Thread 22 Covid Cohort - Creeping towards the Future - Personal Statements and Interviews

[OrangeCinnamonCocktail]

This is a thread for supporting all young people post GCSEs 2020, regardless of their educational setting. It is respectfully requested that all are supportive and helpful to each other. If you want to start a debate, e.g state vs private, please don't within this thread. Please also be sensitive when responding to threads about grades.

Some of us have been here since first thread back in yr10, some will be new. Everyone has been friendly and helpful in the past. Everyone is welcome. It is hoped this will continue.

Our DS/DD may go down various paths (such as employment, apprenticeships, higher ed) We have decided for anyone interested they will most likely find us within the Further Ed board.

Previous thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/further_education/4370509-Thread-21-Corona-Cohort-Nervous-waiting-so-frustrating
Role Call below
@20newnames / DS / Engineering
@Alsoplayspiccolo / DD / English + Film
@AnneofCleavage / DD / gap year? Primary Education
@BlueMarigold / DD / Biology
@crazycrofter / DD / Child (?) + Mental Health Nursing
@Decorhate / DS / Economics + Politics
@Delphigirl / DS / Oceanography
@DoggerelBank / DS / tbc sciencey
@ealingwestmum / DD / Middle Eastern and European Studies
@EerilyDisembodied / DS / History or Environmental Management
@estherfrewen / DS / History
@EwwSprouts / DS / Biology
@Fiddlersgreen / DS / Journalism
@Fruitygal / DD / Biology
@Hattifatteners / DD / Vet Med
@Heifer / DD / Biology
@Hopeful201 / DS / Medicine
@Horace123 / DS / Classics
@icanbewhatiwant / DS / History + Philosophy
@Isthisjustnormal / DS / Comp Sci
@KingscoteStaff / DD / Medicine
@mummabear74 / DD / Environmental Science
@mummyinbeds / DS / Law + French Law
@Nard75 / DS / Maths
@NCTDN / DD / Liberal Arts
@Oblomov21 / DS / Accountancy
@OrangeCinnamonCocktail / DD / Music (uni)
@PaddingtonPaddington / DD / Music (cons)
@Piggywaspushed / DS / Social sciences combo
@ProggyMat / DD / Classics
@SandyBayley / DD / Medicine
@Seeline / DD / Liberal Arts
@singingstones / DS / Neuroscience
@Wheresthebeach / DD / gap year? Marine Biology
@whoamitojudge / DD / Cabin crew training
@Zebracat / DD / Liberal Arts or Anthropology
@ZittiEBuoni / DD / applying next year

DD has been very worried about going to uni - I think the isolation of COVID schooling Jan to March and the increased time spent with us doing National Trusting and walks wasn't helping :)) It was like having a 13-14 yr old.

We started uni looking in June to try and get DDs head around the fact uni was happening in a year and she needed to get her head in the correct space. Uni looking has helped but ........

All the 18th parties and travelling to go to gigs in London etc since September are really helping..... independence and problem solving opportunities (when the tube delays make you miss the planned train home)......

Finally this week she was in a rather nice homeware department with me looking for a present for her Aunt and said ... I must add some cushions, throws, fairy lights and these (holds up cocktail glasses :))) on the Christmas list because there is so much I want for my uni room and Dad's not going to agree to it all in the August pre uni shop (Normally an IKEA one!??)

She is finally imagining herself there! Acted very cool at the time ....inside I was doing cartwheels ...sooooo happy!

I see the lawnmower parent from a different angle. I think it's a debate that can be had as to what their 'goal' is. It's rather like some people see schools (in my opinion) where teachers are proactive and inspiring and engaged with their students as 'spoonfeeding', while schools that are what I would call 'hit and miss'/disengaged, as teaching the kids hard grit. I certainly want to protect my dc from adversity, why wouldn't I?

@Piggywaspushed Thanks I have learnt a new thing! Knew about helicopter parents but not lawnmower :) ...know plenty of both but the extremely passive parenting style often upsets me more.

Not sure if it has a name but this is when a kid gets dropped off at school and they expect the school or the kid to manage it all and pride themselves on providing no support for uni applications or exam revision. This can work IF the child is extremely proactive, bright and independent but it shocks me when this parent is someone who has spent money of 11+ tutoring or private school fees, often has a good job and strong academic background and has chosen to have this financial investment in their child's education but shows disregard for what happens next.

@Fruitygal I agree, there seems to be a lot of name calling (nick-names) from those on the passive parenting side. Why don't we have a name for that indeed?

@Fruitygal the email came from school. Only 3 weeks ago they were insisting dc's go into school if a sibling tests positive (after pcr). So they've completely changed direction over half term.

My dc's all dislike anything I suggest. So I try not to suggest anything much. I have to be careful because as I've said before, I am fairly uneducated. One reason, I was an awful teenager. My df wasn't allowed to continue education, he passed his 11 plus also went on to get 9 A's at O level. Then school wouldn't let him continue as he found it too stressful (he had epilepsy and I think possibly ASD) so he left school. I always felt he wanted me to succeed where he didn't. Which looking back is lovely, but at the time i was determined to do the opposite. So I didn't bother. Dropped 3 sets and didn't do coursework etc. etc. I wish df was alive to apologise. But anyway...I really don't want any of my dc's to have the attitude I had. So I don't want to be pushy or suggest further education if they don't want to, but I definitely want them to succeed where I didn't. Ds2 went through a phase in year 10 where he dropped back, said he didn't need to do GCSEs to get a job. I immediately thought he is going the same way as me. But when ds1 left home for university, thankfully Ds2 realised that he wanted to leave home and go to university and he needed a good education. Ds3 already speaks of when he leaves for university, he's only year 8 so I'm glad at the moment he's thinking that way.

So I like to help and encourage. But don't want to put them off either.

@icanbewhatiwant sounds like you are a super supportive parent. I think education in the past was so different and people in my family - bright grandparents both sides missed opportunities due to financial constraints - from no money for grammar school uniform or the need for them to earn a wage. My DH was different his was extremely passive parenting from loving but disinterested in education parents. Missing out on uni was one of his biggest regrets - but school were crap and so only those with proactive parents went to uni. (DH excelled in the career he went into - very successful on any measure but perhaps not the career he would have chosen) His siblings adopted a similar passive style with their families ( not very successful) but DH is so proud of the DCs and helps them do what they want by being supportive.

Covid is a nightmare and can see that school have gone from one extreme to the other. So difficult fir you

'Our dc will be greater than us and do greater exploits than us', is a prayer in my culture for one's children, in the UK it seems to be, if it was good enough for us, it's good enough for you (this can go either way). I find that tends to underpin a lot of how parenting is shaped.

@Shimy I agree that education & its ability to transform lives does not seem to be as valued here. I suppose because I come from a culture where emigration was common for a long time & education was valued highly, I’ve found it strange that families would discourage their children from getting qualifications and/or moving away for job opportunities

@Shimy

I see the lawnmower parent from a different angle. I think it's a debate that can be had as to what their 'goal' is. It's rather like some people see schools (in my opinion) where teachers are proactive and inspiring and engaged with their students as 'spoonfeeding', while schools that are what I would call 'hit and miss'/disengaged, as teaching the kids hard grit. I certainly want to protect my dc from adversity, why wouldn't I?

Oh yes, I agree. I think it is about happy mediums.

@Shimy I agree Re nicknames - always makes me laugh as most of the rest of world would find the passive attitude the strange and unappealing one

[quote Shimy]@Fruitygal I agree, there seems to be a lot of name calling (nick-names) from those on the passive parenting side. Why don't we have a name for that indeed?[/quote]
I think there is a name. I teach this in sociology but it does focus on paranoid parenting, helicopters, tiger mothers etc but I think the opposite is 'detached' which covers emotional, financial etc.

We get lots of those and they are indeed often quite affluent. Current society likes to demonise single mothers as being feckless and disengaged whilst completely ignoring the likes of Johnson with so many children he can't count them!

@Piggywaspushed I know a lovely family where the parents are absolutely lawnmowers. Intensive tutoring all the way through school. Their eldest used to get her dad to help with her uni essays. He wrote her job application for her first graduate job (at a company where he had contacts).

I love the prayer shimy!

Unfortunately, due to austerity and various other things, long before Covid, our DCs may be the first generation where this is not true for many of them This is why we helicopter!

I think it is possible (and I have definitely done this) to be over involved, to a point where if you do too much you can end up undermining the DC's own sense of agency. There's a fine line between encouraging them and taking over. But if you're going to navigate that line well, you have to be involved in their lives and understand them as best you can I think.

DS is naturally quite passive and compliant and doesn't like to cause a fuss, so I try to encourage him to work out what he wants to do, (not what he thinks we or his teachers want him to do), and then pursue it for himself.

Really interesting to read that “detached” parenting tends to be more common among affluent parents.
DD’s best friend has very well-off parents. Dad seems to be completely driven by work/success BUT neither parent has ever told their children they love them, nor have the children ever seen their parents show affection to each other.
DD’s friend is driven to all the social stuff she wants to go to, but she never does anything with her parents; she’s given money to buy whatever she needs, cooks her own food etc.
Her parents are hell-bent on her “doing well” in life, but don’t seem to recognise that they’re not meeting her emotional needs. The strangest part of all is that her mum is a psychologist.

On the self-reliance front, I am wondering how to wean myself off getting DS up in the morning! He was working at 8am today and I had told him that I wanted him to be responsible for waking up, but no sign of life by 7:20, so I succumbed! I give him a lift halfway to school most days and wake him up every day. If I don't he WILL be late. DS1 was not the same. I have a feeling I need to let him be late for school for a week and see what happens, but it is hard! It feels like controlled crying - being harsh for their own good! Covid hasn't helped as he was fine until the first lockdown.

@Alsoplayspiccolo telling your children you love them is a variable thing for lots of english people! I don't remember my parents doing it and I don't think we do it explicitly, but I hope they know by the way we treat them, I certainly knew mine loved me. It is fine when they are little, but I find some parents and the way they constantly kiss and hug teenage children a bit over the top, but everyone is different, or maybe I am just jealous that mine rarely want a hug!

I don’t know the answer to that Monkey but we got DS a sunrise alarm clock in desperation as he would always fall back to sleep and it seems to help a fair bit, he has one for college and one for home. he also has the threat of the Head coming to wake him up if he oversleeps at college, as one lad one year had - I think it is quite motivating but doesn’t help your situation at all !

@Monkey2001 - controlled crying ! love it!

@Monkey2001my DS2 was not a hugging type from 14-17 then suddenly started being a big hug on arrival and departure once away at uni ! Think he stopped worrying whether it was cool or not

@Fruitygal yes, university is great for giving permission to hug!

I really miss the hugs. DH isn't much of a hugger either sadly. My Mum was really tactile and so am I. DD used to be, but now hates it. She will "allow" me to have her feet across my lap and I can hold her foot - how lovely for me :-) Both my parents passed away before I was 37 so it's been a long time with no Mum cuddle.

I think I did used to micromanage too much, if it didn't make sense to me how DD wanted to do something I would often say why don't you do it like this instead, rather than letting her get on with it. I wasn't flexible enough sometimes, ie I thought it best for DD to do her homework at 5.00pm when she wanted to do it at 7.00 etc so I did learn to back off, DD would get it done when she felt best and she always has (although even now I can't understand why she would rather start homework at 10.00pm then at 5.00pm etc.

I have to admit that my DD doesn't know how to do anything around the house, she doesn't cook often (and then it's usually carbonara), she has never put washing on, or washed up. She keeps her room tidy and will often do housework as she likes it tidier that I do (low standards, whilst she has high standards - we really are quite different.

@Decorhate - That's a whole other debate there. I don't think U.K parents are generally used to moving away or the idea of it mainly because historically, they've never had to. Whereas in many other countries they've faced collapse of government, persecution, poverty and other hardships that has meant people have always moved around to find greener pastures as it were and that includes sending children to wherever they can get a good education. In an ideal world though, we would all like our dc close.

@Fruitygal - I don't think most parents in the U.K think about the opinions of the rest of the world, they ARE the world .

@Piggywaspushed I know, it is unfortunate but doesn't mean we stop trying. Getting on the proper ladder is an uphill struggle at the moment for many young couples starting out as well finding that first graduate position, but that's why we are all here giving and getting all the support they need to access those things in future.

@singingstones That's another extreme. Over involved parenting but also depends on each person's definition of over-involved. Piggy will attest to the lambasting I got on MN (by someone slightly deranged!)over ds1. I was trying to find out what kind of bags uni students were using and someone took serious umbrage that I was over involved. DS1 couldn't care less and was delighted to get a bag. I was completely perplexed why it was an awful thing to buy a bag for my ds. They thought it was a sign of a controlling parent .

@Alsoplayspiccolo I think detached parenting can come from any angle. I think it might be more noticeable? frowned upon? if the parents are very successful because one questions why the only that doesn't cost money is being withheld, whereas for poorer parents it can more easily be explained? might be wrong. Piggy's research sounds like a very good read. Love that sort of thing. If I could go back to uni, I would study something like Sociology or HSPS or International relations, much more my forte than what I did, I.T bluuurgh!

I wake mine, and gave her a lift to school throughout last year. I couldn't see the point of sending her on rammed commuter train then a TfL designated 'school bus' (which basically meant no social distancing, and loads of kids from loads of schools crammed in together) when school were being so good with their measures. She does use public transport most mornings now, but the train is often cancelled so I have to be on standby. I freelance from home so don't really need to be up at 6.30 🙄

I always woke DS too, but he seems to manage at uni.

Oh my word, the backpack!!