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Original poster

I think we've reached the end of our road

174 replies

EarthMotherImNot · 22/02/2011 17:18

Title says it all reallySad

Since our last lo left a few weeks ago Dh and I have endlessly discussed whether to carry on as Fc's.

Her leaving affected us both badly, probably due to her difficult start in life and how intensely we worked with her for so long.

I have a supervision meeting due in a week or so and I'll probably tell my sw then.
We very much want to see our current lo on to his adoption next month but I'm worried they'll move him instead so I'm considering just keeping quiet until he leavesBlush

It hasn't been an easy decision and I've dithered about it some days but we aren't getting any younger and the paperwork and training seems neverending and often not even geared to our age group.

I get tired of hearing sw's speak of manditory training when we are, in effect unpaid childcare.

I think the last straw was being "told" I "must" attend a course on "managing difficult behaviour" we foster newborns for gods sake!

OP posts:
maypole1 · 22/02/2011 18:16

oh dear have you thought of adoption or long term then of course you wouldn't have to let them go.

or how about respite for carers who are on holiday

but i am sure you have already thought of all the options such a shame sw cannot give experienced fc more support

SquidgyBrain · 22/02/2011 18:16

I wish you nothing but good things for your future what ever you decide x

scarlet5tyger · 22/02/2011 21:26

Hi EMIN, I was in much your situation after my last placement left. In fact the whole placement was very similar to the LO you're talking about - drug addicted and very, very poorly at birth; then VERY attached to me when she left (after 17 months here from birth she was bound to be). To be honest, she took a bit of my heart with me when she left and I still think of her a lot every day.

I don't want to teach you how to suck eggs or anything but it's still a very recent loss and you might feel differently once you get your teeth into a new challenge.

On the other hand, the paperwork and the demands on foster carers increase every month and it's a difficult time for us all in general with less support available all the time because of the government cuts.

At the end of the day only you can decide what to do but just from reading your posts on here I can tell you'd be a huge loss - just reading the humour in some of your posts about your last placement helped me when I was going through a few months of hell with my own current placement.

XXX

hester · 22/02/2011 21:38

Oh EMIN, you would be a great loss to fostering. Why don't you take a little time off and see how it feels then - you must be exhausted and emotional right now.

All best xxx

pissedrightoff · 22/02/2011 21:56

Hi EMIN
Followed your thread about your lo and I must say that I can only imagine the emontional effect these situations must have on you and your family.

Maybe take some time out and think again in 6 months?

Sorry thats probably not all that helpful really, You would certainly be a loss to the fostering network.

I would also like you to know that I shared your story of your last lo with a friend of mine who was so inspired she and her DH are now applying to become foster carers.

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 23/02/2011 07:15

Thanks everyone especially pissedrightoffSmile It's heartwarming to know our story has led to new carers.

We have thought long and hard about this but it always comes down to all the extra demands/little support etc. Our sw is so overwhelmed with cases she has put us in the hands of her trainee sw. We can, of course, ring her if we have any issues but it feels very much like we've been "dumped" IYSWIM

Towards the end of our last case I had to cry off a meeting with adoption because I had something on that day. I submitted a report on the lo with my apologies but then had a call from adoption querying my prior arrangemnets importance.

My sw then rang and I had to explain myself again.

Her words "you MUST attend meetings, you know that, this is so unlike you"

I eventually told her my prior arrangement was a memorial service for my godmother/aunt who had died a few months previously.

Why should it be me who has to fall in with their plans, just once it would be nice if they fell in with mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 23/02/2011 07:17

Thanks everyone especially pissedrightoffSmile It's heartwarming to know our story has led to new carers.

We have thought long and hard about this but it always comes down to all the extra demands/little support etc. Our sw is so overwhelmed with cases she has put us in the hands of her trainee sw. We can, of course, ring her if we have any issues but it feels very much like we've been "dumped" IYSWIM

Towards the end of our last case I had to cry off a meeting with adoption because I had something on that day. I submitted a report on the lo with my apologies but then had a call from adoption querying my prior arrangements importance.

My sw then rang and I had to explain myself again.

Her words "you MUST attend meetings, you know that, this is so unlike you"

I eventually told her my prior arrangement was a memorial service for my godmother/aunt who had died a few months previously.

Why should it be me who has to fall in with their plans, just once it would be nice if they fell in with mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 23/02/2011 07:18

oopsBlush sorry

OP posts:
kellykateneedsaholiday · 23/02/2011 10:38

Hi
Ive never posted in the fostering section before but have been following your thread and wanted to say what a wonderful job you ( and other foster carers) do.

When my youngest is a good bit older and we have a bigger house then we are hoping to become foster carers too.

I hope that in a few years when we are doing it that we can do as good a job as you do.

My dh and some of his siblings were in foster care when they were children and their mother was ill for a while and had mixed experiences so it makes us want to be good foster carers and make a difference to some childrens lives.

Good luck whatever you decide to do, you sound like a wonderful foster carer.
x

HaveToWearHeels · 23/02/2011 16:45

EMIN, I was only thinking of you today, after I got my period and I knew that I wan't prgnanet AGAIN and the journey towards adoption takes one further step.
After reading your last thread I can totally see where you are coming from. You and DH must me emotionally and physically drained.
What ever you decide is the right decision for you and your family Huge UnMumsNetty Hugs.

sumum · 23/02/2011 16:54

Noooooooooooo.

Oh emin, I soo know how you feel.

I do think FC do at some point run out of steam, lo's leaving takes so much out of us that we must reach burn out sooner or later.

Each child that goes does take a little bit of my heart and I would hate to get to the point where I didn't care and was just going through the motions.

It is clear from your posts that you care deeply and that does come with an emotional cost to you.And I understand about the paperwork and training as well.

However maybe you just need a break, like others have said.

I would hold off from telling sw a little bit longer.

Hugs to you both.
xxx

nickschick · 23/02/2011 17:01

A old fashioned foster mother once told me that when the first child you foster leaves they take a piece of your heart away with them so that every child after fills it Smile she was in her 90s and had been fostering for years.

Stick at it theres so many children who need you.

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 23/02/2011 17:25

Thank you allSmile

I've just spent a lovely day with our 5 month old fc and the doubts are creeping in.

I've spent almost 24 years doing this "job" and I'm not sure what I can do "afterwards" IYSWIM This is all I'm good at reallyBlush

OP posts:
RipVanLilka · 23/02/2011 17:30

EMIN, been following your thread about your last LO, and it has been very moving and heartwarming, but some parts of it sound so ridiculous, i can see why you question that!
Truly, I think you would be a loss to fostering :)

I hope you feel a little better soon

Lilka xx

RipVanLilka · 23/02/2011 17:31

meant, some parts of fostering you describe sound ridiculous eg. difficult behavior training course when you foster babies

p99gmb · 23/02/2011 18:54

Dear EMIN... so glad to hear that you have doubts about quitting already... I am at a loss when my 2 LO's go to contact for 2 hours!!! - so I did wonder what you would find to fill your time.

A home is only a house without the sound of children and laughter imho.

Huge thank you also to NICKSCHICK for that lovely saying... I am going to try really hard to believe that when these first LO's move on.

I can imagine how drained you both may feel at the moment, but you are my inspiration so you just bloody well can't stop now!!! Wink

SenSationsMad · 23/02/2011 21:06

I second that p99 Grin

nickschick · 23/02/2011 21:09

Grin ill 3rd it.

SenSationsMad · 23/02/2011 21:42

((((( this is so NOT MN bullying)))))))

nickschick · 23/02/2011 21:49

Grin ......we are all gonna get kicked over to netmums soon Smile.

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 24/02/2011 09:07

Feeling the luuuurve Grin

Dh thinks I should wait and see how I'm feeling when the sw visits us. He too is worried they will move lo immediately which, given he will meet his new family in a few weeks, would be awfulSad

I'm worried about making the decision based on my grief when he leaves so I just don't know what to do (sigh)

OP posts:
Minnerva · 24/02/2011 10:21

Emin I have nothing more to add to the lovely messages from the other posters except to say I understand exactly where you are coming from.I have been at this just a tiny percentage of the time that you have and I am already frustrated by the never ending paperwork and pointless training that accompanies this wonderful job.
Please,as other people have said,take a break to recharge your batteries and have a long hard think about everything.Our world would be a lot emptier if wonderful fosterparents (Yes I said parents not CARERS!)like you and your dh became so disillusioned with fostering that you just gave up.

I am so,so sorry that your sw appears to have abandoned you-probably thinks that you are so experienced that she can safely hand you over to a trainee without any worry but unfortunately she has not thought it through properly-I too would feel abandoned.

Having said all that-if your time has come and the loving nurturing home that you have provided for all those little foslings that have passed through your doors-is to shut then it must be.But please think very carefully about making this decision,you are very bruised and your poor heart is weeping with the hole that this lo has left.

I am thinking of you EMIN and I know whatever you decide will be the right decision.You are a wonderful example to us all here on mumsnet and long may it continue. Wine

xx

Original poster
EarthMotherImNot · 24/02/2011 12:03

Oh Minnerva, your lovely post has made me crySad How beautifully you put my feelings, thank you.

I know the grief at our last lo leaving is still very raw, in fact some days I'm ashamed to say, I put her photo that we have in a large frame in the living room, face down, as I cry when I glimpse her.

I know this is the price we pay for the joy of caring for these babies but sometimes the pain is just too much. xxx

OP posts:
sumum · 24/02/2011 12:23

Oh emin, poor you. You are really grieving.

I can never have photo's out of children who have moved, it is too painful if you catch an unexpected glimp. I do carry little photos in my bag so I can have a sneaky peek when I need to.

Please don't make any descisions about your future now, you feelings are too raw.

Take a few weeks after the next lo goes and see how you feel. You might be reveling in the free time or be longing for another one. Then you will have your answer.

((((more hugs))))

corsa100 · 27/02/2011 21:47

Awww EMIN. So sorry you are going through this trauma (and trauma it bloody well is!)

I was in exactly the same position two years ago. LO was so attached to me and I also had a very strong bond with him. When he was placed for adoption I requested to adopt him, but SS wouldn't hear of it. Told me as he was only 18 months old they would have no problem finding a "Suitable, loving family" for him. Hence my very first vitriolic argument with LA. It appears that foster carers are fine to deal with the demands of damaged children, and all that working with thier birth families brings, not to mention the sometimes unreasonable demands of a newly qualified and clueless social worker. BUT after giving your heart and soul to a LO, foster carers feelings and knowledge are discarded onto the shitpile. (Sorry for my language Blush but your post has brought it all back to me.

Another time I was begged to adopt a 12 year old (who was so badly damaged that she was deemed to be unadoptable by a "suitable, loving family").

I really hope you stay to provide another LO with the love and security he or she desperately needs.

I honestly dont know if it is best for you to take a break whilst you get your head, and heart, together or dive straight in to another challenge but I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.

Take care
x