Mixed race in whole family

[Foster29]

Can anyone help
struggling big time with a 13 yr old girl I’ve had with me since beg of September
she is mixed race and whilst agreeing fi come to us a white family challenges me on race all the time.
make makes comments about white race thsr could make her sound racist.
she cont picks arguments or try’s to. She loves drama and will delight in it. she is extremely clever so knows exact what she is doing. She says she sees this as a place to stay not a home and the new school she’s has to start she refuses to make any friends.
it’s all so hard. I don’t want to give in and give notice because it will show rejection again to her and she’s been through so much - but im Not enjoying the placement and nothing is seeming to work.
does anyone have a mixed race black child in a white family or any tips for hormonal traumatised teens
ive asked for support from sw but there is not a lot in my area
thank you for reading

I don’t know how it feels to be a mixed race in a white family because I’m not mixed race ivd learnt so mick since she came. And you’re right she can look after herself far better than my own children coulf at that age. I also was shocked to hear from her that she gets racial stares I didn’t know in this day that still went on
I have every empathy for her I’ve shown it told her and listened back to her. We are both learning to adapt and she has said she will educate people us if we want her
it’s a case of wanting help with her behaviours is why I came on. Thank yoj for your reply.

the colour issues she has

I genuinely don’t know what to say …

I can understand why you are feeling drained OP. Living in multicultural, multiracial household takes work and whereas poc grow up continuously acknowledging, confronting and operating within our racialised society, for you having race at the forefront is new. You are getting a taste of that, it really is mentally exhausting and being honest about that is not wrong.

Gaining a better understanding of her black heritage and the experience of mixed race children is a continuous task and you will not get it right in a matter of weeks. Your expectation of yourself here is unrealistic. It’s ok that you’re struggling, as long as you’re trying. In a lot of mixed relationships the white partner not only has the poc partner but also has probably had years worth of conversations about race before children.

She is of an age where she’s navigating her identity especially being mixed so not all the thoughts she verbalises will be fully formed or acceptable. Even as an adult I feel very apprehensive when going to places with little diversity. She will probably feel a lot more comfortable once she has made some friends. If there’s anything you could do to encourage that, maybe that’s something to focus on.

The black heritage experience isn’t just racism so perhaps as well as giving her space to talk about that perhaps try and connect with her by exploring her culture through positive things. Lighthearted books by mixed or black authors, fun films with mixed or black leads etc. Then re racism if she pulls you up on anything, don’t take it as an attack on your character. I mean this in the kindest way but everyone brought up here regardless of race will have been socialised with some anti black views. Even if you do your best at some point, you might verbalise something that you don’t think is racist. Even if you think it’s ridiculous, think about it in terms of impact not intention, Google it then have a convo about it. Just showing that you will try to empathise will go a long way. Chin up OP just do your best.

It sounds like you are getting through to her, but her understandable anger at being so visible and being stared at etc in a very white community is being targeted at you.

No personal experience of fostering, but a good friend of mine with Nigerian/Black American background (who speaks a very posh Kent accent after being fostered) used to joke at how visible she must have been as a child and would get in trouble at school when others would do the same thing and not be visible.

She married a white east Londoner and her mixed race daughter went through a period of being scathing towards my friend and calling her an Oreo (black in the outside, white on the inside). She also deliberately took on her dad's accent even though he was the white parent.

She grew out of it after a few years. She just struggled with her identity.

But adding this to the mix of other issues she has as a foster child would make it even worse.

Maybe be honest? Admit you are struggling to help her because you never had to navigate something like this, and it must be really hard being the only black child in a sea of white and to be stares at so much.

My DSs' babysitter, mixed race in a very white Surrey village, joked that the police must really care about her and her sisters' welfare because of the number of times they have pulled them over "randomly" while driving to breathalyse them and check the ownership of the car. She was an amazingly resilient young woman and I admired her greatly for being able to have that attitude.

@Foster29

She does not have ' colour issues'

Honestly, if you live in a very white community then maybe it's not the right placement for her, and I'm surprised at the SWs placing her with you on that basis.
I would never have adopted my son if I did not live in a diverse city, multicultural city where he could be part of a community with people who looked like him.
I would repeat though this is very early days, at three months in my adopted son was very difficult and to be honest his behaviour was vile, we got through it but you have to dig deep

I would be listening. And do my best to be understanding. You need a space to vent though. There is a post about tough teenagers. Maybe this is not the right place. She is expressing to you with anger a lot of things that she cannot elsewhere. It's absolutely exhausting but you are a safe space is she can do that. So cuddos to you. You are effectively doing a good job. Crazy talk about culture and colour has nothing to do with the fact that you are white. You could have a black parent with a black child acting up this way believe you me. You can read that again. Some children go culture war and skin war like other go goth. So listen and put some sense into what she is saying if it's out of whack but only in calm moments when you are sure she is listening. It's water over stone for the short while she is there. Talk about her culture in a positive way. She might be depressed by the winter (lack of light), she might be melancholic and simply miss the country, the food, the relationships. She is expressing it differently. Don't take it personally even if she is literally skinning you daily. I would watch "Blackish" with her and the "Goldbergs" and "Malcolm". That would be my diet. Make sure she has creams for her skin, and go for Temu for all kinds of stuff for her hair (why specifically, because of the wait, taht will make a talking point). EAch country has a culture, but each household has its own specific culture too. I would focus on that. This is what we the Smiths do. Now you might go down the road and see that the Tudor behave this way, but this is our way. (aka not the "white way". Tough. Big hugs to you, I hope that you can go through this.

What has her race got to do with anything?

The kid is making it about race. Op should not follow her lead.

Try to remember she's just a young girl and don't let her comments bother you. Try to make sure she feels heard. Just listen and let the words wash over you instead of holding them and reacting. She's trying to work some things out and the world isn't a kind place for people of color, especially females. She's going to be working stuff out the rest of her life. So let this be a time where she can safely do that. Maybe she will grow to see your home as more than just a house and take away things that will help her in a long term way. You have a wonderful opportunity there.

Sometimes it's just a bad fit. It's ok to admit that. Race appears to be a huge issue for her. Maybe she'd be happier with a family that represents her ethnic/cultural background? And that's ok too. I'm sorry OP, you sound so well meaning and kind.

MN so often throws up sanctimonious and pompous posters on threads discussing sensitive issues. Performative outrage rather than offering actual, kind, sensible advice seems to be the preference. It's just so tiresome. I'm sorry OP, you sound lovely.

Honestly - the terms sanctimonious and pompous are so much nicer than the words that used to be shouted at me in the street as a child in the 60s and 70s. And so much less distressing and depressing than the conversations we have had to have with the mixed race next generation of our family, almost from the moment they were born.

My advice is that this child would be very much better off with people who don’t have the phrase ‘colour issues’ in their vocabulary.

And that the institutions running the three courses the OP undertook probably need some serious revision, or maybe to have their funding withdrawn.

OP I have no experience of this but it seems to me to not necessarily be about race. She’s angry, she probably needs years of therapy, and “race” is how this is manifesting at present.
If this was the case in previous placements I am wondering why her social worker would have matched her with a white familiar though? Or maybe there was no other choice.
I would try to find some fostering support groups where you can ask for advice. And also remember that your commitment here is only for so long as you decide. If it’s not right for you then perhaps it’s also not right for her.

Has she ever had black or mixed people around her? Where was she before? My dd is 13. It's a horrible age. She's hot hormones flying about. She's probably feeling lonely and not knowing who she is and where she came from. Does she speak to any family?

I’m not following her lead I’ve told her that she can discuss race and culture if she wishes but that it’s not important etc. I’ve tried to reach out locally for other mixed race people etc. race isn’t the only thinner she challenges me on its food / religion/ politics of which I refuse to discuss any more because she literally days the opposite of what I’m saying even if she agrees so it’s one continually debate / argument

How long have you fostered? It doesn't seem like you have much experience? Surely you have a support network even online. Where is her social worker?

She came from a black foster family and a lot of the ways she’s acts are from her prev family ( not the race parts that is because she is living in a predominately white area ) I’ve spoken to the prev foster carer and she’s been really helpful but there were lots or issue there that’s why she asked to leave.

I have been foster for 3 years. I’ve had asuccessful placement for 2 years 9 months. This is my second placement / both her and my social worker are amazing and say jump doing good Because they know she is an extremely unique and difficult child. They also know she is a teen woth hormones and that will not be helping. I’ve raised 4 of my own girls through teen years. I am experienced jn teens but this very very difficult to Live with / I came on to get tips etc and maybe find other foster parents jn same situation. I think this was the wrong place to post. Ive been slatted and judged. It’s shocked me so much I never slept last night - I’m a very good foster parent just out of my depth - I’ve reached out to both sw they say keep going ! I’ve tried to get other mixed race people she can en around - we ve cooked food that she knows and likes as another issue is food. I don’t know what Else I could be doing.

Firstly, you have my respect for being a foster parent. You really do. It's a tough job I could never do.

However, I do agree with PP that you are not equipt to IAPT a child of another ethnicity. Please don't be so defensive and try to hear what people are trying to say.

Race is a very very VERY complex issue. Doing a few courses on diversity or whatever is not enough.

As a mixed race person (white and black) we do not experience the world in the same way as you. Not at all. In any aspect of life.

Race is about identity. At 13 she will be trying to discover her identity. It's already probably been ripped apart due to whatever landed her in foster care. Being mixed race in a white family will be harder than you think.

She may have said some things unacceptable, but she is probably a) hurting and very angry b) pushing boundaries deliberately because of a and c) unable to eloquently express her thoughts and feelings on race.

"I’ve asked her why she feels so passionate about her culture" - I'm sorry but this is incredibly ignorant. Why is your culture important to you?! It's her whole identity. I would definitely advise reading the books above and linking in with a black mentor/foster carer.

"Just praying this is all a faze and she will eventfully settle" - her identity is her identity and not a phase. She won't 'forget it' and it won't phase out as a topic in her mind. It's her BEING.

You need to find a way to converse with her about her race and identity but you are not prepared for that conversation evidently.

I would read the books and try to link in with someone, but to do that you have to be open and willing to explore A LOT. You (come across) to have a very defensive attitude which can be typical of some people challenged about race. Please be open and listen. PP here are right. Please mull over their comments with openness and not defence.

I wish you and this young girl luck.

Thank you. You are right. And the culture thing is only a part of tbe issues. Or many foster carers want to take on teens for lots of reasons and yes I was one of none that said ok - I thought this was a group for foster parents support as I put that into Google - I think from the amount of people starting me I was wrong. Thank you for your comments and you are right In the Main

I am completely shocked by this thread and wondering how many of the respondents are actually foster carers themselves. This is not what I would expect from the Adoption board that I frequent, and I am sad if this is how the fostering board. The OP is trying to do her role to the best of her ability. Even if you think her wording or approach is wrong there are far more helpful ways to say so.

Some responses are very helpful but there is far too much antagonism to wade through.

OP if you want this thread deleted then use the three little dots top right of the post and click report and request of mnhq.

Then maybe name change, wait a few days and ask again wording differently and you may have a totally different experience.

Also OP, your first hunch of messages completely ignore race as an issue despite it being the main issue and everyone's replies discussing how to broach the topic of race. That suggests you really don't get why she is commenting on race, or that you're really avoidant about talking about race. Or both.

"I also was shocked to hear from her that she gets racial stares I didn’t know in this day that still went on" - RACIAL STARES is not a thing? Odd terminology.

"The colour issue" is a terrible terrible statement.

If this is the terminology you use, I am not surprised she is acting the way she is. She probably senses your ignorance to be frank!

You have a lot of work to do and a lot to learn. I'm not being nasty OP. This is facts. Please don't read this with such blind defence!

You are right Im that I don’t really understand the culture snd race issues and I have idea what it feels like / but when is say it’s all a phase I mean her whole attitude and behaviour. The culture part is only a small part of it all snd in my op I should have worded it slightly diff. As that is what caused key board warriors to come out on force at the beginning. Which is why I got defensive becaue telling me negative things when they don’t know me is judging and I didn’t ask for judgment just tips etc and to see if anyone was in same situation

Nobody is ignoring just how hard foster caring is.

It's an unbelievably hard job. One I couldn't do.

Trying to change the lives of children is highly commendable.

People are shocked at OPs ignorance of race issues and they are trying to enlighten her as to her foster children experience.

People are shocked at the very old fashioned and racist terminology the OP has used.

If you cant see how OPs wording is problematic, then you are ignorant too.

This poor child probably sense the ignorance and is defensive to it.

If OP and other posters don't get this, or you read this with defence, you need to do some more work on race issues.

I think people are being incredibly harsh to the OP who came here for advice. PP appear to love ripping apart every comment but fail to realise that the OP will be being support and assessed by SS who according to the OP are perfectly happy with the way the foster child is being treated in OP's home. Certain PP seem to have a complete blank on it being anything other than race and seem to paint the foster child as perfectly in the right to behave as she has. However, if she does she may lose this placement like the OP said the foster child was asked to leave previous placements. Surely it's in everyone's interests and tbh society should be very grateful to people in OP's position as evidently whilst lots of people think they're doing better then OP not that many are actively joining up to do their job.