Mixed race in whole family

[Foster29]

Can anyone help
struggling big time with a 13 yr old girl I’ve had with me since beg of September
she is mixed race and whilst agreeing fi come to us a white family challenges me on race all the time.
make makes comments about white race thsr could make her sound racist.
she cont picks arguments or try’s to. She loves drama and will delight in it. she is extremely clever so knows exact what she is doing. She says she sees this as a place to stay not a home and the new school she’s has to start she refuses to make any friends.
it’s all so hard. I don’t want to give in and give notice because it will show rejection again to her and she’s been through so much - but im Not enjoying the placement and nothing is seeming to work.
does anyone have a mixed race black child in a white family or any tips for hormonal traumatised teens
ive asked for support from sw but there is not a lot in my area
thank you for reading

[SomethingMustBeScaringThemAway]

You write ‘mixed race black child’ - so presumably her parentage is black and something other than white - because otherwise you could just as easily have written ‘mixed race white child’, no?

You say she tries to pick arguments. Surely she can’t be the first 13 year old you’ve ever encountered? It is in the nature of young teens to actively question everything; why wouldn’t they? Surely it’s your job as the caring responsible adult in her life to actively engage in discussion with her and, if you feel she has misunderstood anything in 21st century social politics, to put a well informed, alternative point of view.

If you feel you’re not equipped to converse with her, or if you feel she is not entitled to verbally explore her emerging understanding of the world - you are perhaps not the best person to be fostering her.

[JamSandle]

She sounds very ungrateful. Is this a placement you want to continue with?

[Loubelle70]

This is teenagers anyway, white, black, mixed race etc
Theyll push buttons for reaction.
Youre taking it too personally. Just say we want you here no matter what race you are. Just treat her kindly and without judgement

[CaptainMyCaptain]

@JamSandle

She sounds very ungrateful. Is this a placement you want to continue with?

I don't think you should expect foster children to be grateful - their world has been turned upside down.

I agree with @SomethingMustBeScaringThemAway

[RudsyFarmer]

Without knowing the full background it’s difficult to advise. Are you part of a fostering community online?

[user1492757084]

Well done you for persisting with kindness and generosity although you are being treated rudely sometimes.
Whether she is black or white. Mixed race or not many teens push boundaries.

Most teenagers will push buttons and it is good that she feels secure enough to express differing opinions.
You can still invite kids of similar ages over to your place if you think that is good. You are the parent and it is your home.

[Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse]

Hi OP I come from a mixed race family and my parents are foster carers for TLC teenagers. please don’t take her current behaviour to heart she is most likely testing you as she’s still settling and working out her new environment. Maybe she feels that you and previous placements don’t understand her care needs. Looking after a mixed raced child’s hair and skin is very different to non ethnic children. They will require certain hair products and creams. Maybe she wants to explore her heritage more but doesn’t feel comfortable or able yet to ask to do this.

[SomethingMustBeScaringThemAway]

non ethnic children

?

Every human being on the planet has an ‘ethnicity’.

[Ivalueloyaltyaboveallelse]

I mean ethnic child. Clearly multi tasking isn’t my strong point so shoot me 🙄 Anyway OP feel free to message me, I’m happy to try and help.

[SomethingMustBeScaringThemAway]

No.

Every child is ‘ethnic’ - because every human being has an ethnicity.

[ScarboroughHair]

Maybe she is struggling with looking different from the rest of the family? Does she have any contact with the non-white side(s) of her family at all? Is there any acknowledgement of this part of her heritage, does she get hair and skincare specially done? Have a look at The Black Care Experience, they have lots of resources and a network you can join.
Also could you engage with her on a more mature level about racism? Could you read books, Why I No Longer Talk to White People About Race for example? So next time she has a go at you you can say "I just read X in this book, what do you think about it?" My Name Is Why is good too as it actually concerns fostering. Or I'm trying to think of TV shows, maybe Dear White People would be a good one to watch together?

Remember part of it is that she can see it triggers you. She can see that it really winds you up more than other stuff she has tried on you. Traumatised teens will say all kinds of hurtful and offensive shit. I had one that targeted an aspect of my looks that I've always been self conscious about. It really hurt and she definitely picked up on that and used it to twist the knife. I came to realise it was more about me and my insecurities than her. It's not nice that she's targeting your race but equally you need to rise above the insults and engage with her on a more mature level.

[TheChristmasPig]

Of course the OP knows that teenagers push buttons she is an experienced foster carer. She is seeing something different in this child.

[CaptainMyCaptain]

@TheChristmasPig

Of course the OP knows that teenagers push buttons she is an experienced foster carer. She is seeing something different in this child.

Or the child is pushing different buttons that the OP has not experienced before.

[Lampzade]

Op , does your foster child refer to herself as ‘mixed race black’. ?
The reason I have asked this is because if she is a mixed race child ( black and white) , I don’t understand why you have referred to her as a ‘mixed race black child’ unless this is how she refers to herself.
Many thirteen year old teenagers are ‘challenging’, but in this case she may feel that you are uncomfortable with her being mixed which is why she challenges you on race issues.

[OhShutIt]

It's important to acknowledge that her socialisation in many environments and across society as a mixed raced person will be different to yours.

She will be facing all sorts of 'belonging' issues and to her, her race is clearly an important part of that.

Perhaps take the opportunity to show her you're trying to understand and engage in some reading.

The Mixed-Race Experience: Reflections and Revelations on Multicultural Identity amzn.eu/d/eY0kEf2?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[Barbs775]

I'm mixed race, black and white. Calling her a 'mixed race black child' is problematic and ignores other parts of her. Why point out the black when she's equally as much something else?

It's hard being mixed race, even harder being part black and having no black people in your home. My mum and dad separated when I was young. My mum knew nothing about afro hair, personal experiences of racism, terminology, etc etc. It was hard. When I was with my dad I could talk about all of these things, he bought the correct products for me hair, he lifted me up and made me feel proud to be who I am.

She may be aware of the statistics that show that black children are far more likely to be adopted if both parents are from a global majority background. That the breakdown of relationships for mixed race children and their foster parents are higher than any other group (there must be a reason for this though I'm not sure what).

It's all very complex and I can only advise that you treat her the same as you would anyone else and not take her comments personally.

[Foster29]

Wow - I thought this was a forum for help guidance and support for each other.
you have come at me for no reason. I’ve actually been told by both my sw and her sw that I’m doing a better job than others have and they have no concerns. It’s me that has the concerns and could do with hints and tips from others in the Same situation if there are any. And yes I know she’s a hormonal teen I’ve raised 4 girls if my own. But these issues are worse than any I’ve seen.
but thank you for taking the time to reply even though it was pointless opinion !

[Foster29]

Thank you. I’ve tried all of that. Patience galore. She is a unique character and very very clever. I’m told I’m doing good but sw only see a snippet of what’s going on and as much as we reach out for support they can’t give it like other fcarers can to each other.

[Londonscallingme]

@JamSandle

She sounds very ungrateful. Is this a placement you want to continue with?

What a horrendous thing to say. Of course she’s not grateful. Whatever the reason for her ending up in a Foster home she has been undoubtedly not been fortunate. Maybe she’d be grateful for a stable home and parents who love her snd are able to care for her? No offence to the OP I’m sure she is doing her absolute best but it’s a shitty situation for this kid whichever way you look at it.

[Foster29]

I never said I expected her to feel greatful ?
I ve done all the courses understand Trauma stress etc. I was reaching out to see if others were in the same situation and could offer tips etc
ive just been criticised and frowned on for saying how it really is and trust me there a lot more that she’s done etc. but I can’t put it out here.

[freya34]

Have people been racist towards her in the past? I am mixed race and I feel maybe she's challenging you because there's a deeper issue going on?

Communication is needed here. Talk to her.

[Foster29]

No words - thank you for your lack of understanding.

[Londonscallingme]

@Foster29

I never said I expected her to feel greatful ?
I ve done all the courses understand Trauma stress etc. I was reaching out to see if others were in the same situation and could offer tips etc
ive just been criticised and frowned on for saying how it really is and trust me there a lot more that she’s done etc. but I can’t put it out here.

I’m not sure if this was directed at me but I know you didn’t OP, I didn’t mean my post to come over like I was directing it at you. I was just expressing my disbelief that the poster I was responding to thought she should be!

I think anyone who Fosters kids is going an incredible thing. I’m sorry I don’t have any useful advice for you

[Foster29]

Sorry I got confused who I was responding to no worries and thank you for your kind words

[Melodyy]

@JamSandle

She sounds very ungrateful. Is this a placement you want to continue with?

This is a very disgusting comment. Shame on you.