Argument over food with my 9 yo dd - please help me calm down.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

DD was a fussy eater as a little child and is still quite fussy now. Aside from the pickiness, lately, she has not been eating her packed lunch, or correction, not eating all of it. Since Christmas, I have made all my own bread and the slices are quite large. Dd kept coming home with her 2 slices of bread hardly touched so I started giving her the smaller ends of the bread. Then she complained that the crusts were too chewy (although she liked that before) so now she only has one large slice of bread.

Even so, lunch comes home uneaten. Sometimes it is the bread, (too much, or yucky filling although she only ever has the filling she chooses) sometimes it is the fruit. Today, for the second time this week, she did not eat all her lunch. Before you say I am giving her too much, she took one slice of bread with Bovril on, one yoghurt and one banana. The banana came back uneaten.

I admit I saw red and told her to sit down and eat the banana (she was asking for a snack so I know she was hungry). She refused. Cue huge row. Me ranting, her screaming and crying. I sent her to her room. I am absolutely seething because I feel she should be able to eat 3 small items at lunchtime, and we really shouldn't be having rows about food now she is 9. It is not as if I give her to things in her lunchbox she does not like.

She wears me down. I also have 3 sons. The oldest and youngest have never been such fussy eaters, and the middle one (who, in his day was the fussiest of all of them) is now thankfully willing to try foods he does not like. Why does dd have to be so difficult? What can I do to a) calm down and b) solve this problem.

PS I made chocolate brownies for them all this pm as I like making a treat they all enjoy for Friday afternoons/ teatime. But this row with dd has taken all the joy out of this treat as I now don't want her to have any of it.

Oh, and I never present bland options as children's food. I always say 'we've got rice and two sauces' and we choose what we like. DH quite often goes for both!

Misshardbroom, I understand and agree with what you are saying. I tend to make one meal and have always been strong about eating as a family (though not usually with dh and he is often not home until later). When mine were little, I felt it was important that we all ate the same, with some minor variations to keep everyone happy.

But yes you are right, my children are older now and I do feel they need to broaden their range of foods, and also learn that they should try all the different foods given them (if they try and don't like, I don't force the issue). I don't try them with new things all the time, but I do see it as my duty to at least attempt to broaden their diets. If everything on the table was a choice, I know they would not pick new things enough to grow accustomed to those new flavours/textures.

This might be a wanky bollocks suggestion but here goes:-

Do a chart on MS Word or summat with each day of the week down one side and then Fruit, Fruit, Veg, Veg, Smoothie across the top.

Talk to her about the 5 a day stuff and tell her that so long as she ticks a box under each heading per day, she can eat (more or less) what she likes. Her choice of fruit/veg etc.

My guess is she's wolfing a couple of bits from her lunch box as quickly as possible so she can run outside with her mates.

Another suggestion - get a packed lunch suggestion recipe book from the library and go through it with her, letting her choose what she might like to try. Just to freshen up her choices.

Make her bake some of the bread herself as well - she'll eat the stuff then!

For what it's worth, I saw my arse over this exact same issue last year and kids got barked at when they came home. It worked

herbietea, yes . I remember being so disappointed when the cheese scones failed to grab her as they had worked really well and were delicious. Ds2 ate some and I ate some but everyone else rejected them and they ended up going mouldy and had to be thrown out

Doodle2u, thanks for that. Would a chart with 2 a day be ok? I honestly don't think she would ever achieve 5 a day right now.

OP- please be careful in turning food into a control issue. My mother did (she also regarded me as the most difficult of her children) and I ended up with eating disorders as a result. Not saying this will happen here of course but do be aware.

Well 2 a day is better than nowt. Bump it to three when she's ready.

The teach her some good swear words and put her on the 10/10 thread!

I like Doodle2U's wanky bollocks suggestion

might try it myself with dd who is having pasta & pesto for dinner because I was just plain too tired to take her on!

When dd started on packed lunches I told her that she had to eat the sandwich first and then one piece of fruit. Then she could eat anything she liked of what was left. (I always hide 2 squares of chocolate too, but she must eat the fruit and sarnie.)

What she comes home with (and I know I give her a lot) is usually chopped carrot, cucumber and a second piece of fruit. She eats them when she gets home. Then she can have crisps/biscuits etc.

Ive got a plan

I think she fills up on homemade bread (yum) and then feels to full to eat at that time so inevitably feels hungry and needs a sugar rush by the time she gets home.

I think a half sandwich,with some chopped up fruit (she can chop it up the night before and store in the fridge perhaps an apple a satsuma and a few grapes/strawbs whatever is on offer in a bit of orange juice or lemon) next day at school she can either eat this as it is or tip it on her yoghurt.
A packet of raisins and maybe a tiny homemade cookie.

all the other girls will see her chopped up fruit and want them too,in fact what you could do is buy cheap tinned fruit and drain the syrup away.

I have 3 dc and appreciate you cant afford to cater to everyones whims but I was amazed to see how little (cheap) 'luxuries' make lunch more appealing.

DG, I completely sympathise!

As I've said god knows how many times, my ds has been a fussy eater since he was 18 months old. He's now 5 and slowly improving and expanding his repetoire.

My dd is 8, would try most things without rejecting them out of hand blah blah blah, but has recently turned into a fussy eater herself. Actually fussy is the wrong word, I think I mean selective!

It has coincided with back chat and all sorts of unexpected and out of character behaviour.

I think my dd is testing boundaries blah blah blah. But I don't really know!

Has your dd always or generally been fussy re food?

dumbledore's girl,
I could have written your post . I have two boys and a girl all in primary school,

My daughter and one son's lunches would come home hardl y eaten and when they got home they would be asking for other stuff before teatime .
Like you I went a bit mental at them on more than one occasion.I still do.
I FULLY APPRECIATE this is a less then ideal response by me.

I now give a tiny lunch (sandwich made from one slice of bread and one piece of fruit) as otherwise it comes home uneaten. They STILL moan about sandwich fillings . Something they loved the previous week turns into something they hate this week

Oh god nickschick, I love your plan.

BUT, she is already on half a sandwich - literally she eats as small a sandwich as her 6 yo brother.

And she only eats apples (peeled) bananas (not mushy and warm!) and occasionally grapes (but she recently said I give her too many - I have never given her more than 10 max).

I wish she would eat a little medley of fruit, even if it was one piece of each fruit. Just the fact that she put other fruits in her mouth would be fantastic.

AxisofEvil, of course, yes, this is the very thing I am worried about. None of this is about me being a witch of a mother, insisting on my child eating horrid things and depriving her of nice things as some have seemed to suggest. It is all about giving her a healthy diet and bringing her up to have positive attitudes towards food. I hear what you are saying and I quake, I really do. Hence the thread I guess.

Mrsblanc and Mercy, I feel your pain. Nice to know there are others out there who feel mine.

(Oh and as a complete aside, Mercy, how lovely to see you. I so miss your wisdom!)

This very minute there is an argument about food going on around me.
Dd has politely requested tea from the chip shop.(she rarely makes any request of this sort)
I have replied "yes, what a good idea. "
DS1 is now whining and moaning that he does not want this.

What sort of kid (or adult!) does not appreciate a chippie once in a blue moon?

DG - I do feel for you. But if it's any help, I was a total little sod of an eater when I was a kid. Really hugely fussy. I now eat a very healthy, widely varied diet and I'm sure this is because my Mom always provided a good example of what a good diet should be (even if I never ate it at the time!).

For ages the only lunch I would eat was peanut butter sandwiches, open face, with fresh sliced strawberries (no jam allowed), and marshmellows. How Mom even struck on that winning combination, I don't know.

So try your best not to worry too much or get too wound up.

And yeah, of course she shouldn't have brownies if she hasn't eaten lunch. Fair enough. But maybe offer one after dinner if she does a good job eating that?

Good luck!

I wish everyone would stop mentioning the brownies because now I really really want one

Op it's good you are aware of the issue. I totally sympathize with your situation and it is clearly hard particularly when you have budget constraints. Do be aware though that it might be totally about healthy eating for you but could become about control for her.

dd also used to not finish her packed lunch because she was talking throughout lunch then rushing to get out to play!

Do you give her a snack when she comes out?

I find this is the perfect time to give them fruit.

When the nanny started doing packed lunches, she put in about half the amount and lots more different bits than I used to put in and suddenly, the lunches started to come back eaten. I think I was just putting far too much in (and far too much of one thing).

Think the lots of little different bits is the way to go and a treat on Friday .

They sound like mine mrsblanc. Ds2, who was always the fussiest eater, used to astonish outsiders as he also would not eat chips, sweets, etc - so fussy not just about healthy foods but also unhealthy things. I have got him over the chip thing, and not bothered about the sweets, though even that is a pain sometimes eg when you want to buy a little treat for them and you know the 3 others would be happy with sweets but ds2 has to have something else.

Oh, missed Mercy's question: yes she has always been fussy. I am hoping it will get better as I really don't want food arguments when she gets to those critical teenage years. Ds2 is 11 and has become a lot better at trying things or eating things he would prefer not to. I really hope dd does the same. I cannot imagine what your dd is up to if she used to be a good eater. I suppose 8/9 is the age children start asserting themselves against their parents, maybe?

Oh and the brownies are now for pudding - hope that helps people to see I am not a witch.

the other thing my nanny did which worked really well was to get dd to try a new food every week

because she had a lot of foods she wouldn't eat too (like bananas for example) so all she had to do was make an effort each week to try a new thing

it's worth doing that at this age I think because they are still fairly receptive and you can decide on a treat

Havent read the whole thread but the OP sounds like she is talking about my DD2 (8). I think with my DD2 there is an element of wanting to be in control and resenting always having things imposed on her - she is a very independent type and from her point of view it must be hard to have to get permission to eat something she wants (already she is hoarding money away so when I say "no" in a shop she will say "well I will buy it myself then").

Anyway I would bear in mind that she probably is very hungry and her temper and mood will be affected by the fact she is hungry. Maybe relax the rules a bit sometimes.

I have just sat down to dinner with dd (almost 11). Everyone else is out.

Told her the gist of the OP.

Asked her opinion.

She said:

Either dd is in a hurry to go out and play with friends, who may or may not be packed / hot lunch. (At her school, hot lunches have a different schedule).

Or, she is too busy chatting and doesn't finish.

Does agree that cake/biscuit is not allowed if you haven't finished your lunch at school. Either finish at home, or wait till dinner.

Does not agree that shouting, rowing, or sending to room is appropriate, and that she would be very very hurt by this.

Agreed that mushy banana not appetising, therefore would give much smaller lunch in future, and maybe use banana in a cake or something.

I asked her how she would feel being the only girl with 3 brothers. DD has 2 brothers so she can identify with this. She said she would feel very left out and sad. (And dd loves her brothers, but considers them to be an alien species).

I then said - what if you often fell out with your mum? She said, "I would be utterly miserable". And in the next breath : "How does she get on with her dad?"

So - that is the response of my dd. Don't know if it helps, but it is from her own words.

this is a long thread, isn't it

I wouldn't fight like this over food. School children eat their lunch in a ridiculously short period of time, mainly becausae they are rushing off to play. They are not like adults who like to sit and chat and take their time.

One slice of bread - fine.
I offer things that don;t get warm and soft - carrot sticks go down well instead of fruit. More manageable to eat two or three.

If I'd made a cake for everyone coming home from school, I wouldn't deny one child a piece just because of what they hadn't had for lunch.

If I hadn't made a cake and a dc said they were hungry and I knew they'd eaten some rubbish that day, I'd say 'take a piece of fruit from the bowl'