Argument over food with my 9 yo dd - please help me calm down.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

DD was a fussy eater as a little child and is still quite fussy now. Aside from the pickiness, lately, she has not been eating her packed lunch, or correction, not eating all of it. Since Christmas, I have made all my own bread and the slices are quite large. Dd kept coming home with her 2 slices of bread hardly touched so I started giving her the smaller ends of the bread. Then she complained that the crusts were too chewy (although she liked that before) so now she only has one large slice of bread.

Even so, lunch comes home uneaten. Sometimes it is the bread, (too much, or yucky filling although she only ever has the filling she chooses) sometimes it is the fruit. Today, for the second time this week, she did not eat all her lunch. Before you say I am giving her too much, she took one slice of bread with Bovril on, one yoghurt and one banana. The banana came back uneaten.

I admit I saw red and told her to sit down and eat the banana (she was asking for a snack so I know she was hungry). She refused. Cue huge row. Me ranting, her screaming and crying. I sent her to her room. I am absolutely seething because I feel she should be able to eat 3 small items at lunchtime, and we really shouldn't be having rows about food now she is 9. It is not as if I give her to things in her lunchbox she does not like.

She wears me down. I also have 3 sons. The oldest and youngest have never been such fussy eaters, and the middle one (who, in his day was the fussiest of all of them) is now thankfully willing to try foods he does not like. Why does dd have to be so difficult? What can I do to a) calm down and b) solve this problem.

PS I made chocolate brownies for them all this pm as I like making a treat they all enjoy for Friday afternoons/ teatime. But this row with dd has taken all the joy out of this treat as I now don't want her to have any of it.

Not sure how it's being 'a dictator' for a mother to say 'OK, this is the sort of bread we eat in our house', or 'If you're hungry you can have some fruit, or wait until dinner'.

What's the alternative, especially in a big family? You could have 6 different types of loaves on the go.

OMG, Bovril is dd's choice of spread! I really wish you would all understand this: she makes her own lunch. She takes what she wants (albeit with the proviso that she has fruit) and how much she wants. Fridays tend to be a little bit tricky because it is the day I shop so there is sometimes not the usual choice of foods available. Hence dd chooses bovril because the usual fillings have been eaten up by then. The banana was her choice too. She could have had apples or grapes, both of which she eats.

Please stop suggesting I am forcing stuff on her.

Thank you misshardbroom for trying to see my pov.

DG, I'm amazed at how many posters have missed the fact that your dd chooses the food!!!

Just reduce the quantity. A 9 year old can't predict how much she will be able to eat in 3 or 4 hours time.

I wouldn't stick this on a sandwich, whether ds wanted it or not. It's used to make gravy isn't it?

Could you not do a fruit salad? Little bits of fruit, put some in the fridge for the next day? This way if she doesn't fancy banana there's something else for her to have?

some of us were trying to see your dd's point of view. it's a parenting trick that often works.

OK, since you all think dd's choice of food was wrong, please tell me what I should offer her. I will then tell you whether there is a cat's hell in chance that she would eat it.

I will start with herbietea's suggestions (well, what she said she gave her ds):

dry crackers - yes, that is a possibility, though I think the crackers dd would eat would have more salt on them than bovril on bread.

bits of cheese - she has recently said she doesn't like cheese

pieces of ham or salami - yes she would eat

veg sticks and fruit - she would not eat

I know Metella, me too.

What is her dd's point of view though?

She chose the food, then didn't eat it then came home hoping to eat brownies instead of fruit. Isn't that about it?

One slice of bread and butter, and a small smoothie?

no. your reaction to her not eating the food, her choice or not, was not great.

you have said she had the bovril as basically there was nothing else. you have said she had the thick bread because basically there was nothing else. so not really her 'choice' is it?

Well - I wasn't suggesting that she should be allowed to eat the brownies instead. Merely that a screaming row and sending to room was a bit OTT. IMO.

DG, would she eat malt loaf? That was ds1's lunch for several years, I'm afraid....

Ham sandwich?
Jam?
crackers, ham and cheese?

Ds will only eat ham and cheese sandwiches, I make these every bloody day as I know he'll eat them. The normal fruit, mini roll, yogurt, drink.

Thank you metella. You are reading what I am writing and seeing my pov. I know dd's pov! She wants to eat cake. I can understand it, of course. But I think it is my role as a parent to try to ensure she has a better diet than the one she would choose for herself.

I don't go overboard with this. My children eat chocolate and biscuits and crisps and even fruit shoots if they want them, dammit. But I do try to get them to eat fruit and veg.

I am not a dictator - what a hurtful thing to say.

did dd have qimilar quantity of food on the days she did eat it all? I know children often get so engrossed in chatting that they forget to eat and then run out of time - don't know what your shool is like at lunchtimes - ours are very keen to get the children out ready for the next session

(PS my DS loves marmite - thats similar to bovril isn't it? Wouldn't know myself as i dod't like 'em - doesnt stop others liking them tho!)

oops - school not shool

My Dd is also 9 and is in no way a fussy eater, and at any other meal will eat like a horse.

Her lunchbox inevitably comes home every day with something uneaten in it, at the moment it's her fruit.

At the moment they are having 2 chopped up strawberries and a handful of grapes each in a plastic container. My DD would eat the punnets clean, if they were having them for pudding , after dinner at night, but hasn't eaten any this week(they've been put in the bin).

Both Dd and Ds have exactly the same amount in their lunchboxes, Ds is 5 and never leaves anything, and is a slightly fussy eate

With regards to my DD and her not eating it all, I leave it for a few days, if it carries on then I just calmly mention that if she doesn't start eating all of her packed lunch I will ask the Dinnerlady at school to stand over her to make sure she eats it.

It works for a couple of weeks, but then we're back to the start again.

Did she know you were making brownies for after school when she was eating her lunch?

I agree in principle with you DDG - I guess you just have to take out the shouting/tantrum bit of it.

As said before by someone - appeal to her vanity. I usually get ds to eat chicken/salmon by telling him he needs it for mending his scratches/bruises that he always has. So whatever her passion is - twist healthy food round to appeal to her.

Then take each day as a whole and make sure all the food group boxes are ticked by bedtime. ds might have had an exeptionally healthy breakfast and mid morning snack and lunch and then I can take the foot off the accelerator for the rest of the day. iykwim.

Again, in the OP's defense, I think she acknowledges that a screaming row and someone being sent to their room isn't the best route to harmonious family life. Why do any of us post on here if not to talk through an issue that is problematic?

I do think some children have some big issues with food, often for no discernible reason. But you can't underestimate the effect on you, as a mother, of year after year after year of meals being rejected. The constant uncertainty about what your child will eat, the constant knowledge that their diet is seriously deficient in some areas, the fact that eating out is a nightmare, the wasted money, the fact that when you're knackered and have come in from work and put a meal on the table, you are then faced with someone night after night telling you it's yucky or pushing it aimlessly around their plate.

Sorry to rant about it, but it's bloody wearing... and I think the OP deserves a bit of sympathy too.

Oh fgs, yes there was something other than bovril. Do you want a run down of the choices open to her today? She could have had cheese, tuna, marmite, vegemite, sardines. Unfortunately, she could not have ham (her favourite choice) or egg or soft cheese as there were none left today. Bovril is the spread she likes best on days like this.

And yes, it can be made into gravy and it is also a drink, but I grew up knowing of it first and foremost as a spread and I see nothing wrong with eating it (occasionally) as a spread. Anyway, the bovril sandwich went, didn't it?

Maybe she didn't have space for the banana.
Did she go to school knowing she would get a brownie when she came home?

I think most people are trying to offer constructive suggestions TBH.

Sympathy on its own isn't always useful.