Mixed race in whole family

[Foster29]

Can anyone help
struggling big time with a 13 yr old girl I’ve had with me since beg of September
she is mixed race and whilst agreeing fi come to us a white family challenges me on race all the time.
make makes comments about white race thsr could make her sound racist.
she cont picks arguments or try’s to. She loves drama and will delight in it. she is extremely clever so knows exact what she is doing. She says she sees this as a place to stay not a home and the new school she’s has to start she refuses to make any friends.
it’s all so hard. I don’t want to give in and give notice because it will show rejection again to her and she’s been through so much - but im Not enjoying the placement and nothing is seeming to work.
does anyone have a mixed race black child in a white family or any tips for hormonal traumatised teens
ive asked for support from sw but there is not a lot in my area
thank you for reading

It doesn't sound like your household is equipped to support a child of a different ethnicity. I am the parent of a mixed ethnicity child. It's vital to educate yourself and read around the topic. Her experience in life is poles apart from yours. She currently has no connection to her cultural identity and she is "other" in your family.

Can you imagine moving to a country, let's say Japan and then being constantly berated for being white British... And standing out so much. It would be very hard.

You're doing a great job, I wonder if all the people giving you a hard time could do it, I doubt it. I've no advice, only thanks 🙂

I did this as a kid, to an extent. When everyone lets you down, all the time, when you have no one who truly loves you, when you are utterly, utterly alone and you know it's all just going to go wrong anyway, you just sometimes wreck everything in the first place. Self-sabotage.

You asking her why she feels so passionate is a very negative question; it implies that she shouldn't feel strongly about what she sees in the mirror, and how she identifies.

Identity is hugely important to everyone in terms of having a sense of self, but even more so in a mixed child living with a white family who have no idea about how to support her. If you truly want to help this child, you need to educate yourself on her background, and show some understanding, not rising to her (what seems provocative to you) questioning.

Wow! If somebody asked me that I'd be very offended. I have to agree with this comment.

Where I am in Se London there are a lot of African hairdressers, nail bars and beauty salons I think a hairdressers/beauty salon can offer great advice on products for her and at the same time you can have a special day out with her. Apologies if you've already tried this.

omg I have shown her respect. Understanding and taken 3 courses - I have educated myself on her culture etc. I did not put enough context into the post but as a family we have been nothing but accepting and respectful. both sw are happy with the progress. It’s just like I say a difficult placement but one I don’t want to end because I don’t want show her any more rejection than she’d already experienced. Life’s been tough for her. I just wanted to reach out. I wish I hadn’t now and I can’t work out how to delete this flipping post gehhh

Please remember you know nothing of her story or mine. If I did not think it was not a right match I would not of taken her on. If sw did not think I was the right person thru Woolf take her from me. We are monitored weekly I have a excellent social worker and so does she
thank you for your opinion on your limited knowledge though

You’ve had a really tough time here OP but you sound like a dedicated and caring person with a lot to offer the kids you care for including this current girl.

Its sad because you started this thread in openness for guidance and feedback but you got kicked in the face instead by a lot of angry posters.

Thank you for the kind words 1983Louise
keyboard warriors hey 🤦🏼‍♀️

I mean....I'm not a foster parent but I don't think 'you should be grateful we're having you' is the attitude to lead with

No wonder they can't recruit enough foster carers in the UK if they have to put up with the sort of shit comments the OP has had to put up with this on this thread.

AtrociousCircumstance
thank you. I’m feeling gutted and let down on a forum that actually is meant to support and help or so I thought. It’s done nothing but make me doubt myself even more than I was. And honestly after tonight’s barrage of back lash I won’t be reaching out again
key board warriors should remember that words are words said in text type or verbally and the wrong ones might just really push a persons fragile mental health to the limit.
thank you so much for reaching out x

bluebluegreen
exactly. It’s a tough ass job at the best of times. And i mistakingly took this thread to be a supportive one. Thank you for your kind input x

OP stood up to the plate and tried . Tell me, how many successful foster term placements have you been a part of ?

@Foster29

I'm a new foster carer with a 12 year old boy who has been with me since July. He is extremely challenging and has pushed me to the brink, at the moment I'm uncertain as to the long term viability of the placement. So I really do empathise with you.
But I'm also the the white parent of an adopted mixed race boy. In that capacity some of your language does jar with me. Im sure you dont mean it but take a step back for a moment.
The title of your thread, mixed race in 'whole' family. The use of the word whole could imply that you don't see her as whole. Why should she have to explain why she is passionate about her culture - ,she doesn't need to explain it, it's who she is, she doesn't need to justify her passion to you or anyone else.
Have you tried saying to her - look no I don't understand about X, Y, Z , but I reallt want to, can you sit down with me and show or tell me.
Lastly, remember that if she's only been with you since September, it's still really early days. Tonight following a meltdown I had a long conversation with my 12 year old. I agreed with him that being in care is crab, its not fair, that he has had no choice in any of the decisions which brought him to me. I chose him, he did not choose me. He has every right to be angry and I agree with him.
At the moment she needs to feel heard, listened to, and for whatever reason it sounds like she doesn't feel like that - I think that's what you need to crack.
It's taken 4 months but I think my fosterling is only just starting to believe that I am listening to him.
Good luck

@Foster29 Some people are too ready to tear others down if they don’t fulfil their ideal of what a totally ‘non-problematic’ person should do, say and be. It’s a shifting standard no one can live up to, including the judgers themselves.

Of course people need educating and issues do need to be raised but no one can learn whilst being kicked and torn to pieces. That only makes people more entrenched and resentful.

You posted in good faith looking for help and guidance. A lot of the guidance offered has been poisoned by sanctimonious judgement.

I hope you can pick through the positive or helpful posts and get some ideas on how to learn to support this child further.

im a Caucasian mom to our dual heritage children and connecting and being friends with Afro women helps all our families.. just the normality of mixing with people from everywhere reassures my daughter of her place in the world.. is that something you could do?

I applaud your patience.. all teenagers have their corners!

You have my sympathy, OP. 13-year-olds who are working through issues, be it race related or anything else, are very wearing. I taught a few like that, and it was hard. Your foster child has had her familiar circumstances - family, school, living arrangements - turned upside down and she feels absolutely no desire to be nice and especially not grateful. By just being there and putting up with her patiently and kindly you are helping her come to terms and settle.
I was always pleasantly surprised when girls who had been stroppy and difficult for years would breeze into my classroom after GCSE and greet me almost as an old friend - some even apologised for having been such a handful - "What was I like, Miss!'
We are lucky to have foster-carers like you.

Maybe she’s picking up some negative vibes off you, I’m south Asian and I would welcome a child of any race into my house but despite being a woman of colour myself I will not pretend to understand how it is for a black or mixed race child or any other race tbf. So I would be making sure I’m speaking to the right people who would know more about her challenges and I would want to be educated rather than thinking there is something ‘off’ about the child. I don’t even see what the issue is about her being very clever. I think that’s great and I bet she’s had to be ‘clever’ to ensure her survival.

It sounds like a challenging situation for all involved OP.

Is there a center for women of colour in your community? You could see if there are any groups there for her to join?

Have you tried sitting her down over a nice meal and asking her what she wants and how you can realistically help her achieve that? Might be a good starting point?

I meant to put white family not whole. I did not have glasses on 🤦🏼‍♀️I’ve only just realised it said whole.
its not just the colour issues she has it’s lots of things mainly anger. I get it I’ve told her she has every right to be angry and life’s crap etc. I’ve validated her feelings over and over again. Part of the race issue is we are a very white town and she feels she stands out. I do really feel for her. But her behaviour is wearing tiring and demanding and making me doubt the long term viability.