Mixed race in whole family

[Foster29]

Can anyone help
struggling big time with a 13 yr old girl I’ve had with me since beg of September
she is mixed race and whilst agreeing fi come to us a white family challenges me on race all the time.
make makes comments about white race thsr could make her sound racist.
she cont picks arguments or try’s to. She loves drama and will delight in it. she is extremely clever so knows exact what she is doing. She says she sees this as a place to stay not a home and the new school she’s has to start she refuses to make any friends.
it’s all so hard. I don’t want to give in and give notice because it will show rejection again to her and she’s been through so much - but im Not enjoying the placement and nothing is seeming to work.
does anyone have a mixed race black child in a white family or any tips for hormonal traumatised teens
ive asked for support from sw but there is not a lot in my area
thank you for reading

Anyways, OP have you tried asking her reasoning behind all the questions about race. Sounds to me like she has bad experiences before regarding this very topic so it could be why she keeps bringing it up. Like someone else said above, it's a deeper issue. Sometimes mixed race people feel like they don't belong to either group.

I agrée with the couple of posters that are mixed race themselves. And with you actually.

The challenges she has ARE different than other white teenage girls.
I don’t think it’s about your own ability to look after her but the fact there are struggles you’ll never have encountered yourself. Plus the fact She clearly feels on an ejector seat - that you’ll drop her quickly (like all the other foster carers before you?).
she might have been on the receiving end of racism (overt or not) from previous foster carers too.

Im wondering if you could find a ‘mentor’ (fir want of a better word!) fir her. A black person (woman?) that could help her navigate racism, feel good about her own heritage etc…
Racism is clearly an issue for her. That’s why she is bringing it so much. But I’d suspect you’re not the best person to help her around that subject iyswim

@Foster29 you are doing an incredibly difficult job- I admire you.
pp suggestion of “ mentor” is a very good one- any other local groups etc that could help. But 🌺🌺 to you.

OP I find it worrying that you're being so defensive towards PP whove suggested reading material. I thought you wanted to learn how to best support this child in your care?

I didn’t know reading material has been suggested.
I came on to find others in sane boat.
ive done courses.
ive got an amazing sw.
I guess this. was the wrong place- I never knew other mums could be so judgmental.

OP how does is the mixed race poster who has told you about her life experience been judgemental? Or the person who advised you to get a mentor who is black?

Personally I think you should tell your SW this foster placement has failed as you are very defensive towards others who are trying to help you.

BTW I came on here to post that exactly what a friend, who was a foster mother, did and her foster daughter still have a great relationship years later.

Yes we have talked loads.
you cannot reason with her
ivr been incredibly patient with her as have my own children. She knows what she is doing. And it’s pushing me as far as she can to see if I will reject her. I won’t.
but it’s very hard living with her attitude - constant race issues that only she brings up - the latest is she only respects black people ( she’s in a white family ) I know exactly why she is like she is. I’ve done lots of training since being a f p but it still does not make it easy to live with it 24/7 it’s tiring and draining

and I don’t know who I’m replying to on here so my reply’s may not make sense.
im not trying to be defensive to any one. I came on for tips etc.

a few have jumped the gun towards me in a angry way. That’s not fair.
ivd done training. Reached it to sw.
talked to her. Talked to prev fc - tried to do stuff with her one to one.

nothing works. She does not want to be here. But when asked if she wanted to move she said no !

she’s had to move to another county and I knew it was not going to be going to easy but I’m tired drained and very very sad that I can’t Make or get her settled.
I’m a goof foster parent. I’m in it for the right reasons to help children I care and nurture. But she just won’t let me.

OP has she got people that look like her or other black people in her life at the moment?

There are simply some things that you due to what you look like cannot solve no matter how much training you have had. It is nothing you have done wrong.

It sounds like talking about race makes you feel uncomfortable; if you are to have any success with connecting with your foster DC, you need to get comfortable with it.

I'm not sure what country her heritage is from, but perhaps you could look into some resources from that country for her, to show you are trying to support her.

Also you could look up some YouTube tutorials on hair/makeup and offer her a girlie night in together, if she is into that sort of thing.

OP, I would give up on this thread. It seems like the only responses are from people who want to make you feel somehow guilty for trying to help this girl. fWIW, it does sound as if she would have more in common with most of the PP’s . Perhaps they could offer to foster her, instead.

It must be particularly complicated for her as many of the general foster child issues surrounding identity, belonging, and trauma intersect with some of the big societal issues that are at the forefront right now (race, ethnicity, group identity etc). That must feel impossible to navigate without a family unit that she feels come from the same perspective as her.

As much as you can, I would let her know that she is raising questions about clearly big important issues for which you can't even begin to have all the answers, but that you see her for the amazing individual that she is and want to give her the space and support to say whatever she needs to and figure out what she thinks over time. And that your heart and family go far beyond race and will always have a seat kept warm for her. Rinse and repeat.

If she says she only respects black people, then I would tell the social worker that she needs to live with someone black that she can respect.

You seem patient and kind, but how is her behaviour impacting the other children in your home?

You’ve said you find the thread ‘judgemental’ - when people are just offering their opinions.

but it’s very hard living with her attitude - constant race issues that only she brings up - the latest is she only respects black people ( she’s in a white family )

I simply don’t see what this child is doing wrong. Where is the actual fault in being ‘very very clever’ and talking about race - as a black foster child in a white family?

I would imagine it's the bit about not respecting anyone who's not black

I’ve had amazing relationship with prev foster children too im pulling the whole thread because apart from a few of of you none have been very kind.
what happened to being kind and offering support to others. 🤷‍♀️

What happens if you just go along with it and keep the conversation going? You know she’s trying to provoke you. She knows it too. But if you probe a bit more you might get her to think about why. So if she says ´I also respect black people’ you don’t argue or tell her she’s wrong, you ask more questions.
So she says ´I only respect black people’
You say ´Is that so? Have you got any black teachers at school at the moment?’ Or ´Do you think that we need proportional numbers of black doctors so that black patients feel respected.´ Or ´do you think we should we have racial or ethnic quotas in parliament to try to make sure everyone feels represented?’Or more personally ´Have you ever had a black social worker? Or ´do you respect Mrs Ndiye (your social worker) then?´ Get her talking about it, without rising to the obvious thing of it meaning she doesn’t respect you as her foster parent.

I haven't seen anything unkind just pp trying to offer an insight into how the girl is feeling. I'm not sure what you were hoping for.

This

There are so many messages I’ve styghlec yo keep up.
thxnk you to all of your people that have offered advise - I will look at the book link someone suggested.
I’ve asked her why she feels so passionate about her culture and she says she doesn’t know. i try to get her to talk lots. But ita hard and it ends up with her trying to debate with me all the time which is so tiring. She has her answers ready before you have replied - just praying this is all a faze and she will eventfully settle.

That's an interesting phrase " other mothers" you are not this child's mother, you are being paid to offer her a supportive environment. She is 13 and clever, she will know this. I think the only practical advice here is " ride it out".

Before this thread goes pop! I’m going to be blunt.

The things this 13 year old has been saying are completely natural given her circumstances and recent re-homing. It is, forgive me, slightly horrifying that you give the impression of seeking strategies to shut her down. If she were fostered with a black family her foster parents would neither be alarmed by her intelligence, nor disturbed by her trenchant comments. Probably they’d be most concerned with making sure she does her homework - an excellent education being the most powerful tool a black or mixed race young woman can have in 21st century Britain.

No, because mixed race black/white children are viewed and treated as black in a way they are not treated as white. You cannot possibly compare the two experiences. Many mixed race people identify as both mixed and black. Rarely identify as white unless they are very Caucasian appearing.

She's not supposed to be grateful 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I’ve asked her why she feels so passionate about her culture and she says she doesn’t know.

How dare you?

Fuck me. Why would you say something like that?

I could weep for this girl.

It is not your fault, but you are not the right person to be responsible for bringing her up.

Does your local authority or agency offer training on anti racist practice and cultural competence?