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Fostering

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on fostering.

Original poster

Its our last week together

260 replies

Flower3554 · 21/07/2008 11:09

Well this is it, one week today our little one meets his new mummy

I'm busy washing all his cuddly toys cos some of them are so grungyI'd be ashamed to send them with him

He's having a sleep at the moment and I'm imagining what it will be like when he goes, I know I'm going to miss him like crazy but it's long past the time he should have moved. I hope it all goes smoothly and he really "takes to her"

OP posts:
onepieceoflollipop · 29/07/2008 19:34

Flower I would suggest 2 "small stiff drinks"

Sounds like you have done really well with new mummy, but it must be exhausting (physically and emotionally.)

hughjarssss · 29/07/2008 19:36

Must be hard to not be able to fully enjoy your last few days with him

lucyellensmum · 29/07/2008 20:36

This whole process is quite awe inspiring really. There is flower who has raised this little man from 2 days old, selflessly preparing his new mummy to be able to give him what he needs and ensuring some level of consistency. The new mummy must be all over the place too - its quite a bit of pressure really isn't it. Not something that you have i suppose when you give birth.

I have two questions that i hope are taken in good intentions:

Firstly, Flowers, how do you prepare yourself for this and stop yourself from forming a full maternal bond? Is this something that you do from the begining?

Secondly, and i know this is a bit ridiculous really, but what happens if the adoptive parents and child don't "click"?

Does this woman have a partner? Im only curious as it just seems to be her coming to visit so assuming she is a single mum which is fine. If not, why does the partner not come around too?

Still think you are amazing

Original poster
Flower3554 · 30/07/2008 06:16

Thanks everyone

lucyellensmum... in answer to your questions, easiest first she is a single parent. It does very occasionally happen that the "match" doesn't work but it is very rare in the case of very young children and babies. If it happens social services go back to square one and begin looking for another family.

Secondly, I can't stop myself from bonding with every baby I foster, I have tried to hold back but it's impossible. I would be short changing both of us I feel so I dive in knowing that it's going to hurt like hell letting go.

The only way I can get through this week and a half is to concentrate on helping new mum and child get to know each other.

Come next Wednesday morning I'll be the puddle in the corner.

I'm happy to answer any questions though

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poshtottie · 30/07/2008 08:52

Hi flower,

I am thinking of fostering so have been following this thread.

I have a quick question if thats okay. Why has this lo not been placed before? I thought there were loads of people wanting to adopt babies.

Thanks in advance.

Original poster
Flower3554 · 30/07/2008 09:37

Hi poshtottie, if a baby is taken into care there usually follows a period of assessing his parents to see if they are able to care for baby themselves.

If the decision is made that they can't then often baby's parents contest, in court, social services decision. This can take a long time to get to court.

If the courts decided in favour of social services then and only then can a family be sought to adopt the child.

It all takes time but to be honest he should have been placed months ago but his social worker is useless

Hope this helps

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MamaGLovesMe · 30/07/2008 13:54

Some things don't change. I was placed under a care older about 3 minutes after SS got involved and then they messed about for years before deciding I was too old to be adopted.

lazaroulovesleggings · 30/07/2008 20:24

Evening Flower. I hope things haven't been too stressful today. Have been wondering how the little'un is coping with it all. Love to you.

Original poster
Flower3554 · 31/07/2008 08:42

Yesterday was extremely stressful for all concerned

Mum arrived at 7.30am and left at 6.50pm.

I was absolutely shattered and so, I think, was she.

The day went ok, lo had a few tantrums which shocked the bejabers out of her, I don't think she'd actually realised how very loud he can shriek

She tried to undress him for bed and he was having none of it. Eventually because he was becoming hysterical I suggested she let me do it and I quickly changed him. She gave him his milk and put him in his cot but it was a while before he settled.

He has only been up 20 minutes so he must have been very tired too.

Today is only a half day thank goodness and tomorrow is a rest day so we'll all have had a breather.

This morning my new link worker is coming to meet me and at lunchtime I have the dubious pleasure of lo's social worker visiting.

DH is home tonight, he works away, and this will be his last weekend with Lo

Another fun day

OP posts:
lazaroulovesleggings · 31/07/2008 08:50

Flower, that's so funny about her being a bit shocked by his screaming ability. Ds2 has also got a healthy pair of lungs on him that he will use when he doesn't get his own way.
Bring on friday, hey?

whooosh · 31/07/2008 09:03

On eo fmy friends has adopted 2 LOs-siblings but at different times.Her latest arrival is only 8mts old but the first was well over a year when she arrived.

It has been such a rollercoaster for all concerned and I know she it completely indebted to the work their foster carers put in to both children.
Their circumstances could have led to all sorts of problems but because their FC was like you flower,she has 2 fantastically well-adjusted children.

I have often thought about fostering but having read your posts,I know I am not made of the "right stuff"-you clearly are.All those children and new parents have a lot to thank you for.

Original poster
Flower3554 · 31/07/2008 09:07

I don't know about that whooosh, I wish I was tougher especially times like this. I'm dreading the weekend with DH because he's going to get so upset when he has to go back to work on Monday, not only because he's going to miss lo but because I know he's mentally beating himself up because he can't be here for me

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whooosh · 31/07/2008 09:27

If you were "tougher" then you wouldn't be the person you are and that is what makes you so special.
Whilst being a softie make slife harder for you,I am sure it is what has made all the difference

kando · 31/07/2008 09:44

You and your dh sound like such lovely, wonderful people. Your lo has had such a great start in life with you. It must be so hard for you to say goodbye. You are an inspiration, Flower.

Original poster
Flower3554 · 31/07/2008 09:54

Thank you

When new mum left yesterday she took the majority of his clothes and toys so she can take them back home with her when she leaves tonight.

In between making meals for us all I dashed about like a mad woman packing stuff.

I've left most of his clothes on their hangers so all she has to do is hang them up. She is taking them now because they are travelling home on the last day by train.

It felt awful packing his stuff and I shed a few tears after she left

The days are galloping by so quickly now.

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 31/07/2008 09:59

Just as well he did have tantrums, really - can you imagine how scared she would have been if he had done it for the first time after she had him home and was in SW-imposed isolation?

Sounds like she has not had a lot to do with small children - this is going to be v. tough for her, isn't it?

Tougher for you, though - and DH, by the sound of it.

Kewcumber · 31/07/2008 10:03

stealth - adopting a young child is hard but not really any harder than having a new born baby - just different challenges. We're all clueless to start with, aren't we

stealthsquiggle · 31/07/2008 10:16

s'pose so, Kew (and you would know!) - I guess it is just time being a great healer and all that but I seem to recall newborns and associated challenges being less stressful than toddler tantrums (possibly on reflection because my DC were very easy newborns and very hard typical toddlers)

Kewcumber · 31/07/2008 10:26

maybe it wasn't so in your case but the majority of times the rough rules of caring for a newborn work the same way when you're adopting an infant (under 2).

  • you have no idea what you're doing
  • they cry and you don't know why
  • it takes you hours to get ready to go out
  • you don't sleep much
  • they don't sleep much
  • you don't want people cuddling them
  • you want people to come and make you lunch not copme and expect you o make them lunch...

I could go on!

Original poster
Flower3554 · 31/07/2008 16:53

Well thats another one over (phew) Tomorrow is a day off.....yeayyyy

Its been another hectic day and a very good one. Lo's new mum is amazed at his eating habits, she knew nothing about BLW
I put some pieces of fruit on a plate for him and she began to hand him them, I said "oh he usually just helps himself" "really" she said "thats wonderful, I thought I'd have to buy a blender" He is 18 months old
It's quite strange to see lo being affectionate towards her, am I allowed to feel a little ? because I have today

She is taking most of his stuff today so as to have familiar things at her house when he arrives next week.

I've sent his blanket which I made when he was tiny and I've sprayed some of my perfume on it so he can, hopefully, take some comfort from it.

Bless him he is totally oblivious as to what is going on so we are going to enjoy these last few days to the hilt.

Kew, can I just say I have some books on adoption especially for little ones, please let me know if you'd like to borrow them as and when you need them

OP posts:
BabiesEverywhere · 31/07/2008 17:36

It must be so hard for him to lose you, after being with you for so long You must be such a strong person to love your foster babies for so long and to be able to give them up to their parents.

Do you get to visit him in his new home ? Do you get updates on him ?

Original poster
Flower3554 · 31/07/2008 17:39

It depends on the new family, it's left up to them and sadly I have no say in that.

Very often families keep in touch but sometimes they choose not to. Lo's new mum lives a long way away, the other end of the country, so it's unlikely that I will see him again

OP posts:
lazaroulovesleggings · 31/07/2008 17:43

HI Flower. How's the little 7 month old getting on? Any prospective parents on the horizon?

HuwEdwards · 31/07/2008 17:46

Flower, I take my hat off to you.

Am truly in awe of you.

Original poster
Flower3554 · 31/07/2008 17:57

aw thanks Huw
It's a while in the future re 7 month old. Her parents are still being assessed so it's possible she may return home.

OP posts: