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Further education

You'll find discussions about A Levels and universities on our Further Education forum.

Original poster

Half way through Year 13 and the last school year.

999 replies

OhYouBadBadKitten · 14/02/2018 20:14

eep.

OP posts:
FantasyAndHope · 19/02/2018 11:11

What’s worse is dd deleted her Instagram account but they have a group chat on there and dd has reactivted and seen everything they’ve said
And she has just rang one of the girls as she had heard she had been taken seriously ill and she rang her to be the better person and dd has just rang and said it’s so stupid

LoniceraJaponica · 19/02/2018 11:38

Your DD sounds lovel Fantasy.

LoniceraJaponica · 19/02/2018 11:38

Lovely

Hardwickwhite · 19/02/2018 12:00

Checking in for the first time in an age!

DD has some fairly major issues at the moment, and so I've been lurking rather than posting, whilst i try to process. Her results are still likely to be great, but she is in a fairly dark place. Knowing you are all here and also feeling your way towards the summer has been tremendously helpful, even though I have been silent.

Icouldbeknitting · 19/02/2018 12:32

DS hasn't looked at travel or accommodation, I doubt he could put a pin in a map to show the places he's looked at. It's all about the course, there's no knowing where they'll be living after the first year but the course content is certain for the three years (or four).

Original poster
OhYouBadBadKitten · 19/02/2018 13:01

Hardwick, Im sorry it's a tough time at the moment for your dd. All the best to her. We are here if you need us.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 19/02/2018 13:16

hardwick don't forget your dd's Vit D and B12, taking supplements had a tremendously positive effect on ds, even though he is still lazy and shy, last Feb he was frightfully low and we didn't realise how much he was affected by the lack of these things (diagnosed subsequently with a deficiency) I'm meeting so many people in RL whose children suffer from anxiety, and it makes you feel so helpless (and angry too, that they should feel that way) So masses of Thanks to you.

Icould that is actually wonderful that he is so sure about the course, sounds very sensible.

Nettleskeins · 19/02/2018 13:20

now to tidy ds's room. I had to go back to bed earlier because I was so tired Shock my husband scoffing at my worries over the course/place is not really helping. And Theresa May has just issued a statement about the tuition fees which is scrambling my brain too. I just get the feeling we are in the middle of a giant inflated bubble and I want someone to burst it and put the world to rights again.

SluttyButty · 19/02/2018 13:29

Can I join or is it just people from the old threads? My dd is barely speaking to me about her uni decisions and snapping if I dare to ask a question Confused

UrsulaPandress · 19/02/2018 13:37

All welcome. Especially if you have grumpy children.

FantasyAndHope · 19/02/2018 13:52

It’s kicked off and the girl dd rang is now getting arsey with dd because she has friends that are now in...

Dd took herself off to her study and I’ve said leave them too it, won’t help them at all in life

LoniceraJaponica · 19/02/2018 14:50

DD is having a wobble about whether she even wants to do medicine now, so she is looking at other courses. I am envious of parents with DC who know exactly where they want to go and what they want to do.

Hardwickwhite · 19/02/2018 15:29

Lonicera DD had wanted to do medicine since she was around 11 and only changed her mind at the start of this academic year. I'm glad she changed her mind before she got started down what would likely be the wrong path for her, but it was a big shock at the time. One of her friends only changed her mind the week before half term, and is going through s process of rejecting her offers so that she can apply for new courses. She can only do that one course at a time though, so I imagine it is very stressful for both her and her parents. School have been fantastic though I believe, and if you can get advice and support there, they have probably seen it all before.

Nettleskins thank you for that suggestions. We have started her on fish oils (and medication from the Dr) but will get those vitamins too.

Nettleskeins · 19/02/2018 16:45

hardwick it is worth asking the doctor for a blood test for vit D anaemia and folates/B12. I had to suggest it. Ds was on a 20,000 iu Vit D supplement prescription per fortnight, not something you can buy over the counter.

Nettleskeins · 19/02/2018 16:47

I've tidied ds's room. Very dusty and a lot of sweet wrappers. A level notes like confetti littered around, and enough loose change to fill the Trevi fountain.

HesMyLobster · 19/02/2018 17:03

Hardwick so sorry to hear your DD is going through a tough time.
Fantasy your DD sounds very sensible and mature, especially compared to the girls she has the misfortune to be at school with. Not long to go now.
It's a shame for them not to be able to enjoy these last few months of school at all.

DD should be buying leavers' ball tickets this week but is uncertain whether she wants to actually go.
She distanced herself from the crowd she's been friends with since primary at the end of year 11 - mainly because she had no interest in boys and parties and drinking vodka in the park.
She has a couple of very close friends, which is all she needs, and I'm glad she's no longer part of a huge bitchy girl group - but she says it makes huge social occasions a bit awkward, not being part of the main "pack" anymore.
I think it would be a shame to miss out on it (considering buying them 3 tickets before they run out just in case they change their minds. . . Meddling? Me?! Wink)

derekthe1adyhamster · 19/02/2018 17:34

OMG - they have all gone into meltdown haven't they? I swear it was so much easier in my day.

Anyway, sit down with a cuppa for my epic day of troubles started with me worrying so much that I didn't sleep from about 2am. So I decide to get up early and shower and checked my emails at 5.45. There's one from 11pm last night from the house mistress saying that DS had punched the wardrobe and they were fairly sure his knuckle wasn't broken but possibly a torn ligament and he would be going to hospital is morning to get it checked out. He can do his mock later in the week.

Lack of sleep and shock sent me into a major panic. DH agrees to go and take DS to the hospital. I in the meantime text the girlfriend to find out what has been going on, I stalk her big sister on Facebook and message her (in case her mother is a drunk), and email a friend who knows someone who knows the family to see if there is any dodgy family background.

Girlfriend texts me back saying yeah it's kinda her fault as Shea's been worrying about things but hasn't wanted to sorry DS with it, but then decides that actually she is going to bother him with it the night before his first mock.

DS in the meantime is quite monosyllabic with DH but admits that it's because her mother is an alcoholic and says nasty things to his girlfriend and he hates that.

I hear all this whilst I'm having a moan with my school nurse friends in the school I work in. They suggest this could be a safeguarding issue and maybe I should speak to someone at her school so at least someone there is looking out for her.

During this time I have written many cathartic messages and not sent them to girlfriend.

I email head of wellbeing at the school in case they have information.

I then compose a reply to girlfriend. Reading it back it was maybe a bit harsh but it was a lot nicer than my earlier ones. Suggesting that maybe not burdening DS with her problems would be a kind thing. I give her the numbers of child line & Samaritan so they can help her.

Within seconds of sending the text, I get a barrage of abuse from DS telling me I'm the reason he's so stressed, and why am I trying to push away the only person he can talk to. I calmly tell him I love him and uninstall messenger from my phone.

I then have to email the lovely house mistress and explain that I've mucked things up and I'm sorry. She's going to call me later.

Finally I text girlfriend again to say sorry my text was so harsh, I know she loves him, but I'm just very worried about him.

And that feels good to get it all out

UrsulaPandress · 19/02/2018 17:56

How bloody awful for you.

I would have done the same thing but probably sent one of the nastier messages.

It is such s find line we tread isn't it?

Littledrummergirl · 19/02/2018 18:10

Derek you are doing well. I suspect that whatever you had done would have been wrong.
You must have a very strong bond with your ds as he clearly feels secure enough to push this on you. Stay strong and know that he will get through this. Flowers

derekthe1adyhamster · 19/02/2018 18:34

I feel like the worst mum in the world. He is texting DH however which is a good thing

FantasyAndHope · 19/02/2018 19:08

derek
You are doing well, I had the same problem last year with dd with her controlling boyfriend and her friends and low and behold I’m right about her friends! Eventuallly they learn to trust you

Dds friends are now trying to control her by saying your not allowed to speak to X otherwise we can’t be friends, dd said well it makes it easier for me to end the friendship then, I told her keep them sweet they don’t like it when you keep them sweet if leaving a study where it seems bitchy is nasty and not loyal then so be it

HesMyLobster · 19/02/2018 19:22

Oh crumbs Derek
Firstly, you are absolutely so far from being the worst mum in the world - you are doing brilliantly as far as I can see.
I think your DS must know it too - like Drummer said, he wouldn't be pushing it onto you if he didn't trust you and feel secure enough to push.

I think you're right to contact gf's school and make sure somebody is looking out for her too.

I don't really have any words of wisdom or advice, but here for a hand hold with ThanksWineGinand Cake.

puppypower1 · 19/02/2018 19:31

Crikey Derek - so sorry to read this. And Fantasy - your DD is doing so well.

Good luck to those with exams and making decisions.

Term and a half to go........

LoniceraJaponica · 19/02/2018 19:45

Stay strong Derek Flowers
We all do what we think is best for our children

chocolateworshipper · 19/02/2018 20:10

Oh blimey Derek I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know that feeling of being a bad Mum only too well. I had good friends and a therapist trying to convince me that DD's ODs didn't make me a bad Mum, but it was a long time before I could accept it. I did some reading up about how much change the teenage brain goes through - and that helped me to see it wasn't all my fault. I also think that social media has one hell of a lot to answer for regarding teenage mental health problems. I think the best advice I can give you is to keep doing what you feel is right for your child. Absolutely no parent in the history of the world has got everything right, but just as we tell our children to "do your best", so we need to give ourselves permission as parents to do out best. You are clearly a loving parent, and I truly believe that you will be doing more right than "wrong" (or "not ideal" I would prefer to call it). I also strongly believe that your son is better off having you as a loving Mum (who may on the odd occasion give more help than he thinks he wants) than having a Mum who doesn't care.

Big hugs to you xx