence and it keeps trying to invade

Hate Nasturtiums. Horrible spindly pathetic things. Not keen on hostas or that poached egg plant. Which seem to do well of course since I dont like them.

Pulmonaria - although I am warming to it a bit now.
I've currently got it growing at the back of the beds, against the fence so it's colour all year round & fills in spaces between trees & shrubs.
If it seeds further forward then it gets ripped out!

Just remembered another one, Stag’s horn sumach, the bastard sends suckers all over your lawn and in my friend's case it was even pushing up the paving slabs of her patio. Looks pretty but you can't turn your back on it for a moment, it's like the stone angels in Dr Who.

I wish my agapanthus would spread! I love them. Also don't mind crocosmia, but wouldn't lose any sleep if it died.

I am plagued by spanish bluebells. Evil, vile things. And Mahonia can do one. Awful, awful stuff.

I LOVE hellebores, cosmos, echinacia (even if I can't spell it) and alchemilla mollis.

Fake grass, sound systems and noisy neighbours.

Those succulent-looking red stemmed begonias with red leaves and red flowers. They remind me of red ants and spiders and they're just hideous.

Can you put it out unstained in the hope that it soon rots and disintergrates, and you can blame DH for not treating it? Or sill seh buy you another. Or maybe you can grow a climber up it?? <clutches at straws>

But yeah, in truth I am with you on not quite right-to-plain-hideous gifted 'ornaments'