Argument over food with my 9 yo dd - please help me calm down.

[Dumbledoresgirl]

DD was a fussy eater as a little child and is still quite fussy now. Aside from the pickiness, lately, she has not been eating her packed lunch, or correction, not eating all of it. Since Christmas, I have made all my own bread and the slices are quite large. Dd kept coming home with her 2 slices of bread hardly touched so I started giving her the smaller ends of the bread. Then she complained that the crusts were too chewy (although she liked that before) so now she only has one large slice of bread.

Even so, lunch comes home uneaten. Sometimes it is the bread, (too much, or yucky filling although she only ever has the filling she chooses) sometimes it is the fruit. Today, for the second time this week, she did not eat all her lunch. Before you say I am giving her too much, she took one slice of bread with Bovril on, one yoghurt and one banana. The banana came back uneaten.

I admit I saw red and told her to sit down and eat the banana (she was asking for a snack so I know she was hungry). She refused. Cue huge row. Me ranting, her screaming and crying. I sent her to her room. I am absolutely seething because I feel she should be able to eat 3 small items at lunchtime, and we really shouldn't be having rows about food now she is 9. It is not as if I give her to things in her lunchbox she does not like.

She wears me down. I also have 3 sons. The oldest and youngest have never been such fussy eaters, and the middle one (who, in his day was the fussiest of all of them) is now thankfully willing to try foods he does not like. Why does dd have to be so difficult? What can I do to a) calm down and b) solve this problem.

PS I made chocolate brownies for them all this pm as I like making a treat they all enjoy for Friday afternoons/ teatime. But this row with dd has taken all the joy out of this treat as I now don't want her to have any of it.

I never know what ds leaves - the teachers bin any leftovers!

sorry DDg was trying to say there is nothing wrong with bovril!

Actually - reading this thread, I can see exactly how things escalated into a screaming row.

I am sorry for the OP, but it is obviously not worth posting any more.

That was me cupatea. From past experience, marmite/bovril and yogurt don't mix. I came close to puking a few times.

aah -wouldn't know - cant stand the stuff - makes me heave just making marmite sarnies for DS!

I love marmite. Yum, marmite and yogurt (bluegh!!!!)

Moonmother would you really ask the Dinnerlady to stand over your dd to make her eat it? I hope that was a joke?

some mums at our school ask the dinnerladies who are also friends outside school to check on whether DC are eating their lunch!

Checking yes,but a Dinnerlady making a child eat their lunch? Not right surely? Poor child

Sorry, I am aware I am being very defensive and aggressive in my replies. I don't expect anyone to pat me on the back for screaming at my dd and sending her to her room within 10 minutes of her coming home.

cuppateaplease, yes I think dd does chat more than eat at school lunchtime. I honestly don't think she has to much to eat in her box as at home (ie in the holidays) she will eat a lot more. I am sure it is more that she wants to get out to play rather than eat. Ds2 often comes home with various bits of lunch uneaten and he eats those bits when he gets home, saying he did not have time to eat them at school. That is fine. I am happy about that and would be happy if dd did the same.

Fluffybunny, she did not know about the brownies when she was at school.

Herbietea, I hate to sound negative to everything but you know what? I have tried the things you suggest (cheese scone and savoury muffins) and she has rejected those too. She is quite limited in what she will eat.

Misshardbroom, yes you have it! The constant moaning and fussing is what gets me down. And also the restrictions in my diet as I long ago learnt not to force the issue (well, I did learn that lesson but I have clearly forgotten it now!) and stopped buying things I knew my children would not eat. I am gradually expanding the number of things they will eat (eg the other day I made something with cherry tomatoes on it. They were gorgeous, ds1 and ds3 went into rhapsodies about them, ds2 got on and ate them, only dd sat there and made a scene about them). I find it very wearing, forever eating the same things, or, if I try them on something new, listening to dd fussing about them.

Your reaction was not great but I can understand it. My dd is very fussy and will like one thing one day and not the next. We have been having a running battle over her not eating her dinner and then asking for biscuits etc. later on.

I now take a step back and say take it or leave it but there is nothing else.

Don't be too hard on yourself, we all lose our rag sometimes and I am a very liberal parent.

I am glad that at my children's school, everything uneaten comes home. I think the dinner ladies have the right attitude there. They tell the children it is important that their parents see what they have and have not eaten.

I just want to say one thing, and then I will go.

Arguments and issues over eating are quite often not about food.

What are they over then 3littlefrogs (not disagreeing with you, honestly want to know what you think).

I have to say that dd and I have never had the best relationship so you may be on to something here.

It doesn't really matter does it - she had home made bread and a yoghurt for lunch. That's not too bad.

I wouldn't shout about the banana. I would give her (another piece of) fruit for a snack after school. I wouldn't shout about it. I wouldn't make her eat the squishy banana.

Take a step back, I'm sure you will later on. It's no biggie really.

Thanks Grammaticus. She would not eat fruit offered as a snack - I know that - but then you could rightly argue that she did not need the snack in the first place.

DS complained about a manky banana and you showed him a better way to eat it, with cream!

DD complained about a manky banana and she got sent to her room!

That doesn't read very well.

I don't see why your DD's fussiness has to make your diet boring?

We reserve spicy food for when it's just the adults and the DCs are in bed, but most meals will have something in that one person doesn't like and they don't have to eat it.

Eg sometimes I make a pasta salad with the bits everyone will eat and put the other bits in small bowls so that we can make up their own combos.

Yesterday we had ham, potato salad, tomato salad. DD had ham because she doesn't like the other things. But she followed it with a banana and bread is always available so it was a balanced meal.

Well - could it be issues around what happens at lunch time in school - as I asked in my first post. Teasing, bullying, rude remarks about contents of lunch box? Girls of this age can be spiteful if there is any question of a classmate being perhaps a little plump? I am not suggesting she is BTW.

Is it attention seeking behaviour or is it about control?

Similar personalities do clash. Is it always a case of who wins - you or her?

It might be worth trying to take a step back and think about other reasons.

Do you only fall out about the packed lunch?

I have come through the teenage years with 2 of mine, and I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to get some coping strategies at this stage of the game.

No tamarto, I did the same for her as I had done for ds2 - mashed it in a bowl and offered her cream - but she wouldn't eat it still. Sorry, I did not explain that very well.

Tamarto's post about the differing response to your ds and your dd is interesting.

Ok. X posts.

I really have to go and make tea now.

I hope you manage to overcome this.

I know what you're saying Otherside, and those are some constructive ideas.

I find that if I want to cook economically and eat together as a family, I need to cook one meal, and so inevitably we end up eating the old-faithfuls.

However, the OP's children iirc are quite old so there's probably no opportunity for them to eat when they're in bed.

3littlefrogs, I really don't think dd is being teased at school. She is very popular. I do know one of her friends has chocolate biscuit bars in her lunchbox (dd told me) but they are officially not allowed in the school, I cannot afford them, and anyway, I make nice things for my children to have, eg cake. I know to a child, whatever treat they have may not seem as nice as their friend has, but that could equally be the case for her friend as for dd.

She is not fat btw (I know you were not suggesting she is, but just to clarify).

I try not to fall out with her on a regular basis, but I do admit I find her the hardest of all my children. She was the most difficult as a toddler. I don't know if she is like me tbh. She is very self contained and strong willed. I am the latter but not the former. I do worry that there is something missing between us - a connectionif you like - which makes me less forgiving of her when moments like this arise. Urgh, I don't know, this is turning into therapy!

Yes, we have old faithfuls on school nights because my children are at that age when they are too tired after school to cope with new stuff.

But on weekends we vary it.

Also sometimes we eat spicy food when the children are with us but only if I have had time to make a non spicy alternative. Eg if we fancy rice and dahl, the children will have rice with a bland sauce. Or just rice. Or just sauce.

When we do fajitas they just eat the tortillas and grated cheese.