Mixed race in whole family

[Foster29]

Can anyone help
struggling big time with a 13 yr old girl I’ve had with me since beg of September
she is mixed race and whilst agreeing fi come to us a white family challenges me on race all the time.
make makes comments about white race thsr could make her sound racist.
she cont picks arguments or try’s to. She loves drama and will delight in it. she is extremely clever so knows exact what she is doing. She says she sees this as a place to stay not a home and the new school she’s has to start she refuses to make any friends.
it’s all so hard. I don’t want to give in and give notice because it will show rejection again to her and she’s been through so much - but im Not enjoying the placement and nothing is seeming to work.
does anyone have a mixed race black child in a white family or any tips for hormonal traumatised teens
ive asked for support from sw but there is not a lot in my area
thank you for reading

Racial stares is her terminology it’s what she calls them and both social workers have told me they do happen.
when I say the colour issues it’s because that what they are issues about her colour that she is challenging me on. I’ve not issues with her colour or culture nor do my children but she has - I’m defensive because of earlier replies. I wish I had never posted can’t work out how to delete it though. And there have been some useful comments that I taking on Bosrd. But in the main they have been judgemental rather that supportive and helpful

Thank you. They are wise words and you are right. Your input has been really insightful x

Thank you this is what she is doing.pushing me to push her away. Telling me she doesn’t think of this has home as we don’t know her etc. it’s her way of saying she isn’t settled. I’ve asked her if she wants to leave. She says no. Hopefully this will pass as she lets herself settle in the future. I’m not gonna give up on her even though I do feel like it. But I made a commitment to taker her in and as with our own children we don’t give them back when they got rocky times. I don’t want to show her more rejection. I was just reaching out for support but thing this was the wrong place

Why did the foster placement with the black family fail? I think you sound like a good person, OP, I couldn't do what you're doing.

This is mumsnet at its absolute worst. The OP is new to mumsnet; has come on specifically to the foster parents board to try and find some gentle guidance, encouragement and perhaps some solidarity from foster parents who’ve come across this particular challenge, and instead has been ripped to absolute pieces by people who would never put THEMSELVES forward to foster troubled, complex teenagers.

It’s not OP’s fault that she isn’t perhaps the ideal placement for this child; the system is shite and underfunded and this girl has been asked to leave her previous black foster family. OP was probably the only person they could get. Perhaps some of you could put yourselves forward as fosterers and help directly with children in this position instead of piling on the OP who has more than admitted she is out of her depth a bit and so seeking advice/courses/reassurance from her social worker.

Jesus fucking Christ.

This is ridiculous.

Trying to educate someone about their misinformed terminology and offering advice is completely fine. That's all I see here.

What is WILD, is meeting these comments with 'well you try and be a foster parent then'.

What the actual fuck 😂 ???

Yes this is Mumsnet at it's absolutely racist, microaggressive worst - the comments about well you try it then show this massively. Not to mention the extremely poor terminology used. Again shows a lack of understanding as to how this terminology is racist??

It blows my mind.

But this is the age old story time and time again. People responding to issues of race with nothing but defence and fragility.

People have a lot of work to do here, I utterly despair.

Nah @scoobysnaxx people are being purposefully rude to the OP. You can educate and offer advice without being nasty about it, especially to someone who’s clearly struggling.

I’m not white, so I doubt I’m being fragile and defensive as I’m secretly a racist. What I’m grumpy about is that MN can be a place of SUCH support for OPs in difficult situations; or SUCH cruelty, and it seems to just depend on time of day and the first few posters replies whether a thread will be helpful or hurtful. There’s just nae need.

This isn't just about a white family failing to foster a mixed race child sensitively/appropriately according to her race. The girl has come from a failed placement with a black foster family.
The OP may be phrasing things badly / not to current standards, but will attacking her for that help the girl? More helpful would be to say:

• this is the kind of terminology you should be using these days
• do you realise that she may be putting up with x,y,z
• have you tried doing a,b,c
• etc.

Plus, if the OP is just repeating phrasing from the teen herself, then why should the OP be attacked for that?

The OP needs experienced help to help separate where the racial issues are the primary issues for the girl, and where /whether she is actually using some of them as a shield to stop the OP getting to more deep rooted problems. If it was 'just' not fitting in due to race then presumably the previous placement would not have failed.

The PPs who posted links and helpful suggestions are way more helpful to the OP than those who focus on wording. Comment on wording by all means suggesting more appropriate, but at least also try to help the OP with her main problem too.

Attacking the OP for not being perfect when she was presumably the best available and is clearly wanting to help is not constructive.

I think a lot of posters on this thread have been unnecessarily critical. The OP is doing her best - she may not be doing everything perfectly right by the standards of the people not doing this themselves, but at least she's there and trying!
Presumably if there were suitable black or mixed race foster parents available for this child, she would have already been placed with them. So if she's with the OP it's because she would otherwise be in a care facility. No parent does everything perfectly and a lot of what this child is contending with, is outside of the OP's lived experience and she's doing what she can. Picking over her every word is not going to help either her or her foster daughter.

OP, I think she's rejecting you before you can reject her. Rejection has been what she's always known and getting in first is her protection mechanism. The truth is that the damage done to this poor little girl, might not be fixable. All you can do is to be there and show her love and patience and try to show her that she is safe with you. Try not to rise to the bait. Maybe she should be speaking to a therapist, as a professional might be able to help her process her thoughts and feelings regarding her life experiences so far. Let her talk and get out all her frustration - if you don't rise to her deliberate insults then maybe eventually she will stop doing it - the point of her saying these things is to push you into doing what she thinks you'll do eventually anyway.

@Foster29 I'm really sorry. I didn't even realise this was the fostering board. You have done the best thing coming on here asking others who have been in similar positions.

Really sorry we have all jumped on not having a clue what it's like for you. I wouldn't be able to do it. I can't handle my own teens.

Thank you for those kind words.I’m confused myself. I thought it was the fostering board but then not. Who knows. But thank you for apologising. No worries x

Thank you. You are 100% right with all of what you have said.
i was a last resort kind of thing. But we had her for two weeks respite and it was comp different - hence why all involved thought it was a good Match.
I’m not gonna let her make me reject her as much as I want to some days. I came into fostering to help damaged children it’s just this one I feel I’ve bitten a bit more off than I can chew. I will keep turning to my amazing sw for supppry. As I can’t seem to find others in my situation.
x

Given her age there’s also a chance what she is calling ‘racial stares’ might actually be the opposite sex starting to take an interest. I can remember myself suddenly getting lots of looks from men and wondering what the hell was going on.

Thank you so much. those words mean s lot as do the other helpful comments etc all of which I am taking on board.
I was left bruised last night from key board warriors that jumped to judging me. But reading some of the more positive ones has been more rewarding by far.
the things I’ve stated have been from her herself. I may not of been expressing myself correctly but there were lot ot comments that made me go on the attack as i honestly thought this was a fostering board and I would find support from other foster parents. X

Yes that could be it. But she thought two people that went past us in a supermarket and she said whispered were whispering about her colour. I’m to apologise and validate it according to sw. Even though we have no idea that it was about her colour.

OP, one of the downsides of MN is that neatly all the boards show up in 'Active' when lots of people are posting. So even though you posted specifically in the fostering board, it's been seen by people outside of that area. Lots of people do t really notice where a thread has been placed, if it pops up in Active.
This can sometimes be helpful because you get a wide range of views and a different perspective can be good. But otoh, it doesn't restrict comments to those who are in the same boat.

Perception is reality. If your foster daughter feels it was about her mixed heritage then she won’t hear otherwise. I do work alongside foster families and foster children and it really is a very complex situation as so much hurt has been done along the way.

i also recommend Facebook groups for all sorts of interests as they’ve helped me hugely for all sorts of problems and interests. If you think MumsNet has been unhelpful I wonder if you’ve tried searching for UK foster groups on Facebook and see if you can link up with people who are experienced. Possibly even local to you.

If I was in a supermarket with my child and two people seemed to be whispering about her, I'd be inclined to approach them and ask if there was a problem? You'd need to genuinely feel they were talking about her though, otherwise you'd be starting a row over nothing. If you were certain then maybe she needs to see you actively looking out for her.
This may be terrible advice though - I'm not a social worker. But it's what I'd do if I was with my child and I felt this was happening.

At the same time, I think you need to reassure your child that not all looks and comments are about her or negative and that sometimes our perception can be 'off', because of how we are feeling in ourselves. And that when people are being negative, the problem is with them and not her. The world is full of mean arseholes and there's not a lot you can do, except learn that they are the flawed human beings.

OP, I think she's rejecting you before you can reject her. Rejection has been what she's always known and getting in first is her protection mechanism. The truth is that the damage done to this poor little girl, might not be fixable. All you can do is to be there and show her love and patience and try to show her that she is safe with you.

I agree with this, hurt people hurt people. All she needs is lots of love and reassurance that you care, that someone cares.
There's a black mumsnetters board and you might get better practical advice there.

@Foster29

My assessing SW for adoption was black. I had a referee who lived in Cornwall so the SW decided to combine a holiday with interviewing her. When she came back she said she had never felt more 'black' in her life, because people stared.
More recently a black friend of mine moved from London to South Wales, they have had a lot of issues because they stand out, people do stare.
Where I live mixed race kids, black kids with white mums are 10 a penny, we don't stand out. But I have taken my son to places with few or no other black people around. People do stare and whisper.
Two weeks respite is very different to the reality of being the new girl at school, in a year where friendship groups have formed, and on top of that, possibly being the only black kid in the class.

You do not have to be perfect. Nobody is. You are standing in the gap, the most ungrateful position. I am grateful for what you are doing. As you read, you will be able to decipher what is going on with her. It seems she never experienced unconditional love. " Big hugs OP.

@Foster29 I would ask if this can be hidden from Actives.

OP. Just chanced upon this, I'm not a foster parent, my partner is mixed race but there's not much overlap in experience so can't offer any advice from that angle, but wanted to suggest you take a curious and empathetic angle. Ask her why she feels the way she does, validate it without agreeing if you don't agree, ask her to talk you through her hair and skin care out of curiosity and wanting to learn more (you might foster more black or mixed race kids in the future and it's always good to expand your knowledge, generally) Could you shop for ingredients and cook meals together that she likes? Go to an Afro beauty shop, or look online? Watch films with black themes, particularly political ones to draw out the discussion about the themes of the films? Find out more about Black Lives Matter etc? You don't have to agree or argue, just be curious.

I suspect the comments about only respecting black people is aimed at undermining you and your confidence and I think you should allow comments like that to roll off you. This child is used to being rejected and is looking to test your mettle.

I think it would probably be really helpful to acknowledge that you haven't had the same experiences as her and that of course you don't know exactly what it is like to live life as a mixed race teenager - or as a mixed race teenager in care. But that you can imagine and are open to hearing what she is experiencing. Don't try to "fix" things for her as this is a societal issue and she may feel that you are being dismissive if you rush to suggest solutions.

You can have bottom lines in your home and be clear in your expectations. Maybe talk to her about what her goals and ambitions are and talk about how she expects to meet them.

This poor child sounds like she has had a shit time of it and fair play to you for seeking more advice. Would your supervising social worker be better placed to talk through the issues with you and suggest ways to address your concerns?

Omg only Jude saw this reply. Thank you so much. You are abs spot on. Lack of fp that will take teens. Lack of black fc.etc. i have an amazing sw who is even coming on a course I’ve booked myself on to do she can help support etc.
it was more other fp in the same situation that have walked in my shoes I was looking for. Mumsnet hey more like a place to be judged and slatted 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️x